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Please help. Dd been assaulted.

(212 Posts)
MandatoryMongoose Sat 04-Jan-14 18:05:51

My DD is 14, one of her friends called me today to say she was worried about DD, that she'd self harmed and I needed to speak to her.

So the story turns out to be - she went to a 17yr old boys flat when she was on her way to a friends house 2 days ago. It seems this boy has been asking her repeatedly to go around there (trying to get her to tell me she was staying at a friends and go there for the night - which she wouldn't).

While she was there he was physically violent towards her, took photographs of her (crying and partially clothed) then threatened to post them online unless she performed a sex act on him. DD was scared, crying and saying she didn't want to.

He deleted the pictures afterwards (she thinks all of them).

He also text her after he let her leave saying 'don't tell anyone' and that he was 'just joking' (I assume about the threat to post pictures).

DD is obviously very upset (she had scratched her arm with something - no real physical injury, 2nd time she's ever tried self harming, 1st time was a couple of years ago).

She thinks she's partially responsible (shouldn't have gone there, should have stopped him). I've tried to reassure her she's in absolutely no way responsible no matter what she did and that there's nothing she could have done.

What do I do now? I feel sick and tearful. I want to support DD the best I can - I've asked her to consider reporting it, she's not sure she wants to. I really want her to but I don't want to pressure her.

I don't even know what help I want here. I guess just some advice on how to support her, what might happen if she reports it, do I encourage her to or not?

DustBunnyFarmer Sat 04-Jan-14 18:19:11

Also, if action is not taken now you leave her open to further abuse - she's an easy target who won't complain.

tinselkitty Sat 04-Jan-14 18:21:26

I was abused and assaulted at this age.

I didn't tell anyone.

I wish I had, I also wish someone grown up had taken the decision away from me and reported it.

I'm now not only suffering the effects of the abuse but haunted with guilt that I didn't report him and he could still be doing it.

You know your DD best but I'm just saying, when I was that age I wish someone had taken the decision for me.

Leverette Sat 04-Jan-14 18:21:28

Report to the police. No question whatsoever, you have a legal obligation as your child has been physically and sexually assaulted and blackmailed. In addition, the police are amazing at supporting a young person through the questioning process and accessing emotional support for as long as she needs it as the victim of a crime.

Stripyhoglets Sat 04-Jan-14 18:21:55

If he did get her to perform the sex act by threats then that is rape, I really think your dd and you need to take this to the police, he is a sex offender and as others have said the police may be able to retrieve the evidence. Your poor Dd and you, so sorry she has to cope with this.

kd73 Sat 04-Jan-14 18:22:06

Please contact the police immediately, I was attacked as a child by another older child. A decision not to involve the police was made on my behalf due to my age. This older child proceeded to make life a misery for years boasting of what he had done. This was before the era of the internet and it took me 10 years to stop feeling afraid of this boy and it was only when I confronted him that I took away his power. Please act on your child's behalf and before it becomes an internet story locally. So sorry this happened to your daughter

Trofast Sat 04-Jan-14 18:22:18

It is really important to report.

She needs this to happen to protect her from the photos which probably aren't deleted and to confirm the illegality of his behaviour.It is also possible that the process will show he has done this before or that she is yet to tell you everything that happened.

Reporting also protects her from subsequent abuse from this teenager- you might be surprised how often the aggressor persists in giving attention until it is reciprocated by immature and vulnerable victims. Reporting interrupts this cycle from starting.

It is great that she is talking to you, hope you have people to talk to yoo

sunshinemeg Sat 04-Jan-14 18:23:04

I really am not going to say anything against you, I think you have had a horrible experience in learning of this, and others saying anything against you isn't fair.
When I was 8 my parents used to care for a 14 year old boy when his single parent dad went away on business. He assaulted me. I told my parents, they removed him from the situation but it was my word against his and we never took it further. I do not blame my parents for that decision, but I do now wish I had gone to the police about it. Be supportive of your DD, keep on reassuring her she has done nothing wrong, she did nothing wrong going to his house - she will be feeling huge guilt over that. Tell her how much you love her and how nothing has changed. I would then talk to the police, you don't have to tell her you are going to do so, but you could explain to them her fear of coming forward. They can then offer advice on what to do.
I really feel for you OP. And for your DD.

I would encourage her to report it, but if she wont don't force her, i dont think you can report it for her if she wont surely she will just deny it? Does this boy go to her school? if so you really need to speak to the school as well, I can see why she doesn't want to report it. I Know at 17 he is technically an adult, but could you go and talk to his parents?

Offred Sat 04-Jan-14 18:24:20

She's 14, I don't think it's appropriate to let her make the choice about reporting it or not.

I'd see it as my ultimate decision as the adult responsible for her wellbeing and unless she was strongly opposed to reporting it I would report.

It's too much responsibility to give a young girl after an imprisonment/assault like this, deciding whether it should be reported or not.

I think it needs a strong message that we report crimes and we don't tolerate sexual abuse. If you don't report it it may feed into her worry that she is to blame.

WynkenBlynkenandNod Sat 04-Jan-14 18:24:52

What everyone else has said. When you've done that at some point I think I would speak to the Mother of the girl who rang you and let her know what her DD did. It must have been hard for her to ring you , she did really and she might need a little support as well.

TeeBee Sat 04-Jan-14 18:25:10

Op, I am so so sorry this has happened. Your poor DD (and you). Could you sit down with her why it is so very, very important that she (or you) report it to the police. I totally understand why you don't want to do it without her buy-in when she has already been violated. It is best for her, and for him, that this gets sorted out before this goes further. She needs to know why someone cannot get away with sexually assaulting her and think that's okay. I hope you talk her round.

JaquelineHyde Sat 04-Jan-14 18:27:01

Mandatory I am so sorry that your daughter has had to go through this, I'm sure your support and love will help her work through it in her own time.

I'm sure that you are desperate for her to report what has happened to the police and I agree with you, this will need to be reported.

However, your daughter will be scared that she will be blamed for what happened and scared of the consequences in her social circle.

Maybe encourage her to invite her closest friends round so that she can have a chat with them about what has happened. This will allow her to see what has happened more clearly and have the re-assurance that her friends are behind her 100%.

The quicker this is reported the better obviously but your daughter may take a little while to come round, is there a contact at the local police who could support you through this. They do need to be aware of what has happened even if your daughter does not feel up to an official report just yet.

KareKare Sat 04-Jan-14 18:28:31

Well of course you have to report it.

She is a child and not old enough to make the decision.

TwoLeftSocks Sat 04-Jan-14 18:29:06

That's a good idea of Jaquenline's - can you ask her friend who called you to come round and be with her too when you/ she calls the police? She might find comfort with a friend supporting her too.

ArtexMonkey Sat 04-Jan-14 18:29:09

I am so sorry.

I'm another one saying report.

That youth belongs on the sex offenders' register at the very least.

MandatoryMongoose Sat 04-Jan-14 18:29:18

I absolutely agree it should be reported and I would do so in a heartbeat if DD agreed. If she doesn't agree then it's more difficult.

I don't think forcing her to speak to the police right this second is a good idea, she's already distressed.

She's in her bedroom right now, talking to her best friend on the phone, she's safe and knows I'm here for her.

She's a child but she is old enough to at least be given time to think things over before anyone makes a decision.

If she says she doesn't want to speak to the police what do I do? Even if I call them she can refuse to give a statement. I hope she'll agree to it once she's had chance to think but I'm worried about pressuring her - I don't think that's what she needs.

I have the number for rape crisis and will call when the helpline is open. I've told DD that I think it's important she speak to someone professional - be that via rape crisis or via the GP but again I cant force her to talk sad .

Abbykins1 Sat 04-Jan-14 18:31:03

Report it to the police.This animal will do it again if he isn't stopped!

TheGonnagle Sat 04-Jan-14 18:33:53

Your poor dd. Sending you all massive hugs and your daughter the strength to report this.
Could you show her this thread, and all the people offering support and advice? At the moment she must feel so scared and alone and might benefit from seeing the army of women who are on her side.
At the very least, even if she doesn't want to get involved I think the police need to know about this from you. It may be another piece of a bigger picture- he either has form or will have in the future and you can help stop this.

defineme Sat 04-Jan-14 18:33:56

I'm so sorry for you and your dd. Could you call 101 and discuss with the police how they might take a statement off your dd-it might help her to know the process? I have no idea if they can do anything before speaking to your dd or if you reporting it as an attack on your child means some action could be taken?
The man needs stopping, but I understand you want to protect your dd and maintain her trust.

Divinity Sat 04-Jan-14 18:35:25

Mandatory you are her parent. She is your child. There is no choice involved. You need to be the strong, responsible one. Deep breath, do it now.

flowers

Pancakeflipper Sat 04-Jan-14 18:35:55

You have to speak to the police. Ask them for help. They have trained officers who can help you all.

Perfectlypurple Sat 04-Jan-14 18:44:37

I can see why the op isn't straight on the phone to the police. Her dd has been violated. The last thing she needs is to feel her mum not listening to what she wants. Reporting it before her dd is ready could do more harm than good.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Sat 04-Jan-14 18:45:53

You have to tell the police, you have to protect her as a parent.

I'm sure she won't walk to talk to them but you have to keep reassuring her that this isn't her fault and he may well do it to someone else. If she talks to the police then they can stop him doing it again.

What a horrible thing to have happened. Your poor DD. thanks

MrsSquirrel Sat 04-Jan-14 18:46:01

Please ring the police on 101 and report it. They will want to take a statement from her at some point, but it won't be 'right this second'. You can tell them you don't want her to give a statement until you think she is ready.

Also, the sooner the police know about the crime, the sooner they can question the young man and get his phone off him.

And I agree, phoning rape crisis is a good idea.

Offred Sat 04-Jan-14 18:49:41

I think that's true with adult victims. However, the dynamics of the situation are different with children.

Parents have a duty of care legally for their children. Children are entitled to expect that duty of care to be exercised as much as teenagers should be allowed a great degree of autonomy and yes, it's a balancing act.

I'm aware I don't know the dd in question and can only go off me at 14 but I wouldn't have been capable of making this decision at 14.

At 11 my parents, together with the school decided not to take my disclosure of peer group sexual abuse any further and from then on it was swept under the carpet. It didn't stop it and it made me feel to blame/disbelieved.

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