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Online dating gameplaying - what the hell?!

(52 Posts)
carouselle Thu 02-Jan-14 16:13:51

I'm a long term lurker, first time poster, hoping for some insight and wondering how on earth to get my head around this...

Bit of background, I'm in my late twenties, my DP died suddenly in 2012, which resulted in me moving back to my home city to be closer to my family. The first year was dreadful, but gradually I picked myself up, felt ready to date again. I didn't really know many people my age in the area so decided I'd try OD (Match.com) I met a few people, but no one who really captured my attention until I got talking to one man.

He seemed extremely genuine, with a similar outlook on life and interests as myself. He was articulate and a good listener and emails soon progressed to long phone calls every evening. We exchanged lots of photographs and he was exactly my physical type, as he said I was to him. Due to a 100-mile distance between us, it was a month before we were able to meet up, by which point a bond had formed and tension had escalated to the point where we couldn't wait to see each other.

The night before I went down to see him, he messaged me "I hope you're the reason I joined Match, you seem to have everything I'm looking for, I hope that doesn't scare you," and "my instincts are usually right and they're telling me you are what I've been searching for."

Anyway, we met up and I felt instant chemistry and he told me that I was exactly how he imagined I would be. One thing led to another and we eventually ended up back at his house and spent the night together. Everything felt right and natural if a little surreal and as we lay in each other’s arms before we went to sleep, he told me that he was never going to let me go.

In the morning, I jumped in the shower and he told me that he was popping out to pick us up some breakfast. I was on cloud nine, so after about 40 minutes when he hadn't come back and I spotted a note addressed to me on the coffee table asking me to check my phone, I hoped that it was a nice surprise. When I checked, I was really shocked to find a message that said: "I don't feel that spark and I won't pretend I do, I will be away 4 most of the day. 4 both our sakes it would be better if you were gone when I return."

I was dumbfounded - fair enough if he didn't feel a spark, but a) why lie that he did and act in such a convincing way that he did? and b) why not have the guts to tell me to my face??! He didn't seem like a player - was this all really an elaborate ploy to have sex with me? If so, it seemed like such a ridiculous effort!

I phoned him, but he wouldn't pick up so I sent a text asking if he could at least clarify why he acted in such a baffling manner. All he would say was that he would answer my questions later, but for now I must get out of his house - he'd given his keys to a friend and the friend was coming over in an hour to make sure I'd gone!! I left, with really no idea how to get to the train station from his house in this unfamiliar city, feeling utterly duped and shell-shocked.

Anyway, that was two weeks ago. I sent him one more message reiterating that I would appreciate some answers, to which he ignored. Obviously I have no desire to see this man ever again, but this has really floored me. He was the first person who I had feelings for since DP died. I'm usually such a good judge of character. I can't believe that someone apparently so lovely could be such a coward. I feel like I've lost faith in my judgement and wonder whether this is normal for online dating? Right now I feel like taking myself off to a nunnery and not bothering ever again ☹

HanselandGretel Fri 03-Jan-14 19:05:04

I totally agree with others, meet up as soon as possible, then there is no chance of developing this false intimacy beforehand. Just have a coffee, get to know them a bit, not saying he wouldn't have been a complete shit a few dates down the line and done the same thing but it would have been harder for him to maintain the facade.
This guys behaviour was unbelievably rude and frankly sounds a bit unbalanced, you had a lucky escape.

MirandaIV Mon 28-Apr-14 22:37:40

I've recently started online dating and met four men. Three very nice and normal but not attractive to me and one who I saw twice but decided he was too controlling. They were all from Match, so I would recommend it. I would add though, that, call me old fashioned, but perhaps we should resolve never to spend the night at someone's house or let them back to yours on the first or even second meeting? They could be complete lunatic axe murderers. It's not the same as when someone is local and is in your social circle or you know of them. Please please be careful girls. Xx (motherly advice from older single smile

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