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Husband had emotional affair

(11 Posts)
Star85 Thu 02-Jan-14 10:52:11

I found out a few months ago my husband of 10 years was having an emotional affair, it had been going on for 7 months. I decided to leave him but he talked me round and made me promises that things would change and we would be happy. 2 months went by and nothing and I mean nothing ha changed we were arguing more than ever, he then went on a drinking bender and got in touch with her again. I'm so gutted, I've spent the last 5 days in my room only getting up to feed my children, he doesn't seem to realise what he has done, I asked him earlier for an explanation and he jus lies to me he also said he was drunk and I put the idea in his head!!!!!!! Unbelievable!! Not sure what to do, feel sooooo down!

I'm sorry what you are going through.
I have not had any experience in this but I wanted to encourage you try and get up to do things with the children. He made the bad choice not them so try and make things as normal as you can for their sake. I know it's a painful thing for anyone to find out you must be kind to your self not blame yourself. Can I ask how he knows the ow is through work or an on line things? Sending gentle hugs to you. XX

Star85 Thu 02-Jan-14 11:12:32

It's a woman he went to school with, he hadn't spoke to her for year then got back in touch on FB and it went from there, I knew early on there was something going on, he refused to stop talking to her, I even sent her a message asking her to stop talking to him but they both carried on!
I know I need to get up jus feel so miserable!! I'm jus so confused, don't know what's going on anymore, I have told him if he wants to be with her then I won't stop him but he says he doesn't, I just don't know how to fix this!

social media has changed alot of things when it comes to marraige.
I had to message someone once when I saw her say to him she 'missed speaking' with him. I wondered why he was constantly getting notifications and messages. we have slowly come away from it now but it takes time on both of your parts if you know you are meant to be together. He won't do counselling but deep down must have known he was in the wrong as not spoken to her again or replied despite her still being friends on social media. I understand why you are confused, you need to take each day as it comes, distract yourself for a bit doing things whilst it's the holidays. Are there any rl friends you can speak to or maybe get to babysit so you can spend some time talking in a calm environment with your dh?

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 02-Jan-14 11:23:15

'Deep down' he doesn't care if he's in the wrong or not. Very clear that the OP is upset by the friendship or whatever it is. Very selfish 'I'll do what I please' behaviour in return. Only way to deal with this kind of thing is to make the consequences painful enough to be taken seriously. And that's not hiding in bedrooms or asking for explanations ....

ah I knew one of the regular one's would be along soon!! thank you Cogito.

Star85 Thu 02-Jan-14 11:30:45

We are in a forces community so I don't tend to share my personal life with friends as they tell there husbands who then work with mine!!!!
I think I'm so down this time because I had the opportunity to leave before he he changed my mind to stay, I don't feel very strong anymore!!! I am usually a very strong individual but I feel like I've been broken down!!
How do u trust someone again after something like this?? I don't want to be a jealous wife, who constantly asks or checks there partners phone, FB email ect,

Star85 Thu 02-Jan-14 11:31:30

So what do u suggest???

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 02-Jan-14 12:01:10

I suggest an ultimatum. He drops contact and shifts heaven and earth to restore your trust in him or he goes. This is what some would call a 'deal-breaker' situation. No, you don't want to be the kind of person checking FB and twitching every time he gets a text. Place the onus firmly on him and be prepared to follow through. It's the only way you'll be taken seriously and, if he still prefers chatting to her, he's made his choice.

at Star that must be so frustrating for you. You will be able to trust people on here, I have lurked for a long time and there are some people with good advice and honest advice here. Keep talking on this thread, I suggest follow what cogito says everyone's relationship is different we have been able to slowly work through things after my dh's odd on line thing with persistence but sometimes like cogito says it has to be ultimatum and doing it a with completely different approach.

CarryOnDancing Thu 02-Jan-14 13:01:36

Firstly and most importantly you need to stop carrying this burden as your own. Saying you don't want to be the "jealous wife" is making out you are in control of the situation and are somehow failing to control it.

He is a cheat. You can't win with a cheat who is persistent in putting their feelings first. It sounds like he doesn't want the commitment of your relationship but it's easier to stay where he is and get his ego stroked by another woman.

You haven't made him cheat-he's a cheater. You haven't made him lie-he's a lier.
Please don't think that because he has such control over your feelings, that you have the same control over his actions. You are hurting because you care-he's hurting you because he doesn't.

You simply cannot move forward with this man and it's terrible that he's happy to continue to grind you down. If your self esteem and strength have decreased so far since last time, think where you will be in another month, 6 months, 5 years. You will be unrecognisable. Don't let him do this to you. Get angry, get mad, he is treating you with contempt and you don't deserve it!
I really hope you find some strength again soon-it's in there, it's just hidden!

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