Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Can u please give me your opinion on my partner.

(77 Posts)
AngelinaK Wed 25-Dec-13 21:40:45

Hi there. I had a name change for this. I reply to others but was always too gutless to have my own thread.
Here it goes as briefly as I can not to bore anybody too much...
My dp and I have been together for 10 years and he is 10 years older then me. We have 3 year old daughter and we have our own house (just on his name, we r not married and I didnt think its important and who's name it is anyway) We had our ups and downs but still together. I was very young when we met (19) and now I feel like I have 'outgrown' the relationship maybe? He's very different to me, very aggressive personality, doesnt like to talk, doesnt like to go anywhere, we used to argue a lot from the start, he raised his hand few times on me(I slapped him back in rage btw) and then I got pregnant... He was a little boy all pregnancy and first year after the birth was evil, he wasnt much home but when he was it was awful. I had a baby blues and was sensitive and in need of support and cuddles so to speak. Lets just say it was hard and I didnt cope well.
Now we r still together but we r not close. Too much has happened... He 's not happy when I go out for a dinner with girlfriend (which I never did, I was never out during my time with him) he's not interested in anything and I'm... I like cinema, art, travelling, dancing....
We have a stable home so to speak but and I dont know what to do...
He can be very nice, very good and loving and lovely dad but when its bad... Its bad and it leaves me very anxious and worried.

I dont know what I'm asking here. Just had to get it out. Thank u for reading.

Merry Christmas!

Spero Sun 29-Dec-13 10:17:50

Like I said, you can't predict the future. You might leave him and never find anyone else.

So what you have to do is look at what you do know.

This man is unpleasant. He makes you feel anxious. He is aggressive. Your daughter will see all this and it will set her template for dealing with men in the future. He has not put you on legal title for house. You are not married. Your circumstances are thus very insecure.

Will he change? Does he want to change? What happens when you talk to him about this?

If you feel you can't talk to him about this, there is your answer right there.

When I left my abusive ex, I weighed it all up. I thought - if I am never in a relationship again, will that still be better than the life I live now? And the answer was yes, a hundred times yes.

BUT I appreciate I was lucky in that I had a job that could make me financially independent, even with child care. Maybe my decision would have been different if I had been leaving him to go on benefits, not sure of where I would end up living?

I don't know. I like to think I would have made the same choice, for both mine and my daughters sake. I would have just got sadder and sadder if I stayed and I think he would have just got more abusive because that seems to be the pattern- they test what you will put up with and then push the boundaries a little further each day.

Go and see someone to get advice about finances and help you might be entitled to. Is there a citizens advice bureau near you? Or there are websites where you can work out what benefits you might get. Lean on friends and family.

Your future might not be happy if you leave. But I am guessing it will almost certainly be unhappy if you stay.

pictish Sun 29-Dec-13 10:34:01

This thread is really sad.
I am awash with helplessness.

OP - one day you will look back on this and wonder where your head was at, calling him a good man and a lovely dad, and trying to convince us your home is happy and stable.
I know you will, because his behaviour will continue and escalate. One day you will have had your fill, and you'll leave.

A few women on this thread used to be you, and they know your partner. They know how determnined you are to make it work, and how futile that is.
You just need time to come to the same conclusion yourself.

In the meantime, seriously consider what expectations your daughter will have of relationships, witnessing her parents. Tyrannical dad and frightened mum.

Good luck to you.

Fairenuff Sun 29-Dec-13 11:37:35

I know it's hard to separate but sometimes I do wonder why people post. They ask for advice then, when it is given they start with a load of reasons why they can't/won't do it.

What do you want us to say OP?

Ok, yes stay with him. You're not happy but you can sacrifice the next 20 years of your life to protect your dd from the difficulty of separation. She will learn from you and him all about relationships and probably become very fucked up.

But, hey, at least the family is together, that's the important thing to focus on.

Spero Sun 29-Dec-13 13:28:01

They post, I suspect, because deep down they know. But they need reassurance, confirmation, a push, whatever.

No one would post something like this if they were 100% happy in their relationship. It just wouldn't occur to them. Hence familiar moan that the relationship board is all about the 'nasty' men. Well, yes, no one would bother asking for help with their 'lovely' man, they would just sit down together and have a chat or go and see a film or just be NICE to each other like mature adults are supposed to.

It took me five years or thereabouts to exit my abusive relationship. But I think I knew after a few months it wasn't right or healthy. But I was in my early 30s, I wanted a family, I wanted to be loved and it is amazing how you can keep sticking your head in the sand when you want to.

the most dangerous lies are the ones we tell ourselves.

So I am never going to knock or express bafflement at people who post like this. This used to be me.

It is NOT emotionally, practically or financially easy to disentangle yourself from an abusive relationship. It takes most of us years. And this is part of the process.

AngelinaK Sun 29-Dec-13 19:00:21

SoWhatDoWeDoNow - thats a bit hurtful and not fair... The cinema and all the rest was just a description of his behaviour and personality - lack of interest in life etc.
Yes I had a child with a wrong man - guilty as charged.

Spero - He can be very unpleasant, he didnt lift his hand on me for a long time, we didnt fight badly for a long time, so nobody slapped anybody so to speak. Sounds awful written down :/ he can be dreadful and make me anxious like hell. But many men do I guess... I dont have a job and living with my parents is not an option really...

picstih - he's not a monster and I'm not frightened by him. DP and DD currently playing and running around and I'm resting with my tablet.

Firenuff - I posted on here to find out other women opinion and to really re think everything... Its hard to talk to people in real life... Its hard to cope on your own...

Thank u so much for replying... All your advice is really very usefull x

pictish Sun 29-Dec-13 20:18:22

Pictish, he's not a monster and I'm not frightened by him

but when its bad...Its bad and it leaves me very anxious and worried
he can be dreadful and make me anxious like hell

Hmm... I would equate being very anxious and worried with being frightened.
I wasn't alluding to you cowering beneath his raised hand OP. You seem to think that domestic abuse is about being hit (which you have been, more than once) and screamed at. A television representation.
It's often far more insidious than that.

And many men don't btw. This carry on is not par for the course you know.

AngelinaK Sun 29-Dec-13 21:40:47

Domestic abuse can be physical and emotional - I know that.
I'm just really confused about how I feel and what to do.
I'm "navigating" towards the brake up... Just scared sad

pictish Sun 29-Dec-13 22:06:24

Yes...it's very scary. xxx

AngelinaK Fri 17-Jan-14 22:30:43

Guys its me again with my rather boring thread...
We just had a fight, he got proper angry, blaming me for everything etc, some pushing from both sides, baby woke up, I had to go to calm her down because he was going to play bowling and to the pub!!!
I'm shaken up and fed up. I'm not the best partner in the world... but I deserve better... I think...,

The house is on his name so before he left je told me to fuck off, I would preffer if he moved out so dd can stay in her family home but I'm sure he wont go !
What if he decides to keep dd. ?!?!?!
I'm not working! I'm part time student with no money and was just starting to look for work !
Neighbours and friends like him. He's working and earns decent enough money. I'm scared. sad((((

AngelinaK Fri 17-Jan-14 22:31:25

Guys its me again with my rather boring thread...
We just had a fight, he got proper angry, blaming me for everything etc, some pushing from both sides, baby woke up, I had to go to calm her down because he was going to play bowling and to the pub!!!
I'm shaken up and fed up. I'm not the best partner in the world... but I deserve better... I think...,

The house is on his name so before he left je told me to fuck off, I would preffer if he moved out so dd can stay in her family home but I'm sure he wont go !
What if he decides to keep dd. ?!?!?!
I'm not working! I'm part time student with no money and was just starting to look for work !
Neighbours and friends like him. He's working and earns decent enough money. I'm scared. sad((((

Leafmould Fri 17-Jan-14 22:59:06

Oh no! I'm sorry things have escalated.

If you have not got the stomach for a really long battle to get possession of a house which is not legally yours, and want out, I say don't let the house tie you down.

I separated from my partner and left him in the family home, and it works great. The kids room is exactly as I left it so it all feels very comfortable and familiar when they see him. If I had forced him to move out he would be living in cheap accommodation which would not be suitable for the children to stay in.

He can't realistically 'decide' to keep your child. Why do you think he can arbitrarily make that decision. It has to be negotiated and while you are the main care giver she will be with you until you negotiate contact with her dad.

I say get out while he wants you out, that way he is unlikely to make it difficult for you.

Good luck. It is scary, but thousands of women felt just like you and got out and love their lives now.

joblot Fri 17-Jan-14 23:04:38

Op this is shit. A decent partner doesn't make you anxious. Start planning your escape

EllieInTheRoom Fri 17-Jan-14 23:16:18

What's the usual pattern OP? What do you think will happen next?

Will he be sorry and so you will stay? he'll be nice for a while and then it gets worse again but next time it might be harder for you to leave?

Will he not mention it all, you both carry on as normal, until the next time?

Or will it just keep escalating?

Whichever way it goes, there aren't really many options for you. As PP said, get out now while he wants you out and it is fresh and before he can suck you back in.

As a single mother and a student you will get financial support, through benefits and off him. Don't stay just for the house, move on, it's not worth it.

youre right, you do deserve better. he will never be good enough. You can do it, it's time now

thanks

Spero Sat 18-Jan-14 09:28:31

Have you got any where to go? Friends family? If so go now. The rest can be sorted out. I am worried that you are not safe as this will escalate.

AngelinaK Sat 18-Jan-14 14:30:21

EllieInTheRoom - the pattern is that he will ignore me and carry on as normal. He will pretend that nothing happened. Its awful. I feel like I'm losing my mind. My daughter shouldnt be living in the house with such a heavy atmosphere in the air :/ I dont really have friends that I could go to.... I dont want to be staying over for few days everywhere... and live like homeless with my daughter.
I have got no money... I dont know what to do.
I cant stay with my parents... My partner could live with family or friends or rent something, would be easy for him but he thinks that the house only belongs to him!!!! sad((

TeenyW123 Sat 18-Jan-14 14:37:34

Angelina

Retread your thread. There's a couple of links on the first page for Women's Aid and Entitledto. Get phoning, and if you don't get through straight away keep trying. They're quite busy, but as your situation has escalated do not worry about wasting their time, just get through and listen to their advice and start planning to leave.

If you can get details of FW's finances and assets, you may be entitled to something if you separate as you will be the responsible parent for your innocent daughter.

TeenyW123 Sat 18-Jan-14 14:38:06

Reread!

AngelinaK Sat 18-Jan-14 15:45:44

Really scary... sad how did I get here... ? No money, no career, lovely daughter that will grow up with just me...
I dont know what his reaction will be to all the leaving....

Custardo Sat 18-Jan-14 16:03:12

have you got any facts at all? googled anything? looked into benefit entitlement, local rentals, planned out what you would have to do, what money you would have? factored in your studies? can you take a break and go back? what work is available in your area? childcare

there are so many unknowns here and each persons situation is different.

you really have to get some knowledge behind you, do some budgets, do some research. at some point, you are going to have to do this.

I am going against the grain here. In your situation, i would be very canny about finances and i would get my fucking name on that house - if there is equity in it.

secondly, i would squirrel money away, a tenner here or there, under the corner of a carpet in your closet or bedroom or in the pocket of a jacket hung up in the closet.

next i would ensure i have all relevent documentation i may need in the future.
birth certificates, passports especially, then copies of bankl details, bills that i am solely or party responsible for - so you have contact details for these. i would put them all in a folder or an envelope so they are all in one place. I would start adding receipts to these for anything that is paid for out of my bank account

I would start to try and seperate the finances on money owed so things will not be complicated - for instance if both your names on utility bills, start to change this to his name - you will need an excuse to get him to do this, but i'm sure you will think of something

most importantly i would do my research and figure out my options. i would write it out in an e-mail to myself in a brand new email address just for this purpose - remembering to untick the 'remember me' box on your computer. using a password he is unlikely to guess - so nothing relating to your daughters name. with password hints he does not know the answers to. in this email i would send myself the links to all the organisations who are likley to help me should i need it
dwp
womens aid
cab
my solicitor

clio51 Sat 18-Jan-14 16:33:57

If you are really not happy, to the point you are miserable being there GO

Your daughter WILL adapt she's 3 she will be a happy little girl will you and you with her yes you will have a few problems but I'd rather have a problem that I can work out than being miserable hate the thought of him coming home etc. you and your daughter will end up being really happy together and so close.

Meanwhile start putting money aside from the housekeep whilst you first

Look on web for rented houses/apartments/flats for dhss claimants gumtree if you have one most main cities do.

Next as said benefits calculator to see how much you can get, you will obviously get your rent paid and council tax.

Dd is entitled to 15 hrs free child care a week check this out

You are so young to be in this situation, life is so short.

Get your tablet out and start looking

Ps it doesn't matter what DP thinks to you going, he's already told you to fuck off yes he will miss her but he will see her again. Think off yourself that's what he's doing ie walking out going to pub.

AngelinaK Sat 18-Jan-14 19:13:56

Thank you ladies for taking your time to reply...
Child Tax Credit is not enough to live on as a single mother.
DP makes decent money but the child maintance calculator showed up just 60£ per week (!!!) sounds like a joke...
In this situaction I cant afford to rent a place on my own :/
It also bothers me that he will get to live in our cosy tiny house that I painted, decorated and take care off !!!
Is it enough to just ask him to put my name on the house? Is it just a matter of filling up some papperwork and paying a bit of money for that? I'm trying to put some money away but its not that easy. Everything so expensive...

What a mess.

clio51 Sat 18-Jan-14 20:02:47

You will get
Child tax credit
Child benefit
Child maintenance
Income support for yourself
Free rent if you stay in your borough bedroom allowance
And lower council tax

Your focusing on all the wrong things ok you might have a cosy house but I'd rather live in a house than be on pins on what mood my DP is in

Do you really think he would just put your name on the deeds? Is that what you really what from all of this the house?

You could have a house/flat!

Allergictoironing Sat 18-Jan-14 20:02:55

Do you really genuinely think he will put your name on the house now, if he didn't when you first moved in? That is just wishful thinking on your part I'm afraid, he has no incentive to do that so why should he just because you ask him to - that would reduce the power he has over you.

Have another look at the benefits available to you, there are lots of different ones so you won't be expected to live of £60 a week including rent! Talk to WA and/or the CAB as others advised earlier in the thread, they will be able to give you a much better idea of what you can expect

Allergictoironing Sat 18-Jan-14 20:04:21

Ah cross-posted with clio51, who has given so much more specific info thanks

AngelinaK Sat 18-Jan-14 21:09:17

Child benefit, child tax credit and child meintanance is all silly money - I need to find a job to support myself and my little girl. No idea where the free rent would come from (?)
And as for the house.... I dont care about the property itself - I just dont want my daughter out of her family home. Moving places, living poorly. Thats all. I really need to talk to solicitor... I know its silly and that million other women did this but I 'm really scared.... sad

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now