My dh and I have had a big row over the past few days about our thoughts of swinging. This is now potentially a deal breaker in our marriage and naturally, we are both very annoyed and upset.
A little history... We've been married 14 years and have a ds 16 (my son from previous relationship) and a dd 11. We have had about 7-8 years of serious stress involving money, property, jobs, legal but have worked together to try to get through it, and although all is not sorted, we are starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
About 8 years ago we went to Hedonism in Jamaica for a holiday. This was seen as a fun, adventurous place to be to have a special holiday with each other... And it was. There were people who were into swinging, but we enjoyed the charged atmosphere, the silly games, the sun and the food, but we were totally monogamous and had a great time.
This seems to have kick started my dh's interest in swinging, and looking back, while it was never forced on me, I felt under pressure to give it a go. So, over the last 5 or so years, we have been occasional swingers meeting up with others through internet sites. I must stress, this has happened only a couple of times a year, but was always as a result of dh's efforts.
I have never enjoyed this involvement, but felt pressure to go along with it because dh got such a thrill from it.
So the other day, my dh had arranged to meet a couple - then asked me..... At first I thought, here we go again, I'll go to keep the peace. After thinking it over, I told him I had changed my mind and didn't want to go. Well, I am now the worst in the world! I know he was disappointed and probably a bit angry, but I wanted to make a stand that 'it's not me!' and not something that I feel happy to do.
We have had a dwindling sex life over the last few years, probably due to our stress, tiredness, age (late 40's) but I think he felt these occasional hook-ups spiced things up enough. Now, he wants to know what I'll do in the bedroom to compromise for not swinging. I just want a good healthy, normal relationship and he's not happy.
Obviously, this isn't something I can discuss with my girlfriends or my mum! Any advice appreciated... I don't know where this will go.
Thank you
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Dh into swinging... I'm not, so what now?
Kitty909 · 05/01/2014 09:48
Oh gosh 
what sort of things does he suggest you do in the bedroom to make up for not swinging??
This is not healthy, but you've definitely done the right thing in telling him you don't want to do it any more. Not sure what the solution is though.
What you'll do to compromise? It's your job to fix this? 
Coercing someone into sex that they're not comfortable with is really unpleasant, disrespectful and classed as abusive behaviour. If you're not enough for him, if keeping marriage vows is unimportant to him, if 'he's not happy'.... that's actually his responsibility and not yours.
I'm glad you've stopped giving into him. But, assuming he's not interested in a healthy normal relationship, I think you have to start imagining a future without him. Sorry.
He wants to know what you'll do in the bedroom to make up for no swinging?!?
Sorry but that seems like a huge red flags for me, imagining someone actually saying that makes my skin crawl
He's allowed to feel disappointed, but it's not on if he's using that to manipulate you into doing something you don't want to do.
just read this now-
Now, he wants to know what I'll do in the bedroom to compromise for not swinging. I just want a good healthy, normal relationship and he's not happy.
you are not there purely to satisfy him! now he's acting like you owe him something- because you told him that you didn't feel comfortable with something, and he can't be bothered to deal with his feelings.
Now, he wants to know what I'll do in the bedroom to compromise for not swinging. I just want a good healthy, normal relationship and he's not happy.
^^ I missed this dear, dear I would have told him to f' off!!
This reply has been deleted
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Don’t want to miss threads like this?
Weekly
Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!
Log in to update your newsletter preferences.
You've subscribed!
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.