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Come and tell me to not contact this chap.

(180 Posts)
UterusUterusGhali Sun 22-Dec-13 13:08:26

I know you'll be firm with me and make me see sense. :-D

I've been casually seeing someone for a few months. FB type thing. Predictably I've fallen for him. He's been clear from the start it was never going to be serious.

So I need to stop contact, right?

But he's a really good friend too. I love having him in my life.
But I'll be heartbroken when he finds someone he really likes. (We're both still dating half heartedly)

Kick me up the arse, please!

UterusUterusGhali Sun 22-Dec-13 13:14:45

Namechange fail sad

Earlybird Sun 22-Dec-13 13:17:25

Don't contact him unless you can handle a casual relationship. If he has been clear from the start about what he wants (before he even got to know you), it is obvious that he was never open to the possibility of a relationship and was/is emotionally unavailable. Don't waste your time and energy pining away, hoping he'll change. It will be painful and who needs that?

Fwiw, some of the most charismatic/exciting/interesting people I've ever known were rubbish relationship material.

AntlersInAllOfMyDecorating Sun 22-Dec-13 13:19:18

You need to work out:

A) Be completely honest with him, say you feel more than you realised. Then at least you know and can move on definitively either way.
B) Make it clear you really value the friendship, and that is all you would like the relationship to be from now on, with any details you feel necessary.
C) Gradually reduce contact/ initiating intimacy - if that is what you are afraid of happening, I can see that you almost want to be proactive in letting go first. Although tempting, this might not be healthy emotionally in the long run - the refreshing of facebook, checking his friends list etc.

Either way, act with integrity and decency towards both him and yourself, if there is genuine care there I am sure you will do what is best.

tribpot Sun 22-Dec-13 13:20:39

You're dating each other half-heartedly? Isn't that .. er, rather depressing?

Why don't you finish with him and say you want to remain friends? You're ready for a serious relationship and he's not the one, you don't want to be missing opportunities but you're very fond of him, etc. etc.

If he doesn't want to stay friends - well, he was never a friend in the first place, then.

UterusUterusGhali Sun 22-Dec-13 13:21:25

He told me about 3 months in he wasn't into a relationship. By then I really really liked him.
I thought I wanted a casual thing too, but apparently not. (Found myself getting peeved at his elusiveness)

tribpot Sun 22-Dec-13 13:22:30

Well, there's no shame in that. You thought you wanted something casual, now you know you don't. Play the hand you've been dealt.

UterusUterusGhali Sun 22-Dec-13 13:23:33

No we're dating OTHERS half heartedly. blush

I'm not sure I want to be his friend. I'll just get jealous.

Donkeylovesmarzipanandmincepie Sun 22-Dec-13 14:09:20

That's a tough one.

UterusUterusGhali Sun 22-Dec-13 14:28:46

Ach, I know I have to just be strong etc etc.

We text each other all the live-long day. Have done solidly for 6-7odd months. It's like breaking up, but without being together.

It's just so lonely!
He lives with his ex, so he doesn't NEED a girlfriend. He has companionship from her and sex & food from me. sad

ThisIsMeNow Sun 22-Dec-13 14:34:28

He's telling you he doesn't want to be with you. It's shit but at least he's being honest although at the minute he seems to be having his cake and eating it.
Move on and find someone who wants to be with you and just you.
You don't have to settle for second best (or being someone else's second best).

tribpot Sun 22-Dec-13 14:36:30

Do you actually know he's dating others 'half-heartedly'?

I don't really like the sound of this guy - living with an ex, no strings relationship with you and dating? He likes to keep his options open, doesn't he?

It doesn't sound like it is in your best interests to keep this relationship going, even though it's hurting you to end it. Your future self will thank you, I think.

UterusUterusGhali Sun 22-Dec-13 14:39:44

Yeah.
It doesn't feel like I'm worth more. Because at the end of the day I have nothing.

No this guy is waving more red flags than a Communist party Christmas do. I've been aware of it. I've got my bs detectors on.

But by god we get on.
<<weepy>>

UterusUterusGhali Sun 22-Dec-13 14:42:32

I hate admiring I LIKE having another person in my life. I WANT a partner.
I feel I should be a Strong Independent Woman, but I just want the occasional hug and something shiny at Christmas.
sad

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Sun 22-Dec-13 14:42:40

How about you tell him you know how you started out but you have developed strong feelings for him and wanted to let him know in case he felt the same and you want to be exclusive. He then can tell you how he feels and you can decide where you go from here. Who knows, he might be crazy about you too.

UterusUterusGhali Sun 22-Dec-13 14:51:21

Nah. I've tried to break it off before.

He's not crazy about me. He's said he is in the past, but actions speak louder than words, don't they?

daphnesglasses Sun 22-Dec-13 14:57:56

yes it's harder at Christmas OP. On the positive side you can start the new year without him and find someone who CAN give you what you want. Still lives with his ex - you sure he's not still with the ex?

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Sun 22-Dec-13 14:58:03

They really do.

I posted before I read your other post. I don't feel this guy is good for you sad.

JoanRanger Sun 22-Dec-13 15:00:39

The guy who DOES treat you well and gives you hugs will not appear in your life while this guy is in it.

tribpot Sun 22-Dec-13 15:11:58

There's a big difference between wanting a partner and needing one. Wanting a partner is something most people feel at some point in their lives. But you can't have this guy, and whilst you stay hung up on him you won't find a partner. Then when he does, you'll be sidelined. For the sake of your own dignity, make sure that doesn't happen by binning him first.

It's hard to tell whether your self-esteem is low because you're with this guy, or you're with this guy because your self-esteem is low. Ultimately it doesn't really matter - you need to change the situation, preferably before he does and your self-esteem takes another hit.

UterusUterusGhali Sun 22-Dec-13 15:18:47

The latter, trib.

He was literally the first guy I met after ExH dumped me. Funnily enough, h wanted to reconcile, but I was mooning over this new chap.

UterusUterusGhali Sun 22-Dec-13 17:55:55

Not that I should have reconciled. Dh was a knob.

daphnesglasses Sun 22-Dec-13 18:44:07

OP this guy has done you a favour in that by mooning over him you've avoided anything more with exh.

Now leave both these dudes behind and 2014 will bring you a much better guy wink onwards and upwards!

love your username btw

what will you do when fb man contacts you next?

UterusUterusGhali Sun 22-Dec-13 19:09:13

I'll be polite but curt I think. He makes me laugh though. sad

Tbh I think he's taken the hint, or met someone already. He's not really contacted me since Thursday or Friday night when I got a cob on because he said he "couldn't" meet up to give him his Xmas pressie.

I must. Be. Strong. grin

UterusUterusGhali Mon 23-Dec-13 07:02:11

Update.

He bombarded me with messages last night. (Normal)
He asked if I had found someone else.

Anyhow I told him where I stood.
He didn't object. Told me he loved me and it had been fun.

So that's it!
I'm heartbroken, but it's the right thing to do, isn't it?
Love is a verb.

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