Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Does the OW ever win the married man?

(214 Posts)
Mintymoomoo Sun 22-Dec-13 13:53:11

Ok so just a question, me and my friends had along convo about this.

Seems that the general view on this is that the other women never get the married man, the man just has the affair because he can and never intends to leave the wife..... I always used to think that to but after reading on here I'm not so sure, seems to be lots of women who have been left for the OW!

What you all think

itwillgetbettersoon Sat 28-Dec-13 16:51:28

Lweje - I agree the change for the person having the affair isn't sudden. And in truth it isn't sudden for the wife or husband as deep down they know something isn't right but can't just pin point it. Their partners are distant, cruel, male no effort in the relationship etc. but the link isn't obvious until it happens.

I just wish my STBXH had spoken to me, then left to live on his own for a while then moved in with ow. It would have been easier for our kids, my parents and his parents to handle and pick ourselves up from. But ultimately he is a coward.

Varya Sat 28-Dec-13 16:53:39

No not usually, although OW snared my married Dad and left my late mother heartbroken. :- (

hermionepotter Sat 28-Dec-13 18:21:02

I'm nodding along to so much of this especially itwillgetbettersoon posts - it's not the affair itself that hurts so much (and that hurts ^a lot^) as the feeling you've been well and truly shat on from a great height by the person you thought you were closest to.

I still can't decide (and I'm years on) whether the shitty behaviour (distant/cruel and so on as you describe) of my ex was the real him and this was always his behaviour (and he's often been a git since) or whether the bit I seem to remember from earlier years was real. In that sense I feel like he's shat on the entire marriage - I don't want to feel that way as I want to remember the good bits now, for the sake of my dcs

hermionepotter Sat 28-Dec-13 18:23:01

so yes I think it's fair to say no-one is a winner in this situation and it's a bizarre turn of phrase IMO OP

Bogeyface Sat 28-Dec-13 18:27:04

Hermione

He acts like that because he has to believe everything he is saying, that it is all your fault that he cheated, that if you were nicer/kinder/sexier/less lazy blah blah then he wouldnt have cheated. In order for that to be true, he needs to treat you as if you were not all the things he said you needed to be, that then gives him free rein to treat you like shit. If he doesnt treat you like shit then that means you are actually a nice, kind sexy non lazy person, and he cant justify what he did.

And the fact that every day he has to look in a mirror and see a lying cheating sleaze who threw his marriage away for a shag.

Bogeyface Sat 28-Dec-13 18:27:20

That doesnt read terribly well does it?! grin I hope you get my meaning!

hermionepotter Sat 28-Dec-13 18:49:33

it makes sense bogey thanks yes I think that's right. He has apologised since and I think must sometimes be confused about why he threw so much away for nothing really, but it's just a sad situation all round, I want him to move on now as we all have to (I did give him a chance at the time but he was still seeing OW behind my back) He didn't end up with OW

I look back on it with a sense of bewilderment and great loss and sorrow. I wonder if I could've done things different but it really doesn't help that I didn't know what was actually going on so I think I constantly felt confused for a long time

It does affect my ability to trust in romantic relationships now too sad although I know rationally any relationships are a leap of faith

itwillgetbettersoon Sat 28-Dec-13 19:11:00

Agree with you Hermione. That is exactly how I feel. A sense of bewilderment. Our lives changed so quickly and cruely. I will never forgive him for that. I do look at him now and think I ignored a lot of his nasty impatient behaviours.

Not sure if I will ever trust someone again. Infact I've gone off men at the moment. Hopefully this will change one day when I'm ready.

nkf Sat 28-Dec-13 20:50:06

AnyFucker, if you think it might help someoen, you are welcome to cut and paste my reply on another thread? Which one?

Itwillgetbetter, actually your name is right. It will get better. It does. And Hermione too. Maybe not soon, but in time. In my experience, you have to make it happen though. Time helps but I had to consciously decide not to be bitter and not to go on and on about it to friends. And to list all the good things about my life. But, it will get better.

voddiekeepsmesane Sat 28-Dec-13 20:59:04

I do find this "unhappy in a marriage" shite of an excuse. I was unhappy in my marriage ...so I LEFT...then had another relationship, not the other way around. If you are that unhappy then leave, and if the married man is THAT unhappy he would leave his wife/partner. People who have affairs want the excitement of sneaking around and the security of home life. In other words they are selfish!

BeCool Sat 28-Dec-13 21:27:25

My step-mum "won" her married man. Got it all. Until 23 years later when it all went hugely tits up in most destructive way. And then for years after she rue the day she met him.

justtoomessy Sat 28-Dec-13 21:32:22

The OW in my marriage is now my ex's wife so yes. Again he lost his child but only because he can't be arsed to see him and she doesn't want children so no way does she want a lively 4 year old around.

She's welcome to the lying cheating arse and she is his 3rd wife!

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sat 28-Dec-13 23:40:46

nkf it was Malcolm's thread (if you have seen it) but the moment has passed now anyway, but thanks

bringoutthepringles Sun 29-Dec-13 23:26:24

Even if OW does "win" the man, the relationship will always have a stink about it.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now