Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Why is my fiance so unkind?(77 Posts)
Really pissed of with fiance for being so consistently selfish. Been with him for 4 yrs , we live separately ( whole lotta issues there on his part ) and I have always had a lot of grief from his ex wife. For me being in a relationship is about sharing, being kind, supportive , loving and loyal to each other. For him it's about sex and what I can do for him financially or otherwise .We had a big discussion several months ago regarding him putting me ahead of his demanding ex after a particularly abusive situation from her and keeping me in the loop. So why is it that I have to find out even the most basic of things second hand and her needs always take priority. Been waiting all week for him to tell me that he's paid his Csa early at his ex wifes request but he's never said a word. I don't think ordinarily I would have minded but what's really got to me is that he owes me a large sum of money and not once out of common decency or manners did he run it past me or check that financially I was ok over Christmas. He always, always takes it for granted that I am ok. Never occurred to him that it was what two people in an adult relationship do. When I told him how upset I was and disappointed he told me I was over reacting and his ex wife had a lot of expense over Christmas and basically tough! Like the rest of don't have to budget all year round. Completely fed up with being treated as an afterthought , his constant need to pacify his ex and his sense of entitlement . I really don't feel that we are equal partners and his selfishness, immaturity and excuses for progressing our relationship forward all involve his ex wife. He thinks I am hung up on her but he makes it impossible when he encourages her ' might' in our relationship. If I am honest I love him to bits but feel i am suffocating under her weight. I don't expect him to move on from his lovely children but I am so bored of his inability to move on from his ex wife and his lack of ambition for us.
Maybe you should leave him. It doesn't sound like you are very happy.
Do you think he's using you for sex and money, reading that makes me think that he IS!
If he hasn't moved on now probably he never will. It isn't her that's suffocating you, it's the strong relationship she still has with your fiancé. You say you love him but you get nothing from him and his priority is the ex. Do you really need this?
I think you are focusing too much on his ex as a problem and minimising his role.
Read what you wrote about him, and remove all references to her and I think you know what you should do.
Guess what I want to hear is that he'll change, but deep down I don't think he will. At the moment he's got all the benefits of being with with someone that loves him deeply with none of the responsibility that comes with it. We could have an amazing life together but I know that unless he grows up emotionally it will just be amazingly poor.
It's a bitter pill to swallow, to admit what you already know to be true. But this guy is having his cake and eating it, how are YOU benefitting from him being in your life??
You already know the answer to this.
A year even two to sort his life out, but not four.
In your heart of hearts you know this isn't going to end the way you dreamed it would.
" for him, it's about sex and what I can do for him financially "
Why are you with this man? Tell me why he will make a great partner /husband and father to your[ future] children?
You can spend another 4 years waiting for him to change. Or he'll dump you and you'll wonder where your life has gone.
People never change. You know it deep down. He treats you as a second class citizen and as a cash cow, and keeps you dangling for four years. You have already wasted too much time, energy and money on him. Enough.
He is using his ex-wife as deflection, a shield as it were, so he doesnt have to get so close to you. He also uses her as a good reason for arguments, which comes down to the same thing really - if he's gaslighting you with her then that gets in the way of your closeness which then leads to arguments..all this putting you further & further away from being and living together in a committed relationship. Its very weak of him. & he's a user. Horrible to find out after so long..you must be feeling very hurt. But he has nothing to offer you really, he will keep putting his ex-wife into your relationship to cause discord, and its for his own ends...to lessen the chance of having to fully commit to you, including financial responsibility involved in making a home together. In 4 years time you will likely be in the exact same situation, having not progressed or moved forward in your relationship at all. He is very possibly a commitmentphobe. Even if you and he were to finish, he would probably aim to find another woman to provide him with the same sort of 'services', and gaslight her with his ex again. I hope you can find the strength to move on as this relationship is going nowhere - which is what he wants. Sorry.
Go now while you aren't tied even more so to him.
Just please, go.
There is much better out there for you than this.
The best advice I have ever seen on here and which proves itself every single time: When someone tells you what they are, listen. So buckle up, because this is going to sound very harsh...
This man is telling you what he is. He isn't living with you because he doesn't want to. He puts you second because he wants to prioritise his relationship with his ex-wife. He isn't considering your financial situation because he doesn't care enough about you. He is not going to change
My guess is that your engagement has come about as the result of you being unhappy with the lack of commitment on his part. As he is on to a good thing - sex on tap, no responsibilities and you lending him money when he wants it - he doesn't want to jeopardise that. Therefore the easiest solution is to propose marriage (assuming that he asked you?), which gives you just enough reassurance that he is 'serious', but still allows him to dangle you on a string. I'd lsay it's a fairly safe bet that the wedding will probably never happen. There will always be an excuse as to why getting married should be delayed - his children, pressure from work, money worries...
I know this hurts. But I also know that if you carry on then you are going to end up wasting years on this man, who is never going to be the partner that you want or deserve. He is never going to put you first and the longer that you stay with him, the more this will be reinforced - because you aren't putting yourself first, are you?
Finish things. Do you have any kind of written agreement or acknowledgement (emails, texts etc.) about you lending him money, which make it clear that it is a loan? If so, then I would email him reminding him of the agreement and requesting he advise you when he is going to pay the money back. If he refuses then I would look into taking it to the small claims court.
This sounds like a really bad relationship, however much you love him i know deep down you must know your only going to get hurt? Im all for second chances but if youve been with him 4 years and this is what hes been like all this time i cant see him changing or if t does it wont be permanent.
You don't "love him to bits", you're used to being with him and can't imagine a life with out him. Try though, it would be brilliant.
I see no evidence that you could have an "amazing" life with this selfish wanker. I see no evidence that he loves you. Please stop wasting your time and your emotional energy. Being with this guy is preventing you from finding someone who will cherish you.
Leave him now. He is an arse and will not change
Some comments based on things from your OP
For him it's about sex and what I can do for him financially or otherwise Yes I think you are right here.
he owes me a large sum of money and not once out of common decency or manners did he run it past me or check that financially I was ok over Christmas. What about checking you are ok or paying you back first out of "love."? What you are asking for (common decency about settling, prioritising or even acknowledging repaying a loan) - and not getting - is how normal people would treat a stranger.
He always, always takes it for granted that I am ok. Never occurred to him that it was what two people in an adult relationship do. That's because he doesn't love you and is not in an adult relationship with you, he is just using you for sex and money, as you have already noticed.
Completely fed up with being treated as an afterthought , his constant need to pacify his ex and his sense of entitlement. I don't blame you. He sounds awful.
I really don't feel that we are equal partners That's because you are not.
He thinks I am hung up on her No, he is. But you know that.
If I am honest I love him to bits Seriously? For the love of God, WHY? You are aware he is unkind, is using you for sex and money, is hung up on his ex wife, and that you are not an equal partner. Just why are you still there?
Never marry a man that is unkind.
I never usually post on these types of threads but please dump him and start 2014 single.
I am sorry to say but Mistressdeesee is spot on with her post.
Another question op - do you know his ex? I mean, do you speak to her directly, take phone calls from her, meet her when she drops off the kids? Or are you just going on what your fiancé tells you about her?
What do his friends and family say to you about their relationship?
Does she know you are engaged?
How do you think he would react if you ended the relationship?
Would he come running after you, would he promise you your dreams - and make them happen? would he perdue you for 4 years?
Join the discussion
Please login first.