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I think my husband has left me.

(394 Posts)
Ohbyethen Tue 31-Dec-13 00:44:26

But I don't actually officially know. How pathetic does that sound?

I've nc for this and I don't know why, possibly because it makes it a little bit less real, less connected to me.

I have no one I'm able to talk to about this now and anyway sometimes you just need MN advice don't you? All the way up to starting the thread I just wanted you lot to tell me what to do, now I don't know what to write. Because I don't know what the fuck is going on.

A couple of things have made sense in retrospect but at the time (and we're talking this week, not months or years) I just thought it was work and christmas/family stress. He's been quiet a bit, not had a great appetite and not slept well, been perfectly polite but exactly that, polite, distant although not cold while I tried really hard to get talking - and I have wracked my brains trying to see what else I missed but I'm coming up with nothing.
He's been at his mother's a lot over Christmas for various reasons (and yes I know he was there, he's got no other indicators pointing to affairsville really, although nothing could surprise me anymore) only dropping into the house to get ready to go to work and lunch. I was worried and tried to get him to talk to me but he wouldn't. Friday he said he needed to clear his head and went for a drive, he was reasonable but not normal when he got back. I asked if he would take a break or at least go to the doctor, I thought his problems were down to exhaustion and told him I was really worried he was heading for bigger issues.
Yesterday he's at work all night, he gets home today and tells me he's got to go and see his mother but he's seeing a Dr in the evening - his friend, actually a Dr but a friend none the less, for a 'chat'- I backed off, just said if he wouldn't talk to me please talk to his mum, she loves him yadda yadda, I'm glad he's talking to his friend and I hope it will be helpful.
Hear nothing, text for news, he'll let me know.
Get a text ' x has said go back to mum's, chill out there away from work area and see how things are in the morning. Sorry.'
I was sceptical of the exact advice being reported but thought fuck it, if he has a break we can sort things out when he's got his head back.

So it should have ended there. This is the pathetic part, we share a computer, I went to log in to facebook and his sign in details were in the box, I always forget to check, looked back across and it said password incorrect. Thought balls I only changed it last week, saw it was his and the auto fill had put the usual one in - his password was changed at 9.15 this morning. Was a bit eh? but logged in to mine to see I have been unfriended. Now I don't set much store by fb but this is so random. He never uses the fucking thing, why go to the bother of that mid breakdown (which I had attributed this to initially)? If it was a friend I wouldn't think anything of it but unfriending your wife (not deactivating the account) when you don't use it seems a random point to make. I checked email accounts - we have our own but often share for stuff- all the passwords have been changed. Today.
I spent the day trying to work out all the things I could do to take the load off for him, try to help without really knowing the problem from him, concerned he's on the brink of working himself to death and I was in a bit of denial. Then that; it confirmed my gut feeling so I decided to pack a bag, send him to his mother's more permanently while we sort things out properly and try and shield the kids from any of this uncertainty with a work trip.
Text to tell him this, non-confrontationally, no reply. Found his wedding ring left in the bathroom and he doesn't take it off normally. Had a cry while packing his bag and now I'm just - ? -

Not 24 hours ago I would have said he is a decent, kind man, excellent father and we had a solid marriage. We discussed separation when we had pfb and we both said as amicably as possible - no mess, grown ups, with mediators if necessary. Even if he left me I would have laughed in the face of anyone that said he would leave the dc like that...which brings me back to him just having reached the end of his tether.
I'm sad, alone, am desperately worried about him and want to be with him but also have no idea if he has actually had a crisis and wasn't in fact a massive bastard that was too chicken shit to tell me to my face, I'm angry at him, furious really. And then just distraught because I love him and can't believe he would do this if he had a choice. Except he has, hasn't he?

WaitingForPeterWimsey Sun 05-Jan-14 10:25:58

That sounds good, Fog. Really pleased to hear you are doing ok.

Oakmaiden Sun 05-Jan-14 22:56:25

There seems to be an awful lot of "OP, Your husband can't really be ill. I have seen people have MH problems and it didn't look like that". Because everyone's mental health problems are different.

PLaying devils advocate: it is just possible that the OPs husband got to such a low state that he thought "I am no good to anyone - my DW would be better off without me dragging her down. The children will be better off without me. Everything would be better if I were just gone." and then took off his ring, disconnected on FB, and went. Not from lack of caring about them, but because he did care, but feels so hopeless.

Yes... I might be identifying here...

That isn't to say that OP should just forgive and forget, even if this were the case. Just that it isn't necessarily dh being a bastard... His thoughts might just be all muddled...

Or he might just be a self centred bastard. But it would surprise me if he was really a self centred bastard but had managed to hide it so completely up to this point in the marriage... I think if people are acting unusually then there is generally a reason for it.

OP - I hope you are OK. I guess at this point not even you know what is really going on - but your strength amazes me.

Ohbyethen Wed 15-Jan-14 23:37:30

Hello, I apologise for just not coming back, it wasn't intent just circumstances. I remain incredibly grateful for the support I received.

Update:
He came home citing poverty and nowhere to go and the next sentence was telling me he wanted a divorce. I managed to get him to the Dr purely for his own health. Although this time has felt like months it hasn't been that long I see, but he offered me hope that this wasn't him and intentional cruelty - I offered him love and support. He kept me on the merry go round but now he has called it quits again.
I made what might be considered a poor move in order to keep my husband. Because I still love him as much as I ever did and was not party to the story in his head that gives him the buffer of such detachment.
In order to keep this as brief as possible I won't recount the things he said, they were cliche & cowardly but it pains me to see him hurting...even if it is the pain of his own guilt.
I have to come to acceptance now. But I can't drop the ball, I have to carry the consequences and keep going so it is happening in small doses at night. A long and painful road unfortunately made more difficult by the fact he is still here. Something I currently have no solution to. It could drag on for months as we tie up the commitments we made. I'm hoping to make that not the case but I'm prepared to swallow this hellish limbo in order to get the most from the house etc as I need to do my best to protect the dc. They are accepting of the situation, not fools but thankfully a bit of childish self absorption and antipathy to change is working in my favour for now. Of course it will be me that it bites on the arse soon.
It's an imperfect solution as solutions go but my choices have been least worst... pretty much the extent of them tbh.
He was talking & I thought I could see light. Now, nothing. I've told him he has to take responsibility for his choices and he cannot co opt my feelings as justification (I just can't hurt you any more) - now I have taken the ball back & am not discussing things that make me vulnerable - my love & forgiveness - he is back to being a git.
I offered everything on a plate but he won't even try. I can't do any more.

Thank you to all of you, from the bottom of my heart.

Tonandfeather Wed 15-Jan-14 23:47:37

You sound like a truly lovely woman anyone would be proud to call a friend.

I'd advise against remaining in the same house together while you untie the strings. Not good for you or the children.

How did you get on with the cell phone bills?

Because if this is not an affair, I'll eat my hat.

shoom Wed 15-Jan-14 23:49:35

sadcakeflowers

It has all happened so quickly, and you had to guess what might be going on, it must be so hard when you've tried everything you can to help.

Keep posting and hopefully we can help, or just listen. Take care.

Ohbyethen Thu 16-Jan-14 00:00:44

Thank you Ton. I don't feel it at the moment!
Nothing of note, same as it ever was, few more calls to his mother. I asked outright & had a shufty on his phone and there is sweet FA.
I still harbour suspicions but although he might be being a bastard right now he's still not clever. I know that sounds like a cunty thing to say but it's never been a failing iyswim.
Hat remains unmolested for now, but I don't think it should get too comfortable. I don't know.

I do want us in different places. Whatever the reason for this he is in no fit state to parent so will not be staying with dc/pets. So I either have to move all of us or him. Tbh now it looks like he's going to find somewhere because the consequence stew is getting too unpalatable for him. Funny he couldn't when he was getting wifey duties - now I keep saying 'that's not my problem, that's a wife problem' he seems to be able to reach for something somewhere. Possibly.

His mum didn't know what was going on, he only told her tonight - for the past 10 days she thought we were playing happy families. Her question to him was 'well what are you going to do now?' rather than extending an invite. It's a small comfort that some rocks have been strewn on his smooth path to the good life.

Except not really. Because I'm a fucking fool & still feel bad. Bollocks.

Ohbyethen Thu 16-Jan-14 00:02:08

Thanks Shoom.
You guys are ace.

Tonandfeather Thu 16-Jan-14 00:13:27

Yes he needs to go. You're doing and saying all the right things, but it doesn't need me to tell you it's a bad atmosphere for children to live in.

I wouldn't have expected to find anything on his phone, but the bills maybe. Unless he's got another phone or device of course, or messenger system that doesn't show up on the data.

You are definitely not a fool. You gave this your all, even against your better judgement. You can look your children in the eyes when they are adults and say "I tried".

Of course you feel bad. You are going through a trauma. Are you getting any personal help with that?

Ohbyethen Thu 16-Jan-14 00:31:56

I have looked at all I can look at & found zip. He is saying he wishes he had answers to give me closure. I'm not digging any more, eventually everything comes to light. I'll face it when it's in front of me. There's too many people, too many shared things for a secret to remain secret for long if he stays in the area.

He does need to go. I want him to stay and everything to be built back up but it won't be, I know that and I'm not hanging on to him. But short of calling the police (about which I'm sure they'd be thrilled and not actually be able to do much) I'm rather stuck - he's not abusive, he's not transgressing the law, it's his home. I'm not sure they grant court orders for making everyone sad.
Honestly I want to dump this on his plate, but obviously I am not doing a great job for the dc if I do.
I do have a counsellor...because life was already shit. My mum has cancer. My brother died. Abusive childhood. I'm sure I've outed myself now.
My deal, my problems and up until ten days ago not issues he had said one word about having a problem with. So, it's just another bit on the pile. Even my counsellor was open mouthed, as I was mostly crying it didn't really matter she couldn't muster much to say.
I never ran away. And I'm pissed off he gets to. And that makes me feel petty and bitter.
But, world keeps turning so, have to keep up really.

Ohbyethen Thu 16-Jan-14 00:34:38

Oh god the self pity! I regret posting that horribly sniveling read now. As if I'm the first woman in the world that got done over. Apologies.

Tonandfeather Thu 16-Jan-14 00:42:43

Oh my word, you have a lot on your plate. I'm so sorry.

I suppose all you can do is to keep trying to appeal to his fathering instincts and keep asking him to find somewhere else to live, for the good of the children.

Glad you've got a counsellor.

You are entitled to self-pity! Don't try to squash that down one bit. There are no prizes handed out for being stoic. Lean on people and grieve.

Plomino Thu 16-Jan-14 00:46:04

Ohbye then , the fact that other people lives might be worse doesn't make your pain any less valid or 'worthy' . You have nothing to apologise for . Nothing .

Ohbyethen Thu 16-Jan-14 01:00:08

Thank you both. Seems a bit inadequate really but sincere all the same.

I'm tired of being so bloody tired. I have a counsellor because I am leant on. I don't do the leaning because I can deal, I am a coper, competent and calm and sensible in the face of a crisis.
And it's shit being that person. And you're right there's no tea and medals.
All I got from him when I said I wanted to run away, I wanted to be able to just be anywhere else was 'don't say that, they need you'. Yup, everybody needs me, nobody wants me.
Appealling to him atm is like appealing to a brick...except at least a brick never pretended to be anything other than a brick.
I want to know why I feel humiliated? I haven't done anything, I don't feel that other people divorcing should feel shame or embarrassment but there it is burning away.
It's my pity party happy hour clearly, better out than in I suppose.
What a mess.

shoom Thu 16-Jan-14 01:05:51

thanks
cake
thanks
thanks
cake
thanks
thanks
thanks

Any (normal) person would find this horrendous. Look after yourself. Maybe encouraging him to go to his mum's might help. If he wishes to stay at home and not face the reality, then making things uncomfortable for him might be necessary. I don't know how far you want to it, but I'm thinking along the lines of him buying and cooking his own food etc. No family days out. No polite chat.

shoom Thu 16-Jan-14 01:06:38

If you're worried about outing yourself just report that post for deletion.

Ohbyethen Thu 16-Jan-14 01:17:50

I have said that, exactly that actually! I'm not sure his mum will have him back, she doesn't sound too impressed. I'm hoping she will cave after an appropriate time of making him feel bad. I will see if I could push that along.

I'm actually not at all fussed about being outed, here or rl, it's all coming out in the wash anyway. I just had a knee-jerk about people guessing who I was because my posts contain a lot of praise and love for my stbexh and I couldn't quite face having that read - advice about acceptable behaviour that I would never put up with (although I didn't), Well it would be farcical now.
But it actually doesn't matter, it was in good faith, just jabs me in the guts a bit.

Tonandfeather Thu 16-Jan-14 01:21:40

Nobody wants you?

I'm sure that isn't true.

The woman you come across as in the written word is a woman whose company people will seek out and treasure. You are wanted.

Don't devalue yourself because one miserable, cowardly little man says he doesn't want you.

You are not the sum total of a weak man's desires.

I'm sure your girlfriends treasure you and your children want you very much. Don't diminish their value. It's worth so much more coming from them than him.

Ohbyethen Thu 16-Jan-14 01:38:25

Ton, you are spot on. It is true. But life is busy and I end up not speaking to anyone about me, but that whole hyperbole is a product of having a wallow!

The problem is this isn't the man I know, I love and built a life and future with. The man who is the love of my life, whom I respected and adored. Except it is. This is him now, showing cruelty, cowardice and craven hollow words that I never dreamed I would see. I've gone from normal life to uncertainty to divorce in a shorter time than it took him to choose his last car.
You are right. But I wish you weren't.
I don't want to phone people because when the wave breaks it all comes down. Because I'm terrified about where we go and what we do now even though I know I will cope and do it and I know I have friends that will hold my hand.

So I feel a coward too.

Ohbyethen Thu 16-Jan-14 05:42:52

So it's 5ish, I haven't managed to sleep.
I felt all rawr until about 10 minutes ago. Now it's nearly time to begin again.

I wish my brain didn't find it so easy to be a BAMF at night time and so difficult during the day. I'm not channeling an all action hero at all (which I am aiming for, just on the off chance I get a helicopter, unlimited funds, retire to an island and get to keep my pets) just a whingy scaredy cat. A friend posted some motivational fluff on fb & all I can muster is a big fat fuck off. I blew a raspberry at the computer screen. It's possibly a new low.

I would like to sit in bed, in my pants, eat ice cream untilI'm sick and sob, gut wrenching, chest hurting, brain emptying sobs. Properly, full Bridget Jones (not previously an aspiration) - where's my bastarding ice cream sobbing pants party? Where the fuck is that? Except now I'm too bloody pissed off to do it properly and would just grind my teeth, seethe and then swear because the ice cream made my teeth hurt more.
Bastard, bastarding, bastard, fucker.

Sorry, just needed a bit more fuel for the fire there to get me through the day. I am rock solid, this is not allowed to hurt today, if my fury was physical it would be like standing on the surface of the Sun & I may melt my own head.
You do not fuck over my children... bingo.

You're amazing. You are so strong and resilient and funny and clever. You are an awesome woman and you will get through this
You're in the very middle of the storm right now and it's hellish but it will blow over and you will be left with the broken fences to mend, the washing to retrieve and wash again, the children to soothe and cuddle back to sleep. And you will manage it all because you are a motherfucking superhero flowers

MrsBennetsEldest Thu 16-Jan-14 07:43:47

You are everything Eirik just said.

I have found strength to deal with my own shitty situation by reading your posts. You are amazing. flowers

Deathwatchbeetle Thu 16-Jan-14 08:21:04

His mother might not have known/been unimpressed but why did she not ring you back if you had been ringing her? Surely just a call back to say yes he is here but doesn't want to speak to you would be better than you imagining all sorts.

If it was meit would suddenly not that convenient for her to see the children any time soon but then I can be utterly childish!

Princessdeb Thu 16-Jan-14 08:43:08

Dear Ohbyethen,

You are awesome! Courage isn't not being scared or sad or angry it's keeping going despite feeling like that. There are times when getting up in the morning, putting a smile (for smile read grimace) on your face and putting one foot in front of the other takes more courage than anything else in the world. You are doing that every day, you arekeeping everything together for your DC's. In short you are amazing and just know that if right now you can't believe that everybody on MN believes it for you. Xx

Holdthepage Thu 16-Jan-14 09:02:37

Ohbyethen - I was hoping that your absence meant that you were working it out together & you were scared of facing the wrath of MN for TTBB(Taking The Bastard Back).

He sounds like a real prince & long term your life will be better without him, although I know it probably doesn't feel that way at the moment.

Enlisting the help of his DM is a really good idea. I know she is annoyed with him but if you can convince her that it would be helping you & your DC if she took him in, it would get rid him from your home.

Keep letting off steam on here, there are plenty of sympathetic strangers listening & wishing you well.

shoom Thu 16-Jan-14 09:16:51

Maybe it's time for working on the practical stuff- talk to solicitors, get info about both your assets and income etc. Take control.

Then have an ice-cream party.

thanks

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