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Acts by DH that make me want to LTB, wwyd?

(47 Posts)
stripeylion3 Thu 26-Dec-13 03:07:32

Has told me recently that I mean nothing to him.

Smokes around the DCs, DS2 is a chronic asthmatic, has been hospitalised many times.

Refuses to close toilet door after 20 mins in there, or to spray with air freshened as DDs bedroom door is adjacent. These last two I've been asking and explaining for years and still won't cooperate on a regular basis.

When I'm talking to him he stares at my stomach (Sz 12) to give me a complex.

Contributes one quarter of the rent and nothing else to the household financially.

Has been out of work for over three years. Has had four jobs in that time that he's sacked from in a month.

Whenever I try to talk about practical issues he says he will get work but never does.

Thinks its not his job to buy our DS a pair of thongs,

Loaned massive amounts of money off my Dad for himself and has no intention of paying it back.

Thinks nothing of lettingy patents pay for everything for DCs past what I can manage.

Has decided to apply for a disability pension for an injury that's 20 years old.

Has sadistically beaten me once 8 years ago (I left) and once more not so bad last year.

Has been super dad this month as he has clued on that I'm done.

There's more will post again soon ��.

NatashaBee Thu 26-Dec-13 03:11:38

I don't think you need to post any more for people to tell you you should have LTB a very long time ago. The smoking around DS with asthma alone would be a deal breaker for me.

Roshbegosh Thu 26-Dec-13 03:11:40

Well what do you think?
You get one life and you are spending it with him? Why?

AlfAlf Thu 26-Dec-13 03:15:59

Just the smoking around an asthmatic child, for that alone, please just LTB already. He's abusing you, he's endangering the dc, he contributes virtually nothing, he's a waster and a pisstaker, he's ripping off your dad. Imagine if your dc grow up thinking that's all cool, and shack up with someone just like him? That is not the example you want to set for them.
I would definitely LTB.

stripeylion3 Thu 26-Dec-13 03:21:31

I am leaving, I am just torn by the effect it will have on dS2 in particular and the other two DC. He never leaves the house except for roughly 12 hrs a week while DC at school. So they will feel it massively.

DH will turn full violent stalker and is a pro at manipulation and will try to take DC from school.

Just apprehensive for the day it goes down ��

stripeylion3 Thu 26-Dec-13 03:24:44

He plays with the DCs very well, that's the extent of his provision so they will hate me for taking away their Dad/ playmate.

NigellasDealer Thu 26-Dec-13 03:27:31

well i hope you can work something out to prevent that or at least minimise risks.
but as for the effect that it would have on the DC....from what you say surely the effect of him staying would be worse?

Wishfulmakeupping Thu 26-Dec-13 03:29:57

You are doing the right thing OP. Have you made a form plan? (Don't put it here just in case) but go through in your mind how it will work out.
I'm guessing financially most things in your name only? Has he got access to any of your money joint accounts Etc start movibg money elsewhere now.
You and dc will be happier without him pulling you down

stripeylion3 Thu 26-Dec-13 03:34:13

There's no money or house to split. I have a place to go with DC. I want to make this an amicable split but it won't go that way. I want him to see DC but he is totally dependant on me and will have to find sewhere to live. He's been depressed for years and has no family or friends.

PeanutPatty Thu 26-Dec-13 03:40:27

I think you already know that you must LTB. The only real question is when.

In time your children will see him for what he really is and will thank you.

Please stay safe. He sounds like a dangerous man.

That sounds like a shit situation. I'm glad you are leaving.

Children grow up and they can see people for who they are, even if it is hard in the short term.

stripeylion3 Thu 26-Dec-13 04:02:45

Thank you so much. I know I have to do it. Yesterday he made such an effort for Christmas Day that I almost changed my mind, but I know it for what it is, it won't last.

He is dangerous and I am scared. Think Passive Agressive with Narcissist tendencies, a gaslighting pro.

After 11 years and 3 DC and struggling to make it all lovely I am worn out, sad. Embarrassed, although strangely confident of making a go of it without him. I am pretty sure it will become his life's ambition to teach me a lesson if I leave.

There are lots of resources to help you when you leave. Womens aid for a start but there are lots of websites with information too. Don't make it easy for him to 'teach you a lesson'. Do you have much RL support?

You have no reason to be embarrassed. Read the OP. It's him that should be embarrassed.

Roshbegosh Thu 26-Dec-13 04:15:36

Yes he has shown you that he is dangerous but that is a reason to leave, not stay. You must involve the police if necessary.

stripeylion3 Thu 26-Dec-13 04:34:00

Thank you. I have talked with all the relevant resource people.
Until orders from the court are in place he has parental rights too and will move heaven and earth to take possession of DCs as he is going to say he is the primary caregiver as he wants the benefits that come with them.

stripeylion3 Thu 26-Dec-13 04:38:40

In past dealings with the police and court he comes across as reasonable and I look like the unstable one.
He always acts calm and controlled and other people think he's charming.

One of the first red flags for me should have been how he can act like nothing untoward is going on to others when massive emotional conflict is going on, for me anyway.

Roshbegosh Thu 26-Dec-13 04:45:57

You can divorce him and sort the children out without a competition on who is least stable. Keep calm and dignified, he will drive you crazy if you try to show his true colours. Don't worry about what people think of him or you, just focus on what you want to achieve.

stripeylion3 Thu 26-Dec-13 04:58:36

Rosh, god willing, I hope to achieve that. It's just that if I take the children until court orders are in place, if the police get involved he will convince them that I have taken his children and he has a right to have them back.

Roshbegosh Thu 26-Dec-13 05:07:34

I take it you never recorded the violence with your dr or the police.

I am not an expert but however charming he is surely the police won't swoop in a remove your children from you. I hope you have a decent lawyer and it would be helpful if some posters gave advice.

Try not to let him frighten you now. He will unleash as much mayhem as he can but if you think about it, what is he without you?

raisah Thu 26-Dec-13 05:12:00

Speak to womens' aid and start laying plans for a healthy and happy future with your children. They have experience in this kind of thing and can advise you on how to win custody of your kids.

Contact a good family solicitor as the first half an hour will be free.

raisah Thu 26-Dec-13 05:12:51
Lizzabadger Thu 26-Dec-13 06:08:20

Yes do contact Women's Aid for advice about how to leave this situation as safely as possible. Don't let him know your intentions. Act normal. Stay safe.

stripeylion3 Thu 26-Dec-13 06:49:57

The first violent (v.bad) episode I left, it all went through the family court. The second time I went to the doctors who recorded it. The records can be obtained via subpoena only.

Without me he is nothing (hollow laugh), but desperate people do desperate things and all that.

Sorry for sounding obstructive but I have been going around and around and around in my head for so long now and feel like I am begging the question for a tragedy to occur.

wherethewildthingis Thu 26-Dec-13 07:14:55

Leave him, and be very very careful about allowing him to see the children. He sounds dangerous, and the type of man who would harm them to get to you.

Vivacia Thu 26-Dec-13 07:58:13

Why are you aiming for an amicable split? Given your concerns I think you should be aiming for an organised, controlled, assertive and safe split.

You say there is no house to split and you're moving out. What will happen to the house you're currently in?

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