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Male seeking advice(109 Posts)
Hello all. I've no idea if I'm an outlier here, but I am looking for advice from women and I hope someone can help.
I'm currently in a relationship with a woman. We've been together a while, and I love her very much. She tells me she loves me.
She has an ex-boyfriend, much wealthier than I am. She tells me their relationship is platonic. Although they split up at least two years ago, he continues to buy her jewellery for occasions such as her birthday, and I happen to know she prefers the jewellery he buys her to the jewellery I buy her. And she often wears it for long periods, as well as items that he bought he bought her when they were together. In addition he takes her out to high-end restaurants as a matter of routine when they go out.
On one recent occasion when she went out with him, I saw her later that night. I remarked on the freshness of her make-up and perfume (which is unusual for her so late in the day). She joked that she had been 'dolled up' to meet 'someone'. She later told me it was another friend. Having checked her phone I know that she lied about that (but I recognise this may be because she is nervous about telling me when she sees this ex- and genuinely doesn't want me to think there's anything untoward going on; in fact, I happen to know that she regularly lies about when she sees him).
Believe it or not, I have no reason to think that she is sleeping with him.
What if anything should I read into the above?
This woman made it plain that she wanted to end it when you confronted her. She didn't hesitate. Look at what you wrote.
But you clawed your way back, begging more or less, for some sort of a relationship with her.
She's done the classic 'oh I wouldn't be jealous if the boot was on the other foot'- which is a rubbish way of defending her behaviour.
What's happened is that you have said how you feel, then back pedalled when she's fed you a line or two.
she's now happy to carry on seeing both of you- god knows why. what does she get out of it with you- great sex? Good company?
sorry to sound harsh but you sound weak and it's clear she's using you. wake up.
Interesting post from prh, who has been there before.
You are being very respectful of your GF but respect is a two-way street and you aren't getting any respect back that I can see. How is this relationship going to move forward if the ex remains in the picture?
Is she still going to see the ex and accept gifts from him?
Edward, are you taking the piss now ?
You've had your answer, you've confronted her and you seem to want to get right back to square one.
What Lazyjaney said up thread. Don't listen to what she says, listen to what she does. Actions speak far louder than words ever can. When she speaks, she just dismisses you. You sound too nice for her and should find someone that appreciates you. I was going to put 'more' at the end of that sentence but 'at all' would be a start!
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Sorry, I'm feeling particularly abrasive over the Christmas period this year.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Unless you plan on sucking it up and letting her dictate your boundaries or forcing her to accept yours, which given she has demonstrated dishonesty she will likely only pay lip service to or you'll drive yourself insane checking, I can't see in what way you're going to move forward.
I'm not sure you have! WTAF does she need to do for the relationship to end for you? I'm all for people being able to determine their own boundaries within their relationships and for her if this relationship with her ex IS above board and she thinks it is fine how she has behaved then the only answer is to break up because you have different boundaries.
However, it is highly unlikely this relationship is above board and in any case she has clearly told you she is not willing to give it up, she would prefer to break up with you.
What probation is there to be had here? Surely this is an intractable problem, you want her to be exclusive and open, she wants to be unconstrained and feels she can't be honest about it. It is not going to work.
At the very least you, at the moment, have different needs from the relationship. At worst she is deliberately exploiting you both - him for excitement and you for stability. What can you rescue out of that?
I'd be willing to hazard a guess that the person you think you love does not really exist.
What is she doing to prove to you that she even wants to make things work with you ?
Thank you, all, for your thoughtful responses and insights. You're all strangers to me, but you've been kind with your time and your thoughts.
As for she and me, well, we're on probation. A day at a time. It could end at any time, or we'll get through it. I don't know. But I think I now have the strength to see it end, if need be.
prh47bridge, that sounds a horrendous thing to go through.
OP, I dont think I could really advise you without knowing the dynamics of your relationship but I do know that in some cases it is possible to remain properly friends with an ex for a life time and I have done it. (That was with a massive gap where the man I married, who turned out to be a total twunt, refused to let me even send a Christmas card, but we are back to being able to communicate now and he recently sent me a wonderful letter after my DM died.) The friendship we have retained is as a result of the total respect he has always given to me and my partners and also to his own partners. This isnt something we ever really discussed except early on. It is because he is a totally decent man and it comes naturally to him. He would never meet me "in secret". He has on occasion given me presents but nothing that would ever have caused offence. I cant see that you are getting any respect on this from either your DP or her Ex. That stinks.
Don't make the same mistakes I did.
I once had a girlfriend who was seeing a "friend" (not an ex in this case). She insisted it was platonic although it was obvious to me that he was after her. Eventually he made it abundantly clear that he wanted her so that she could no longer deny it. She "didn't want to hurt his feelings" so she continued to see him and accept gifts from him, telling me I shouldn't be getting upset and that I was being over-sensitive. Things came to a head when he gave her Christmas present that went way beyond something you would give a friend. She finally accepted this was too much stopped any contact with him. But it was only for a few months. Later that year she re-established contact with him behind my back and ended up leaving me for him. After 3 months she got fed up with him. I foolishly took her back only for her to again start seeing him behind my back, eventually leaving me for him again.
Then stupidly I did it all again with my next girlfriend. When I started seeing her I knew her ex still stayed with her on some weekends. She led me to believe their relationship ended months before we got together. Had I known it had only been over for a couple of weeks I might have had the sense not to get involved. As it was I accepted the situation at first but felt increasingly uncomfortable with it as our relationship grew, especially since he refused to meet me, bought her presents he couldn't afford and was acting the handyman around her house, doing jobs I was intending to do myself. She did eventually stop seeing him completely but only for a few months. She then started contacting him behind my back and ended up going back to him. You would think I had learnt my lesson but I'm a glutton for punishment and I took her back 6 months later. We married. Biggest mistake of my life. Within months she was again seeing him behind my back. I don't think she ever got back together with him but our marriage was effectively over soon after.
I could have written your "Well I confronted her..." post myself about both of these relationships. In both cases I was terrified of losing my partner and desperately wanted the relationship to work. I believed them when they said they loved me. I was wrong.
Based on personal experience I agree completely with other posters on this thread. Get out. Now. Don't make excuses for her. She does not love you. I know she says she does and you want to believe her but she doesn't. She wanted you to tell her you could carry on despite her insistence that the relationship was over. She wanted you to believe that she loves you. She may even think she does. But she really doesn't.
No, I don't know all the internal dynamics of your relationship but you sound exactly like I did at certain points in my life. And you seem determined to make the same mistakes I did. Having been there myself I understand where you are and I expect you to ignore my advice. But you really should get out of this relationship before it does you any more damage.
She isn't going to stop seeing him or accepting expensive gifts, am sure if you weren't with her she would be with him. Best you bow out gracefully and find someone who treats you nice and is honest with you. Otherwise you will spend every day with her insecure and doubting yourself. You deserve so much better than that surely?
I think you know that she is taking you for a ride. Leave her.
She has a couple of neat response re anything regarding my sensibilities: 'you're too sensitive' - ie. I'm a pansy for raising anything, and 'I don't think I would care'.
What she is saying with this argument, is that your feelings don't matter, because in her opinion you should not be feeling this way.
She's denying you the right to feel the way you feel, just because it's inconvenient to her.
It worries me that you think these are "neat" responses. These responses are not "neat", they are very selfish, and suggest that she doesn't really care about you all that much.
If she tries these lines again, tell her that it's irrelevant whether or not she agrees with your feelings. You feel the way you feel, and that's it. If she truly loves you, she will hate seeing you in pain and will try to help you feel better. Instead of trying to make you think that you are in the wrong for being unhappy.
that should have been "honesty" rather than "honestly"!!!I can never type properly in this forum!
Sorry, but honestly is absolutely fundamental to me in a relationship. I don't care if the truth will hurt a bit, but if my other half lies to me, I lose trust completely.
I am sorry you love her, but you are better off cutting your losses now before getting even more involved.
"I mean come on she's basically telling you she'd rather give up you than him"
That is it in a nutshell. Watch what she does, not what she says.
If you carry on now, when she has effectively refused to give him up and is cold shouldering you rather than trying to make up, then you need to be very clear you are no more than a FWB.
I agree with manabouttm - is she trying to get you to ramp up the gift giving etc to compete with the financially better off ex ?
If you continue to be her stooge, then, sorry more fool you.
Don't be a pawn in her game. If she's using someone else to make her ex jealous then don't let it be you.
Tell me, would you buy nice jewellery for an ex-girlfriend if she had a new partner ? Basically you would still have to be fond of her and want her back, yes ? Meals out too, same reason ? (Apologies to the people on here who don't like the word meal.)
I don't like to wear jewellery that I got as presents from an ex even though I've been married nearly 20 years. That's just me though.
Dinner dates and accepting expensive jewellery? That's your job now, not the ex's.
She's either a rinser or just isn't that into you.
Let her go, she doesn't seem to want you.
She sounds like a gold digger (or a prozzie). Sorry. Going out for expensive meals and accepting expensive jewelry, lies and deceit is very unattractive traits in a woman.
In your shoes I would end it.
It doesn't mean she is sleeping with him at all, some women like attention and maybe she enjoys it. It has nothing to do with him being wealthy (I think this is your own hang up) but It does mean she is disrespecting you. I would lay my expectations on the table and if -she won't meet them find someone who does.
You seem like a nice guy...if she's like this now it will get worse and not better.
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