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living with an abusive alcoholic

(128 Posts)
vxm123 Thu 26-Dec-13 00:40:39

I'm in a really unhappy marriage with a guy who won't control his drinking, and is emotionally abusive. I have a gorgeous 2 yr old & no support in rl. I didn't know where to post do hoping someone can point me in the right direction.

ColinButterfly Thu 26-Dec-13 00:46:09

Please come to this thread

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1901957-Support-for-those-in-Emotionally-Abusive-relationships-thread-27

Also women's aid and the freedom programme

There is a helpline 0808 2000 247

Lots of people who will understand the situation and able to recommend steps they have taken to help move forward if that is what you want to do and you can go at your own pace.

Well done for posting here, speaking out is brave. Keep posting xx

alltoomuchrightnow Thu 26-Dec-13 01:15:11

I was same but childless... but no support... in the end I ran... Womans Aid helped me.... I still have counselling at a womens centre.. since leaving, Al Anon have also helped me the most (emotionally, not practically)... please please give them a try... it took me so long as i was reluctant and it felt weird at first but it stopped me feeling so alone / misunderstood.
Good luck and keep posting any time.. you are not alone

raisah Thu 26-Dec-13 05:21:21

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/

Get in touch with these people as they can advise you on your options.

Speak to a solicitor as the first half an hour is free.

It is nearly 2014, time for a fresh start for you and your dd. If you have no support in real life then I guess you could move to another town altogether to create distance between you. There is nothing tying you to your current town but only if this is practically possible.

Good luck.

Blushingm Thu 26-Dec-13 09:07:24

You have to do everything you can to protect you dd.

I grew up with an alcoholic mum - my dad couldn't take it and they eventually split when we were teenagers but both my siblings and I are still suffering because of her. She was never physical to me but emotionally she was evil. We've been nc for 12 years but I still struggle. I've had counselling, cbt, have been on medication for years. All the professionals I've seen believe a lot of my problems stem from my childhood and the way my mother treated me.

Please protect you dd and get as far away as you can. You can ever solve anyone's drink problem for them - they have to do that for themselves.

vxm123 Thu 26-Dec-13 11:54:57

Iv been lurking for a
while. The threads on result of abusive childhoods scare the life out of me. Iv taken the first step so many times. And then we stagger along for more months. I don't know what's worse, bringing DS up without a father or keeping him in this situation. I tried al anon. It was excellent & showed me I wasn't the freak dh said I was. It showed me he was the 1 with dysfunctional behavior & Alot of our relationship issues stemmed from problem drinking. I'm highly educated, with money in the bank. I have a loving family. I don't need to be in a bad situation. But I am.

Am I still at the stage where I'm wondering if it is that bad? I'm scared of dh having contact/ access to ds without me there to supervise if we split up

vxm123 Thu 26-Dec-13 11:57:10

Thankyou everyone for responding with so much kindness x

CarpeVinum Thu 26-Dec-13 12:16:47

I don't know what's worse, bringing DS up without a father or keeping him in this situation

The latter. Children in high tension homes (addiction issues+ abusuve behavoirs) do worse if they remain to grow up in the home with the person who is the issue. The younger the child when they are removed from the situation, the better the outcome for them. The longer they stay, the more profound the longer term damage tends to be.

This has been studied and examined for decades. There is no quibble or question mark as to which option is in the child's best interests.

If you are staying becuase you fear potential poor outcomes caused by a split are worse than poor outcomes caused by staying, then please be assurred that this is not the case. Leaving a high tension home (addiction+abusive behavoirs) with a young child is emphatically the better choice in terms of making the child the priority and giving them a better start in life.

I feel for you, with all my heart I do. This is not easy on so many levels, but your instinct to leave to protect your child is right on the money.

vxm123 Thu 26-Dec-13 13:19:01

It is a high tension home. It describes our home so well. My 2.7 ds is such a lovely kind generous loving happy boy. He gets on with his father. But he tries to mediate between us & that breaks my heart. I'm so scared of how ds will feel when he's a bit older & asking me why he doesn't have a daddy. It gives me sleepless nights finding an answer to that question.

But my blood also boils wen I think that will my ds have to tiptoe around the house too avoiding daddy & daddy's bad moods. Will he suffer the same low self-esteem as dh as nothing he does is good enough. (dh had an abusive mother. Obviously this is no longer acknowledged, as I'm the b**?h who turned dh into the abusive alcoholic toad)

vxm123 Thu 26-Dec-13 13:20:37

Thankyou Carpe for ur response. It made me cry but has also given back a little strength

Blushingm Thu 26-Dec-13 13:27:28

Staying with an abusive alcoholic is a million more times more damaging than being brought up in a calm home with a single parent who loves and adores you.......

I'm 35 and my childhood with my mum is still causing problems in my life, my self esteem is none exist any, I have trouble with relationships with friends and dh (any if my recent threads will tell you this)...........

Please get away and ensure your dc have a happy life xx

alltoomuchrightnow Thu 26-Dec-13 13:35:41

I agree with Blushingm and also going by friends experience of alcoholic childhoods. If i'd got out as soon as my ex picked up the drink after 6 yrs dry i wouldnt be so fucked up now. I'd have been housed by now, instead it's now a year and a half on and i'm registered homeless and jobless from all this . If i'd got out straightaway i'd be sorted now . And also if i hadnt gone back to him. I left for good eventually but i curse i didnt sooner. Please, please don't live with alcoholism. It's not acceptable, no one deserves that . It's no life, just trying to survive and go through the motions. Every day is just madness, chaos, pain and life becomes unmanageable.

alltoomuchrightnow Thu 26-Dec-13 13:37:27

I can promise you this.. leaving will be hard but will be the best decision you ever made. It will also be a walk in the park compared to staying and the longterm consequences..

CarpeVinum Thu 26-Dec-13 13:58:29

It made me cry but has also given back a little strength

Crying is alright love, it is steess relief and god knows we all have the right to maurn the "could have been if only"s.

You are stronger than you believe yourself to be. You are at this point while so many can't face even the conversation in their own head,nlet alone talk about it to others.

Don't try to eat the elephant, just tackle one bite at a time. So start with the baby steps. Where do I go ? When can I go ? What is the safest way to leave ?

If you feel there is the slightest whiff of danger, but yet you don't feel you qualify for women's aid cos "others have it worse" , just remember, all your child has is you, for you little one's sake, you have to make a priority of your saftey. And that means out, and out fast with the use of an outside agency.

What practical issues do you need to resolve before heading to your toddlers better future ?

And ((((big fat hug)))))).

I'm so sorry you and your boy are in this situation.

vxm123 Thu 26-Dec-13 15:03:23

Why am I so tired. Utterly exhausted. I feel like I'm the 1 that has been drinking heavily (i haven't touched a drop)
My family are loving & supportive. They live 2 hours away. I can go there for a break & space to think (or forever) but I just don't have the energy. I have my own car. I'm a proficient driver but I'm so exhausted & lifeless.

It's not fair. none of this is fair

vxm123 Thu 26-Dec-13 16:39:17

There is such an atmosphere in the house. Ds is unaffected. Is that because he's used to it or he's too young to notice?

I'm unable to eat. Just going through the motions of pretending to be alive .

This marriage is dead. I know that now. Of course its unhealthy living in this dead marriage. The vows were in sickness & in health not 'in abuse & torture'

I'm better than this. I deservef better than this. My son deserves better than this & I will give him a better life. I will not live my life like this. But I am too tired to do anything. I'll try to do it in bites Carpe. Thankyou x

CarpeVinum Thu 26-Dec-13 17:06:55

You are exhusted becuase... you are exhusted.

Brains use a tremendous amount of energy as it is. You probably spend your life trying to resolve the irresolvable, trying to think how he can be turned into who he ought to be. Or be compensated for.

And then there is the worried watchfulness. Even if you are no longer aware of it you are probably observing him, his mood and trying to come up with stratagies to avoid him triggering, plus running through disfusing stratagies for all the different ways he'll behave if he does trigger,

That. Is. Knackering.

Would your family come and get you ?

Is there anybody who would drive you up there in your car and maybe come back by trian ?

Can you drive as far as the train/coach station, leave the car for later, get as near as you can by public transport and then have your family pick you up ?

It's not your fault you feel so out of energy love. It has been sucked out of you by an emotional vampire.

It's ok to lean on others who love you as you should be loved to help you put of the mire.

You know how we have those life saving rings ? How we don't expect exhusted half drowned people to swim all the way to the lifeguard's boat, rather we expect them to need help getting to where safety lies so we tend to use devices, or jump in and get them ?

Well this is like that.

First bite of elephant. Tell your family. Tell them you need help to get out. Let them throw you the life saving ring and help pull you and your child out of the cold stormy waters. They love you both. Let them help you.

((((((massive hug)))))))

mskellyanne Thu 26-Dec-13 17:18:41

Been there done that , get out and don't look back , do it for your kid it will work out in the end , it's like a Huge weight being lifted when it happens and you stick to your desision , good luck x

Blushingm Thu 26-Dec-13 17:50:08

I won't add any more - carpe vinum has given the best advice. She speaks a lot of sense - listen to her. Leaving will be the biggest gift you give your ds - staying will be no life for either of you

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Thu 26-Dec-13 17:53:29

Listen to CV

Blushingm Thu 26-Dec-13 18:21:39

Despite ending up in itu for weeks my mum still drinks - she has liver and kidney failure, heart problems, pancreas problems has brain damage and has the starts of dementia. She's only 59 - none of this has made her stop drinking so your dh having an easy life, with a family and being looked after won't help him change............he needs to change by himself. Nothing you can do or say will change his behaviour for him. Your ds needs you strong and happy

Sorry and good luck

vxm123 Thu 26-Dec-13 19:49:21

Carpe - you are lovely & totally understand.
Blushing - I'm so sorry for what you've been through & I dread my son having your experience. Dh has seen closely the effects of alcohol abuse. He has liver damage, pancreatic damage & I'm sure it has affected him mentally. Just a couple of days ago I had a 'kind ' talk with him saying that I could see how much his health has been damaged & that he can't afford to keep drinking. Otherwise he will not see ds be a teenager as he won't live long enough.

I begged him to stop drinking. I don't want ds having that life. This whole thing just stinks. Ur right he is an emotional vanpire. He has sucked the life out of me.

I am going to get out. I'm not going to make any big decisions while I'm so exhausted. I'm just going to take some time for myself.

I am so furious with dh & I'm furious that I have to leave all my home comforts and ds has to leave his friends & toys & bedroom & garden just so we can have some sanctuary away from his bastard of a father.

Blushingm Thu 26-Dec-13 19:56:12

Oh and my mum tries to say her health problems aren't drink related..........

All those things your ds would leave behind can be replaced. His mum can't - he needs you. He needs you thinking strongly and clearly and being determined to provide for him the best you can without your dp sucking the life from you

You can do it - you've had a glimpse of how life can be if you stayed but it doesn't have to be that way and only you can change it for the better for you and your dc and the sooner the better. Xxx

CarpeVinum Thu 26-Dec-13 20:15:04

vxm

I once lived in a palace. A real one. Family Crest and hot and cold running servants. The works. I left and went to live in bedsitlandia compete with mould, cold and hungar.

Gilded cage, no matter how comfortable is never a substitute for free from the flesh eroding chains of somebody else's issue.

The lifelong scars your son will avoid by not growing up in a high tension home outstrip a Hyde Park sized garden, a veritible Hamley's of toys and a bedroom fit for Prince Georgie. By about a squillion lightyears. Stuff is just stuff,mit can be replaced or done without. Tiny human growing up free of being the next link in a multigenerational cycle of pain on the other hand, now that is a one bite at the cherry kind of thing.

Call your family love, knackered as you are. Tell them how it is and that you need to leave in the not too distant future,

Call them to make your first bite real.

Becuase until it is real... you and your child are still behind locked bars with the key buried somewhere in an undefined future.

colditz Thu 26-Dec-13 20:17:05

Women's aid

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