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How can I stay best friends with my ex when I still fancy the pants off him?

(76 Posts)
Dorsyporsy Thu 02-Jan-14 01:36:03

I'm all in a spin. Can't get my silly head round this at all. I desperately want to keep my ex as a friend as we are very close but I can't bear to hear him talk about his latest date. I'm as jealous as hell but he means so much to me that I don't want to go NC. But maybe I have to? I would miss him hugely. I can't think which option would be worse.

I met ex a year ago. I helped him through a really difficult time - basically I was his rebound after his divorce. I knew from the word go that he was totally unsuitable as he was still broken hearted and floundering about his marriage break up plus he has a very dodgy, unstable past. We were like chalk and cheese. I was the strong sensible one dishing out advice and reassuring him and he was all over me like a rash, completely infatuated - typical rebound. I never felt we were properly matched or that it would go anywhere. Gradually I came to have feelings for him though - maybe I loved him and the sexual chemistry was strong for both of us. But I knew deep down that he was not a longterm option. I thought he would be a lovely fling and we would both move on after the fun stopped.

After 6 months I called time and we agreed to stay friends. As you do. But, here's where we went wrong, we kept in daily contact - lots of texts, saw each other nearly every day and very occasionally ended up in bed together - totally mutual. He did stuff round the house for me and in return I did his washing. A whole lot more than just friends I'd say. He told me that I was his best friend, that he could trust me with anything - and boy has he told me some really big secrets - and that he never ever wanted to lose me. I told him that he needed to get out and date people as I knew our situation was too cosy and was not helping either of us. He agreed and has never led me on in any way. It's my own stupid fault.

So now he's gone and taken my advice and I feel utterly broken hearted. How fucking ridiculous of me. But I'm so jealous. It hurts worse than a wet tea towel on the back of the legs. He's met someone and I can't bear to hear a word about it. He's stayed overnight with her. I feel sick just typing that.

He's been round tonight to explain and ask if we can still be friends. He says he loves me and doesn't want to lose me but he needs to date again and whilst I understand and actually think he's right I just don't know how I can get past my jealousy. I feel like I've been kicked in the chest. Actual physical pain. It's totally ridiculous. He truly is one of my best friends - I'm probably his only friend. I can't bear to lose him. If I really was his friend then surely I'd be pleased that he is making progress and finding happiness again?

Jaffacakesallround Fri 03-Jan-14 12:13:12

IME no you can't be friends. Not yet anyway and maybe never.

It may be possible years down the line when you have another partner. But now- no. You said you love him and fancy him so any contact is just putting yourself through torture.

Either end it 100% or continue the relationship- he's hardly 'with' someone after such a short time. And if you decide to go NC then tell him and do not return any calls/messages.

Dorsyporsy Fri 03-Jan-14 12:08:48

Anyway, it's all academic because he's with someone else now and I encouraged him to do that. The original question was whether I should try to remain a friend.

My plan is to go no contact but I am very weak willed and will be bloody amazed if I manage it.

The danger point will be if or when his new relationship folds. I think it will as it's long distance and won't be enough for him as he likes lots of attention - see, I'm not stupid! If I'm not sorted by then then I could have serious relapse.

HandragsNGladbags Fri 03-Jan-14 11:39:00

smile Turnip

TurnipCake Fri 03-Jan-14 11:30:11

Yes, it's awful when people suffer from high self-esteem.

Jaffacakesallround Fri 03-Jan-14 11:25:48

Of course it's up to her and yes experiences are helpful. But it makes me shudder a bit when people say how great they are at making the right choices- it comes over as smug and lacking empathy. That's all.

HandragsNGladbags Fri 03-Jan-14 11:12:56

No Jaffa I am sharing my experiences of people. Surely this is the point of people asking for advice on forums?

It's up to the OP what she does of course, I am giving her my feelings on the matter. Of course neither of us knows the exact situation or the people concerned, so neither of us can do anything but offer our opinion.

It happens our opinion differs <shrug>. No need to get shirty.

Anyway OP - I hope you find your happy ending, whatever you decide to do.

Jaffacakesallround Fri 03-Jan-14 11:08:07

How nice for you Handrags. Oh if we all had your insight and common sense. And a sense of modesty too.

I think it's a bit rich to call someone you have never met a liar.

The other side of the coin is he's a reformed character- off drugs, steady job, making amends with his children.

Forgiveness is a quality worth having too.

HandragsNGladbags Fri 03-Jan-14 10:54:15

Not perfect but I can usually spot a liar fairly quickly. I would put money on this guy being a bullshitter.

The OP has said herself she has some serious red flags and yet you are telling her to ignore them?!

secretsofsanta Fri 03-Jan-14 10:52:04

I think you just need to tell him and live happily ever after<hopeless romantic>

Jaffacakesallround Fri 03-Jan-14 10:50:29

How lovely to be as assured and perfect as you then Handbags.

Nerfmother Fri 03-Jan-14 10:50:20

never allows anyone to get close to him? Erm, two women felt close enough to marry him! I think its all been quite draining/exciting etc and that 'special' feeling is hard to get rid off.
Take away the being in a movie feeling and you've got ; bloke with a full on past who you love - either ask if he wants to make a go of it or go NC.
BTW not unsympathetic - had my own version of this in my twenties.

HandragsNGladbags Fri 03-Jan-14 10:46:10

Yes I am cynical. It's served me well. I have a lovely DH who I have always believed entirely and have been right to do so.

I kicked the EA's to the curb fairly quickly.

I agree - sensible and realistic. Tell him not to contact you and block his number.

Roussette Fri 03-Jan-14 10:45:28

I think you are trying to "repair" him. The bad boy thing is quite powerful and he is certainly one. I would just say... he may well be more manipulative than you realise. Manipulative is a strong word but I can't think of another one.

To be honest, I can't imagine how you are going to keep away... no offence OP but I read the words you write but deep down I don't think you will be able to enforce NC. Just try and protect yourself with whatever you do.

Dorsyporsy Fri 03-Jan-14 10:45:24

I do feel confused and mixed up. Torn in two actually.
I do love him but I find it hard to reconcile his past with who he says he is now. Can people really change that much? I defy anyone not to feel wary if someone reveals that they had years of serious criminal behaviour but are now reformed.

Lizzabadger Fri 03-Jan-14 10:37:44

Stay away.

Dorsyporsy Fri 03-Jan-14 10:37:16

Jaffa - "harsh and unforgiving"? I had nothing to forgive him for. I'm being harsh to protect myself. But I would say sensible and realistic.

Jaffacakesallround Fri 03-Jan-14 10:34:30

you sound very mixed up.

You profess to love him yet are very judgemental of his life.
The 2 are not compatible.

As for feeding the lines to other women- the only word that comes to mind is cynical.

Dorsyporsy Fri 03-Jan-14 10:32:32

Actually, in his rather weak defence he is trying to repair the relationships with his children and that has been fairly successful. However, it doesn't excuse the way he treated them when he walked out in the first place. Two of the children refuse to speak to him but the others have a good relationship with him although not close.

But that's all irrelevant now as I'm officially nc!
Shall I tell him not to contact me or just leave it now and hope he gets the message?

Dorsyporsy Fri 03-Jan-14 10:27:59

I'm sure the exes and children he has walked out on felt like the exception at some point too.

Absolute spot on I would say.

HandragsNGladbags Fri 03-Jan-14 10:27:07

All these people saying she should give him a chance - can you not see he sounds like he spins this "you're the first person I have ever opened up to" line every time?

Because he went from never telling anyone anything, even his ex wives, to opening up to the OP virtually immediately. IMO he is talking bollocks.

And the 7 kids he has treated badly - that alone would stop me wanting to give him another chance. It doesn't sound as though he is trying to repair those relationships does it?

Keep well away OP

Jaffacakesallround Fri 03-Jan-14 10:22:17

You're mad. sorry. If the choice is torturous nc or giving it a chance it's a no brainer.

Actually in his shoes I'd not want a relationship with you because you sound harsh and unforgiving.

Maybe one 'deal' to make with him is he seeks therapy of some kind for his deamons if you are to have a meaningful relationship.

TurnipCake Fri 03-Jan-14 10:19:42

He's pissed a lot of people off over the years and never allows anyone to get close to him - I am the exception apparently.

This is a line to charm if I ever heard one. I'm sure the exes and children he has walked out on felt like the exception at some point too.

You're the fallback option. Get thee over to Baggage Reclaim and you'll see him in many of the posts.

HandragsNGladbags Fri 03-Jan-14 10:19:36

I wouldn't believe you are the first person he has told about all these things in his past if they are true

I think he sounds a player and you are absolutely making the best decision. Stick to your guns!

Dorsyporsy Fri 03-Jan-14 10:17:48

I could have coped with just the drugs and his subsequent very successful recovery but I could never get my head round the other criminal stuff. He wasn't a drug dealer btw. Although he was sometimes paid for "work" in drugs.

I defy anyone to not have a few qualms about getting involved with someone who has got such a shocking past and who has not yet got to grips with it all himself. He is still grappling with lots of these issues. That's how we got so close. I didn't reject him although he thought I would. I said yes, we can still be friends. But it turns out we can't because we have feelings for each other.

I miss him already. The nc thing is torturous and it hasn't even started.

Geckos48 Fri 03-Jan-14 10:12:45

It doesn't sound to me like you have ever given him a chance.

I am the most committed and down to earth mum around but 8 years ago I was living very, very differently.

I would hate for people to treat me differently because I loved cocaine and LSD, honestly that would just be ignoring all the things I have done in my life beyond that.

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