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Daughter in violent relationship-am i making it worse?

(95 Posts)
innermuddle Thu 02-Jan-14 12:22:57

To give a bit of background. My 20 year old daughter has an abusive boyfriend. He is older, has children, was in prison and is on methadone (every alarm bell is ringing of course!). They have been living together since they met, about 6 months ago. He has hit her several times now, always after drinking to excess. She doesn't want to leave him (yet?) but has left for short periods (less than 24hrs) after each time he hits her. She loves him, and minimises his behaviour each time (he didn't mean it, it was the drink, i made him do it and so on).
I want to to help her, but am not sure how, other than being here every time she needs us.
My question, for anyone with experience, is whether we have done the right thing.
We had not yet met him the first time we had a call to say she was at the police station after he beat her up in the street. After that, I said that I could not condone the relationship, and he was not welcome in our house until he could prove he had changed. But I loved her and wanted to be here for her. Since then, he has hit her at least once a fortnight, so obviously we have not let him come to the house or met him at all. WE stay in touch by phone and i pick her up to go out for lunch or she comes here
I havr not heard from her for 4 days now, because her phone is off. He keeps smashing her phone, which we replace so she has a way to be in touch. I think he is doing it to keep her away from us. My worry is that I am making this worse by not welcoming him to the family.
Should i welcome him to the family for her sake, or is it morally wrong to welcome an abusive bastard to the family in any circumstance? Would that be then condoning his abuse?
To give the full picture, i have younger children that i am trying to protect from this too. Any advice welcome!

innermuddle Fri 03-Jan-14 00:02:40

Random I think she or another witness has to give ev. She wont. I cant

bragmatic Fri 03-Jan-14 00:04:36

You could also suggest she posts here? There are women who have been through this. Good luck. X

forevermore Fri 03-Jan-14 00:43:39

Sorry this may be unhelpful and seem judgemental but honestly it's not meant to be . No man could do that to my daughter and I sit by and wait for what could end up with her death. I certainly wouldn't be replacing phones knowing it's because she has been beaten up with it or worse. He will continue as as far as I can tell you seem to be a soft touch as a family and he is not feeling threatened by you. People tend to do what they can get away with.......do everything you can possibly do (your daughters consent is neither here nor there as far as I'm concerned. She is your child first and foremost) Or you could lose your daughter forever.

nameequality Fri 03-Jan-14 01:03:34

Do you/does she know about Clare's Law?.

The problem with that as an approach is that it can lead to victim blaming if people can't/won't leave after disclosure of a previous DV event.

You can report to police and see if they will prioritise her address in the event she has to call the police. sad

Fennec Fri 03-Jan-14 01:12:10

My family knew what was happening, they even witnessed some incidents. They sat by and let it continue for nearly 7 years. I had a child and he'd even slammed her into the swinging chair once. I kept telling my family I'd leave soon but Inever did because I thought I loved him. He'd nearly killed me a couple of times. If my Mum hadn't finally bolshied her way in and removed me lock stock and barrel with my then newborn baby, I'd be dead by now I have no doubt.

Two women a week die by their violent partner. I re-iterate that murder isn't overdramatic, it's quite ordinary, and one simple slip of the vegetable knife in the kitchen during a row is all it could take to lose your daughter.

I apologise for the imagery. But this is the way of it.

I will know exactly what to do if this cycle is ever repeated with my own daughter. Mobile phones won't save her.

arsenaltilidie Fri 03-Jan-14 02:02:09

The softy approach doesnt work with his kind.
Do absolutely anything you can to physically remove her from the situation.
If it means refusing to leave his house without your daughter and putting yourself in danger then so be it.
At 20 she's still a child she needs your protection.

Don't you have male family members you can go with for safety, I find his kind are often scared of other men not intimidated by them.

neunundneunzigluftballons Fri 03-Jan-14 02:07:37

My family had this eventually his friends broke into my parents house under bf direction and stole a lot if items. My parents did not give a damn about the items but said scum of the earth was no longer to enter our lives and told sis the same. This went in for a few more years until sis saw her way out and moved on. It was awful but necessary.

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Fri 03-Jan-14 02:30:24

As you've already had most of the advice I have to offer I'd just like to give you an un mumsnetty hug and hope that you have brought your dd up to trust you and know that you're there no matter what, which it appears you have done.
Fwiw my own dd's bf isn't violent but there are certain things that just don't feel right iykwim and I've not judged but told her I will pick her up any time day or night or pay for a taxi if needs be.
We have a code word for voice calls, and one for texts, so if she calls and says 'just wanted to say goodnight mum' instead of 'night mum love you' I know something is wrong and drop everything to go get her.
Best thing about the code words is that they can be said calmly as if nothing is wrong.
She talks to me sometimes as I'm sure yours does and I have to bite my tongue as don't want to put her in the position of defending him to me and feeling like she can't discuss him with me. That's really hard as sometimes I want to shake her and tell her to LTB (such as when he had a whinge about her not texting him back but her phone battery had died, he then accused her of cheating on him angry )
Dd stands her ground though god help him if he even raises a hand to her. I'll snap it off and cram it up his bony ass.
Not helpful I know smile

Thinking of you thanks hope this gets sorted soon x

Dirtybadger Fri 03-Jan-14 02:42:28

As other people have already said; report this to the Police. You don't have to be the victim to report the crime.

It is not always in the best interest of a victim to wait until they are 'ready' to report DV. As Fennec has already said, women are frequently killed. Don't be a passive audience.

I hope your daughter finds the strength to leave! Support her all you can.

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Fri 03-Jan-14 02:49:56

Crap. Why do I read these things tired and on the frigging phone so half of it is unreadable?

I didn't read that he had actually hit her, sorry blush

Get her the hell out of there

If you're near me I have some rather large 'friends' who will help us carry your dd's belongings wink

ThatVikRinA22 Fri 03-Jan-14 03:28:47

have you encouraged her to speak to an agency such as womens aid? im a police officer and see so many domestics where the injured party wont leave or press charges.
without a victim willing to give evidence the majority of cases are dropped by the crown prosecution service.

you need to be there for her, you need to get her to speak to other agencies if she wont speak to police.

even if she doesnt want to press charges she can always still call police to stop what is happening there and then. Police can also remove him, or taxi her to your house.
i find it so frustrating dealing with domestic incidents where violence is common place but the victim wont help police - but its the nature of the beast sometimes and it takes a while for the scales to drop from their eyes....
sometimes it never happens.
you need to encourage her to speak to someone about what is going on - and no - i wouldnt let him cross the threshold. dont normalise his behaviour for her sake - she needs to realise that this isnt normal in a healthy relationship - you can send that message even if she doesnt act on it.
if you havent heard from her for 4 days i would go to hers and insist on seeing her.
if you cant get hold of her call police on 101. log it as a concern. a police officer will then go around to see her but they will have to say there has been a concern raised and they need to check on her. better that though than the thought of her not being able to reach you if she is in trouble.

MsAspreyDiamonds Fri 03-Jan-14 04:05:21
chubbycheeks01 Fri 03-Jan-14 04:28:39

Don't allow him in your house it lets him know that his behavior is not acceptable. He will do whatever it takes to try and keep you out of your daughters life because the more alone she feels the more likely she is to continue with the relationship. My parents found it difficult to watch the abuse and stopped seeing me...... They did not understand why I would stay....... And looking back now neither do I. These men have a way of making you feel like no one else would ever want you, like you are unable to do anything right, like it is your fault. I wish I could say there was some magic word that would make her snap out of it but there isn't. Being there for her will help and eventually she will reach her rock bottom and leave ...... Try and talk to her friends make sure she has people in her life who confirm that his behavior is NOT normal!!!!

Logg1e Fri 03-Jan-14 07:47:02

Posters who are advising that the OP not allow this situation, what do you advise that she actually do?

BelaLugosisShed Fri 03-Jan-14 07:53:50

If it was my daughter, lets just say his body would never be found, you have to help her before she becomes pregnant to this scum

Offred Fri 03-Jan-14 07:54:35

MARAC

It's an assessment the police do with victims of domestic violence to determine the level of risk their partner poses towards them. It can then be followed up if it is a high risk with multi agency support.

Logg1e Fri 03-Jan-14 08:47:43

Bela what do you suggest that the OP does? You can specify what you would do if you've got time to go in to more detail, but really what you advise people do if they don't have the capacity or desire to murder or maim?

I think we all fully understand the desire to wave a magic wand or go in with force, frighten the bully and rescue our child. But I don't think that's realistic. What if your child, a grown woman, refuses to leave or stay away from him and goes back to him?

Men in this situation gain more strength when families make the woman choose between them. Facilitating communication and escape routes (via mobile phones, escape funds, regular visits and code words) seem to me the most empowering best choice of a bad lot.

Damnautocorrect Fri 03-Jan-14 09:11:21

Keep the door open, don't 'go on'. She knows what she needs to do but is just waiting for her lightbulb moment and the fog to lift.
It sounds like you are doing brilliantly, I personally don't believe the heavy handed approach works but that's personal experience. It gives the abuser more ammunition to divide and conquer.

Yes to putting her in touch with agencies and the fund sounds brilliant. She'll get there xxxx

CrispyHedgeHogmanay Fri 03-Jan-14 09:21:47

Had this all through the summer with my 23yo dd.. she would come running here barefoot, covered in dog food and lord knows what else.. but she'd keep going back.

Eventually it all came to a head when he held her hostage for two weeks, barricaded the flat and beat her with a dog chain, stabbed her with screwdriver and stanley knife, beat the crap out of her etc. We went there with the police umpteen times - stood outside the house for 6-7 hours at a time pleading with him to let her out and her to come out, nothing. The police said there was nothing they could do unless she indicated that she wanted them to but she couldn't because he had a knife at her back when she spoke to them.

She finally got out - but she had to realise herself that it couldn't go on like it was. We now have an injunction against him and the police are prosecuting him.

I'm sorry for what you're going through op.. it's the worst feeling in the world flowers

mammadiggingdeep Fri 03-Jan-14 09:30:02

No experience of this but my heart goes out to you.

If it were my daughter I'd call the police... By hook or by crook if get her out of there.

mammadiggingdeep Fri 03-Jan-14 09:31:26

Crispy... The police didnt get her out??? Didn't they ask to speak to her on her own? Didn't they see any bruising/ wounds???

CrispyHedgeHogmanay Fri 03-Jan-14 09:39:15

No mamma, they said she had to ask them to.. and of course she wouldn't or couldn't. He would only let her talk to them through a tiny gap in the door which was barricaded with furniture.

I was there with his sister and my ds, even his sister was pleading with them to get her out because she was afraid he'd kill my dd.. even us telling them there were significant quantities of class a drugs had no effect.. they said we were just saying that to make them do something and they can't act on hearsay.. it was complete and utter madness sad

ExcuseTypos Fri 03-Jan-14 09:56:33

Crispy that is disgraceful.angry. Can you make a complaint, your poor dd should have been helped by the police.

OP I have a 20 year old dd, I'm afraid I would be round their with DH and a few friends and she would be brought home, whether she liked it or not.

ExcuseTypos Fri 03-Jan-14 09:56:56

There

mammadiggingdeep Fri 03-Jan-14 09:59:23

Crispy- that must have been a living nightmare. He could have bloody murdered her as you were stood outside. That's unbelievable. They're lucky you didn't take the law into your own hands. I think a lot of people would've done!
So glad she's away from him now xx

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