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Angry, confused, upset, depressed OH and more.... Warning TMI & long but please read......

(43 Posts)
Leadballoonlove Fri 27-Dec-13 09:33:15

Where to start, basically been with Oh for two years, living together for 20 months so things moved fast we knew each other as friends before and when my relationship with my DCs dad broke down we became close and a few months later started our relationship. We are very happy in general engaged and I want to spend my life with him BUT
He's severely depressed has been for years is on the highest dose possible (375mg) of the strongest anti depressant avaliable (after months of pushing him and him pushing the doc he's finally on the road to the help he needs, CBT and counselling)
His depression means we are very rarely intimidate (or so I thought it was down to depression, more coming up)
We speak about it and he says he just doesn't feel 'sexual' or horny. And that in no way is it me it him his mind and his anxiety also he struggles to 'finish' because of the meds. I've been fine with it and supported him and first I used to get very frustrated and show my frustration now I know not to and I don't make and moves on him as I wouldn't wan him to feel bad saying no to me. Been like this for most of the relationship.
Fast forward to Christmas Day this year and we had a great day he cooked the dinner but was drinking Buck's Fizz/wine and port so was pretty drunk by 2pm (he literally never drinks I've seen him drunk twice in the two years we've been together) so anyway I took my kids to their dads around 3pm arriving home at 5pm walk in to hear him snoring although he said he wouldn't go to sleep I knew he would as he was drunk. Was upstairs to find him on the bed (TMI!!!!!) phone on his chest with porn hub up and a sock on his manhood (apparently it's something he does to avoid the mess) anyway so I went mad tipped his wine on his head screamed at him that he was selfish and had ruined Xmas. He then explained that he was apparently "testing to see if he could get it up so he could ravage me when I returned home" but it didn't work. I was fine. Although annoyed he was watching porn. So I tried to forget it and just enjoy the day we spent the evening with my family where he got more drunk. The next day boxin day (yesterday) getting ready go to out I go round his side of the bed to shut the window and there's 6!!!! Man socks completely "used" if you get what Mean. Didn't say anything until evening when I told him
I'd seen them he tried to deny it until I said just be honest for once and he just said I'm sorry. Had a chat told him I'm upset he would rather DIY than have sex with me and he literally twisted it round onto me saying it wasn't like that, he hates himself, in no way did he enjoy it (although it was all obviously with porn) and it was all just testing to see if he "worked" to then wait for me (utter BS if you ask me) and went to far and finished on his own. So basically I'm just really upset that it looks to me like he does indeed feel sexual but just doesn't want it with me. My self confidence is pretty low as it is. His depression is the biggest factor in all of this and I'm trying so hard to support him. He can be hard work with it where he disappears into the bedroom for hours coz he's down or just doesn't speak to me. I try and support him but I'm getting down myself. I've had the odd thought of can I do this forever but he's like my drug I just can't get enough of him however much he upsets me of makes me angry or leaves me extremely frustrated
Also he works full time and can put a "mask" on at work for his depression. And I'm not sure how that works?

I'm so sorry it's so long I literally have no where else to write this down and needed to for my own sanity.

Leadballoonlove Fri 27-Dec-13 10:54:00

Found it. That makes or interesting reading, had a quick scan over and I guess I do kind of believe I can love him
Into changing but what good is that to me in the meantime :-( so so confused and upset

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Fri 27-Dec-13 11:00:05

He would rather wank into socks six times than be intimate with you.

You would rather live with a man who wants you to clear up his wanky socks than be a single woman.

Strange choices op- and they are choices.

myroomisatip Fri 27-Dec-13 11:11:28

Maybe I am cynical in my old age but when you mention he takes himself off to the bedroom when he is getting snappy... makes me inclined to think he is indulging in Porn. Depression is a useful excuse!

Leadballoonlove Fri 27-Dec-13 11:16:35

He could very well be doing that when taking himself off but I doubt he would do it with myself and the kids in the house it's when I go out and he's home alone (I drop off the kids to their dad most of the time he has them and spend time with my mum or shop alone) he has plenty of opportunities to DIY and indulge in porn sad

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Fri 27-Dec-13 11:59:42

"he says he just doesn't feel 'sexual' or horny. And that in no way is it me it him his mind and his anxiety also he struggles to 'finish' because of the meds."

So you know now that he is a liar, right. He just can't be arsed to have sex.

Buzzardisnotina4birdroast Fri 27-Dec-13 12:11:54

He also throws a pity party when you confront him so that you will shut up...nice.

He is manipulating you.

HissymasJumper Fri 27-Dec-13 12:48:31

6 socks ffs. Has he no shame at all in being that fucking slovenly as to leave them for you to find/clear up ffs?

He's a pig!

His depression is irrelevant, it's probably a self inflicted state to keep you trapped with him. he's bloody revolting!

LittleBabyPigsus Sun 29-Dec-13 02:34:23

Depression isn't self-inflicted and depression and meds can have a terrible effect on sex drive and performance. That's well-known fact. HOWEVER - depression also makes you lose perspective and therefore can make you a horrible horrible person to be around. The used socks for you to pick up is not OK. Hating yourself is definitely an aspect of depression and that affects how you want to interact with others. It makes you not want to be around others, not only because you are down but because you don't want to bring the other person down. Using porn rather than sex with a person seems like it might be part of this. However it's not a reason to treat the other person badly and callously. He has been selfish and hurtful and he needs to see that. You need to sit him down and explain what you need. When you've been depressed a long time, sometimes recovery seems so scary (because you would have to do so much that you're out of practice with) that there's a kind of block there regarding getting better. CBT and counselling will help with that a great deal - how long has he to wait before that's available?

It might be worth looking around for sex therapists who have experience of depression affecting marriages and sex drives.

He is genuinely ill but he also has to work towards his recovery if he's to keep you. He needs something to fight for, and you need to get him to fight for you. Best of luck, and if nothing still changes then don't feel guilty about leaving. I have had clinical depression for years but have had to end friendships with other people with depression and other mental health issues - sometimes, it just isn't worth the damage to your own mental health.

cjel Sun 29-Dec-13 09:51:56

If he has been like this about sex all through your relationship and claims he can't - now you find he clearly can is he hiding that he is gay?

Leadballoonlove Sun 29-Dec-13 10:54:54

Thanks little baby &

I don't think he's gay I think he's lazy I think it much quicker and less effort to just have a wank into a sock rather than full sex with me or having to look after me to so to speak although when we do he's never selfish and does make sure I have a good time. At the beginning we couldn't get enough of each other and now I still can't get enough of him but it feels like he just can't be arsed to do the deed. The other night when I confronted him about the socks he claimed it was just testing to see if it worked I know do not beeline that at all as their was six used socks and he can't of been hoarding them for that long as we've not long swapped bedrooms with DS probably 5 months ago. we have sex from anything between 4-8 weeks longest we've been is 10 weeks
My problem is now I'm thinking he's using his depression as a scape goat, I confront him he brings on the tears and says I hate myself, I'm ashamed. Blah blah. How can I confront him again without being too harsh? If I say I think he's using his depression as an excuse he is going to go into self destruct he's so close to the point of giving he's even told doctors he has thought and planned how he would kill himself. Says I'm the only one stopping him which is kind of a emotional blackmail but I'm stuck in the hole now sad so confused and dunno what to do. I'm about to look into some couples counselling

What you need to do is get rid of this man and get some counselling or therapy for yourself. You are clearly desperate not to be single, which is very unhealthy and will lead to one shit relationship after another. You are not responsbiel for Mr Wanksock, who basically wants a nurse/housekeeper and to present the appearance of a coupled-up man but doesn't care about you as an individual human being.

cjel Sun 29-Dec-13 12:37:34

I'd be tempted to say that now he clearly knows it works what is his next excuse? Its time to be a bit firmer and challenge him a bit more. He won't kill himself, all the tears and drama are just a distraction to keep you from the truth.

I'm thinking he's using his depression as a scape goat, I confront him he brings on the tears and says I hate myself, I'm ashamed. Blah blah

Yes exactly. Well done for spotting it. It's manipulation, pure and simple.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Sun 29-Dec-13 17:07:55

If you are happy in a sexless relationship with a weepy, drinking fella who disappears for hours and wanks in a sock then this is the man for you.

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay Sun 29-Dec-13 17:30:29

My take on this is that you don't even know this person. You appear to only know him as a person on antidepressents but that person is probably ten country miles from the person when not on drugs.
I have had experience of getting to know someone and being friendly for two years not realising they were on Paroxetine. That person changed over the space of a short while and I discovered during that time they had come off the drug and I found the 'real' personality unbearable which was sad. Take care is all I'm saying. You may think you are with Dr.Jekyll when he is actually Mr.Hyde.

LittleBabyPigsus Mon 30-Dec-13 08:22:33

Leadballoonlove suicide threats = classic emotional abuse. Totally unacceptable. From the perspective of someone with long-term depression and resulting sex issues, I would leave. The manipulation is completely unacceptable and is not an aspect of depression.

{{{un-mumsnetty hugs}}}

You deserve someone who loves you enough not to emotionally abuse you.

cjel Mon 30-Dec-13 08:38:18

Morning, How are things today?x

Dinnae IME being on paraxatine allows my 'real' personality to shine through.

OP, you can't let him blackmail you emotionally over this. If he actually threatens suicide, do not hestitate to contact police on 101, or 999 if he is in a total state.

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