Need perspective. Is it me overreacting?

[GooseRocks]

So I read text on DH's phone from a woman he works with sent after works night out "Sorry I didn't say goodbye, you were slow dancing with X and I didn't want to interrupt. [Wink]"

The woman he was dancing with was his ex-girlfriend. A big deal at the time although it was a long time ago. They work in the same organisation but different departments.

I asked him about his night out. Who was there etc.. He named everyone except her. Told him I'd read the text. He said it was nothing etc... So why I do feel absolutely gutted?

His colleagues all know they used to go out. I feel so humiliated. And I'm not OK with him still having feelings for her. Though he says he doesn't. They're not having an affair and I've never had reason to doubt him.

I don't really know what to do. I may well be completely overreacting but I feel massively hurt and let down. Would appreciate opinions and no one I can ask in real life.

[GooseRocks]

He said he didn't think it would be a problem. And yet he was aware enough not to tell me she'd been there. I sincerely hope he would not be so lacking in awareness he would have danced with her if I was there. I'm dwelling on it. I know I am. Did he ask her to dance? I asked him but didn't realise til later that he'd avoided answering. Is it pathetic that it matters to me?

[MillyChristmas]

It matters because it's inappropriate behaviour and a bit suspicious

[GooseRocks]

Thank you. Yes it is isn't? Was starting to doubt myself given that he "can't believe I'm so upset about it". She came up in conversation a few months ago. I said she was looking old (bitchy I know..she's ten years older than me). His response - "Yeah but she's got a great body" She has BTW. No kids while I look like the mother that I am.
God I could punch him.

[HandbagCrazy]

If the dance was genuinely not a big deal then he would have mentioned it to you when telling you about the evening. I personally would find that unsettling but the wink at the end of the message you read would worry me more - slow dancing ;) could mean anything. And if he's avoiding answering questions, it seems more suspicious.
Why doesn't he want to reassure you? I think you should ask him about it after you've had some sleep. Ask one question and wait for a satisfactory answer before asking another, and don't get distracted by the "I went out with her ages ago" defence.

[BitOfFunWithSanta]

I might be out of date here, but as far as I remember, you only slow dance with someone you want to snog/have a grope of etc. Totally inappropriate.

I'd be fucking gutted and really angry.

Not only did he slow dance with her, but he concealed the fact. There's no way it meant nothing- you wouldn't slow dance with ANYBODY unless you were planning to cop off. I mean honestly, if it was just a friendly thing, it would only have been a spot of dad-dancing, wouldn't it?

[GooseRocks]

Oldbag yes that's it exactly. And I feel so sad. Revelation was on Monday so have had a few days to think about it. Although time alone to talk limited by guests and kids.

He is such a dependable bloke. He really is. But I know he's a total flirt. And though I'm choosing to believe him that nothing happened I don't believe that he's being truthful either.

Not angry just feel really down and like my confidence has been knocked. We're being very civil. Tonight though he's decided to sleep in the other room and i'm not sure why I didn't ask him to. What's that about??

[AnuvvaMuvva]

Has he slept in there before?

[GooseRocks]

Yes Bitoffun I agree re the slow dancing. He says he wasn't and that was just his colleague being daft. Really? About this woman in particular? I just don't believe him. I think it was his colleague fishing to find out if anything happened. He says I can ask her. Not bloody likely. I'd be the talk of the place.

[BitOfFunWithSanta]

What a weaselly move for him to sleep in the spare room, as though he is cross with you .

He should be grovelling an apology to you.

[GooseRocks]

No Anuva. He has very strong views about sleeping in separate bedrooms. Slippery slope and all that so not even after a row. Never. In 18 years. He made out like i wanted him to but i hadn't actually said that. Has he decided to punish me for not believing him or is he feeling guilty? Had to stop myself from fetching him through.

[GooseRocks]

And now I can't sleep. Thank you all so much for posting. I have literally no one I can talk to and I feel so lonely. It really does help.

[BitOfFunWithSanta]

He's manipulating you into backing off. He's totally in the wrong, but wants to either a) not admit it to you because he's up to know good (awful), or b) not admit it to himself because he doesn't want to acknowledge his lack of integrity (bad, but possibly salvageable if you talk properly and he comes clean).

[GooseRocks]

It does feel like he's trying to take control.

I can't begin to imagine how you come to trust someone again when they've let you down. I don't think I can do it. The alternative is just unthinkable though.

[FreakinAllAboutSugar]

It's not your job to come to trust him again, Goose. He should be the one going out of his way to reassure you, not punishing you for speaking up by flouncing off to the spare room.

Please try and get some sleep, don't give him the satisfaction of knowing that his adolescent strop has upset you. Tomorrow, when you're both calm, I would offer him one chance to come clean about anything he hasn't been telling you. If he continues to deny or to deflect onto you, then in your place I would be reconsidering whether I could stay with him. Nothing is unthinkable, no matter how long it's been.

[GooseRocks]

Yes Bitof the latter I think. We're really terrible at discussing anything remotely controversial. He's really stubborn and it will without doubt end in a big shouting match which I have so far managed to avoid. He'll try and make out I'm being absurd. I don't think I can move on without knowing the full story and unfortunately for him I know him to well to be fobbed off. I need to know if it was indeed a slow dance (hate that term - so cheesy) and who asked who? What else??

[BitOfFunWithSanta]

*no good, typo, sorry.

Yes, you need to talk, and don't let him stalk off. Just ask questions and leave calm silences.

[BohemianGirl]

Why were you going through his phone?

If you have a trust issue, then the dancing/party/test isnt the real issue is it?

[Joysmum]

What he has in effect done is lied through omission.

Why has he not told you? It's because he doesn't want you to find out.

Why doesn't he want you to find out? Because he knows he's done something he knows would hurt you.

Why has he done done something he had a choice about but knew would hurt you? Because he put what he wants to do above your needs. Can you trust anyone that has a history of putting their own wants above your needs?

[Anniegetyourgun]

I would have said it was the colleague teasing and/or reading too much into not very much, as they often do (I've been accused of "snogging" someone who gave me a quick peck on the cheek with his wife standing there!), if it weren't for the lying by omission bit. And now he's overreacting. That makes it sound a lot more suspicious.

[Thisisaghostlyeuphemism]

Yeah the colleagues text was v stirry - as we used to say.

I hope he is talking this morning and not pretending he is the wounded party- he isn't.

If he still refuses to discuss I would write down how you feel, what you need him to do and leave it in the spare room for him to read tonight.

[neiljames77]

Perhaps he didn't tell you his ex was there because he knew you'd be upset and anxious about him going. If he had told you, would you have told him that you didn't want him to go?