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Er.. Him "Going South"

(247 Posts)
Angstriddenmum Sun 05-Jan-14 01:21:51

Slightly embarrassing but I really feel like I need to find what other people think. My DH is really into - how can I put it - heading to the tropics. Our drives have always been a bit mismatched (guess which way smile) but he wants to do this to me all the time. I love him dearly but it's getting a bit tiresome (the asking, I mean). We seem to have reached a sort of compromise - perhaps every 2 or 3 days - but it never seems to be enough for him, which annoys me. There's lots that I want to get off my chest, TBH. When he does the deed, he keeps telling me how beautiful I am and how lovely I taste (I just think ewwww - keep it to yourself). He is also not asking for any, er, reciprocation (which I am usually quite happy to provide). He just says that he loves making me feel good. I say that I am not in the mood and always thinking about other things (a few family and work probs at the moment). He says that he loves making me stop thinking about things, even for a few seconds. I say that it's just a few seconds of pleasure but then it's back to normal. He says that you could say that about chocolate!

Reading this back I can see that I have really needed to formulate these ideas into a post and this has helped. I still have more to say so I'll follow up.

ARM

Angstriddenmum Sun 05-Jan-14 02:34:57

beagle. I totally agree. I find it the hardest thing to balance. I do want to please him but I do want to be my own person. But I certainly find it frustrating when he doesn't do things (eg tidy up) the way I want him to and when there's no good reason not too. Perhaps he feels the same way...?

beaglesaresweet Sun 05-Jan-14 02:40:22

haha, so you are enjoying the book and can concentrate on it grin! well that helps the compromise at least!
Are you sure that it's not an infection? Women do often get minot infection from frequent oral sex, unless partner is extremely careful - also some aer allergic to mouthwashes (I know, sorry, but since we aer on the subject - it's all harsh chemicals). Hope nothing serious from te biopsy of course!
I really think you need to be a little more assertive. Just ask him to tone down the constant stroking, mention that he needs to respect your comfirt zone - best not to go on about it but say it to the point and in a calm but serious way (not in a placating way). I think he's quite selfish just doing what he feels like!

beaglesaresweet Sun 05-Jan-14 02:42:55

I wouldn't compare housework and so on, to sexual demands. It really is your body, and he needs to be coniderate, it's not the same as not agreeing to do household chores! He's risking reducing your desire even further, surel he wouldn't want to do this, just explain calmly and gently while saying that of course you do care about his needs as much as you can.

Angstriddenmum Sun 05-Jan-14 02:45:56

beagle, Now I'm going to sound all defensive. He's really not bad and he certainly doesn't do exactly "what he feels like". I think I would feel like I was beating a puppy for being cute if I told him off for cuddling me. I am sure that there are many examples on mumsnet of worse husband behaviour and I can cope with it. Pleased to whinge about it a bit though smile so thanks.

I can usually concentrate on the book for about 2 pages but then it gets quite difficult! And yes, there are worse things than this too.

BitOfFunWithSanta Sun 05-Jan-14 02:50:38

Perhaps you should join the 50 books in 2014 challenge. You will win the whole internet if you manage it.

leeloo1 Sun 05-Jan-14 03:06:23

I can see why it'd be annoying - he sounds too keen to please, which can be irritating.

Can you pick the thing that annoys you most and try to work on that (for me it'd be the commenting during!) - when he's not mid-deed try to address it with him. So next time he's asking to do it then try telling him 'ok, but could you try not talking to me while you're doing it, as sometimes it spoils the moment for me.' If he then starts talking you can remind him that he'd agreed not to (and he will agree cos he wants to do it).

Then take it from there. Once its common practice for him not to talk then pick the next thing that annoys you... so 'yes we can but I only have 10 mins as need to do xyz so can we make it a quickie'.

Might work?

BelleOfTheBorstal Sun 05-Jan-14 03:45:43

It all sounds a bit feathery stroker if you ask me.
And sexual acts should only happen between enthusiastically consenting adults, pressure to do things or discomfort at anything, needs to be discussed in an open and frank manner.

differentnameforthis Sun 05-Jan-14 04:41:55

you will get some replies you weren't looking for SOME??

Wow, I cannot believe how most of you have treated this op. This is exactly why MN gets the bad rap it does.

LiberalLibertine Sun 05-Jan-14 04:57:42

OP I worry when you say you 'wouldn't have the amount of sex you do if it was up to you' ?

It is up to you? Sounds very much like your 'giving in' to his demands when you're not in the mood, this is very unhealthy.

I agree with pp that said it's all about him and what he wants (getting you to read a book so it lasts for him) I have a feeling he knows you're not into it, and doesn't care.

BitOfFunWithSanta Sun 05-Jan-14 05:17:54

Differentname- a relatively new poster puts a thread up at gone one in the morning Saturday night, coyly bemoaning the amount of oral sex she gets, inviting others' experiences, and you berate people who reply for not lining up with the usual credulous thickos? Jeez.

HOMEQCRICH Sun 05-Jan-14 06:41:39

What book is it? War and peace? Or the alex ferguson autobiography?

SELondonSwede Sun 05-Jan-14 07:09:05

What has happened to this forum? I find it sad that an OP is subjected to ridicule and pisstake. Why?
All the poor woman intended to do was to post a relationship query on an open relationship forum.
Why this harsh treatment? MN seems to have taken that direction lately, sadly.
What happened to sisterhood?

spindlyspindler Sun 05-Jan-14 07:50:02

^3 Some reassurance that this type of issue (ie not explicit; differences in desire and expectation need not be specific) is not unusual.^

No, of course it's not unusual for one party to like doing a particular thing more than the other.

^4 Some advice on how to deal with it, especially given that I am not particularly comfortable talking to DH explicitly about it.^

He must have the skin of a rhino if he's comfortable with giving his partner a book to distract them whilst he's going down on them hmm.

You don't have to be explicit about it, although at the end of the day if it's something you actually do together it's perfectly all right to discuss it frankly. If the issue is that he doesn't take "no" for an answer and just wears you down until you give in, you need to tell him firmly that when you say no to something as basic as "can I go down on you", you expect him to respect that. Do not let him get away with thinking that it's all justified because of your subsequent physical response to what he's doing. "You'll like it once we get started" is not an acceptable attitude for either party to have towards sex.

If he won't take no for an answer, however lovely he is about other stuff, that would be a serious issue for me.

(NB: there's this perception that a bloke who goes down on a lady is simultaneous doing her the ULTIMATE SEXUAL FAVOUR by doing so, and giving her a gift of the greatest sexual pleasure that it is possible to receive. I think that's partly where your DH is coming from. This is not true, sadly. Plenty of women just don't like receiving oral sex, because it's a matter of taste (<-- see what I did there?). And even those that do shouldn't feel obliged to leap on the oral sex train every time it comes through town.)

TaraLott Sun 05-Jan-14 07:55:30

Sisters are doing it for themselves SE.

Lweji Sun 05-Jan-14 08:18:05

You do need to express your wishes and stick to them.

Maybe you prefer penetration in more or less the "missionary position"? Because it feels like two people and more intimate?
Oral sex can feel quite detached and mechanic, and lonely for the person receiving it. It is ok to tell him to stop when you want to without any insistence from him. Call him on it if he does, because it's ok to want sex to be mutually enjoyable in many ways, just not having an orgasm.

Regarding the cuddling afterwards, do you find it too intense? Or at odds with your experience of sex?

If you are ultimately not comfortable talking to him, I think counselling may help. Particularly in guiding the conversation and addressing the issues that you don't talk about otherwise.

mammadiggingdeep Sun 05-Jan-14 08:20:08

A book??? You read a book whilst he gives you oral?!

grin

HOMEQCRICH Sun 05-Jan-14 08:21:22

Wonder if OP comes back today?

DrNick Sun 05-Jan-14 08:24:26

Wow.

LineRunner Sun 05-Jan-14 08:44:47

What kind of book?

This could be the deal breaker for me.

TobyLerone Sun 05-Jan-14 09:04:03

I only clicked on this because it had 69 messages.

meditrina Sun 05-Jan-14 09:04:42

There's a difference between pointing out things that concern you, and pisstaking posts.

This isn't either chat or AIBU.

KepekCrumbs Sun 05-Jan-14 09:21:35

The problem is that he is objectifying you. The book reading shows how you feel, to him, is actually not as important as having as long as possible to indulge his fetish. He is fixating on the idea of himself as a submissive pleasure giver. That's what turns HIM on and you are rather irrelevant.

You are reduced to being a vagina only.

Lizzabadger Sun 05-Jan-14 09:23:40

You seem way too afraid of hurting his feelings.

Any decent person would be mortified to think he's subjecting him to something you don't want.

You have to be frank and assertive with him. He will get over it and if he's decent, would prefer to know.

Is he this controlling in other areas of your life?

Lizzabadger Sun 05-Jan-14 09:24:40

Yes Kepak has it.

Superworm Sun 05-Jan-14 09:30:12

Totally agree with kepak and I'm shock hmm at some if the ridicule on this thread.

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