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Exh losing it, what do I do?

(48 Posts)
RollerCola Fri 03-Jan-14 20:49:43

Can anyone help me to cope with this? I separated from H in July after 23 yrs together, 16 married, 2 dcs. He'd never been interested in family life, I did most things for dcs as well as working ft. Once the dcs came along he became emotionally cold, never wanted to do anything with me, no affection, v little sex. Caught him 3 times having online relationships with other women.

We called it a day in July, he wanted a divorce. I wasn't ready to accept it was over but then found yet another online affair so filed for divorce. He moved out in Sept.

He's been quite emotionally unstable since then, seems very down, still moaning and complaining about everything. No different to before. I've been much happier, things much calmer at home, kids fine.

The divorce should be through in the next month or so. So I've started seeing a new guy. It's nothing too serious but it's nice to have the odd fun night out, he's very affectionate and nice. I enjoy seeing him when I can.

H has been quite unpredictable over Xmas about when he can have the children. He's changed his mind a few times and it's been quite hard to plan anything (both work and social) because I never know when he's having them over.

So I had a talk with him yesterday, firstly to check we were still ok to divorce, that we've made the right decision in separating etc. Yes, both all fine, agreed we were moving on. I decided to tell him I was seeing a guy, because I hate lying about where I am and if there's a problem with the dcs while they're with him I'd rather be where I say I am rather than creeping about. I confirmed that I wasn't going to tell the children, and that new guy wasn't going to come to my (was our) house for a long time yet. But I'm not someone who can lie so I wanted it out in the open. He seemed ok about it.

Today however, exh has obviously had time to digest this and has come round and had a major meltdown. Apparently he's had the worst Xmas ever (so have I) none of my family want anything to do with him (both my mum and sister have contacted him and sent birthday cards & presents)

He didn't get any texts on NYE (can't believe that, but I certainly didn't send him one) and had an awful night (so did I) He's coming next week to throw out all his stuff that's left in my house so that there's nothing of his here when another man comes here. I've told him he's not been and won't be doing.

He wanted to know when I started seeing him (in Nov) and just looked like a broken man.

I'm worried about him. I know I shouldn't be but I hate to see anyone so upset, and even though he broke me into little pieces I can't bring myself to hate him confused

He cried and so did I, and we hugged. I don't ever want him back, but it's horrible seeing him like that. He doesn't appear to have anyone to talk to. (although the week he was leaving he was messaging some woman arranging to meet up so don't know what's happened to her)

Come on. Tell me to pull myself together. Please?

RollerCola Fri 03-Jan-14 23:04:59

I can't believe how stressed out just this one conversation has left me. It's like it used to be all the time again. How did I live like this? My own mental health suffered and I'm only just getting it back.

I wish I hadn't said anything to him now, I've feel like I've opened a floodgate and I'm scared he'll do something stupid. He won't will he? He just wants me to feel sorry for him. I spent years doing that and it got me exactly nowhere.

He's missing having someone to dump his woes onto.

Allergictoironing Fri 03-Jan-14 23:22:36

Exceptionally unlikely to do anything stupid - see the thread 'If you leave me I'll kill myself'.... If he threatened or suggests it, it's almost always a way to try to manipulate & control you.

Well done recognising that he's just missing having you to dump on, not for who you really are but for what use you are to him. The same with the new man in your life, your ex only cares because it says you are over him & that attacks HIS ego.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 04-Jan-14 07:25:30

Again, I think it's important that you're seeing this for what it is. This is all part of the detachment process. He probably won't do something stupid e.g. kill himself but, even if he did, it would not be your doing. If he needs to dump, give him the number for the Samaritans and then take a big step back into your independent, happy, calm life. Leave him to his.

MothershipG Sat 04-Jan-14 07:57:10

Hope you are feeling better this morning and your migraine has passed.

1. If he does 'do something stupid' it will be entirely down to him and not your fault, you can not be responsible for another person in this way.

2. Please read this thread to reassure yourself that it is extremely unlikely!

Today is a new day, yesterday is behind you, onwards and upwards in your new life!

I divorced after a long marriage too: my experience was that it took a lot longer than 6 months for things to settle down. There is very little that's logical about this phase, it's all emotional and often irrational. It's also very hard to reduce communication to the essentials (especially when you are looking at years of joint parenting) and hard not to still feel responsible for each other's emotional wellbeing.

But you and he have both agreed to separate. It's his decision, and his emotional wellbeing is his responsibility now. Also, you have to accept that it's impossible for you to fix him any more: he needs to move on and away from you.

This stage will pass; if you can be cool calm consistent and a bit tough it will probably pass a bit quicker.

RollerCola Sat 04-Jan-14 09:02:03

Thanks for thinking of me this morning, I read the 'I'm gonna kill myself' thread and it did help. It was almost comical if I wasn't so upset about it grin

Feel bit better this morning, my migraine has gone but I think ds is coming down with something as I've been up 3 times in the night to him. He was all hot and was having night terrors and nose bleeds.

Again, it's so much better when my ex isn't around. I can almost feel the calm in the air. When I see him the tension comes right back. I am still worried about him but haven't contacted him and I won't do unless it's about the children.

I am fighting with contacting either his mum or sister though now to ask them to check he's ok. They aren't really in touch like I am with my family - not for any bad reason, they just leave him alone (like I should be doing!) His mum seems to have taken my side and when she does contact him it's usually because she's telling him off about something.

I think the upshot is, after behaving the way he has for all these years, he's now finding that he's not got many allies because most people he knows thinks he's a bit of a twat. He doesn't understand that though because in his head he honestly doesn't think he's done anything wrong. He believes that we both just grew apart and decided amicably that we should separate.

My take on it is obviously quite different to that and I've not particularly held back on telling people about his behaviour and the online affair stuff. I don't know what he's said about me, he never seemed to be able to tell me what I'd done or not done that was so bad for him.

So I think friends and family really are keeping a wide berth from him. And it hurts him. There's no one to see how terrible he feels. He just puts a pained expression on his face and waits for everyone to ask how he is. Only they don't.

It's horrible to see, but it's not my job to make him happy any more. Sorry I'm rambling a bit now. It's really helping to get it out though, thank you so much for your replies.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 04-Jan-14 09:13:46

Rambling to us is better than pandering to him.... don't worry. Hope your DS feels better.

Allergictoironing Sat 04-Jan-14 09:25:02

Just a quick heads up to expect news that he's looking dreadful - unkempt, sort of ill-looking with nothing specific, hang-dog expression, a bit unshaven & scruffy looking. THIS IS NORMAL, AND PART OF THE SCRIPT.

There's likely nothing wrong with him at all except a combination of him feeling sorry for himself because he isn't the centre of your universe any more, and for effect to get sympathy. Keep reminding yourself that he was the one who initially wanted the divorce not you, and that he was adamant that this is still what he wanted until he found out about your new guy.

FunkyBoldRibena Sat 04-Jan-14 09:26:51

Roller - he had his cake and now he wants a piece of you back. It's not on for him to play you like this. He is hurting as a result of his actions - that's just bloody tough shit on him.

Set standard times for contact, and do not waiver without good reason.

When he is going through his stuff [why does he have to do that, can't you put it in bags for him to take away and sort?] don't do it with him and hug him every time he cries. Put a funny DVD on and get yourself a coffee and make sure you are doing something else at the time.

You are a woman and you are strong, don't falter and fall into the pity trap.

FunnyFestiveTableRunner Sat 04-Jan-14 09:28:02

Your husband is reaping what he has sown. There is an opportunity here for him to learn something about himself and be a better person. That's his journey. You have your own life to live.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Sat 04-Jan-14 09:37:39

Possibly he liked the idea that you were there, alone, wanting him back and he had the power and control and genuinely thought that if he changed his mind he could show up on your doorstep and youd sink to your knees in gratitude.

you finding someone else wasnt part of this picture he's created

I dont think he loves or wants you or that he's upset, its more likely that he's furious that you havent stuck to this script he's playing out. So he's trying to pull you back to it.

wallypops Sat 04-Jan-14 09:47:41

I have an awful relationship with my ex and I dread him coming to pick up kids but he never comes in to the house unless absolutely vital. It's a small thing but it helps to detach. He has no need to know about your life or what goes on in your home. More or less what goes on at home stays at home. I think this is probably a case of fake it til you make it. Decide what your boundaries need to be then tell him what they are (and why if you really must).

RollerCola Sat 04-Jan-14 10:22:27

I need to toughen up. I know I do, it's been a fault of mine all my life and one which stopped me calling a day on all this at least 5 years ago.

He has cleared most of his stuff out already, there's just some big furniture type things, and stuff in the garage. I'm not bothered by them, they can stay there forever. But he wants everything that was his 'out' so there's nothing of his here if some other man's going to be coming round. Sigh hmm

Ok time for action. No more contact unless to arrange dc visits. No asking how he is, no asking the children how he is. I don't care how he is. I look after myself and protect my children. I will be polite when I see him but will keep a distance.

And next week I will be chasing up my divorce.

MothershipG Sat 04-Jan-14 11:55:15

Sounds like you have some excellent New Year's resolutions to be going on with! Can I just say that you sound like a truly lovely person.

Here's wishing you a fab 2014!

FunkyBoldRibena Sat 04-Jan-14 11:58:32

Sweetie can I just point out that he is happy enough when you are lonely but sulking now that you have the potential for happiness. You are being too nice. Stop it immediately.

RollerCola Sat 04-Jan-14 12:03:30

Thank you mothership you're very kind smile

And yes yes I'm too nice grin Time to find my inner 'Don't give a Fuck, Fucker'

FunkyBoldRibena Sat 04-Jan-14 12:07:44

>Passes Roller a big fat 'Whatever'

RollerCola Sat 04-Jan-14 15:38:27

He's text me today so he's definitely still alive grin Have arranged a time for the children to see him tomorrow and now apparently he's out with some friends, in the pub presumably.

So hopefully he's now over yesterday's little meltdown. Hopefully I've actually given him something to think about and maybe it'll be the push he needs to actually take control of his own life for once and move on himself.

shey02 Sat 04-Jan-14 15:42:35

People can show strange colours when all of a sudden you seem happier than they are. Don't fall for it. Be civil and friendly for the dc sake, but limit contact and other conversations, don't become his 'friend'...

Minime85 Sat 04-Jan-14 17:02:53

gosh you've got a lot going on. your post at 10.22 shows you can turn that corner though. remember that. its hard after you've been in touch with someone in one way or another for so many years to have no contact. but it is the reality of his choices and will help you move forward as well. you are sounding so strong. going to try and emulate some if that smile

offloadingthisshit Sat 04-Jan-14 17:38:06

The Bruno Mars song 'When I was your man' springs to mind. He's now realising he didn't put any effort in but thought you would always be there and now you're moving on he is all woe is me. Boo fucking hoo!

RollerCola Tue 07-Jan-14 18:03:26

Thanks for your support everyone. After an ok weekend of politeness he's gone back into meltdown mode right there on facebook by the looks of it. He's started posting particularly offensive pictures on there, and he's just been to mine and started moving all his 'stuff' into the garage in preparation of throwing it into a skip presumably.

I didn't really speak to him as he looked in a particularly bad mood.

So facebook - unfriend and block yes? I know it's not the world's biggest problem but I don't need to see his ramblings on there. I just don't want to rock the boat even more and antagonise him even more. He scares me if I'm honest.

TimeToPassGo Tue 07-Jan-14 19:41:02

I would be tempted to hide his posts from your timeline rather than block him, just so you or a supportive friend can check he isn't writing something completely defamatory!

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