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How do you cope after an affair?

(39 Posts)
drinkyourmilk Wed 18-Dec-13 19:28:39

I found out my fiancé was seeing someone else for the first 7 years we were together! It's now nearly 11 years. So he has only managed 4 years of fidelity.
I'm so messed up. I don't know what to think or feel or say. I've only told a couple of people and one said that as it was so long ago and he obviously chose me then I've nothing to worry about. But I'm so angry, and sad, and confused and numb. To me this is very new.
How am I supposed to deal with it?

AuntieStella Wed 18-Dec-13 19:31:14

Over time.

You do not have to decide now what to do. Indeed in the immediate aftermath, you may not be in good enough shape to make big decisions.

How can you get time and space to think?

Fairenuff Wed 18-Dec-13 19:39:35

So sorry to hear this OP. How did you find out?

drinkyourmilk Wed 18-Dec-13 19:42:45

Thanks for the reply.
I've got a couple of days away before Christmas (who knew a funeral could be welcomed?!), then I've got 10 days with his family- who are absolutely lovely, I'm hoping being with them will help us focus on something other than this.

drinkyourmilk Wed 18-Dec-13 19:46:46

How did I find out? I think I always suspected to be brutally honest. He was unavailable at weekends a few too many times in the first couple of years, but I ignored it and carried on.
His mum said something a couple of months ago that hit home and when I couldn't ignore the niggle anymore I confronted him (in a very busy pub, he couldn't escape). I was very calm about the whole thing at the time. It's only now, after a couple of weeks I'm falling apart.

Fairenuff Wed 18-Dec-13 19:54:04

So it's only a couple of weeks since you found out he cheated on you for 7 years?

drinkyourmilk Wed 18-Dec-13 19:56:58

Yes.
It's just shit. I'm being pathetic and refusing to talk to him tonight. I'm hiding in the bedroom.

doasyouwouldbedoneby Wed 18-Dec-13 19:58:44

If he can carry off being unfaithful and probably lying to you for all these years l don't really see how you can recover from this. The trust you thought you had does not exist. The man you thought he was does not exist. I would consider not spending the 10 days with his "lovely" family and take time out to consider if you want to spend the rest of your life with this cheat--constantly looking over your shoulder wondering what he is doing and who he is with.

drinkyourmilk Wed 18-Dec-13 20:06:39

doas this is what I'm struggling with. On one hand I am very much in love with him, on the other I can't see how I will ever be able to trust him again.

We are going to see a counsellor (who I know and trust) on 27th. At the moment I don't want my oh anywhere near me, but I think when I calm down I would regret not trying to see if we could make things work again.

lotsofcheese Wed 18-Dec-13 20:10:19

OP, please step back & think if you WANT it to work again.

You're not married, you don't have children. You can walk away. You can choose to leave a liar & a cheat.

You must still be in shock; please don't make any rash decisions.

drinkyourmilk Wed 18-Dec-13 20:15:13

I'm hoping that speaking to the counsellor will help. The the moment I don't know what I want.
Well that's not true. I want it all to go away and things to go back to the way they were. Unhelpful I know.

MerryFuckingChristmas Wed 18-Dec-13 20:15:27

he was two timing you for years and his family knew ?

and you want to spend xmas with them ?

have you taken leave of your senses ? confused

drinkyourmilk Wed 18-Dec-13 20:16:25

7 years is just ridiculous. I also wonder if I am the other woman or she is.

MerryFuckingChristmas Wed 18-Dec-13 20:17:56

Indeed.

drinkyourmilk Wed 18-Dec-13 20:18:25

His family knew her, I worked away from the area, in other countries at points in fact, so while they knew of me- they thought I was his friend only.

MerryFuckingChristmas Wed 18-Dec-13 20:19:09

He hadn't told them he was in a relationship with you, and made out he was in one with her ?

then yes, you are the OW

Ummm
Don't marry him. That's my only advice.

drinkyourmilk Wed 18-Dec-13 20:23:19

I asked him why he 'chose' in the end. He said because I was moving back to the UK and he realised I was the one.
He is a spineless prick isn't he?

Fairenuff Wed 18-Dec-13 20:25:09

Oh there is so much to sort out here. His family thought that she was his girlfriend.

And you were his friend.

You seriously need to think about whether you actually want to be with him. I don't see how you could ever get over this much deceit.

What does he have to say about it all?

Phalenopsis Wed 18-Dec-13 20:28:15

We are going to see a counsellor (who I know and trust) on 27th

Apologies if I've got the wrong end of the stick here but what do you mean by 'know'? It's not through a church is it?

I ask because there are individuals who are church 'counsellors' who aren't counsellors at all and have a very specific agenda.

doasyouwouldbedoneby Wed 18-Dec-13 20:29:09

Yep
Spineless cheating prick

doasyouwouldbedoneby Wed 18-Dec-13 20:31:07

He "chose" you because he knew he could not continue with his double life when you were home.
If he could have continued having his cake and eating it l am sure you would still be the OW today.
I am so sorry that your entire relationship has been built on a lie sad

drinkyourmilk Wed 18-Dec-13 20:31:16

He is saying all the right things. Eager to go to counselling yada yada. However it's just words. I go from feeling angry to teary to numb.
I'm not sure if I believe him.
Maybe it's just easier for him to stay with me than not? For me to stay would be the harder road.
It just seems so unfair that I've done nothing wrong yet I'm the one hurt in the first place and I'm the one that has to deal with it (emotionally) if it's going to work.
I'm wondering if it's actually like starting a new relationship, because how can I ever trust anything from the before?

MerryFuckingChristmas Wed 18-Dec-13 20:33:16

Obviously you can't, because the whole foundation of your relationship was a lie

drinkyourmilk Wed 18-Dec-13 20:33:45

I have used this counsellor before. For CBT, for anxiety and depression. Not from a church!

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