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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

what do you do if your dc dont want to go with their dad?

77 replies

aaaaaaa · 02/01/2014 15:00

I don't think its for any really good reason, they would just rather be with me. That said he is/was slightly EA with me

he doesn't put much effort into encouraging them to go with him.

today, as a result he has been in my house for the last 4 hours. He has just asked if i am cooking food! I said i want him to take them to his house and cook, because i want some time to myself. He got angry with me and said i as fucking rude. He always thinks the responsibility ismine to make them go with him. I feel like he should actually parent them on the 1 day a week he sees them. Its my 'day off' isn't it?

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aaaaaaa · 02/01/2014 15:01

But besides that, any advice on how to manage the situation?

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gamerchick · 02/01/2014 15:02

Have them ready to leave so you don't have to let him in.

As long as there isn't a reason they don't want to go.

aaaaaaa · 02/01/2014 15:04

I already let him use my car so he can do more interesting stuff with them (although he usually doesn't. As far as i can tell he just uses it to do his weekly shopping)

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aaaaaaa · 02/01/2014 15:06

He doesn't give a reliable time that he is picking them up, so i never know when to have them ready for.

he usually comes in and gives them breakfast here, whilst i have a lie in

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FrogStarandRoses · 02/01/2014 15:08

Are they generally defiant/rebellious with you - for instance, if you are going shopping/leaving for school or ask them to pick up after themselves do they refuse/object and how do you deal with that?

I guess what I'm saying is that you may have reinforced your exs message to the DCs that going with him is optional. If you approach handovers with a matter of fact "right, time to go now", giving them the clear message that is what you expect, and it's non-negotiable (and there will be consequences for lack of compliance) then they will probably follow your lead and ignore any wooliness from their Dad.

And don't let him in!

CustardoPaidforIDSsYFronts · 02/01/2014 15:10

I agree - don't let him in - drop them off at agreed place and pick them up

FetchezLaVache · 02/01/2014 15:13

How old are your DCs? My DS (then 2.8) was a bit like that when we first split a year ago, no reason, just preferred being with me, but at that age he was possibly a bit unsure whether he'd ever see me again! I combined the breezily matter of fact approach with lots of reassurance and he's now mostly absolutely fine.

And definitely don't let him past the threshold! Cheeky sod, wanting feeding. He'll be bringing his washing round next!

CailinDana · 02/01/2014 15:15

Don't let him in. As soon as he arrives, coats on and out the door.

scallopsrgreat · 02/01/2014 15:18

I think boundaries are a key word here! He is massively overstepping yours.

He needs to commit to regular times (this will help the children too) and be more reliable - otherwise you can go and do something else.

As others have said, no coming over the threshold and no lending of your car.

Meerka · 02/01/2014 15:22

How old are you children? Kind of difficult this one, that they don't wnat to go to him. If they're under ten, I dunno, maybe someone wiser can advise. If they're over nine or ten (give or take, maybe depending on maturity) then I think that they are old enough to know their own minds and shouldn't have to go. But they should also be the ones to tell him.

However lovely a lie - in is, not sure that letting your ex make breakfast is good. And he's taking the piss by borrowing the car to do the shopping. "sorry but I need it next Sat"

FrogStarandRoses · 02/01/2014 15:25

he usually comes in and gives them breakfast here, whilst i have a lie in

sounds like you are sending both your ex and your DCs mixed messages! Sometimes (when you want a lie in) contact is in your home, but at other times (when you want space) you expect them to leave?

If you want time to yourself, insist on a regular contact schedule, have the DCs ready for pickup, and don't bail him out by lending your car - he can walk, use public transport etc.
You can lie in when the DCs are at their Dads overnight.

aaaaaaa · 02/01/2014 15:26

Ok, i need to not let him in. I kind of like that arrangement when it works, because he has to do the morning routine (he wont have them over night)

i suppose i feel like the reason they don't want to go with him, is because he is a bit crap. He is pretty boring with them most of the time. He clearly favours dd2 over dd1. He just never bothered to learn how to parent really and doesn't manage anything very well. He makes any conflict with them much harder than it needs to be. And he always blames me. Says i have spoilt them and that is why they wont do as he asks. For example he asks them if they want to go to his house. They say 'no'. Then that is the end of his effort. I am expected to step in and get them to conform. I just feel like he should be capable/willing to have that 'battle' himself. I have to negotiate/encourage by myself the rest of the week!

they are shes 8 and 3. They are kind of average in terms of behaviour i think.

he has always said i undermine him. But he was absent a lot (alcoholic) and i was parenting alone even when we were together. It was always really hard to incorporate him when his presence was so inconsistent

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Bloodyteenagers · 02/01/2014 15:28

How about you say to him, right he needs to be at your door at 10am. The dc's will be ready. You then open the door and say goodbye at the door. There is no reason for him to come in. If he isn't there at the allotted time this is his problem.

Also about the car, he is actually insured to drive it?

aaaaaaa · 02/01/2014 15:29

I know there needs to be a more set time...but i cant force him to give a time and then be here at that time

i think also i have liked to keep it flexible, because sometimes he doesn't show up at all (when he has been drinking)

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Lweji · 02/01/2014 15:29

If you don't have boundaries for your convenience, then you have to put up with the crap too.
I'd go for boundaries.

You can give him a window or time to pick them up, or forget about it.

No loaning car or whatever. He takes them or they stay.

You risk him not being in their lives, but that would be his loss. My experience with exH is that being strict works better.

aaaaaaa · 02/01/2014 15:32

frog i don't think its confusing...come in so i can have a lie in and then go away so i can have the day to myself. Its very consistent! But completely designed to give me the most out of the day!

i can see i will have to compromise this though. Its not working

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aaaaaaa · 02/01/2014 15:34

Yes, he is insured to drive my car teenagers

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scallopsrgreat · 02/01/2014 15:36

Well its up to him to stick to an agreed time. If he doesn't then you go and do something else with them. He'll get the message.

aaaaaaa · 02/01/2014 15:37

He has finally gone out. Taken dd2 and left dd1 here!!!

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hugoagogo · 02/01/2014 15:37

I felt it was horribly confusing when my dad used to come in the house when my parents split up ( I was 8) I thought it meant him and my dm were going to make up.

After a while they changed the arrangement, so that dad just picked us up and dropped us off and never came in. We knew where we stood then.

FrogStarandRoses · 02/01/2014 15:38

i don't think its confusing...come in so i can have a lie in and then go away so i can have the day to myself. Its very consistent! But completely designed to give me the most out of the day!

.......and the only beneficiary of this arrangement (that you expect your DCs and ex to go along with) is you!

CailinDana · 02/01/2014 15:39

He sounds properly crap, no wonder they don't want to go with him. Do you talk to them about his behaviour and favoritism?

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CailinDana · 02/01/2014 15:40

Why did he leave dd1 behind?

aaaaaaa · 02/01/2014 15:41

Yy frog, I'm not pretending otherwise! i have no other time to myself

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aaaaaaa · 02/01/2014 15:42

Thank hugo its interesting to hear, you were happier with dad not in the house. It probably is confusing isn't it

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