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Online dating gameplaying - what the hell?!

(52 Posts)
carouselle Thu 02-Jan-14 16:13:51

I'm a long term lurker, first time poster, hoping for some insight and wondering how on earth to get my head around this...

Bit of background, I'm in my late twenties, my DP died suddenly in 2012, which resulted in me moving back to my home city to be closer to my family. The first year was dreadful, but gradually I picked myself up, felt ready to date again. I didn't really know many people my age in the area so decided I'd try OD (Match.com) I met a few people, but no one who really captured my attention until I got talking to one man.

He seemed extremely genuine, with a similar outlook on life and interests as myself. He was articulate and a good listener and emails soon progressed to long phone calls every evening. We exchanged lots of photographs and he was exactly my physical type, as he said I was to him. Due to a 100-mile distance between us, it was a month before we were able to meet up, by which point a bond had formed and tension had escalated to the point where we couldn't wait to see each other.

The night before I went down to see him, he messaged me "I hope you're the reason I joined Match, you seem to have everything I'm looking for, I hope that doesn't scare you," and "my instincts are usually right and they're telling me you are what I've been searching for."

Anyway, we met up and I felt instant chemistry and he told me that I was exactly how he imagined I would be. One thing led to another and we eventually ended up back at his house and spent the night together. Everything felt right and natural if a little surreal and as we lay in each other’s arms before we went to sleep, he told me that he was never going to let me go.

In the morning, I jumped in the shower and he told me that he was popping out to pick us up some breakfast. I was on cloud nine, so after about 40 minutes when he hadn't come back and I spotted a note addressed to me on the coffee table asking me to check my phone, I hoped that it was a nice surprise. When I checked, I was really shocked to find a message that said: "I don't feel that spark and I won't pretend I do, I will be away 4 most of the day. 4 both our sakes it would be better if you were gone when I return."

I was dumbfounded - fair enough if he didn't feel a spark, but a) why lie that he did and act in such a convincing way that he did? and b) why not have the guts to tell me to my face??! He didn't seem like a player - was this all really an elaborate ploy to have sex with me? If so, it seemed like such a ridiculous effort!

I phoned him, but he wouldn't pick up so I sent a text asking if he could at least clarify why he acted in such a baffling manner. All he would say was that he would answer my questions later, but for now I must get out of his house - he'd given his keys to a friend and the friend was coming over in an hour to make sure I'd gone!! I left, with really no idea how to get to the train station from his house in this unfamiliar city, feeling utterly duped and shell-shocked.

Anyway, that was two weeks ago. I sent him one more message reiterating that I would appreciate some answers, to which he ignored. Obviously I have no desire to see this man ever again, but this has really floored me. He was the first person who I had feelings for since DP died. I'm usually such a good judge of character. I can't believe that someone apparently so lovely could be such a coward. I feel like I've lost faith in my judgement and wonder whether this is normal for online dating? Right now I feel like taking myself off to a nunnery and not bothering ever again ☹

MirandaIV Mon 28-Apr-14 22:37:40

I've recently started online dating and met four men. Three very nice and normal but not attractive to me and one who I saw twice but decided he was too controlling. They were all from Match, so I would recommend it. I would add though, that, call me old fashioned, but perhaps we should resolve never to spend the night at someone's house or let them back to yours on the first or even second meeting? They could be complete lunatic axe murderers. It's not the same as when someone is local and is in your social circle or you know of them. Please please be careful girls. Xx (motherly advice from older single smile

HanselandGretel Fri 03-Jan-14 19:05:04

I totally agree with others, meet up as soon as possible, then there is no chance of developing this false intimacy beforehand. Just have a coffee, get to know them a bit, not saying he wouldn't have been a complete shit a few dates down the line and done the same thing but it would have been harder for him to maintain the facade.
This guys behaviour was unbelievably rude and frankly sounds a bit unbalanced, you had a lucky escape.

Varya Fri 03-Jan-14 18:45:04

Cleaning under the toilet rim with his toothbrush is too good for this moron. Better luck next time, hopefully. Varya XX

JeanSeberg Fri 03-Jan-14 18:34:09

There was a similar thread recently from a woman who slept with the guy on the first date and was hoping for more that never materialised. Ok the guy wasn't in this league but it's a risk you take with a one-night stand.

powpow80 Fri 03-Jan-14 18:15:42

I second the meeting up quickly. It is easy to get carried away when chatting online or on the phone. Been there, done that and learned the lesson. I tend to meet people quite quickly. That way you can see if there's anything there in real life.

Fairystepsthought Fri 03-Jan-14 17:44:46

carouselle I thought about this over night and discussed with a friend -we've both been in this position - my advice is don't give up - meet quickly otherwise you will feel like you're already in a relationship with them - conjuring up mr Darcy or similar in your head! Don't give that idiot another second of your life. Be positive there are some great guys out there - I know - been there done that - married with ds now 18 months and dd due in feb. Good luck! X

Allofaflumble Fri 03-Jan-14 14:39:38

OP this is completely horrible. I will come to the nunnery with you.

JeanSeberg Fri 03-Jan-14 14:25:12

Sorry you've been through this.

Perhaps now would be a good time to review your OD strategy.

Chat to several blokes at once, a few messages online to ascertain whether you've got a few things in common. Send out loads of messages to all those who appeal, something short but personalised Eg "Hi I'm XXX, Really enjoyed reading your profile, good to come across someone else who is interested in XXX! How was your Christmas and New Year and how is the dating going?"

Then when you've exchanged a few messages and feel that you have a few things in common/similar outlook, suggest meeting up.

Some of them will disappear at that point.

Which will leave a couple left, one or two of which you might actually get to meet in the 'real world'.

Keep the first date to a day-time coffee to see if it's worth arranging a proper date at a later stage.

Depending on how much free time you have, no more than a couple of weeks' max between the first email and meeting. And keep the chat short but sweet before you meet up, quick chat on the phone perhaps but don't get drawn into anything emotional.

CosyTeaBags Fri 03-Jan-14 14:11:46

Wait for a month and text him 'have you not found 'it' yet lolz' grin

OP his profile sounds a little 'over the top' "I am a very loving, caring man who cannot seem to find the right women to make me happy" - Puke. Of course, it's easy to see that with hindsight - but to me that over the top flowery language is a red flag.

Good luck, don't let it put you off. Just consider it a good lesson learned, onwards and upwards.

Reindeerfromhell Fri 03-Jan-14 13:51:02

Just read this open-mouthed. Poor OP. So sorry about your partner in 2012.
In amongst the dross there are some gold stars. I met my DP 3 weeks after dating a wanker (not as bad as this one) when I wasn't looking for anyone. The wanker kissed me so hard I had bruises round my mouth. I echo the advice to try and meet them in person as soon as is viably possible so there is not too much emotional investment made in advance. And obviously the usual precautions of letting a friend know where you are going and with whom.

FunkyBoldRibena Fri 03-Jan-14 12:34:37

Wait for a month and text him
'have you not found 'it' yet lolz'.

carouselle Fri 03-Jan-14 12:29:59

I'm just reading over his profile dating again, and laughing at the irony: "I am looking to meet my soulmate..not interested in flings i am looking for someone to share my life with" and "I am a very loving, caring man who cannot seem to find the right women to make me happy."

Oh pur-lease!

Dazoo Fri 03-Jan-14 11:45:40

Those last two posted while I was writing are possibly worse.

Dazoo Fri 03-Jan-14 11:44:38

Jesus, what a cunt.
Only thing I'd add to what others have said is that with OD you should never emotionally invest much until you've actually met someone. I think he's probably just quite simply a serial shagger who plays up to prospective dates in order to get a guaranteed result.

You seem to be managing it very well.

I have a worse story though. Not mine. Girl at work (and yes I found out because I am responsible for the laptops) had a similar experience except they went back to hers. Lovely evening and then, as I expect you've already guessed, the next morning he brought her coffee saying he had to get to work but would see her later. Laptop disappeared with him.

mammadiggingdeep Fri 03-Jan-14 10:05:29

A friend of mine invited an on line date back to her flat- he took her car keys and nicked her car!!!

powpow80 Fri 03-Jan-14 09:41:45

Carouselle OD can be a bit of a minefield all right. One can only hope to meet someone who doesn't play games or is a complete twunt!

Someone I know had been on a few dates with a guy. Invited her and a friend back for a few drinks with him and his friend. They were in the living room chatting and a girl in pjs came down the stairs asking who they were. He pretended my friend was back with his friend. My friend was like wtf? The girl was his live in long term gf. Beggars belief.

ThisSucks Thu 02-Jan-14 20:24:52

Carouselle my friend was definitely put off for a while...she was wondering what was wrong with HER, when in fact she is BRILLIANT - gorgeous, funny, adventurous, clever...She just was unlucky enough to meet freaks. But I think it definitely made her question her personality/character/nature when before she had been so confident. I do think the weirdo you were unlucky to meet sounds very calculated and cruel, in a way hers were not. You definitely had a lucky escape. xx

carouselle Thu 02-Jan-14 20:09:54

Bloody hell ThisSucks your poor friend - those stories are even worse than mine!!

Just read a news headline that today apparently is the busiest web dating day of the year - I certainly won't be logging in for a while...

ThisSucks Thu 02-Jan-14 20:01:10

Urgh what an utter gobshite! My friend was telling me she met a similar guy on Plentyoffish. They went out, had a great day together, and went back to his. They were kissing and cuddling on the sofa when he suddenly umped up and yelled in her face to get out!! She couldn't understand it and was really shaken. Another guy she met, she spent the night with, and woke the next morning to see him pointing a gun at her face and accusing her of rifling through one of his bags and stealing money!!!!! She was wearing nothing - just a sheet - but luckily his flatmate got her out and kept her safe. FREAKS!!

handfulofcottonbuds Thu 02-Jan-14 19:56:49

You kept your dignity intact, he is worthless. There will be somebody special for you out there.

carouselle Thu 02-Jan-14 19:54:13

There was a moldy container of food in his fridge, apparently belonging to his housemate - right now I'm picturing how great that would have looked smeared all over his bed!!

nopanicandverylittleanxiety Thu 02-Jan-14 19:48:37

I agree with the previous posters. He is a nasty bastard.

I'm loving the idea of a no 2 in his bed. He would have deserved it.

BitOutOfPractice Thu 02-Jan-14 19:46:28

Oh good god! I've read some online nightmares before and had a couple myself but that realy does take the fucking business!

Glad you can laugh now but sheesh it's just awful!

There are lovely men online. Lick your wounds and get back to it!

MasterP0 Thu 02-Jan-14 19:29:46

Carouselle I wish you could name and shame, I so want to teach him a lesson! I'm so angry on your behalf! What a NASTY HORRID HUMAN BEING, WASTE OF SKIN, GOD FARTED AND POOF THERE HE WAS!!!!

Twinklestein Thu 02-Jan-14 19:23:16

This isn't even just player behaviour though, it's quite mad.

He's obviously a total nutjob.

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