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Just dont know what I want anymore and why I wont just sort this mess out

(15 Posts)
DullDullard Thu 02-Jan-14 03:18:34

I just feel like I am in the wrong life. I am 41 and have no direction. No idea of what I want to do and I keep changing my mind. My story/dilemma is so bloody messy and long I have been struggling for weeks what to write in a post.

Married 12 years. Together 19 years. 12 and 15yo DC.

I am sure my marriage is pretty much over. He cheated pretty extensively (discovered this 7years ago) with internet hook ups and shagging. It went on for at least 4 years, so he had plenty of time to wake up and smell the coffee but just kept going back on these sites and meeting up with more and more women until he got caught. sad

A horrendous few months followed but we decided to get back on track. Its never been the same for me since. Infact my feelings about sex have plummeted. There was a brief period when once he was STI tested (clean) it was good. Slowly it ebbed away and now cannot recall the last time we had sex. The actual thought of sex makes me recoil now and this is down to his repeated cheating and use of porn (which I used to not mind too much - most bloke use porn from time to time) but it was when he started staying up late again and I just knew he was using it constantly - but then the sex had dried up so that was his release.

I have no real evidence to suggest he has gone back to his shagging meet ups again but the trust has gone and there have been odd things that have made me wonder and if I am honest, I do suspect he has done this at various times since our reconcilliation.

So there we are. I am currently a student trying to get some self esteem and confidence in order to get back out to the work place. H was in the army until recently and all our married life we moved house every 2 years or so and DC1 had medical issues until age 10 and until that time needed several hospital appointments/visits a week, so I never went back to work. I am wholly 100% financially dependent on H.

Day to day we get on OK. Real life is busy and I now have a lot on out of the home. I do voluntary work and belong to a few clubs all in order to regain self confidence and fill out my CV as I look for a job.

For the past few years we have just been rubbing along day to day. Making no plans for our future, even holidays, decorating anything. He has no friends and prefers to stay in with the curtains closed and play computer games when not at work. He actually has a pretty good intelligent job but you would not think it by his hermit tendancies. I on the other hand have a circle of female friends (none know the truth of m marriage though as I am too ashamed and because having only moved here 2 years ago - I am still building friendships iykwim). If we just take each day as it comes life is pretty good but I am becoming increasingly aware the future is bleak.

I am terrifed if I look even a few months down the line. I sort of know this isnt making me happy in the long run and I am not fulfilled. But despite everything I still feel something for H. Do I still love him?? I actually have no idea. I know when I have seen him upset (his brother has been very very seriously ill) my heart goes out to him and I feel sad too, for him. I still care. Maybe I love him like a close friend?? I just dont know.

I am so confused as to what to do. Do I stay and be happy day to day as I have been the past few years. Or do I leave and upset my DC, risk making a mistake and wish I was back here? Do I really want out? Am I being greedy and wanting too much?? Why have I spent the last few years unable to make the changes I need to in order to get out if thats what I want?? Why does everyone else manage to find the balls to restart? leave? deal with their issues whilsy I and even we cant and dont ever sort out this sorry state.

I feel so pathetic.

This is so long already but there is loads I have no included. I just dont know what I want or what to do or how to do it and I have just realised I have been feeling like this for atleast 5 years. Please be gentle its taken alot for me to post this.

Lairyfights Thu 02-Jan-14 03:36:20

Didn't want to read and run. I don't know if any advice will help, but know I'm out there reading your posts and hoping you are ok!

As an outsider it sounds like your marriage is over, you say you don't know if you love him. That speaks volumes, if you did love him - you'd know.

You need to leave him, you deserve to be happy and this relationship is not helping you. It will be hard, and I have no real advice on the logistics of leaving or what you would have to do - but you really must break out of this cycle and make steps to create a better life for yourself and your DC.

Good luck

NickyEds Thu 02-Jan-14 03:54:37

sound terrible- my heart goes out to you. It must be hard after such a long time. I might be wrong but it sounds a bit like you know what you want/need to do but need some support to do it. No one can tell you that everything will be great whichever way you go so the question is, can you carry on like this?

SantasPelvicFloor Thu 02-Jan-14 04:26:42

You've done so many positive things! I think you sound amazing in your insight into your own situation and trying to establish a different hope and future.

I've been in that limbo before divorce when the inertia to do anything is high. You're weighing up the stability of a long marriage, the inevitable feelings you have for someone you've spent a big part of your life with and the impact of a split on your DC. The sympathy you feel for your husband regarding his brother is not a reason to stay in marriage. Divorce is a horrible time but tbh the marriage you describe is also horrible.

Can you imagine a time when you will ever trust him again? Ever feel intimate? Can you imagine a time post divorce when the weight of the marriage is off your shoulders and you wake up to a day on your own but happy?

I can't tell you what to do but I can tell you I've never once regretted divorcing. I spent many more than 5 yrs in a similar state of mind to you. After my divorce my then older teenagers told me they wished I'd done it sooner. Growing up in a house without intimacy and love where you 'rub along' impacts on DC. I now have a good relationship with exH. Not close but reconciled and both happy in our new lives. I think both of us regret the marriage not lasting but we don't regret divorcing either because we couldn't make the marriage work. My life was difficult going through the divorce, finding financial security, experiencing a backlash from ExH and sadness/grief over the loss of my marriage. But I'm through that and do have hope for the future.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 02-Jan-14 08:37:41

No-one can tell you to leave or stay really. That's a personal decision. What I would say to you, however, is that life is too short to waste it settling for disrespect, low self-esteem and dissatisfaction. It's not greedy to want the basics.... respect, love, trust etc... or asking too much. It's also normal to still care about someone you have a lot of history with. Doesn't mean they are necessarily part of your future.

What seems to be preventing you from making a conscious choice either way at the moment is 'fear' and I suspect that's because your confidence is low and you're assuming a lot of worst case scenarios rather than operating from a position of information. That you're keeping your feelings so secret also says 'fear'. You mention 'shame' but it's also as if admitting your unhappiness sets up an obligation to do something about it.

I'd suggest you consider talking to Relate independently. Personal counselling might give you the opportunity to express yourself honestly for the first time. I think you'd find that liberating and a stepping stone to asserting yourself.

desperatelyseekingsolace Thu 02-Jan-14 08:42:51

just wanted to add my support. I'm in a somewhat similar situation and I feel your pain. Making the decision to make the break (or not) is agony and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I have to say, though, that from what you have told me, yes, your marriage is over. My "D"H has done similar but, to my knowledge, nowhere near as bad as this (no evidence of actual shagging and over a much shorter period). I think if my H's infidelity were as advanced as yours I would have thrown in the towel some time ago.

I realise that may not be helpful. I would second what Cogito said about seeking counselling. I'm also considering this. Good luck with whatever you decide, you won't be alone.

SantasPelvicFloor Thu 02-Jan-14 09:39:05

I think the secrecy is also significant. I hid a lot as well (or thought I did). People do know all is not well, particularly children.

Telling people is like a mirror on the relationship and then confronted with what you see...frightened it might force your hand?

mammadiggingdeep Thu 02-Jan-14 09:44:55

Yes, telling people is a first step.
So many people said to me 'I've been waiting for you to tell me this....'

You sound brilliant...joining clubs and studying for a career. I think if you decide to leave him you'll be fine.

Have you got somebody in real life you would talk this through with?

DullDullard Thu 02-Jan-14 21:06:19

Thank you for being so kind in your replies. I was half expecting people to tell me to stop being pathetic and get a grip.

Its so reassuring to know some of you kind of understand the circle I keep going a round in because I really do feel like I am the only person in the world with such a mess.

For a married woman with 2 DC I sometimes feel so lonely. We do nothing together. The little social life I have is all of my own making. It gets embarrassing that sometimes a friend will invite us as couple to do something but my husband will never ever go or get involved. I have noticed that after being here for just over 2 years although my social life is OK for doing things with other women, I no longer get any invites to couples stuff like BBQs, dinners, drinks down the local with other halves because they know I always come alone.

We rarely sleep together (as in the same bed at the same time). DH falls asleep pretty much after our evening meal. I go upto bed anywhere bewteen 11 and midnight and leave him snoring on the sofa. Tbh I love having the bed to myself and he has always snored horrendously. I do find myself getting pissed off on the rare occassion he comes to bed when I am in there. Thats not right is it? So after sleeping from 7pm to the early hours he wakes and then does god knows what on the internet all night long pr playing Xbox/PS games.

Infact his whole lifestyle is up shit creek. He sleeps so much during the day and is up all night. He copes with this during the working week as described above. Weekends are a nightmare. He is up for a few hours in the morning then crashes out on the sofa all afternoon and into the evening. Even the kids comment/joke about this.

Sorry if I am boring you all. Its all slowly coming out now. Anyway DD2 has just come in the room asking to watch Benidorm with me (I did promise to with doritos and dips earlier as we are still troughing out way through the xmas left over food), so I am off for now.

Thanks for listening/ready.

SantasPelvicFloor Thu 02-Jan-14 21:37:49

I was very lonely when married but not when single.
I felt dishonest and untrue to myself.
Life was hard juggling children, job and the stress of trying to placate a husband. Nothing I did was enough. Those eggshells covered every part of my existence

I divorced. It's all ok now

Wherediparkmybroom Thu 02-Jan-14 21:44:37

Won't read and run, but can you not talk to him? He may feel isolated too.

NickyEds Fri 03-Jan-14 04:39:35

You said that it's all started to "come out"- maybe for now you just let it?? If this has taken so long to get tied up in knots perhaps you just need to take things in your own time- You don't have to make any huge decisions right away.

KepekCrumbs Fri 03-Jan-14 05:01:47

One of the strongest feelings I felt during the final years of my failing marriage was absolute loneliness. It was much worse than any alone-ness I felt after we finally split up.

I think you have to ship out to have a chance of being happy again. He may become a better dad as a result. In the longer term, you will probably all be happier.

MsAspreyDiamonds Fri 03-Jan-14 05:27:03

I feel for you, there is nothing more ironic than being in a lonely marriage. One thing that strikes me about your situation is that both of you are like ships passing in the night & as you have spent so much time 'emotionally apart' you no longer know how to reconnect.

Another thing that strikes me is his constant need for sleep, which may mean he is suffering from depression or an underlying health condition like diabetes. I am not suggesting that he has diabetes but his need for sleep all the times points to a medical or mental health red flag. He seems very disconnected from you and
your family life, so it might make sense for him to seek medical help. His previous job in the army might be key to explaining his behaviour. Was he posted to any overseas dangerzones?

If you are unsure if to split permanantly, would you consider a trial separation? It might buy you some time and space in which to think clearly, you are not able to do this currently while you are living together.Put a time limit on it so at the end of the agreed time, you both decide whether to end it or not.I think that you would benefit from some counselling whether it's joint or just you on your own.

It is good that you are building a separate social life
and you are putting together a plan for a career.
But it is very clear that you can't go on living in marital limbo for much longer. I hope the New Year brings you good luck, health & happiness.

Roshbegosh Fri 03-Jan-14 05:38:36

Make a plan OP.
41 is so young. You have so much to look forward to if you take charge.
Good luck.

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