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Husband had emotional affair

(25 Posts)
Star85 Thu 02-Jan-14 10:52:11

I found out a few months ago my husband of 10 years was having an emotional affair, it had been going on for 7 months. I decided to leave him but he talked me round and made me promises that things would change and we would be happy. 2 months went by and nothing and I mean nothing ha changed we were arguing more than ever, he then went on a drinking bender and got in touch with her again. I'm so gutted, I've spent the last 5 days in my room only getting up to feed my children, he doesn't seem to realise what he has done, I asked him earlier for an explanation and he jus lies to me he also said he was drunk and I put the idea in his head!!!!!!! Unbelievable!! Not sure what to do, feel sooooo down!

I'm sorry what you are going through.
I have not had any experience in this but I wanted to encourage you try and get up to do things with the children. He made the bad choice not them so try and make things as normal as you can for their sake. I know it's a painful thing for anyone to find out you must be kind to your self not blame yourself. Can I ask how he knows the ow is through work or an on line things? Sending gentle hugs to you. XX

Star85 Thu 02-Jan-14 11:12:32

It's a woman he went to school with, he hadn't spoke to her for year then got back in touch on FB and it went from there, I knew early on there was something going on, he refused to stop talking to her, I even sent her a message asking her to stop talking to him but they both carried on!
I know I need to get up jus feel so miserable!! I'm jus so confused, don't know what's going on anymore, I have told him if he wants to be with her then I won't stop him but he says he doesn't, I just don't know how to fix this!

social media has changed alot of things when it comes to marraige.
I had to message someone once when I saw her say to him she 'missed speaking' with him. I wondered why he was constantly getting notifications and messages. we have slowly come away from it now but it takes time on both of your parts if you know you are meant to be together. He won't do counselling but deep down must have known he was in the wrong as not spoken to her again or replied despite her still being friends on social media. I understand why you are confused, you need to take each day as it comes, distract yourself for a bit doing things whilst it's the holidays. Are there any rl friends you can speak to or maybe get to babysit so you can spend some time talking in a calm environment with your dh?

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 02-Jan-14 11:23:15

'Deep down' he doesn't care if he's in the wrong or not. Very clear that the OP is upset by the friendship or whatever it is. Very selfish 'I'll do what I please' behaviour in return. Only way to deal with this kind of thing is to make the consequences painful enough to be taken seriously. And that's not hiding in bedrooms or asking for explanations ....

ah I knew one of the regular one's would be along soon!! thank you Cogito.

Star85 Thu 02-Jan-14 11:30:45

We are in a forces community so I don't tend to share my personal life with friends as they tell there husbands who then work with mine!!!!
I think I'm so down this time because I had the opportunity to leave before he he changed my mind to stay, I don't feel very strong anymore!!! I am usually a very strong individual but I feel like I've been broken down!!
How do u trust someone again after something like this?? I don't want to be a jealous wife, who constantly asks or checks there partners phone, FB email ect,

Star85 Thu 02-Jan-14 11:31:30

So what do u suggest???

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 02-Jan-14 12:01:10

I suggest an ultimatum. He drops contact and shifts heaven and earth to restore your trust in him or he goes. This is what some would call a 'deal-breaker' situation. No, you don't want to be the kind of person checking FB and twitching every time he gets a text. Place the onus firmly on him and be prepared to follow through. It's the only way you'll be taken seriously and, if he still prefers chatting to her, he's made his choice.

at Star that must be so frustrating for you. You will be able to trust people on here, I have lurked for a long time and there are some people with good advice and honest advice here. Keep talking on this thread, I suggest follow what cogito says everyone's relationship is different we have been able to slowly work through things after my dh's odd on line thing with persistence but sometimes like cogito says it has to be ultimatum and doing it a with completely different approach.

CarryOnDancing Thu 02-Jan-14 13:01:36

Firstly and most importantly you need to stop carrying this burden as your own. Saying you don't want to be the "jealous wife" is making out you are in control of the situation and are somehow failing to control it.

He is a cheat. You can't win with a cheat who is persistent in putting their feelings first. It sounds like he doesn't want the commitment of your relationship but it's easier to stay where he is and get his ego stroked by another woman.

You haven't made him cheat-he's a cheater. You haven't made him lie-he's a lier.
Please don't think that because he has such control over your feelings, that you have the same control over his actions. You are hurting because you care-he's hurting you because he doesn't.

You simply cannot move forward with this man and it's terrible that he's happy to continue to grind you down. If your self esteem and strength have decreased so far since last time, think where you will be in another month, 6 months, 5 years. You will be unrecognisable. Don't let him do this to you. Get angry, get mad, he is treating you with contempt and you don't deserve it!
I really hope you find some strength again soon-it's in there, it's just hidden!

Star85 Mon 03-Nov-14 11:22:33

Hi guys! So practically a year on and I am no happier!!!!!!
I got out of bed and tried to make a fight for my marriage......... I am now in Germany and do you know what????? I can't stand my husband!! Lol he's a horrible selfish pig and he doesn't deserve me or my children! He drinks evey other weekend and stays out ALL night! When he is home he jus lays on the sofa playing on his phone! I've basically just ignored him for weeks but this weekend I've had enough and I want better! I told him yesterday I want to go home and he asks why? After being out all night and not returning home to 3pm,,,,,,, do I really need to spell it out!! Lol I told him I don't want to be with him anymore, he immediately took the bank card off me Ha, control freak!! Then this morning he has got up, said he's made me a coffee, and do I need the bank card!!!! What a twat!! I can't wait to leave this horrible excuse for a man! Don't know why I'm writing IT here!!

bobs123 Mon 03-Nov-14 11:31:22

So what do you plan to do, or are you wanting affirmation on here that you should leave him?

You say you have dc. What will you do with them? Does he spend time with them?

Have you sat down with him and had a reasonable conversation with him re choices?

Oh - and purely out of nosiness, what happened to the emotional affair?

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 03-Nov-14 13:01:19

Back in January you sounded shocked, depressed, confused and were looking for fixes. You did that classic thing of trying to make the marriage work because you didn't feel strong, realised you'd missed opportunities, felt isolated and - even though you didn't say it - thought the alternatives would be worse. Trapped, essentially.

Ten months on I think the shock and depression has well and truly worn off, you're looking at the man with fresh eyes, you despise him, and the alternatives are starting to look a lot less daunting. That's why you're writing, I suspect. The cage door is open and you're looking for encouragement to walk through it.

What can you do to make your goal of leaving more likely to happen?

Star85 Mon 03-Nov-14 13:11:07

Bobs123 I will leave him but because of where we are and the fact there are 2 children involved its not as easy as packing a bag and jus going. The army will assist me but I'd rather not bring his work into it but if he continues to dig his heels in that is exactly what I will do. He is rubbish with the kids, he never spends time with them, he plays football after work and at weekends then says it's his chill time when he's lying on the couch......on his phone lol!! He even sleeps on the flipping couch!!!!! His idea of spending time with the kids is watching a movie........... One of HIS movies not a child's one. I'm not sure if he has continued his "relationship" with the other girl. To be honest I don't care anymore!
I am a model wife....... I take care of myself........... I keep a spotless house...... I'm a fab mum and he just brings us all down :-((
I'd preferably like to sit down like adults and come to a decision where we can part on good terms and possible remain friends but he's a short temper and gets very abusive and blames everyone else but him self!
I possibly am looking for a bit of encouragement!! I know what I need to do.......... But I'll take baby steps! The 1st step was telling him it's over............. The next is to follow through (the hard part)

bobs123 Mon 03-Nov-14 14:03:10

You'll get all the encouragement you need as long as it's your decision, and it sounds like you've made it. I ask about the kids as presumably if you are in Germany you will return to England. And I ask if you've had a reasonable conversation with him as that is important for you both before you move on...not exactly baby steps more like a massive one!!!

blames everyone else but himself - yes I had one like that and it's tricky choosing the right moment to talk.

ou appear to have the confidence to move on. If the army would assist you I should use it - all the help you can get. Just make sure you think things through - where you're going to live, finances etc

meditrina Mon 03-Nov-14 14:21:41

Just the logistics of moving on will be a little tricky, and may look impossibly daunting.

Could I suggest you get on to the Welfare Officer and SSAFA now and research your options? Finding out what you can do will make you realise you have various ways ahead, and this will strengthen you as you decide what needs to be done. And even if not religious, don't overlook the Padre as another source of support as the good ones also do a lot of welfare work.

AnyFawker Mon 03-Nov-14 14:25:08

This is the right decision. He sounds like a pig.

Gather your RL support, get all the practical advice from as many places as you can and start taking those steps today. God luck and keep posting if it helps you.

Mammanat222 Mon 03-Nov-14 14:47:59

You were ready to leave when you first found out? but he talked you round (I assume with promises to change, promises to stop all contact, promises to work on your relationship?) and he has broken all of these promises.

Quite frankly I don't see what your choices are here. He talked you round before and this time he is not even bothering to make you promises!

Sadly I think this is a lost cause and you need to think about leaving like you were going to a while back.

Mammanat222 Mon 03-Nov-14 14:49:31

Just read your update, God he sounds vile and yes I think leaving is the best option, I think you'll all be happier in the long term?

Joywillcome Mon 03-Nov-14 15:55:42

Well done you ....... an inspiration. x And he really does sound like a lazy sod - do you think your children will have anything constructive to miss about him. xx

GelfBride Mon 03-Nov-14 16:18:32

Don't tell him it's over. He knows that! Take the bank card he has offered back and make all the arrangements yourself and do it yourself. Don't have any more discussions with him, he checked out yonks ago!

Star85 Mon 03-Nov-14 18:26:03

He's wired to the moon I swear to god!!! He's walking about this house "trying" to make small talk with me. As if what I said yesterday never even happened!!!
I will make an app to see our welfare team here this week so what my options are.
My brother has offered to buy my flights home!!! He hates my husband �� and as much as I'd love to jus disappear on a plane it's not practical and I wouldn't leave him with my pets!!!!! The cat and dog mean more than he does!!!!
@joywillcome lazy is an understatement he is IDLE �� weird thing is he is an amazing soldier!! Can't have it all ways I suppose!
I am what's called a trophy wife to him!!!!! I look good on his arm.... And that's it!!! His wee family looks good for his job! That is the only reason he hasn't walked!!! Gosh I can't stand him. Crazy how someone you once would have bent over backwards for and respected so much can change!
He's currently in playing xbox with my older child and acting like he is interested in him and what he has done all day............ HE NEVER DOES THIS!
We get one shot at life....... And I feel it's passing by a bit too quickly for my liking, I don't want to get to an old lady and regret staying with him, feeling miserable, unappreciated. I want to be happy �� I want my kids to be happy �� nothing more.....nothing less xxx

bobs123 Mon 03-Nov-14 22:13:02

Good for you...let us know the outcome flowers

Bidingmytime07 Mon 03-Nov-14 23:02:18

You are so doing the right thing! I'm sure it will be tough at first, practically, but you know that it's a short term thing, the final path on the way to a better life. The alternative is years and years of misery and bitterness stretching ahead for the rest of your life.

You only have one life. Don't waste it on that loser. You're worth so much more than that, and your kids deserve to have a happy life too.

Go for it!!

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