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Deep breath-I need to make some changes

(30 Posts)
AYearOfChange Wed 01-Jan-14 18:47:03

Sorry if this in in the wrong section, I know there are lots of new year new you type threads in S and B, but this seemed like a better place.

I don't like myself, and I want to have a thread I can keep a bit of a record of the changes I'd like to make over the year, some personal, some around my relationship with DH, some professional. I won't update every five minutes, but I need to be in a better place by this time year, and some support and advice on how to do that would be great.

I know what I should be doing to be fit, healthy and at the top of my game, but I don't think I value myself enough to do it. Self-sabotage seems to be a specialism of mine. I'm between two and three stone overweight, and have only had sex twice in the last year. I have a cupboard full of vitamins and exercise DVDs, a lovely and supportive DH and I just keep eating toast and being a bitch to DH. My skin is shit (I came off the pill a while back as I thought it might be having an impact on my sex drive but no-still not interested in sex and now I have hormonal acne again). The idea of phoning the doctor to get a new prescription seems impossible. Typing this I'm realising I sound depressed, but I don't think I can be: I have a truly lovely DH, a gorgeous and funny toddler, wonderful friends who I see fairly often, I work full time and love my job, and I'm pretty good at it. I just feel fucking shit a lot of the time, and don't like myself. A family member had depression and couldn't get out of bed to shower, so I don't think that can be it-I function but I don't feel like I'm living, just existing, and that needs to change.

This time next year I'd like to be:
more confident
at a weight that's healthy for me

Do you think these are achievable aims? How can I stay motivated to effect and maintain changes?

AYearOfChange Wed 01-Jan-14 18:49:26

I'll keep this name change for this thread, it's very personal and I'd rather keep it separate.

I'm crying. I think I need to see someone, don't I?

TwoTeaTessie Wed 01-Jan-14 18:51:47

I think you can do it, but you need to break it down into achievable short term goals.

So this week might be to phone the Dr's.

Mine is to do a load of washing a day instead of having a washing mountain at the weekend. so far so good and I feel like I've accomplished something.

good luck x

SunshineOnACrappyDay Wed 01-Jan-14 18:53:48


I just feel fucking shit a lot of the time, and don't like myself

Depression can feel exactly like 'just existing' and feeling like fucking shit. I can 'function' to a degree when I have depression, but it feels as if all the joy has gone despite all the positives I might have in my life at the time (you mentioned your job, your DH, friends and DC). It's a spectrum of experience, and severe depression might mean e.g. not getting out of bed.

I think it might be worth chatting to your GP about how you feel. This link might be useful.

I think your aims all sound achievable. But I would strongly suggest chatting to your GP first.

Good luck OP, wishing you a happier year. flowers

SunshineOnACrappyDay Wed 01-Jan-14 18:54:23

Cross posted OP. Yes I do. Big hugs x

AYearOfChange Wed 01-Jan-14 19:09:38

Thank you, and thanks for the link-a few other things ringing bells there (am permanently knackered, headachey and waking several times a night even when the toddler stays asleep), and I'm tense and very irritable a lot of the time.

I think a doctor's appointment is first on my list, then I can start making some small changes in the right direction., will give them a call tomorrow morning and see how I go.

tearoomtrash Wed 01-Jan-14 19:18:46

I feel like this too. sad

I have a great husband, gorgeous and funny toddler and I've just been promoted. But I feel nothing a lot of the time, and really struggle to think of anything positive about myself.

I have been putting it down to tiredness as my toddler isn't a great sleeper, but I've started to think it may be something more.

SunshineOnACrappyDay Wed 01-Jan-14 19:38:36

Big hugs YearofChange and tearoomtrash. flowers

forgetandforgive Thu 02-Jan-14 14:30:36

it sounds like you are slightly depressed. we all have bad days and good. i was like that last year, tired and irritable some days i felt like life was so doom and gloomy. i went to the docs and she prescribed me antidepressants. however that i finds just a short term solution. what i do instead is to take life a day at time. losing weight and finding the motivation to keep it up is very hard if you are feeling this way. make small changes to your diet and don't feel guilty if you haven't used the exercise dvd. maybe you could try to fit a time when you are free and walk to the parks. once a week then increasing to 3 times.

sorry to hear this op. have you spoken with a GP you can trust.
they may be able to recommend CBT.
taking a day at a time is a good idea, have you got a group of friends you could get together with for some girly time maybe that's what you have had lack of lately? some time for yourself?

AYearOfChange Thu 02-Jan-14 20:22:24

Sorry to hear you're feeling like this too, tearoomtrash-it's crap, isn't it? Things are looking up a little already, so it can turn around quite quickly!

Some positive steps since yesterday: I cried on DH for an hour and a half and told him how I actually feel. He was amazing, and it really helped to be completely honest with him. He had a look at the MIND website with me and agreed that the symptoms he and I have both noticed are probably consistent with mild depression, and asked what I would like to do next. I don't want to take antidepressants unless I absolutely have to, so we've come up with a plan for eating, exercising, sleeping properly for the next eight weeks, and will then see how I am feeling and I'll go to the GP if I need to.

I did make an appointment for this morning and have a pill prescription which has always been quite good for my skin before, and have been put on the waiting list to see the dermatologist at our local hospital to discuss another course of Roaccutane (this will take several months, and it can cause depression, so I won't start another course if I'm still feeling like this!)so I'm feeling positive about that. We've also spent a good couple of hours blitzing a room in the house that has become a bit of a dumping ground (very small house, and I don't think mess helps my state of mind) so that's good too. Oh, and DH also said I should cross sex off the mental list of Stuff To Do, as the priority needs to be me feeling better, so I don't have that niggling away either.

AYearOfChange Thu 02-Jan-14 20:22:52

Sorry, meant to say thanks to everyone for their suggestions and just for listening thanks

Matildathecat Thu 02-Jan-14 20:49:47

Lucky you to have such an understanding DH.

I had a very bad year in 2012. At the start of 2013 I bought a beautiful notebook and made a list of things I'd like to achieve, lots of them very simple. I did most of them and have added more. I also jot down random things, feelings and lists. It's mine and it helps.

I second exercise. You have to enjoy it for it to work. Then make some adjustment to your routine to fit it in. It does get the endorphins flowing.

Definitely see your GP, as well as depression I bet he will run bloods to exclude anaemia, thyroid problems etc. he can also advise re the acne which is in itself so deeply depressing and demoralising.

Can you find healthier snack alternatives and make sure you have them in? I joined Weight Watchers with a friend last year and it was just fantastic. So friendly and motivating. I keep going now even though I reached my target. Losing the weight made me feel so much more positive about myself. It's such a personal thing. Yet in the group environment it really became a social activity.

Good luck. Lots of tiny steps can add up to a very long distance.x

wallypops Fri 03-Jan-14 05:02:17

One of the best treatments for mild depression is actually walking. Which of course has a double benefit. If you have some nice podcasts to listen to as you do it so much the better. Swimming also good and you can get a cheap waterproof MP3 player for about £20. Otherwise swimming lengths can get terminally dull but the results on your body are amazing and very quick.

MsAspreyDiamonds Fri 03-Jan-14 06:02:18

Brilliant that you have a plan on how to tackle your depression. Don't cross sex off your to do list, it should not be a chore but it will help you to reconnect with your dh. Try & make time for each other after the dc have gone to sleep by watching a film, snuggling up on the sofa or having a massage. A massage is a good way to having that tactile connection without committing to a sexual relationship if you are not ready just yet.

FolkGirl Fri 03-Jan-14 06:50:05


Good luck with your plan for the New Year.

I had a similar plan last year, after my marriage broke down just before Christmas, and I'm pretty much unrecognisable from the person I was!

I don't make New Years Resolutions. My exH and I always used to make New Years SMART Targets, which sounds pretty wanky, I agree wink

But yes, see it as a series as a small steps, see each of them as a success.

So when I got a new job at the beginning of the year the achievement wasn't getting the job. The achievements were: seeing the job and feeling like I was interested; phoning up for the application form; completing the application form; posting the application form; getting an interview; attending the interview; getting the job.

One more thing, don't be scared of ADs for mild depression. I've taken them on and off for years, this time round I've stuck with them for over 12 months. All they do is remove the awful fog and anxiety. I still have a full range of emotions and appropriate emotional responses to situations, it just meant that some of the feelings of overwhelming apathy and anxiety were tempered for just long enough to allow me to do the walking and the running and that sort of thing.

MadIsTheNewNormal Fri 03-Jan-14 06:57:25

I can very much identify with everything you've said and yes I think you do need to see someone. Make that the first thing you do. Go to the GP this week.

Depression doesn't always fit the cliche of not being able to get out of bed - sometimes you can seemingly carry on as normal, especially if everyone sees you as a capable doer and a coper, but inside you feel can empty and joyless and like you are just going through the motions, holding everything together, spinning plates, while inside you are collapsing.

It may be some latent undiagnosed PND still knocking around from your toddler. Tackle that first and the other things will fall much more easily into place.

AYearOfChange Fri 03-Jan-14 20:19:49

Do you know, I hadn't actually considered PND at all-it would fit in in terms of timing, but if I did/do have it, it must be the very mildest sort, and have come on late, I was actually on a massive high and laughed when the HV asked me all the questions! But a baby is a massive change, and did really change the way I saw myself and how I felt about things, the responsibility of being wholly responsible for another person is such a huge thing, isn't it? Terrifying and wonderful all at once.

I've found a local exercise class that fits in with DS bedtime and DH's shifts, so I've emailed the instructor to ask if I can join next week, I'm not a fan of exercise classes normally but like the idea of having something structured at a time that suits me so I don't have any excuses for not going smile

Thanks again for all your thoughts, it really is helping.

Please don't wait before you see a GP. They can at least suggest medication that you could do a bit of research on and put you on a waiting list to see a counsellor (worked for me and I took no medication smile ).

I've found having little things to look forward to helps as well. They don't have to be expensive, just out of the ordinary - a day out at some place you've thought about but haven't got round to, for example.

I agree about the walking suggestion too. After 20 minutes you can feel those endorphins (or whatever they are) start flowing into your brain!

And make sure that lovely DH of yours gets some support too. Good luck, you can do it smile

Hypermutley Sat 04-Jan-14 10:41:37

So sorry to hear this, I too have problems (like most people i think) re not getting around to doing what you 'want' to do.

And lo and behold on the Red magazine today I found a potential immense help. It seems we should breakdown our goals set ourselves specific 'things to do' which together will help achieve your mail goal. e.g. if you want to 'be a healthy weight' then say 'run for 20 minutes every Monday', '20 crunches every Tuesday' and so on. And so on for each big goa you want to achieve.

I hope to be on my way in 2014, and my resolution is 'just do it'.

AYearOfChange Sun 12-Jan-14 20:29:56

It's been a good week! Went back to work on Monday, have stuck to a proper sleep routine (10pm bedtime, up at 6!) even if I have still been waking up in the night. I've also made a real effort to eat properly, drink water, take iron vitamins every day and cooked from scratch for the first time in months weeks, and went to the exercise class and swimming with a friend twice as well.

DH and I have continued the house blitz and thrown BOXES of stuff out/to the charity shop, and I've organised a few lunches/meet ups with friends I've been too tired to see for a while. So it feels like quite a positive week, although I do have some very predictable stress/aggro coming my way in the next couple of weeks, so I'm trying not to panic about that too much!

Hope you have all had a positive few days, thanks again for all your thoughts and advice thanks

OvertiredandConfused Sun 12-Jan-14 21:49:45

This was me two years ago. Since then, I've got a new job, lost almost 4 stone in weight (and kept it off) and got a much better balance between me, work, family and chores. So you can do it!

I've only just seen this thread and it sounds like you've had a great week already, but I thought I'd tell you what worked for me incase anything is helpful.

I avoided ADs that the GP suggested - and I'm glad I did although I can now see that I was mildly depressed so maybe they would've helped.

To loose weight, I joined Slimming World. Weight Watchers is probably equally good but SW suited me better. I joined a group fairly close to home but not with anyone else that I knew. And I stayed to the group every week. It really, really helped. It was a kind of non-judgemental therapy and I still go (more than one year after reaching target) when I can.

As I lost weight - at a good but steady rate - I began to feel more in control of other parts of my life and so my confidence grew. I was more able to talk to my DH about how I really felt and how he could actually help. I admitted that, even though my life was pretty good, I wasn't perfect or superwoman.

Ironically, I probably do more now than I did then, but I also feel less pressure to appear to be perfect.

It hasn't been easy - and my relationship with DH went through a really rocky patch last year. But I'm starting 2014 in a much better place and I have no regrets.

Good luck OP. Keep posting smile

ItsNotUnusualToBe Sun 12-Jan-14 21:55:25

Hi OP. Hope you find a positive way forward. The ( cliche ) things that work for me is to massively cut out carbs - see the Low Carb Boot Camp stuff on mumsnet. And starting the couch to 5 k running programme - as the slowest 'runner' in the world. And decluttering Flylady style.

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme Sun 12-Jan-14 22:36:31

I think this might be me. sad

No enthusiasm for anything. Can't go to bed at night, sit downstairs watching tv or reading then wonder why I'm tired and headachy all day. House desperately needs sorting out but can't find the energy and don't know where to start. No interest in dh and don't really care either. Doing the day to day stuff but sometimes can't even face having to spend time with my little dds and that makes me really sad.

I don't want to spend the rest of my life in this state of non-existence. I need to exercise and lose weight but sometimes can't see the point. Who will care? Dh and dds love me the way I am but I don't like myself. I can't do anything, I have no real skills, experience or ability. I really don't know what I'm going to actually do with the rest of my life.

Are there any natural remedies or supplements that make you feel a bit better? Definitely wouldn't consider ads.

We should form a self help group!

AYearOfChange Sun 26-Jan-14 12:52:08

Two weeks on, and I have found them a bit of a struggle, due to (entirely foreseeable but unavoidable) stress and aggravation, which is finally over, and I feel physically lighter knowing it's all over. Sorry to be cryptic, would be WAY too identifiable if I bored you all with the details grin

I also AM physically lighter, by 6lb since the start of January, and my jeans feel a bit looser already. I have stuck to sensible meals, no bingeing, taken my vitamins and drunk a lot of water, and been really strict about early nights. I've also managed a swim and an exercise class each week too. My skin is dreadful-REALLY dreadful, but I have an appointment with a dermatology consultant in February, so I'm almost relieved it's so appalling, as at least they're more likely to agree that I need some kind of treatment!

I've really noticed a change in myself over the last week, despite the extra stress-I cooked something for dinner, actually thought 'Ooh, x would be nice', and picked up all the ingredients and made it, which feels like a massive step forward from pasta five nights a week because I couldn't think straight enough to care what we ate, as long as DS had proper food. Also went out for dinner with a group of friends on Friday and actually had fun catching up, instead of just feeling too knackered to join in the conversation. I have found I'm watching less TV and reading a bit more, which has been a positive change.

The decluttering continues, and we're getting really good about picking an area a couple of evenings a week and just spending half an hour or so blitzing-some very happy charity shops nearby!

So sorry that this is how a lot of other people are feeling too-I really thought it was just me, trudging drearily through the weeks sad

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