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Really need some advice about ds and dp

(82 Posts)
primrose22 Thu 02-Jan-14 16:31:12

My ds got very upset yesterday, he tends to be a 'bottle it up' type but he opened up to me last night and I am now so torn sad He said that he 'sort of' doesn't want dp to live with us anymore, which I presume is him trying to minimise the fact he doesn't want him here at all?
Dp isn't his df but has been in his life since he was 3, he is now 9. They are very close and my ds is spontaneously cuddly with dp and will often choose to spend time with dp over anyone else. Confusingly he often asks why we aren't married!
Now, my dp has type 1 diabetes and when he is out of balance is very unrecognisable and gets very irrational, angry and at times (for a few hrs) extremely hard to live with. Ds admitted he is scared when he's like this and worries about it happening. Both of us hate the dcs seeing him like this and always talk openly after it happens and try and reassure them. Dp is trying very hard to keep his blood level and has a drs appt tomorrow to ask for extra help. When he is in balance, he is a loving, kind and incredibly supportive dp and step father and he is devastated about the way ds feels.
What on earth do I do? Nothing is more important to me than my dcs happiness but both myself and dd would hate dp to leave and I honestly think ds would be devastated too. Dp is determined to do whatever is best for the dcs and although he is hiding it from the children he is distraught about it all.
Thank-you for getting this far, any advice very very welcome.

Twinklestein Thu 02-Jan-14 17:13:12

Are you sure these moods are diabetes - maybe they're just him?

RandomMess Thu 02-Jan-14 17:16:14

Any possibility of him getting an insulin pump?

primrose22 Thu 02-Jan-14 17:31:27

Definitely related to diabetes, as it is always when he's out of balance. He has tried to get the pump but they wouldn't refer him, the appointment tomorrow is to try again!

RandomMess Thu 02-Jan-14 17:37:58

Ah I see. Is he lax with taking care of his diet etc. or is it just for some reason not very controlled for unknown reasons?

primrose22 Thu 02-Jan-14 17:44:26

He tries very hard to control but life can be unpredictable and he often works/ eats at unsociable hrs, sometimes its for no reason, he tries hard all day and just can't keep in balance.

Jaffacakesallround Thu 02-Jan-14 17:47:11

if it really is down to diabetes, how does he cope at work or with people outside the family?

If he manages to be civil and control his moods etc in public then I'd be worried that he simply doesn't make an effort at home.

RandomMess Thu 02-Jan-14 17:50:27

What are the criteria for him getting a pump on the NHS? I have friends who paid for one privately but the NHS then did take it on.

Twinklestein Thu 02-Jan-14 17:55:29

My uncle's type 1 diabetic, he suffers from mood swings, depression, and anger issues - but then he always did. He was angry way before he developed diabetes. And I wonder if diabetes is a useful hook to hang the issue on - rather than actually confronting the anger itself? (I know other diabetics type 1 & 2 who don't have anger issues at all...)

Even if it is purely caused by blood sugar imbalance, if it's causing this much problem in family life, then it's something he needs to address in addition to the diabetes.

primrose22 Thu 02-Jan-14 18:15:06

The pump is normally offered to people with poorly managed diabetes, dp doesn't fit this criteria. He does control his anger away from home but I think its because he never lets his guard down, its actually incredibly hard to stay in balance and I often think he relaxes when he's home. For the last few weeks he has tried extra hard, checking his blood more, being extra careful about injections and he has been very calm and balanced. I am honestly not trying to excuse his behaviour, I just don't know how to move forward with this sad

RandomMess Thu 02-Jan-14 18:20:02

What do the professionals say is badly managed diabtetes? Has he been honest with them at how badly it affects his mood and the impact that is having on his everyday life?

Also is there a possibility of him doing different work so he can eat and sleep at regular times to improve things?

arthriticfingers Thu 02-Jan-14 18:25:04

Sorry - but shouldn't he be making more effort not less with those whose lives he shares rather than 'relaxing' like this confused

primrose22 Thu 02-Jan-14 18:29:47

He is seeing a different Dr tomorrow and also wants me to come so that we can talk openly about how hard it is at times. Ds seems much happier today and is still talking about it which is good. I guess my question is, is it ok to say to him that we're so sorry he feels like this and we are going to try hard to make things better for him but dp not living with us isn't an option. I just worry that I'm letting him down sad I do tend to over analyse/think things, I work with troubled children and I this is a factor. Thanks everyone.

primrose22 Thu 02-Jan-14 18:39:24

Its like having a hormonal inbalance, I know that for 2 days a month I can put a brave face on things socially and at work but behind closed doors I'm tearful and irrational with dp and while normally very patient I can have a much shorter fuse than normal. I'm not dismissing any advice being given and appreciate it all.

CailinDana Thu 02-Jan-14 18:42:37

I think there needs to be a time limit on things improving.

Has there been any violence or threatening behaviour?

Hassled Thu 02-Jan-14 18:42:59

I read your OP and was going to say "make sure you do with him" so I'm very glad you're already planning to do that. And don't hold back with the GP to spare your DP - make it clear the extent to which the moods are affecting the whole family. Fingers crossed it will work.

I do understand how hard it is for your DP but the responsibility is only with him - if he can control things outside the home then he should absolutely control things in front of a scared child.

JeanSeberg Thu 02-Jan-14 18:43:05

I think you should listen to what your son is saying and consider your partner moving out temporarily until he can get it under control.

primrose22 Thu 02-Jan-14 18:49:31

Absolutely no violence towards us or threatening behavior, I really wouldn't tolerate that. We did talk last night about him moving out temporarily but still being part of our lives, I'm so torn as my dd would be distraught at the prospect sad

CailinDana Thu 02-Jan-14 18:50:53

How long has he had diabetes?

primrose22 Thu 02-Jan-14 18:51:29

Since puberty.

CailinDana Thu 02-Jan-14 18:58:56

So has this behaviour been going on for the entire relationship?

primrose22 Thu 02-Jan-14 19:03:44

We didn't witness it before he lived with us as it happens so infrequently it would have been unlikely to occur when the dcs weren't with him for long periods of time, if that makes sense? He is increasingly working longer and irregular hours in an industry that depends on this sort of working pattern and this doesn't seem to help.

Jaffacakesallround Thu 02-Jan-14 19:10:02

maybe he seriously needs to think about his choice of job in the same way that other people choose jobs or careers that are 'family friendly', or when they have to make choices because of health issues.

Is this an option?

Short term, has he a bolt hole in the house- so he can take himself off out of the way when he's moody and grumpy?

Twinklestein Thu 02-Jan-14 19:13:17

From what you're saying when he made an effort to check his blood sugar more frequently & be more careful about his injections - he was ok. I wonder if during that time he was also more careful about monitoring his anger too - as presumably that was partly why he was doing it?

aaaaaaa Thu 02-Jan-14 19:19:50

Ive never heard of diabetes affecting families like this

why doesn't he just stay out of the way whilst he feels like this, if it is short lived and infrequent?

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