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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Please help. Dd been assaulted.

211 replies

MandatoryMongoose · 04/01/2014 18:05

My DD is 14, one of her friends called me today to say she was worried about DD, that she'd self harmed and I needed to speak to her.

So the story turns out to be - she went to a 17yr old boys flat when she was on her way to a friends house 2 days ago. It seems this boy has been asking her repeatedly to go around there (trying to get her to tell me she was staying at a friends and go there for the night - which she wouldn't).

While she was there he was physically violent towards her, took photographs of her (crying and partially clothed) then threatened to post them online unless she performed a sex act on him. DD was scared, crying and saying she didn't want to.

He deleted the pictures afterwards (she thinks all of them).

He also text her after he let her leave saying 'don't tell anyone' and that he was 'just joking' (I assume about the threat to post pictures).

DD is obviously very upset (she had scratched her arm with something - no real physical injury, 2nd time she's ever tried self harming, 1st time was a couple of years ago).

She thinks she's partially responsible (shouldn't have gone there, should have stopped him). I've tried to reassure her she's in absolutely no way responsible no matter what she did and that there's nothing she could have done.

What do I do now? I feel sick and tearful. I want to support DD the best I can - I've asked her to consider reporting it, she's not sure she wants to. I really want her to but I don't want to pressure her.

I don't even know what help I want here. I guess just some advice on how to support her, what might happen if she reports it, do I encourage her to or not?

OP posts:

Report

fifi669 · 04/01/2014 18:08

The police will be able to recover the pictures from his phone. That would be my first port of call. If he's done this it may not be his first time, if it is, then it may not be his last.

Tullahulla · 04/01/2014 18:08

Seriously, you're posting here. Where is your daughter now?

Phone the police!

TeenyW123 · 04/01/2014 18:09

Jesus! She's a baby! I'd do the reporting on her behalf. At 14 she can't be mature enough to work out how this will affect her in the short, medium or long term.

And the 17 yr old needs to face the consequences. She may not be the first to be assaulted by him, and if his shitty behaviour is not nipped in the bud she's unlikely to be the last.

Pollydon · 04/01/2014 18:10

Police now

TheCrumpetQueen · 04/01/2014 18:10

Call the police!

RollerCola · 04/01/2014 18:10

So sorry to hear this has happened to your dd. I hope she's feeling a bit better.

I do think you need to consider reporting it. Are you sure he's deleted all the photos? He needs to be spoken to by the police now, before he does something much worse to another girl.

Can you persuade her that she'd be helping to stop it happening again to someone else?

nostress · 04/01/2014 18:11

Report it now!

TwoLeftSocks · 04/01/2014 18:12

Give her the biggest possible hug then call the police for her.

If you let this go, if you give her the message (by not reporting) that she's in some way responsible and if you let him get away with it, she won't be thanking you in years to come.

CharlieAlphaKiloEcho · 04/01/2014 18:12

At 14 do you need her permission to report it?

It might be easier on her if she feels the responsibility is out of her hands.

NorthernLurker · 04/01/2014 18:12

She is 14 years old. You are the parent. You need to report the assault on your child. I would also be taking her to the GP or practice nurse for them to have a chat with her with you out of the room because there may well be things she could do with talking about that she doesn't want to tell you about.

flatbellyfella · 04/01/2014 18:12

This has to be a Police incident ,SAP.

Back2Two · 04/01/2014 18:13

Call the police. You'll be doing him a favour as well in the long run.
He needs to know this is serious, abusive and dangerous behaviour.
Your daughter needs to know that it's not in any way normal, acceptable or her fault.

Offred · 04/01/2014 18:13

She's too young to be given entire responsibility for this decision. Time is of the essence. If he still has the photos a visit from the police can prevent them ever ending up on the Internet and I think you need to teach her to be brave and report things like this rather than hide them through misplaced shame.

NakedTigarCub · 04/01/2014 18:14

Report it to police now.

Monetbyhimself · 04/01/2014 18:14

She is a child. You need to phone the police now.

MyNameIsWinkly · 04/01/2014 18:14

Yes, it should be reported but the OP's daughter is 14 years old, its a big scary thing making reports to the police, giving statements etc, this boy is part of her social circle and she will be worried about how it will affect her friendships so lets back down a little bit, ok? The OP and her daughter will report it if they decide its the right thing for them to do. Poor girl's been through so much already.

YoniMatopoeia · 04/01/2014 18:14

Police. Report him.

Meerka · 04/01/2014 18:15

Report.

I am so sorry, mandatory

Lweji · 04/01/2014 18:16

Maybe call Rape crisis before you go to the police? She may find it less intimidated and they may be able to convince her to go to the police.

invicta · 04/01/2014 18:16

For support, contact Childline or another self help group that can provide help, support and advice.

I would also report the lad. If he has been physically violent to your dd, plus asking for sex acts, then he can do it to someone else. By keeping it quiet, then these acts get unpunished and are able to continue.

Well done to your daughter in able to confide in you.

NorthernLurker · 04/01/2014 18:17

There's no 'if' in this situation. A child has been assaulted by an adult. There is no 'if it's right to report it'. It is essential that it is reported both to protect this child and to ensure the adult's behaviour does not escalate.

AnythingNotEverything · 04/01/2014 18:17

He tried to get her to perform a sex act on him against her will? Isn't that attempted rape?

This has to be reported to the police.

Timetoask · 04/01/2014 18:17

Convince her that the best thing to do is to report him, that you will support her all the way. She needs to know now that nobody can take advantage of her without her being able to do something about it.

Perfectlypurple · 04/01/2014 18:19

I would encourage her to report it. You can tell her the police will let her go at her own speed and she won't be forced into doing anything until she is ready. If she has the clothes she wore bag them up as there may be forensic evidence.

DustBunnyFarmer · 04/01/2014 18:19

Also, if action is not taken now you leave her open to further abuse - she's an easy target who won't complain.

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