I just feel like I am in the wrong life. I am 41 and have no direction. No idea of what I want to do and I keep changing my mind. My story/dilemma is so bloody messy and long I have been struggling for weeks what to write in a post.
Married 12 years. Together 19 years. 12 and 15yo DC.
I am sure my marriage is pretty much over. He cheated pretty extensively (discovered this 7years ago) with internet hook ups and shagging. It went on for at least 4 years, so he had plenty of time to wake up and smell the coffee but just kept going back on these sites and meeting up with more and more women until he got caught.
A horrendous few months followed but we decided to get back on track. Its never been the same for me since. Infact my feelings about sex have plummeted. There was a brief period when once he was STI tested (clean) it was good. Slowly it ebbed away and now cannot recall the last time we had sex. The actual thought of sex makes me recoil now and this is down to his repeated cheating and use of porn (which I used to not mind too much - most bloke use porn from time to time) but it was when he started staying up late again and I just knew he was using it constantly - but then the sex had dried up so that was his release.
I have no real evidence to suggest he has gone back to his shagging meet ups again but the trust has gone and there have been odd things that have made me wonder and if I am honest, I do suspect he has done this at various times since our reconcilliation.
So there we are. I am currently a student trying to get some self esteem and confidence in order to get back out to the work place. H was in the army until recently and all our married life we moved house every 2 years or so and DC1 had medical issues until age 10 and until that time needed several hospital appointments/visits a week, so I never went back to work. I am wholly 100% financially dependent on H.
Day to day we get on OK. Real life is busy and I now have a lot on out of the home. I do voluntary work and belong to a few clubs all in order to regain self confidence and fill out my CV as I look for a job.
For the past few years we have just been rubbing along day to day. Making no plans for our future, even holidays, decorating anything. He has no friends and prefers to stay in with the curtains closed and play computer games when not at work. He actually has a pretty good intelligent job but you would not think it by his hermit tendancies. I on the other hand have a circle of female friends (none know the truth of m marriage though as I am too ashamed and because having only moved here 2 years ago - I am still building friendships iykwim). If we just take each day as it comes life is pretty good but I am becoming increasingly aware the future is bleak.
I am terrifed if I look even a few months down the line. I sort of know this isnt making me happy in the long run and I am not fulfilled. But despite everything I still feel something for H. Do I still love him?? I actually have no idea. I know when I have seen him upset (his brother has been very very seriously ill) my heart goes out to him and I feel sad too, for him. I still care. Maybe I love him like a close friend?? I just dont know.
I am so confused as to what to do. Do I stay and be happy day to day as I have been the past few years. Or do I leave and upset my DC, risk making a mistake and wish I was back here? Do I really want out? Am I being greedy and wanting too much?? Why have I spent the last few years unable to make the changes I need to in order to get out if thats what I want?? Why does everyone else manage to find the balls to restart? leave? deal with their issues whilsy I and even we cant and dont ever sort out this sorry state.
I feel so pathetic.
This is so long already but there is loads I have no included. I just dont know what I want or what to do or how to do it and I have just realised I have been feeling like this for atleast 5 years. Please be gentle its taken alot for me to post this.
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Relationships
Just dont know what I want anymore and why I wont just sort this mess out
14 replies
DullDullard · 02/01/2014 03:18
OP posts:
KepekCrumbs ·
03/01/2014 05:01
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