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I think my husband has left me.

(394 Posts)
Ohbyethen Tue 31-Dec-13 00:44:26

But I don't actually officially know. How pathetic does that sound?

I've nc for this and I don't know why, possibly because it makes it a little bit less real, less connected to me.

I have no one I'm able to talk to about this now and anyway sometimes you just need MN advice don't you? All the way up to starting the thread I just wanted you lot to tell me what to do, now I don't know what to write. Because I don't know what the fuck is going on.

A couple of things have made sense in retrospect but at the time (and we're talking this week, not months or years) I just thought it was work and christmas/family stress. He's been quiet a bit, not had a great appetite and not slept well, been perfectly polite but exactly that, polite, distant although not cold while I tried really hard to get talking - and I have wracked my brains trying to see what else I missed but I'm coming up with nothing.
He's been at his mother's a lot over Christmas for various reasons (and yes I know he was there, he's got no other indicators pointing to affairsville really, although nothing could surprise me anymore) only dropping into the house to get ready to go to work and lunch. I was worried and tried to get him to talk to me but he wouldn't. Friday he said he needed to clear his head and went for a drive, he was reasonable but not normal when he got back. I asked if he would take a break or at least go to the doctor, I thought his problems were down to exhaustion and told him I was really worried he was heading for bigger issues.
Yesterday he's at work all night, he gets home today and tells me he's got to go and see his mother but he's seeing a Dr in the evening - his friend, actually a Dr but a friend none the less, for a 'chat'- I backed off, just said if he wouldn't talk to me please talk to his mum, she loves him yadda yadda, I'm glad he's talking to his friend and I hope it will be helpful.
Hear nothing, text for news, he'll let me know.
Get a text ' x has said go back to mum's, chill out there away from work area and see how things are in the morning. Sorry.'
I was sceptical of the exact advice being reported but thought fuck it, if he has a break we can sort things out when he's got his head back.

So it should have ended there. This is the pathetic part, we share a computer, I went to log in to facebook and his sign in details were in the box, I always forget to check, looked back across and it said password incorrect. Thought balls I only changed it last week, saw it was his and the auto fill had put the usual one in - his password was changed at 9.15 this morning. Was a bit eh? but logged in to mine to see I have been unfriended. Now I don't set much store by fb but this is so random. He never uses the fucking thing, why go to the bother of that mid breakdown (which I had attributed this to initially)? If it was a friend I wouldn't think anything of it but unfriending your wife (not deactivating the account) when you don't use it seems a random point to make. I checked email accounts - we have our own but often share for stuff- all the passwords have been changed. Today.
I spent the day trying to work out all the things I could do to take the load off for him, try to help without really knowing the problem from him, concerned he's on the brink of working himself to death and I was in a bit of denial. Then that; it confirmed my gut feeling so I decided to pack a bag, send him to his mother's more permanently while we sort things out properly and try and shield the kids from any of this uncertainty with a work trip.
Text to tell him this, non-confrontationally, no reply. Found his wedding ring left in the bathroom and he doesn't take it off normally. Had a cry while packing his bag and now I'm just - ? -

Not 24 hours ago I would have said he is a decent, kind man, excellent father and we had a solid marriage. We discussed separation when we had pfb and we both said as amicably as possible - no mess, grown ups, with mediators if necessary. Even if he left me I would have laughed in the face of anyone that said he would leave the dc like that...which brings me back to him just having reached the end of his tether.
I'm sad, alone, am desperately worried about him and want to be with him but also have no idea if he has actually had a crisis and wasn't in fact a massive bastard that was too chicken shit to tell me to my face, I'm angry at him, furious really. And then just distraught because I love him and can't believe he would do this if he had a choice. Except he has, hasn't he?

knockedgymnast Tue 31-Dec-13 01:16:47

Ohbythen, it must be awful for you sad

And the only thing you have to go on are his actions, which seem quite conflicting. Almost like he could be leading a double life.

Like I said, I don't want to speculate .

Unfortunately, only time will tell.

Poor you sad

Ohbyethen Tue 31-Dec-13 01:18:01

ohfour - No form no, never. Keeping it in tad dramatic sorry, all unfolded from early hours last night, last saw him about 10am. Didn't speak to him, was spoke to as he left.
Have separate main accounts, joint account intact so transferred most. Felt bad about him possibly finding no money in case he needed it. Ridiculous.
We have faced a lot of stresses generally and historically (death, money, illness, caring and disability strains) but always weathered them well (ha!) but I wouldn't say we have had any relationship issues. Well clearly we bloody have but I obviously didn't notice. It's all been external recently, family and his work. I thought we were dealing with that, I didn't know we had us problems to deal with.

The fb thing is definitely weird - I mean, why would he do that confused - especially if it isn't something he uses regularly?

It just doesn't make any sense?

handfulofcottonbuds Tue 31-Dec-13 01:21:30

Have you got family or friends close by you can lean on?

Darling that's long enough to keep something like this in -I can imagine that hours feel like years sad

Have you got any rl support?

And do not feel guilty about the joint account - you need to make sure that you and the dc are as ok as you can be. No matter what has happened or why he has done this, they are your priority x

knockedgymnast Tue 31-Dec-13 01:24:33

ohfour, I was thinking the same thing. His mum knows a lot more of what is going on, I fear, which could be why she's ignoring your calls.

Ohbyethen Tue 31-Dec-13 01:26:22

Thank you everyone that has responded - truely, genuinely thank you, sorry I'm not name checking everyone but your replies are so appreciated.

Handful Wtf? is pretty much all I can get my head round at the moment. I start to get angry or sad or worried and my brain just cuts out leaving a big what the fuck in it's place.
When he went for a drive to clear his head he wasn't gone long, I thought it was suss but he seemed genuinely cut up about 'stresses' - other than that no. I mean for fuck's sake I was giving him a hair cut in the bath Sunday while he chatted, I thought he'd started to feel a bit more able to talk to me.
Sadly no number or contact details for Dr friend as work friend none of our personal friends have his details either. Unless I call his surgery which is a bit deranged. I feel a bit deranged.

I don't think he was coming home. I'm not sure he plans on coming home again. And that makes me feel like I can't breathe.

Darling it is very, very early days - wtf is, I am sure, what an awful lot of posters in your position experience. I'm not saying that there are any right or wrong answers, only that you shouldn't beat yourself up or be surprised that you don't know what way is up at the moment.

How long have you been together?

handfulofcottonbuds Tue 31-Dec-13 01:32:22

If you can sort out childcare and hopefully get a friend or family member to go with you, then I think you need to go to MIL's tomorrow. You can't deal with this for another day. This is totally unfair on you and your DCs.

I know you probably won't sleep tonight but as was said up thread, try and rest if you can.

I can't imagine what you're going through but I know there will be support on here for you tonight x

FloraSpreadableMacDonald Tue 31-Dec-13 01:34:06

Dear OP....I could have written your post in August. We went on holiday, had fun, etc...then i had a few days away with kids and i came back and he had gone. My dp suffered clinical depression and i put it down to that as he was on a real low. Things had been odd looking back...changing his computer password, putting a lock on his phone, going to the gym a lot.....I came on MN and got good advice. One poster suggested he was having an affair. I said no way. Ive recently apoligised to that poster as i found out that he was having an affair. I could never have believed it possible. It lasted only a few weeks after that but i struggled even then. Ive discovered that a monkey doesnt let go of his nice homely branch till he has another one to swing too.
I sincerely hope its not the case but as an outsider looking in, it points to that.
I hope you find peace and that things work out the way you want them.

sad so sorry for you op xx

LackaDAISYcal Tue 31-Dec-13 01:34:45

so sorry ohbyethen, try and get some sleep and hopefully there will be clarity in the morning. Feeling for you so much xx

Lweji Tue 31-Dec-13 01:35:55

So sorry. sad

You did well in taking the money. He did leave you with the children with no regard for them, or you.

TBH, I'd be changing the locks tomorrow, or locking the doors from the inside. Not so much to keep him out, but to make sure he couldn't escape from actually explaining what is going on if he does show up.

Twat.

FreeAtLastAtLongLast Tue 31-Dec-13 01:36:46

I'm so sorry you're being treated like this, just awful hmm

If you're able to manage something to eat, perhaps something with carbs, it might help you to sleep?

Where abouts are you op? Is there anyone who could look after you for a couple of days?

Ohbyethen Tue 31-Dec-13 01:39:06

I'll be able to speak to Friends in the morning, they deserve an explanation anyway.
Not that I quite know what to say.

I do think his mum knows what's going on, which is a bit of a stab in the heart. I keep thinking if it was my sonI I'd do the same but I know I wouldn't hurt his wife by not at least telling her he's safe. O don't know what he's told her, it could be anything.

Sorry for typos, got the shakes now I've told you. It's feltlike years yes, but unreal. Realisation not of what I suspected deep down earlier but really actually this is happening realisation has hit me I think. Because it's not going away if I just carry on as normal. It probably never will. I just wish it would. If it won't I just want to know why.

Shakes are understandable sad

I know this may not be the best of ideas, but have you thought about having a wee dram of something to try to calm the shakes? (Too much probably wouldn't be a good idea but a little might help?)

Lweji Tue 31-Dec-13 01:47:13

If he is ill, or even having mental health problems, I would have expected his mother to explain it to you, so that you are not worried, nor the children.
It's really amazing that they are not being considered in this by them.

Ohbyethen Tue 31-Dec-13 01:49:04

Sorry x post again.

I'm lucky I have friends I can call, family when I feel up to doing his dirty work. DC Will be well looked after.
Thank you Flora for sharing... I don't know, couldn't put it past him now really. Is that better? He just didn't love me enough versus just didn't love me. Neither really.

I desperately want him to come back so I can tell him toleave on my terms. Except when I see him will I? Carbs sound good but can't face much. Might open his Christmas biscuits...even if I just chuck them to the dogs.

handfulofcottonbuds Tue 31-Dec-13 01:53:16

Open his flipping biscuits! Have a cup of tea with sugar in, you are probably in shock lovely.

Ohbyethen Tue 31-Dec-13 01:55:46

No booze for me, medication prevents it.
I'll have to put my game face on soon anyway.

My children do not deserve this. I could deal if it was just me but you're right. If their dad won't think of them surely she should?
Crying again which is making me angry and desolate in equal measure. My babies sad fucking fuck.
Sorry but just... what? This is so wrong.

You do not need to put your game face on sweetheart, the only thing you need to do is take this second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour.

One of the wisest things I've read on mn is the phrase "this too shall pass". It doesn't feel like it now, you probably think that the pain will never end, but it will. And you will come out the other side stronger and more fabulous than you have ever been.

But for now, baby steps x

Definitely go to see his mother tomorrow - unless you have a trusted friend or other relative who could go round there on your behalf and check whether or not your husband is there.

If he isn't there and his mother won't tell you where he is or claims not to know, then I would actually advise informing the police. On the grounds that he has been 'unhappy', taken off his wedding ring and disappeared - these could be seen as indications of a suicidal mindset.
I'm not trying to scare you as i think it's far more likely that he is being a twat and off with another woman, but you could probably use the threat of police involvement to make his mother tell what she knows.
And if he is there but won't speak to you, come home and contact a solicitor about sorting out the finances and the house etc. If he's posturing for attention, he needs a good kick in the cock; if he's decided to leave you then you need to protect yourself legally and financially.

Ohbyethen Tue 31-Dec-13 02:04:50

Thank you everyone for your support and advice. You have helped immesurably in getting my thoughts together.
I'm sat in bed so if I do flake out at least won't wake up at the kitchen table.

Not long I suppose until it's a decent hour and I can start ringing people.
thanks

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