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Can u please give me your opinion on my partner.

(77 Posts)
AngelinaK Wed 25-Dec-13 21:40:45

Hi there. I had a name change for this. I reply to others but was always too gutless to have my own thread.
Here it goes as briefly as I can not to bore anybody too much...
My dp and I have been together for 10 years and he is 10 years older then me. We have 3 year old daughter and we have our own house (just on his name, we r not married and I didnt think its important and who's name it is anyway) We had our ups and downs but still together. I was very young when we met (19) and now I feel like I have 'outgrown' the relationship maybe? He's very different to me, very aggressive personality, doesnt like to talk, doesnt like to go anywhere, we used to argue a lot from the start, he raised his hand few times on me(I slapped him back in rage btw) and then I got pregnant... He was a little boy all pregnancy and first year after the birth was evil, he wasnt much home but when he was it was awful. I had a baby blues and was sensitive and in need of support and cuddles so to speak. Lets just say it was hard and I didnt cope well.
Now we r still together but we r not close. Too much has happened... He 's not happy when I go out for a dinner with girlfriend (which I never did, I was never out during my time with him) he's not interested in anything and I'm... I like cinema, art, travelling, dancing....
We have a stable home so to speak but and I dont know what to do...
He can be very nice, very good and loving and lovely dad but when its bad... Its bad and it leaves me very anxious and worried.

I dont know what I'm asking here. Just had to get it out. Thank u for reading.

Merry Christmas!

NatashaBee Wed 25-Dec-13 21:44:16

Why is it not important whose name the house is in?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Wed 25-Dec-13 21:44:54

My opinion ? He is a cunt and neither of you should be modelling a relationship like this for your child

You did ask

Did you invest money in the house? Do you pay the mortgage?
He sounds dreadful, by the way.

SundaySimmons Wed 25-Dec-13 21:50:06

You have done a lot of thinking about your relationship and your life and how you are not content with your lot.

Your next step should be to talk to your partner. He may well also feel similar to you or at the very least, realise that there is not complete harmony between you.

I would advise not having this chat at home, where there is opportunity for it to turn into an argument or raised voices.

If someone can look,after your child for an afternoon, is it possible for you both to go for a walk, perhaps along a coast as the sea aid is always good for clearing your head. Or just go somewhere that you can both talk in confidence but calmly.

Your goal I presume is to stay together and regain the closeness you once had and to do more things together. If he is too set in his ways and doesn't want to embrace any changes in the relationship to improve it, which will involve both of you giving and taking, then sadly you may both have to consider parting but doing what is best for your child and hopefully keeping things amicable so that the split is as harmonious as can be under the circumstances.

Good luck x

CosmicDespot Wed 25-Dec-13 21:50:39

It sounds like a very unhealthy relationship. Why did you think it unimportant to have your name on the deeds?

ShotgunNotDoingThePans Wed 25-Dec-13 21:53:45

Is he still violent towards you? He sounds like one to avoid, to me.
You should register an interest in the house as you will then be entitled to a share should you separate.
Land Registry.

Spero Wed 25-Dec-13 21:54:00

I don't think your home can be very stable if he is aggressive to you and the house is in his sole name and you are not married.

From your brief description, this does not sound like a healthy or happy relationship, nor one that could become so. I am sorry. I hope you find some resolution. It will be very important for your child to grow up in an atmosphere free of aggression.

Blushingm Wed 25-Dec-13 21:54:30

If it helps, when my dsis was married her name wasn't on the deeds or mortgage but she could prove they'd lived as man and wife and both contributed to the household, decorating etc and she'd helped pay the mortgage and when they got divorced she was awarded half the equity in the house

Spero Wed 25-Dec-13 21:56:42

It is possible to establish a beneficial interest in a house when you don't have a legal interest, but it can be very difficult and you certainly can't assume anything.

I would be interested to know what his justification for this is. Doesn't sound like he is very invested in this relationship or very loving towards you and your child.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Wed 25-Dec-13 21:57:03

The OP is not married to him.

Spero Wed 25-Dec-13 21:59:14

You don't have to be married to argue for a resulting or constructive trust. The fact that you are not married is why you will have to argue for that if you want to have any sniff of the equity.

Fair enough he might not 'believe' in marriage, but he ought to 'believe' in the mother of his child having a legal right to occupy the family home and to share in its financial worth.

ShotgunNotDoingThePans Wed 25-Dec-13 22:03:09

Blushing, your dsis was married, the op is not - key difference.

There is no such thing as a common law spouse and in order to exercise property rights as after separation an interest must have been registered with the Land Registry.

Spero Wed 25-Dec-13 22:07:01

You don't have to register anything with the land registry unless you want to protect an interest on sale.

Unmarried women can get awarded proportion of equity but they will have to show their was common intention to create a trust....

Anyway. Diversion. It is, to put it mildly, difficult to protect yourself if you are not married, if you have a small child, and your partner has the major family asset in his sole name.

Why is that? What reason does he give? Do you even talk about it? If not, why not?

Leaving aside the aggression (which is always number one red flag) this would be most seriously 'wrong' issue for me.

EdithWeston Wed 25-Dec-13 22:23:38

"I don't now what to do"

Is that really true? Or do you know you want to leave, but can't quite face the reality?

Or do you want to find a path to reconciliation (often very difficult,a nd requires commitment from both - would he be up to it?)?

AngelinaK Wed 25-Dec-13 22:53:16

Thank you for your replies and concern. Thank you.
He's not pure evil. Actually he's good man in general.
But different to me... I'm sensitive and full of live. He's very much not sensitive, cant argue with him "normal" as he either turns rude or doesnt want to talk - I hate it, I like to talk things through. Get closure and move on. When we bought the house, I was heavily pregnant and made redundant, the estate agents were being delayed by the bank with the mortgage. They were making problems with borrowing the money to pregnant and redundant woman. The idea was to have my name there but it didnt work out.

Fairenuff Wed 25-Dec-13 23:12:59

He is not a good man, he is an emotionally controlling man and an aggressive bully. You do not have a stable home. Your dd is not in a safe environment.

AngelinaK Wed 25-Dec-13 23:51:22

I'm lately "switched off" from the relationship, no sex, no sweet kisses, I'm probably annoying to him as well. I'm not saying I'm perfect. Not the easiest of characters, its just that right now I feel trapped. sad

Fairenuff Wed 25-Dec-13 23:56:38

How are you trapped? You are not married, you do not have joint financial commitments. Find out what benefits you would be entitled to if you moved out.

AngelinaK Thu 26-Dec-13 00:06:58

We have a child together, I dont have family locally, I dont have a full time job, I'm in two minds about everything.
Being married or not makes no difference.
The brake up of the family is the same painful.

raisah Thu 26-Dec-13 05:52:14

www.womensaid.org.uk/

speak to womens aid as they have experience in this type of thing and they can advise you on your options. Regarding your joint property, speak to a solicitor as the first 30 mins are free.

raisah Thu 26-Dec-13 05:57:26

www.hmrc.gov.uk/childbenefit/payments-entitlements/other-benefits/

Use the benefits calculator to find out what you will be entitled to if you left him.

Lizzabadger Thu 26-Dec-13 06:02:45

Agree with the advice to contact Women's Aid. He is emotionally and physically abusive. This is not a good environment for you or your child.

raisah Thu 26-Dec-13 07:50:04

Are you working or want to work? It might be useful to get a temporary job.to save money if you need to set up home independently from him later on.

Learn to be as independent as you can, learn how to drive, change light bulbs & set up utility accounts. It sounds crazy but its sad how many people dont know how to do this and rely on others for this type of thing.

www.brookstreet.co.uk/

AngelinaK Thu 26-Dec-13 10:22:20

Thank u ladies. Luckily I do know how to drive, change light bulbs and set up utility accounts smile dont think I need womens aid, dont think they could help here. Its just a matter of staying or leaving and seting up a new home.
Also dont think my daughter would deal very well with the brake up :/

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