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Please help. Dd been assaulted.

(212 Posts)
MandatoryMongoose Sat 04-Jan-14 18:05:51

My DD is 14, one of her friends called me today to say she was worried about DD, that she'd self harmed and I needed to speak to her.

So the story turns out to be - she went to a 17yr old boys flat when she was on her way to a friends house 2 days ago. It seems this boy has been asking her repeatedly to go around there (trying to get her to tell me she was staying at a friends and go there for the night - which she wouldn't).

While she was there he was physically violent towards her, took photographs of her (crying and partially clothed) then threatened to post them online unless she performed a sex act on him. DD was scared, crying and saying she didn't want to.

He deleted the pictures afterwards (she thinks all of them).

He also text her after he let her leave saying 'don't tell anyone' and that he was 'just joking' (I assume about the threat to post pictures).

DD is obviously very upset (she had scratched her arm with something - no real physical injury, 2nd time she's ever tried self harming, 1st time was a couple of years ago).

She thinks she's partially responsible (shouldn't have gone there, should have stopped him). I've tried to reassure her she's in absolutely no way responsible no matter what she did and that there's nothing she could have done.

What do I do now? I feel sick and tearful. I want to support DD the best I can - I've asked her to consider reporting it, she's not sure she wants to. I really want her to but I don't want to pressure her.

I don't even know what help I want here. I guess just some advice on how to support her, what might happen if she reports it, do I encourage her to or not?

fifi669 Sat 04-Jan-14 18:08:37

The police will be able to recover the pictures from his phone. That would be my first port of call. If he's done this it may not be his first time, if it is, then it may not be his last.

Tullahulla Sat 04-Jan-14 18:08:50

Seriously, you're posting here. Where is your daughter now?

Phone the police!

TeenyW123 Sat 04-Jan-14 18:09:45

Jesus! She's a baby! I'd do the reporting on her behalf. At 14 she can't be mature enough to work out how this will affect her in the short, medium or long term.

And the 17 yr old needs to face the consequences. She may not be the first to be assaulted by him, and if his shitty behaviour is not nipped in the bud she's unlikely to be the last.

Pollydon Sat 04-Jan-14 18:10:20

Police now

RollerCola Sat 04-Jan-14 18:10:42

So sorry to hear this has happened to your dd. I hope she's feeling a bit better.

I do think you need to consider reporting it. Are you sure he's deleted all the photos? He needs to be spoken to by the police now, before he does something much worse to another girl.

Can you persuade her that she'd be helping to stop it happening again to someone else?

TheCrumpetQueen Sat 04-Jan-14 18:10:42

Call the police!

nostress Sat 04-Jan-14 18:11:07

Report it now!

TwoLeftSocks Sat 04-Jan-14 18:12:33

Give her the biggest possible hug then call the police for her.

If you let this go, if you give her the message (by not reporting) that she's in some way responsible and if you let him get away with it, she won't be thanking you in years to come.

CharlieAlphaKiloEcho Sat 04-Jan-14 18:12:38

At 14 do you need her permission to report it?

It might be easier on her if she feels the responsibility is out of her hands.

She is 14 years old. You are the parent. You need to report the assault on your child. I would also be taking her to the GP or practice nurse for them to have a chat with her with you out of the room because there may well be things she could do with talking about that she doesn't want to tell you about.

This has to be a Police incident ,SAP.

Back2Two Sat 04-Jan-14 18:13:19

Call the police. You'll be doing him a favour as well in the long run.
He needs to know this is serious, abusive and dangerous behaviour.
Your daughter needs to know that it's not in any way normal, acceptable or her fault.

Offred Sat 04-Jan-14 18:13:36

She's too young to be given entire responsibility for this decision. Time is of the essence. If he still has the photos a visit from the police can prevent them ever ending up on the Internet and I think you need to teach her to be brave and report things like this rather than hide them through misplaced shame.

NakedTigarCub Sat 04-Jan-14 18:14:10

Report it to police now.

Monetbyhimself Sat 04-Jan-14 18:14:33

She is a child. You need to phone the police now.

MyNameIsWinkly Sat 04-Jan-14 18:14:50

Yes, it should be reported but the OP's daughter is 14 years old, its a big scary thing making reports to the police, giving statements etc, this boy is part of her social circle and she will be worried about how it will affect her friendships so lets back down a little bit, ok? The OP and her daughter will report it if they decide its the right thing for them to do. Poor girl's been through so much already.

YoniMatopoeia Sat 04-Jan-14 18:14:54

Police. Report him.

Meerka Sat 04-Jan-14 18:15:19

Report.

I am so sorry, mandatory

Lweji Sat 04-Jan-14 18:16:40

Maybe call Rape crisis before you go to the police? She may find it less intimidated and they may be able to convince her to go to the police.

invicta Sat 04-Jan-14 18:16:58

For support, contact Childline or another self help group that can provide help, support and advice.

I would also report the lad. If he has been physically violent to your dd, plus asking for sex acts, then he can do it to someone else. By keeping it quiet, then these acts get unpunished and are able to continue.

Well done to your daughter in able to confide in you.

There's no 'if' in this situation. A child has been assaulted by an adult. There is no 'if it's right to report it'. It is essential that it is reported both to protect this child and to ensure the adult's behaviour does not escalate.

AnythingNotEverything Sat 04-Jan-14 18:17:20

He tried to get her to perform a sex act on him against her will? Isn't that attempted rape?

This has to be reported to the police.

Timetoask Sat 04-Jan-14 18:17:22

Convince her that the best thing to do is to report him, that you will support her all the way. She needs to know now that nobody can take advantage of her without her being able to do something about it.

Perfectlypurple Sat 04-Jan-14 18:19:01

I would encourage her to report it. You can tell her the police will let her go at her own speed and she won't be forced into doing anything until she is ready. If she has the clothes she wore bag them up as there may be forensic evidence.

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