Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Need perspective. Is it me overreacting?

(47 Posts)
GooseRocks Thu 26-Dec-13 00:55:46

So I read text on DH's phone from a woman he works with sent after works night out "Sorry I didn't say goodbye, you were slow dancing with X and I didn't want to interrupt. [Wink]"

The woman he was dancing with was his ex-girlfriend. A big deal at the time although it was a long time ago. They work in the same organisation but different departments.

I asked him about his night out. Who was there etc.. He named everyone except her. Told him I'd read the text. He said it was nothing etc... So why I do feel absolutely gutted?

His colleagues all know they used to go out. I feel so humiliated. And I'm not OK with him still having feelings for her. Though he says he doesn't. They're not having an affair and I've never had reason to doubt him.

I don't really know what to do. I may well be completely overreacting but I feel massively hurt and let down. Would appreciate opinions and no one I can ask in real life.

neiljames77 Thu 26-Dec-13 09:11:21

Perhaps he didn't tell you his ex was there because he knew you'd be upset and anxious about him going. If he had told you, would you have told him that you didn't want him to go?

FolkGirl Thu 26-Dec-13 09:32:05

Quite possibly nj77, but that doesn't explain why he stropped off to sleep in another room...

Greenkit Thu 26-Dec-13 09:36:43

GooseRocks, his sleeping in the other room could indicate that he wanted to be able to text in peace, to warn the other person, or so he could delete any offending texts/emails from his phone.

Or he might just feel a bit guilty and couldnt face you

FolkGirl Thu 26-Dec-13 09:49:28

Or he's escalating the situation in the hope that the OP will take action so that he doesn't have to.

neiljames77 Thu 26-Dec-13 09:49:34

Maybe he's gone off in a strop because he feels he's being accused of playing around when he hasn't.
Maybe he was having a dance with this woman and she suggested something but he told her he was married now and not interested, then the other work colleague sent the text as a joke to wind him up.

GooseRocks, keeping it quiet doesn't automatically mean he has "something" to hide. How would you have reacted had he told you up front she was going to be there? And if he'd told you afterwards he'd danced with her? Would you have been a bit "off" or perfectly OK? I do think that this could be more to do with you not feeling like you match up to her physically than your DH being dodgy, i.e. it's a self esteem issue (possibly leading to insecurity/envy/jealousy?). Do you think your DH kept quiet about her because mentioning her causes tensions, even though nothing is going on between them? He works with her so they're going to have some sort of "relationship" aren't they. You've said you don't think he's having an affair and you have no reason to doubt him, so what's going on?

FWIW, there's nothing quite like being accused of "something" when you're completely innocent. Maybe that's why he's having some time out in the spare room. What were you doing reading his texts anyway? That just doesn't sound healthy to me, and is not something I'd dream of doing unless I suspected a partner of cheating.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Thu 26-Dec-13 10:34:45

He's not been accused of anything!

He has lied to her and is having a strop rather than explaining and apologising (like any normal person would)

neiljames77 Thu 26-Dec-13 10:48:23

If he's not being accused of anything then this is running it a pretty close second.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism, you don't need to be told "I don't trust you, I think you're up to something" to feel "accused". I've been on the receiving end on an insecure partner and it was hellish having him interrogate me because I'd chatted to another man. I never cheated on him BTW, my crime was to be attractive to other men. The way my exP spoke to me was accusatory, without him uttering the exact words.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Thu 26-Dec-13 10:57:04

so you see the op as an insecure, interrogator type throwing around crazy and unfounded accusations?

I don't get that from the op at all.

VanitasVanitatum Thu 26-Dec-13 10:59:58

I don't think op sounds insecure. Obviously we don't have much background, but I would be unhappy not so much about the dance, but about why the colleague thinks it's significant and worth a winky face. The unwillingness to discuss would also bother me, if it was nothing I would have thought it should be no problem to discuss.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism not necessarily, it's just another angle. I'm no more guilty of jumping to conclusions or assuming stuff than any other poster, just that I see things a little differently. Hopefully GooseRocks will be back to give some more info.

Vanitas unfortunately we have no idea what the texter's personality is like. She may be the biggest shit stirrer in the place or a huge flirt, hence the tone of her text. As for why the OPs DH hasn't discussed it, well, the OP has said "We're really terrible at discussing anything remotely controversial" sad

neiljames77 Thu 26-Dec-13 11:10:24

VanitasVanitatum, it all depends whether it would be a discussion or not.

Mapleissweet Thu 26-Dec-13 16:31:45

If I found out my dh had been slow dancing with a serious ex gf in front of other colleagues and then lied about it, I would be hurt, angry and upset. Your feelings are totally justified. How disrespectful. Why would anyone think that is acceptable?
He should be apologising like mad, truthful and be doing anything he can to rebuild trust and make you think he's a decent dh to have.

GooseRocks Thu 26-Dec-13 22:19:10

Sorry been busy / out all day. Kids in bed now. We spoke this morning. He's absolutely adamant that, yes he danced with this woman, twice, but not slow dances. He danced with pretty much everyone at some point he says. I think he's telling the truth. I've told him that I'm not OK with him dancing with her at all tbh since the subject has come up. He's sorry, shouldn't have but nothing at all in it.

Colleague likes to wind him up, which I also believe. He did say that he wouldn't go next year and was a bit put out when I agreed that that might be best! We'll see.

He also accepted that he can be a bit of a flirt, particularly when he's had a drink, tbh honest so can I, but he has never and will never cheat on me. Which is pretty much how i've always seen it.

It's been a horrible few days and I'm far from insecure usually but it's quite shocking how your confidence can be knocked. Thank you all for your responses.

neiljames77 Thu 26-Dec-13 22:25:47

BLIMEY!!! It looks like I hit the nail on the head. (first time for everything)

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Thu 26-Dec-13 22:28:23

This sounds like a better outcome goose rocks thanks

GooseRocks Thu 26-Dec-13 22:30:44

To a point neiljames! But I didn't accuse him of anything. I did ask him to explain himself. I only make the point because I've surprised myself with my calmness. Always thought I'd be a plate thrower!

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Thu 26-Dec-13 22:35:08

How did you hit the nail on the head nealjames?

We could all see that this was a weak cowardly person hiding the truth from his partner for 'an easy life' What did you expect her to do?

GooseRocks Thu 26-Dec-13 22:36:40

Thanks thisis. All good.

JaceyBee Fri 27-Dec-13 10:40:26

Sorry but I think it's totally unreasonable to make him miss his Xmas do next year just because he might dance with his ex! So what if he dances with her?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now