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How do you deal with mind games, being belittled, lied about and denial?

(31 Posts)
Blinkers Fri 03-Jan-14 20:23:18

Hi to everyone. I'm a newbie and came across this forum a few days ago and want to ask for some advice after a hellish month. I've been with my partner for nearly 10yrs we don't have young dependent children which is probably just as well, and we live together.

I don't know where to start and I find it really hard to describe what has happened without sounding like a paranoid, gibbering idiot or an attention seeker. My OH is a professional older man with a large circle of acquaintances. He comes across as a very laid back, easy to talk to man with a wide range of interests. Superficially he doesn't show any signs of being a bully or controller or liar. Over time I've found that he has never really had a long term relationship and can't really explain why but it was the woman's fault or their high powered job got in the way. Over the years he has run down my jobs either directly or indirectly: "that's de-skilling you" or "my mate is doing a really moronic job" exactly the same work I was doing. My appearance has been chipped away at " I won't take that photo too close or it will show all your imperfections" or "where's that nice skirt?" - the one which is one size too small. "Mental illness runs in my family" my sister was on anti depressants. When I used to go out he would want at least a day's notice and recently had a go at me when a friend couldn't give me notice about a meet up.

He has misrepresented people to me, either their character or what they've been doing. When I've questioned some of this he's laughed and said I take things too literally, he's only kidding. He has lied about me to some of his friends who believe it's him who's bullied etc so I get the double whammy of his friend's annoyance. To some of his friends I'm probably an evil old witch.

He wants to know my work rota for the week but he will not always share his with me. Same goes for a lot of things - he should have open access to me but not vice-versa. He used to go through my bag and phone but I've secured those. I have done that back to him and he did not like it.

In the recent past I've challenged his behaviour but he would go round in circles or off on tangents. I would usually give up. A lot of my own reasoning and words are now thrown back at me so it's impossible to have any discussion. He has physically threatened me in the past and recently grabbed me around the throat, not hard, but enough to put the wind up me. Later I kicked him in the butt without shoes. Not great, is it?

I've spoken to a few people trained in this area but they're overburdened with violent cases or it's been too expensive to continue. As I'm writing this I wonder if he will see this and use this against me - that I am doing this to him. I have a very low paid job but I am crushed at the moment and I really want to build myself up to get the hell away from this. How do I protect myself? I don't want to dish his own behaviour back to him. I also hate how this plays in the background but can never be talked about. We've been sitting here and he's trying to talk about normal things, it's mad! He knows he does it but can't stop, I think he's proud of this.

Hassled Fri 03-Jan-14 20:26:44

Why the hell are you with him? And for 10 years? With no kids? Run for the hills. Start making plans now.

You've asked how you deal with it - you can't ever deal with it. You can't change him and you can't win. All you can do is walk away.

ALittleStranger Fri 03-Jan-14 20:28:39

You do not "deal with" you leave. This is not normal behaviour and is not something to be worked around like leaving wet towels on the bed.

Laquitar Fri 03-Jan-14 20:31:07

By leaving. Fast!!

You dont have children with him, run as fast as you can.

How can you even look at him without vomiting. His comments are discusting!

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 03-Jan-14 20:31:33

Physical threats and throat-grabbing cross a line and you could have legtimately called the police and had him removed. Kicking him back was self-defence. The other stuff you're describing is serious emotional abuse, controlling behaviour, bullying and it's clearly escalating. I'm not surprised you're crushed because that's precisely his intention. He knows he does it and he chooses to do it because it gets him what he wants. i.e. you give up challenging him.

Because you're actually in some danger and because these things tend to get worse if abusers think the game is up, I would strongly recommend you pick a quiet moment to give Womens Aid a call 0808 2000 247 rather than waiting to build yourself up.

Stay safe.

TheRobberBride Fri 03-Jan-14 20:43:41

You deal with it by leaving. He sounds vile OP. He won't change his behaviour but you don't have to put up with it.

Call Women's Aid and consult the CAB so you can be sure you know your rights. Make a plan then leave.

I left my abusive husband last year. I thought I'd never be strong enough to do it but I did. You can too.

Unmumsnetty hugs to you.

EllieInTheRoom Fri 03-Jan-14 20:46:19

Find the emotional abuse support thread on page 2 of relationship topics blinkers and click on the third link down in the OP. It talks about a lot of the examples you give almost word for word. It's definitely emotional abuse.
(Sorry I can't post links on this phone)
You need to get away as quickly as possible

As cog says, stay safe

bewilderedotcom Fri 03-Jan-14 20:46:28

Like so many others on here too your story is just like mine. The same mind games, accusing you of things or motives you don't have, talking about you to other people and belittling you. I have been with my H longer and the children are teens, but everything you say is what I have said!

This book is enormously helpful and will help clear the mental fog this type of behaviour causes www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1388781867&sr=1-1&keywords=lundy+bancrofts

This is how he behaves in a lot of ways counsellingresource.com/features/2011/11/08/gaslighting/

thestir.cafemom.com/love_sex/159299/10_signs_your_man_is

I am currently making plans to divorce. Its a hard and scary choice but its my only hope of peace. You need to get out too.

pictish Fri 03-Jan-14 20:46:37

You deal with it by not. In other words...leave.

something2say Fri 03-Jan-14 20:50:12

I would deal with this by not talking to him about it. Don't expect him to agree with you whatsoever. But do plan your exit and always, always trust yourself. X you are not paranoid, but if you mistrust yourself, he can control things. No.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 03-Jan-14 20:51:33

Are you OK OP?

Blinkers Fri 03-Jan-14 21:05:00

Sorry for not posting earlier, it's awkward as my OH is in and wanting to know what I'm looking at. It will be easier tomorrow.

handfulofcottonbuds Fri 03-Jan-14 21:20:42

Delete your history and your cookies. Can you go on MN in private browsing?

Deathwatchbeetle Fri 03-Jan-14 21:27:06

How unfortunate that such a catch as he is has had such continued problem with women! Of course, it couldn't be that he is the problem could it??!!!!! What kind of a man belittles someone else and puts them down to big up himself? Sad creature.

I hope you do not intend on staying?

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 03-Jan-14 21:28:22

Yes, do stay safe. Get MNHQ to delete the thread if you need to.

GoldfishCrackers Fri 03-Jan-14 22:06:30

He's abusive and controlling. You can't change him, you can only leave. It's not you; it's him. There's a reason he's got no friends, only acquaintances, and has never had a long term relationship. Superficial harm will only get you so far.

BillyBanter Fri 03-Jan-14 22:09:43

I've only read your title. Deal with it by getting rid.

BillyBanter Fri 03-Jan-14 22:10:20

Log out and delete from your history!

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Fri 03-Jan-14 22:11:14

Don't deal with it. Leave.

if there are no children, don't stay because when you have children or a child it will be harder to leave.
men like this don't change I have not experienced what you have but have seen it from a distance

happytalk13 Fri 03-Jan-14 22:30:02

This blog has a wealth of information:

lightshouse.org/lights-blog/#axzz2pMCJRCFQ

I recommend you start with the Gaslighting, Hoovering, Invalidation. It might help you make sense of what is being done to you. You are not imagining it and you are not losing your mind.

Read, get out, get a better life.

Kandypane Sat 04-Jan-14 08:58:48

Are you ok OP?

Anniegetyourgun Sat 04-Jan-14 09:08:12

If he's been doing this to you for ten years it's really not terribly likely he's going to suddenly see the light and turn into Partner of the Century, is it?

I suggest you start looking at how you could manage to survive without him in your life - financially, that is, because emotionally you will be immeasurably better off - think about where you could live, whether you could stay with family or friends temporarily or flat share, check up on benefits etc - make a plan. You don't have to go through with it right away, but knowing you could walk away any time will help your confidence no end.

There is absolutely no reason why you should have to stay with someone who does not make your life better by their presence.

HissyNewYear Sat 04-Jan-14 09:26:51

You've had some very good advice here love, there is,kt any alternative to leaving i'm afraid. He's abusing you. sad

winkywinkola Sat 04-Jan-14 09:31:44

It's great you don't have children together.

Get out and leave.

He makes you unhappy. He is not good to you at all.

You have the opportunity to find happiness.

Flee woman!

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