Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Angry, confused, upset, depressed OH and more.... Warning TMI & long but please read......

(43 Posts)
Leadballoonlove Fri 27-Dec-13 09:33:15

Where to start, basically been with Oh for two years, living together for 20 months so things moved fast we knew each other as friends before and when my relationship with my DCs dad broke down we became close and a few months later started our relationship. We are very happy in general engaged and I want to spend my life with him BUT
He's severely depressed has been for years is on the highest dose possible (375mg) of the strongest anti depressant avaliable (after months of pushing him and him pushing the doc he's finally on the road to the help he needs, CBT and counselling)
His depression means we are very rarely intimidate (or so I thought it was down to depression, more coming up)
We speak about it and he says he just doesn't feel 'sexual' or horny. And that in no way is it me it him his mind and his anxiety also he struggles to 'finish' because of the meds. I've been fine with it and supported him and first I used to get very frustrated and show my frustration now I know not to and I don't make and moves on him as I wouldn't wan him to feel bad saying no to me. Been like this for most of the relationship.
Fast forward to Christmas Day this year and we had a great day he cooked the dinner but was drinking Buck's Fizz/wine and port so was pretty drunk by 2pm (he literally never drinks I've seen him drunk twice in the two years we've been together) so anyway I took my kids to their dads around 3pm arriving home at 5pm walk in to hear him snoring although he said he wouldn't go to sleep I knew he would as he was drunk. Was upstairs to find him on the bed (TMI!!!!!) phone on his chest with porn hub up and a sock on his manhood (apparently it's something he does to avoid the mess) anyway so I went mad tipped his wine on his head screamed at him that he was selfish and had ruined Xmas. He then explained that he was apparently "testing to see if he could get it up so he could ravage me when I returned home" but it didn't work. I was fine. Although annoyed he was watching porn. So I tried to forget it and just enjoy the day we spent the evening with my family where he got more drunk. The next day boxin day (yesterday) getting ready go to out I go round his side of the bed to shut the window and there's 6!!!! Man socks completely "used" if you get what Mean. Didn't say anything until evening when I told him
I'd seen them he tried to deny it until I said just be honest for once and he just said I'm sorry. Had a chat told him I'm upset he would rather DIY than have sex with me and he literally twisted it round onto me saying it wasn't like that, he hates himself, in no way did he enjoy it (although it was all obviously with porn) and it was all just testing to see if he "worked" to then wait for me (utter BS if you ask me) and went to far and finished on his own. So basically I'm just really upset that it looks to me like he does indeed feel sexual but just doesn't want it with me. My self confidence is pretty low as it is. His depression is the biggest factor in all of this and I'm trying so hard to support him. He can be hard work with it where he disappears into the bedroom for hours coz he's down or just doesn't speak to me. I try and support him but I'm getting down myself. I've had the odd thought of can I do this forever but he's like my drug I just can't get enough of him however much he upsets me of makes me angry or leaves me extremely frustrated
Also he works full time and can put a "mask" on at work for his depression. And I'm not sure how that works?

I'm so sorry it's so long I literally have no where else to write this down and needed to for my own sanity.

MyBachisworsethanmybite Fri 27-Dec-13 09:40:06

No advice but really - 6 used socks?? Can the man not even work the washing machine?

IamGluezilla Fri 27-Dec-13 09:45:23

What do your children see/hear of this?

daiseehope Fri 27-Dec-13 09:47:35

Hello, obviously depression is different for everyone but yes generally sex drive goes down. Can you give him the chance to be honest? Do you have any kids, if not you may need a good think if he's not willing to be honest xx

TheCrumpetQueen Fri 27-Dec-13 09:48:25

Seems like he has a porn addiction but is using his meds as an excuse not to have real sex.

I would be gutted. He needs to be honest and seek help and stop using porn.

Hawkmoth Fri 27-Dec-13 09:48:59

Yes he's lying to you. Yes, if you are the only one he is awful to it is abuse. No, you are not responsible for his happiness and if you want to leave, then do so.

Leadballoonlove Fri 27-Dec-13 09:49:08

The children don't see or hear much, the odd bickering argument, he's very good with both my kids he knows if he is getting snappy he takes himself away. It's like a mask he can put on for kids family friends people and work and the public (public facing job) yet can't with me

I know 6!!! I left them out n he said "oh you left the out for me to see" no I left them out so you can put them in the wash!!!

IamGluezilla Fri 27-Dec-13 09:49:26

Actually, the whole thing sounds like an utterly bullshit relationship. What on earth is going on in your head that this is OK?

Beccawoo Fri 27-Dec-13 09:52:31

Lead balloon, my DP has anxiety and has tried lots of different meds for it - most had the same sexual affects you describe, not feeling horny at all, not being able to finish if we did get that far! It left me feeling unwanted and unsexy, he didnt even give me a kiss and cuddle as emotionally it just didn't dawn on him to. He is a lovely and affectionate man and I know this is 100% down to the meds! but knowing this doesn't make you feel any less frustrated and unloved. Eventually I pushed him to go back to the doctor, and within a couple of weeks of changing meds, our sex life is great again. There are a lot of different options out there and he should speak to the dr about these very common sexual side effects.

As to the socks etc, can't comment, but it is up to you whether you believe him. It is hard work being a relationship with someone with depression, and is up to you how much of that you want to take on. Good luck x

Leadballoonlove Fri 27-Dec-13 09:53:10

I can't leave I'm so deeply in love with him that "sorry" seems ok and I just forget (try to) and move on but this is Hurting the fact he lies about it but he twists it and then makes me feel bad. The tears came out yesterday he said I have no idea how much he hates himself, sorry for everything and sorry for even being alive :-/ he says all he wants is for us to have a normal relationship so I'm hoping he means it and can get the help. I need to stop being such a push over tho because when he does want it h starts it because I never do as I'm too worried about upsetting him and he gets it I can't ever say no as I'm so desperate and know it will be another 4-8 weeks until the next time :-(

Yes, depressed people can put on a mask for work. But doing so usually means that they become more depressed outside work, as it is an effort to fake it which takes it out of them even more.

Re the sex: your frustration is helping you stay addicted. Can you manage to talk about sex with him? Does he want PIV with you? Can you do other satisfying things to each other without PIV, at least to start?

Buzzardisnotina4birdroast Fri 27-Dec-13 09:53:58

It is obvious that he is not telling you the truth. It sounds like he just cba to do real sex as masturbation is quick and easy. Leaving his sank socks for you to deal with is incredibly selfish and thoughtless and that should give you enough incite into how he regards you.

You both need a proper grown up conversation. You don't have to accept porn in your relationship, especially instead of intimacy. Its your choice.

HissymasJumper Fri 27-Dec-13 09:54:12

He left wanksocks. 6 of them.

I'd never be able to shag a man that revolting ever again.

Bin him, he's not worth the effort.

Leadballoonlove Fri 27-Dec-13 09:56:16

At times I do think that it's bullshit but you can't help who you fall for and I'm waiting and hoping for a better future with him I cannot let him go sad

Leadballoonlove Fri 27-Dec-13 09:57:35

Sorry what's PIV

HissymasJumper Fri 27-Dec-13 09:58:52

You can leave.

You are not 'so deeply in love'

You jumped from a sitty relationship with your ex to this bloke as if he were a lifeboat.

That's fine/understandable, but it means that this bloke is ONLY your method of escape, he's not your destination.

It's not working, not at all.

You wish it was, hence you keep banging on to yourself that you're deeply in love with him.

You're in love with the idea of being in love. You think that if you love him enough, he'll love you back, he'll be the man you wish he was.

But he isn't that man, never was, and probably won't be - hence his hideous depression. Subconsciously perhaps he knows he's not up to it.

Set yourself free, and him too.

Find yourself and find your forever man. This guy's not it.

BonaDrag Fri 27-Dec-13 10:03:21

What on earth are you getting out of this relationship?

The crunchy socks littering the bedroom floor is the least of it. He sounds like a lot of effort for very little reward. That's not how good relationships are.

If you must stay with him, you will get used to it, and that's the saddest part of all.

Leadballoonlove Fri 27-Dec-13 10:03:51

But should you leave someone because of their depression?
What you've said there has honestly made me think but shouldn't I help and support not run and make him worse?

BonaDrag Fri 27-Dec-13 10:04:43

You can leave someone for whatever reason you want.

PIV=Penis in vagina.

How about giving your self a mental date to review the situation? He is getting help for his depression, which is a huge plus. How many has he tried? it isn't so much the strength as the match to one's physiology which seems to be important. He seems to be down on himself, not you, and takes himself off to avoid taking it out on the rest of you. All this seems to indicate to me that he is ill, not an underlying bastard.

Nottalotta Fri 27-Dec-13 10:17:31

I wouldn't believe him about the socks. Its clearly a fairly regular occurance. And the worst bit is that hes twisting it to try to make you feel bad. He didn't enjoy it? But did it 6 times? He needs to man up and be honest with you. Sounds like you have been more than supportive in this. He should trying to help himself, its not all down to you.

You wouldn't be leaving him because of his depression but because you aren't happy.

Leadballoonlove Fri 27-Dec-13 10:24:29

I don't believe him about the socks although he now thinks I do as when he started about hating himself and not wanting to do it and testing to see if it works I thought there's no way out of this ill just accept his apology but I really shouldn't have. How do you make someone tell you the truth? Surely he's made up this story and he's sticking to it. I don't think hes intentionally emotionally abusing me or being a bastard I Believe he is very ill and im happy he's taken the first steps to help
I need a long hard think about our relationship as a whole but I just can't see myself throwing it all away. So tough :-(

daiseehope Fri 27-Dec-13 10:29:23

thanks

HOMEQCRICH Fri 27-Dec-13 10:47:07

Look up florence nightingale on the baggage reclaim site

HOMEQCRICH Fri 27-Dec-13 10:48:22

I don't know how to post a link from my phone but putting the 2 terms in a search should bring it up

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now