Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Is physical attraction important?

(19 Posts)
Ghirly Fri 27-Dec-13 03:24:02

I've been single for 3 years - my last partner led a double life with another female all the time I was with him.
I recently had a 2 year 'thing' (don't count him as a bf as it never really was serious from his side) with a narcissist who left me broken but I've managed NC with him so I'm now ready for a new relationship.

I have four children (2 adults DCs and 2 younger ones) and I do think that puts a lot of men off to be honest.
I've recently become friendly with a guy who I have loads in common with, he is very keen to take me out but I'm not sure because I just don't fancy him. At all. Not one bit.

He is a lovely kind man and, to be honest, I'm quite lonely just now and would really like someone nice in my life.

Would it be doomed from the start because I feel no attraction to him? Or am I being shallow? After my past two partners I should appreciate a genuinely nice normal man...... Right?

Any advice would be appreciated, I'm very confused.

MillyChristmas Fri 27-Dec-13 03:34:44

Give him a chance. You might find that attraction grows. If he is different from your normal men and they turned out bad then this new man and this new situation you find yourself in might turn out great.

nuzzlepad Fri 27-Dec-13 07:42:18

I don't know. I met someone I thought was lovely and respectful but I wasn't attracted to him. I did give it a go and spend some time with him but there were too much differences and some alarm bells. I sometimes wonder if me not fancying pronounced them more.

You don't have to go out with someone you don't fancy. Like the mumsnet word, don't lower your standards. Meet someone you really fancy.

Joysmum Fri 27-Dec-13 07:49:50

My now husband and I were best mates from the age of 14/15. There was no physical attraction there.

Fast forward 6/7 years and our relationship changed and we got together.

So for me, the attraction came when the love came. Think about it, most people aren't stunningly good looking with bodies to die for so physical attraction comes with love. To put physical attraction ahead of love isn't the norm for most I don't think

nuzzlepad Fri 27-Dec-13 08:07:19

I have to say there were loads of differences between us in my case so it might be different in your case. You can go out with him but you don't have to say yes to a relationship when you don't fancy him just because he is nice.

tiamariaxxx Fri 27-Dec-13 08:28:39

Looks will fade, personality lasts grin

ALittleStranger Fri 27-Dec-13 08:33:10

What do you mean when you say you don't fancy him at all? Is it just that nothing stirs, or do you find him unpleasant to look at? Does the idea of him touching you leave you passive or do you flinch?

jonicomelately Fri 27-Dec-13 08:39:23

Don't go out with him if you feel sorry for him, or because you are grateful that he asked you out or because you feel lonely.

However;

Give him a chance. Attraction can grow and is more complicated than how somebody looks. There may be something about this person that surprises you and which could lead to attraction and eventually even love. I think you should remember that lots of people fall into the trap of believing the Hollywood myth that when you meet somebody there is an instant attraction and everybody lives happily ever after. That can happen but equally people find their first experience of the love of their life very different.

Ghirly Fri 27-Dec-13 10:42:02

Thankyou for all the replies.
In answer to ALittleStranger if I was being honest - and I feel awful saying this - I find him a bit unpleasant to look at.
I'm not saying for one second that I'm Miss World or anything but I just don't find this guy attractive in the slightest. Just not my type, looks-wise.
I feel so so bad now. sad

JaceyBee Fri 27-Dec-13 11:03:25

I disagree actually. I wouldn't go out with someone I didn't fancy. It is sooooo important that there is chemistry and great sex, and I doubt I would have that with someone I didn't fancy at all. Hold out for someone you do have a spark with.

ALittleStranger Fri 27-Dec-13 11:05:38

You shouldn't feel bad. We can't make ourselves attracted to someone, even if they are a nice guy. But I think the strength of your reaction says it's not a go-er. Genuine sparks can grow from indifference but it sounds like you'd be flogging a dead horse.

Squeegle Fri 27-Dec-13 11:09:39

I met a guy online dating. Enjoyed his company but didn't fancy him. Went out a few times, I was quite honest with him, said I like him but didn't fancy him. He was quite happy to go out on that basis every now and again.

One day it suddenly hit me that I fancied him! Don't know why, wasn't even drunk!! We DTD, I still really fancy him. Don't know where it's all going; there are a lot of differences. But all I am saying is really that attraction can grow, so worth giving him a bit if a chance? No risk really as long as you are fair to him and are honest about your feelings.

pictish Fri 27-Dec-13 11:14:05

I don't think you really need anyone in your life right now. It doesn't have to be narcissistic bastard, or guy you can't bear to have sex with but will keep you company.
Neither of them are any good for you.
Stay single, raise your standards, and keep looking.

BertieBowtiesAreCool Fri 27-Dec-13 11:18:12

Don't force it, definitely. If an attraction develops later, you'll know.

Ghirly Fri 27-Dec-13 11:33:28

Thankyou everyone. Much much appreciated.
pictish one of my closest friends says the same as you, that I just need to give myself time and find someone I really like.

I agree that attraction can grow, I'm just worried that as I don't find this guy remotely attractive that, as ALittleStranger said, I'd be flogging a dead horse.

scaevola Fri 27-Dec-13 11:35:23

Perhaps there's room in your life for him as a good friend.

RatherBeRiding Fri 27-Dec-13 11:45:07

It would be an absolute deal-breaker for me. A good sex life is vital for me so I could never be in a relationship with someone I didn't fancy the arse off, but everyone is different and it would all depend on what is important to you in a relationship..

Could be worth dating him for a bit to see if any sparks develop - that's happened to me before with someone I wouldn't have looked at twice to begin with. But if the sparks don't come then it's probably a no-hoper.

Aquelven Fri 27-Dec-13 11:48:34

Would he agree to friendship for now? Just to see how things go. If you're both lonely, companionship shouldn't be under rated. It might develop into something else or you could both have found a good, lifelong friend. Close friends don't have to be the same sex.

Ghirly Fri 27-Dec-13 13:48:58

Yes we have lots of the same hobbies so I'll probably just decline the date but suggest we stay friends.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now