Come and tell me to not contact this chap.

[UterusUterusGhali]

I know you'll be firm with me and make me see sense. :-D

I've been casually seeing someone for a few months. FB type thing. Predictably I've fallen for him. He's been clear from the start it was never going to be serious.

So I need to stop contact, right?

But he's a really good friend too. I love having him in my life.
But I'll be heartbroken when he finds someone he really likes. (We're both still dating half heartedly)

Kick me up the arse, please!

[UterusUterusGhali]

Namechange fail

[Earlybird]

Don't contact him unless you can handle a casual relationship. If he has been clear from the start about what he wants (before he even got to know you), it is obvious that he was never open to the possibility of a relationship and was/is emotionally unavailable. Don't waste your time and energy pining away, hoping he'll change. It will be painful and who needs that?

Fwiw, some of the most charismatic/exciting/interesting people I've ever known were rubbish relationship material.

[tribpot]

You're dating each other half-heartedly? Isn't that .. er, rather depressing?

Why don't you finish with him and say you want to remain friends? You're ready for a serious relationship and he's not the one, you don't want to be missing opportunities but you're very fond of him, etc. etc.

If he doesn't want to stay friends - well, he was never a friend in the first place, then.

[UterusUterusGhali]

He told me about 3 months in he wasn't into a relationship. By then I really really liked him.
I thought I wanted a casual thing too, but apparently not. (Found myself getting peeved at his elusiveness)

[tribpot]

Well, there's no shame in that. You thought you wanted something casual, now you know you don't. Play the hand you've been dealt.

[UterusUterusGhali]

No we're dating OTHERS half heartedly.

I'm not sure I want to be his friend. I'll just get jealous.

[Donkeylovesmarzipanandmincepie]

That's a tough one.

[UterusUterusGhali]

Ach, I know I have to just be strong etc etc.

We text each other all the live-long day. Have done solidly for 6-7odd months. It's like breaking up, but without being together.

It's just so lonely!
He lives with his ex, so he doesn't NEED a girlfriend. He has companionship from her and sex & food from me.

[ThisIsMeNow]

He's telling you he doesn't want to be with you. It's shit but at least he's being honest although at the minute he seems to be having his cake and eating it.
Move on and find someone who wants to be with you and just you.
You don't have to settle for second best (or being someone else's second best).

[tribpot]

Do you actually know he's dating others 'half-heartedly'?

I don't really like the sound of this guy - living with an ex, no strings relationship with you and dating? He likes to keep his options open, doesn't he?

It doesn't sound like it is in your best interests to keep this relationship going, even though it's hurting you to end it. Your future self will thank you, I think.

[UterusUterusGhali]

Yeah.
It doesn't feel like I'm worth more. Because at the end of the day I have nothing.

No this guy is waving more red flags than a Communist party Christmas do. I've been aware of it. I've got my bs detectors on.

But by god we get on.

[UterusUterusGhali]

I hate admiring I LIKE having another person in my life. I WANT a partner.
I feel I should be a Strong Independent Woman, but I just want the occasional hug and something shiny at Christmas.

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

How about you tell him you know how you started out but you have developed strong feelings for him and wanted to let him know in case he felt the same and you want to be exclusive. He then can tell you how he feels and you can decide where you go from here. Who knows, he might be crazy about you too.

[UterusUterusGhali]

Nah. I've tried to break it off before.

He's not crazy about me. He's said he is in the past, but actions speak louder than words, don't they?

[daphnesglasses]

yes it's harder at Christmas OP. On the positive side you can start the new year without him and find someone who CAN give you what you want. Still lives with his ex - you sure he's not still with the ex?

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

They really do.

I posted before I read your other post. I don't feel this guy is good for you .

[JoanRanger]

The guy who DOES treat you well and gives you hugs will not appear in your life while this guy is in it.

[tribpot]

There's a big difference between wanting a partner and needing one. Wanting a partner is something most people feel at some point in their lives. But you can't have this guy, and whilst you stay hung up on him you won't find a partner. Then when he does, you'll be sidelined. For the sake of your own dignity, make sure that doesn't happen by binning him first.

It's hard to tell whether your self-esteem is low because you're with this guy, or you're with this guy because your self-esteem is low. Ultimately it doesn't really matter - you need to change the situation, preferably before he does and your self-esteem takes another hit.

[UterusUterusGhali]

The latter, trib.

He was literally the first guy I met after ExH dumped me. Funnily enough, h wanted to reconcile, but I was mooning over this new chap.

[UterusUterusGhali]

Not that I should have reconciled. Dh was a knob.

[daphnesglasses]

OP this guy has done you a favour in that by mooning over him you've avoided anything more with exh.

Now leave both these dudes behind and 2014 will bring you a much better guy onwards and upwards!

love your username btw

what will you do when fb man contacts you next?

[UterusUterusGhali]

I'll be polite but curt I think. He makes me laugh though.

Tbh I think he's taken the hint, or met someone already. He's not really contacted me since Thursday or Friday night when I got a cob on because he said he "couldn't" meet up to give him his Xmas pressie.

I must. Be. Strong.

[UterusUterusGhali]

Update.

He bombarded me with messages last night. (Normal)
He asked if I had found someone else.

Anyhow I told him where I stood.
He didn't object. Told me he loved me and it had been fun.

So that's it!
I'm heartbroken, but it's the right thing to do, isn't it?
Love is a verb.

[tribpot]

It sounds like you've been able to end things in an honest way, which is for the best. Very painful but this is an investment in your future happiness. Being with (or really not with) him was a useful crutch when you first left your DH but now you need to begin the business of valuing yourself enough not to accept second best.

Now: onwards and upwards. Let's play an early game of new year's resolutions. Can you name three things you want to do next year in order to enrich your life?