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I don't know what to do - please help

(125 Posts)
HelenHuntingdon Tue 24-Dec-13 10:24:25

Hi
I'm a long time lurker and very nervous about posting this so please be kind smile

I am very unhappy. I've been married for 3 years and have a 1 year old. My husband and I have been arguing a lot and I'm starting to think he's right and its my fault.
He is cross with me a lot of the time. If I forget to do something or I'm late for something he tells me off. Ill say I'm sorry for forgetting/whatever but he says 'well sorry's no good, just don't do it! I can't understand how you can forget/get wrong the simplest things! I HAVE to tell you or you'd never learn, would you!?'
I tell him that I don't do it intentionally and Ido try to do things right but he says I'm obviously not trying or I wouldn't make so many mistakes.

This morning we had a huge argument after something small like this because I told him I'm fed up of being spoken to like a child, but he said 'oh so I'm supposed to tiptoe around you and never tell you if you're wrong!? Well that's not going to happen - you may have got away with it in the past but you sure wont with me! You'll never learn if I don't tell you!'
I said that this wasnt how we should speak to each other but he wasn't having it. I cried and suggested we should go to counselling but he just said 'You need it! You'll be paying will you!?' I told him that something has to change as the way he keeps talking to me makes me feel like I'm retarded (sorry HORRIBLE word) to which he replied 'well you said it.'

I'm really really trying every time we argue to be fair and see all sides, I never get personal with him (apart from when I said he was being an idiot) and I always admit when I'm wrong.

I will admit I've been behind with the housework and I know I could be much better at lots of things. My daughter is a year old and I had glandular fever just after I had her which I know some people get over quite quickly but I just don't think I have. I BF for 8 months and I didn't have an easy birth/recovery. All things combined ive been very tired and below par ever since I got pregnant really. Which has meant I have been a bit forgetful and slow to do some things, which yes I know is just an excuse and other women manage sad

I'm now pregnant again (14 weeks) and its since I got pregnant that things have been really bad. I've had terrible nausea and I just feel wiped out. I have very bad emetophobia and I'm trying to hide it from him as i think he thinks I'm just being weak.
When I said I was tired once he said 'well I get tired too and I just get on with it' which is true or 'well it's not like you do anything!'
He works very hard and rarely takes a day off so I suppose he is justified to say this.

Last Christmas he didnt get me a gift, he said he forgot but didn't think it was a big deal. I got upset on Christmas morning as I didn't have anything to open and we had a huge row as he was angry with me for guilt tripping him. It was the worst Christmas ever.

This year he said her get me a tablet on the condition that I use it to start some sort of business to make some money back, but I can't have it yet as he'll get it in the sales. So at least I know ill get something.

I don't know what I expect people to say, I just don't have anyone else to talk to and I suppose I needed to write it down. And I don't feel well and I'm tired and lonely sad

Sorry for the huge essay. Anyone who gets this far deserves a medal.

Ps I should say that reading this back he looks like a monster. He's not really. I just don't know what's happened and I don't know what to do.

Xx

HelenHuntingdon Tue 24-Dec-13 10:25:01

Ps I know it's Christmas Eve, sorry for being miserable.

doasyouwouldbedoneby Tue 24-Dec-13 10:28:37

A present with conditions attached is NOT a present at all. You still have nothing to open on Xmas day.
I would be tempted to decline the offer of the tablet as he sees it as a money making machine not a gift for pleasure.

fusspot66 Tue 24-Dec-13 10:28:39

he is a monster and he is emotionally abusing you. what a cruel bastard.
it's not you, its him.

myroomisatip Tue 24-Dec-13 10:34:00

He is being abusive. He does not love you.

Please make plans to leave him. You will be much much happier without him.

Speak to Womens Aid, CAB and get legal advice.

Go out today and buy your own Christmas present too.

fusspot66 Tue 24-Dec-13 10:34:29

have a look at the support thread for EA . Sadly there are a lot of shitty men about. and as you will.never please him, stop trying, tune out his noise, and save the little energy you have for the nurturing of your babies and a getaway. honestly, he can't be fixed & you don't have to live like this. Sending xmas hugs x

BIWI Tue 24-Dec-13 10:36:35

It's not you, it's him. I'm sorry you're feeling so unwell - and very sad for you that you can't even confide in the person who is supposed to love and cherish you sad

Enb76 Tue 24-Dec-13 10:37:22

It's abuse, seriously. When you say 'I'm starting to think he's right and its my fault', it's not your fault. You are pregnant, you are looking after a small child, you have a huge amount on your plate.

Don't let it get worse than this. If I were you I would start quietly planning an exit strategy and get the hell out in the New Year.

It will only get worse if you stay. I once you've lost all your confidence you won't be able to leave. Is this what you deserve? 'Cos I think you and your children deserve better.

MadBusLady Tue 24-Dec-13 10:39:43

He is a monster, and it's not your fault. Simple as that. All that's happened is that he's shown his true colours. You haven't done anything to make him behave like this. He chooses to, because he likes having a go at you.

FluffyJumper Tue 24-Dec-13 10:41:47

LTB. Seriously.

gobbynorthernbird Tue 24-Dec-13 10:41:47

He's a shit.

MadameLeBean Tue 24-Dec-13 10:42:15

He sounds awful. Twisting everything to make it your fault, speaking to you like a child and putting conditions on stuff is abuse. LTB

Vivacia Tue 24-Dec-13 10:43:06

Who the fuck does he think he is? Even if you were the most absent-minded, laziest person on the planet it wouldn't excuse him talking to you in this way. What are these things you keep forgetting? I bet it's not that you're lazy or stupid, I bet you're tired, busy and not a mind reader.

I agree with others. Tune him out, shrug off his comments and quietly plan your escape.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Tue 24-Dec-13 10:44:11

I have no useful advice to offer you, OP, there are posters here who do. I would say to you though that your best present - Christmas or otherwise - would be to get yourself and your children away from this man. If he can behave this way to you when you're at your most vulnerable, he can do this to your children too. They don't deserve this and neither do you.

You sound very sad. I don't know what your living situation is but in the New Year, can you either get him out or make plans to leave yourself? Posters will tell you to keep your own counsel until you've decided your plan of action and I think that's very wise.

So sorry, OP, it's not you, it's HIM.

HelenHuntingdon Tue 24-Dec-13 10:45:07

Thank you for your kind replies.

He didnt used to be like this. He genuinely thinks that I just lie around all day pretending to be ill and being lazy. And when he comes in and says the place is a tip or if his washing isn't done and he complains there's nothing I can say as it NOT done, and he says I have no excuse and I have no answer for that as I don't. Just that I'm tired and sad. And if I tell him I'm unhappy then he gets annoyed and says 'oh so I'm a monster now am I?? Well poor old you having to put up with sooo much' and does impressions of me 'pretending' to be tired. And he talks about all the stuff he pays for and it's true, he does as I don't work now.
We live in very remote Scotland and its not economically viable for me to drive to a low paying job and pay for childcare.
I was self employed in a job I loved before meeting him but I had to give it up when I moved here.

Because he was never like this before I don't know what's gone wrong. I think if he could understand how I'm feeling he'd be mortified but I don't know how I can make him see sad

FloWhite Tue 24-Dec-13 10:46:00

Oh dear god. There's so much that's wrong with this scenario. But none of it - NONE OF IT - is your fault.

You are being abused emotionally and psychologically. I don't usually post on threads like these as I'm not as experienced as others on these matters. But this isn't going to get any better no matter what you do because you are human, a new mother, you've been ill AND you're living with an absolute arsehole. Sorry.

Get through the next few days, please tell someone in RL so they can support you and then get in touch with Women's Aid. I will google it in a minute and post the number for you.

FloWhite Tue 24-Dec-13 10:47:21

0808 2000 247. It's open 24 hours.

SillyOldHector Tue 24-Dec-13 10:49:09

My ex-p has the same abusive traits, Helen. After too many years hoping he'll change and the countless arguments we've had I'm now in the process of leaving with my two dc. It's hard but I have had to find the courage to do it and live the life I know I should be living.

You've been through a very hard time and will need a lot of support through your pregnancy, are there any family you could stay with?

goshhhhhh Tue 24-Dec-13 10:49:21

He is a bully. Simple as...

Do go to your GP & do get help. It is not a sign of weakness - but of strength. If necessary don't tell him.

Definitely not you but him

HelenHuntingdon Tue 24-Dec-13 10:50:16

Thank you very much, but I don't want to bother them. Isn't it supposed to be for people getting abused? Like domestic violence? I wouldn't want them to be annoyed with me for wasting their time sad
Sorry if I'm wrong

SandyDilbert Tue 24-Dec-13 10:52:31

you are being abused - just because he isn't hitting you it doesn't mean he isn't abusing you.

You are not wrong, it is not your fault and you did nothing to deserve such awful treatment.

OnaPromise Tue 24-Dec-13 10:55:40

He sounds truly awful.

This aside for the moment, as others have said you should go right away to your gp and tell them everything. There may be something medically wrong. Have you had your bloods and thyroid tested for instance? This is doubly important now you're pregnant again.

Enb76 Tue 24-Dec-13 10:56:02

I think you're probably a bit depressed (I would be living in the middle of nowhere pregnant and with a small child). Living remotely is not working for you, it doesn't for everyone.

I still say that you should leave. At the point where your husband should be supporting you and worried about the fact that you have no energy and are not happy he is doing the opposite and actively making you worse. Please leave.

tribpot Tue 24-Dec-13 10:56:30

Emotional abuse is a form of domestic violence.

The abuse has escalated since you got pregnant, i.e. are more vulnerable. He is plain nasty and has isolated you from support. Please reach out for help.

MadBusLady Tue 24-Dec-13 10:57:38

It's quite common for abusive men to up their nastiness when children come along, because that's often the point at which the woman is trapped - as you are. Moving to very remote Scotland and giving up your job - was that his idea too?

I think if he could understand how I'm feeling he'd be mortified

Nope. You've tried telling him, right? As far as he's concerned, this is the relationship working successfully. You being confused and upset and treading on eggshells is what he wants.

Does anyone have any of those helpful links to the signs of emotional abuse?

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