I know lots of people on here have less than ideal relationships with either one or both of their parents on here. Many have gone NC. As my Dm is my main confidante, I feel it's the only place I can ask. Obviously I can't ask her.
As a child and teen I have resented my Df for various reasons. I always, upon reflection, put this down to my own self importance or some sort of indulgent fantasy that he wasn't nice (when in fact he was 'normal' and 'nice').
As a "proper adult", now, though (23) I am starting to think maybe I was on to something. For the last year or so I've grown more and more convinced that, actually, maybe he isn't great. And maybe just because he's my dad, he doesn't have to be. Though, obviously, that would be simpler. A bit of me is still nagging myself about the fact that I'm being hypersensitive/touchy/neurotic about it, though. I am all of those things in general, unfortunately.
For context;
I love my Dm more than anything I care to think of, really. We are fairly similiar in lots of ways. They have been married over 25 years. A lot of the stuff that makes me angry at him is stuff he has or does do to her, not me:
-He does and says things that really upset my Dm. Little insensitive things. He never does much in the way of apologising, either.
-He was the one to dish out 'discipline' in our childhoods (my Dm was physically and emotionally abused to extremes as a child so has never laid a finger on me). I resent the physical punishment
-He cheated on my Dm (she doesn't know that)
-He has never told me he loved me. But maybe that's a male thing? I don't know
-He neglects my mother completely for the computer/other hobbies
-He is still in contact with the "OW". Although he ended their affair some time ago.
-He has very little patience with me
-He belittles me
-He hits my dog despite me specifically telling him not to
I know they all look like pathetic things (except the cheating, obviously) but they really grate on me. I know he isn't a horrible abusive man and I suppose nobody is perfect, but I can't help growing cold towards him. Do I risk ruining my parents' relationship by 'holding on' to these things?
I live with them. That's probably relevant too. I have recently split up with a Dp of 3.5 years so have probably been clinging to my mum a bit. And been ready to be more critical of other men (ExDp serial liar/cheater). Maybe it's jealousy because I have to share Dm with him? I don't know. I think the fact that his mother (who I was close to) was left for the 'OW' also makes things worse. I feel like his poor treatment of my Dm is an insult to his own mother (whose death I have never really come to terms with). And that he should know perfectly well how it feels to be a young adult with a cheating father!
So I suppose my question is...am I being a bit unreasonable in thinking so badly of my Df or am I just beginning to see him for what he is, now I'm a "grown up"?
The guilt of thinking that I am being unnecessarily critical of my Df is eating away at me. Today he called me pathetic and my response was to sit in a wardrobe crying for 2 hours. I can't tell if I am truly being upset by mean behaviour or if I am just being way too sensitive (either way I was truly upset) and need to get a grip and cut him some slack. My dm came up and told me to take no notice, etc. Obviously he didn't acknowledge anything was wrong.
Thanks for reading. Deep breath.
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When did crap parents come up on your radar....
10 replies
Dirtybadger · 28/12/2013 01:15
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