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Tips on getting over a broken heart please

(66 Posts)
duckandcover Wed 18-Dec-13 16:27:43

In the space of 24 hours a new relationship with a man I absolutely adore seems to have gone tits-up - and I am heartbroken. I don't want to go into because I'm scared it boils down to the fact he is just not as bothered as I am. He is absolutely not a bastard, in fact he is lovely. Well, I would say that as I am mad about him still. Please distill what life has taught you about surviving this awful, insistent, bleak sadness for an old fool who can't help herself.

duckandcover Fri 17-Jan-14 13:18:51

flumble sounds like you've really held it together - I guess it's the knowledge that people live through heartbreak that gives us poor lovesick fools the confidence to dive in head-first. There is no guarantee that I won't be here again in a month, a week, an hour - but I know I have to try because I love him and I can see a life with him. That possibility is worth it...I think!

Allofaflumble Thu 16-Jan-14 18:35:37

Wow duck....looks like you may get a happy ending?

Until recently I was in a relationship which lasted seven years. In the first couple of years I was very keen and hoped we might marry one day. He was a bit of a drifter and because I didn't want to come across as desperate I ended up drifting along with him too. We did not live together.

In the end we were more like sister and brother and I had to end it as I still would like to remarry one day and he just was not keen on marriage, says he does not believe in it.

I went through loads of emotions, anger, grief (one day I thought my heart would break) but we met for one last time to say goodbye properly. We were a bit of a mismatch especially in the mind dept.

Funny thing is I feel like the whole thing never happened! It is like I am back to where I was before I met him, unfortunately a lot older, but I feel so calm and in a really good place.

I would say it has been about eight weeks in all. Maybe a bit easier as I put a stop to it, but it has hurt that he accepted it so easily too!

duckandcover Thu 16-Jan-14 18:19:21

solo and monkey - thank you for remembering. I'm so sorry not to post earlier. It looks like in my case there's a lot of hope and the chance of a future, which has totally amazed me. So - scarily - I've realised that I'm so in love that I've never been so much in love, that I need to trust when he tells me, with no drama or game-playing, that he loves me too. It could happen any time of course - the end - but for now I've got to knuckle down to the reality of love! A d calm down with the am-drams...yikes! How are you, ladies?

CarolinePerch Sat 11-Jan-14 09:36:14

I'm in my 50s. About this time last year my partner of five years dumped me - came out of almost nowhere. I had some really tough stuff going on at the time and the timing and way he did it was unkind, unnecessary and disrespectful, but he was a good decent person who just didn't have the guts to end it properly.

But a year on I am so glad he is not in my life - yes I miss having a man to fix stuff and of course the sex, but I don't miss him.

At the time of the dumping I kept busy and kept my dignity - didn't chase, went NC, discussed with a good friend what a tosser he was and I'm so glad I did. After perhaps 3 months I can honestly say he no longer mattered. And actually after a month or so I was fairly okay.

Onwards and upwards. Plenty more of em about.

WhoGivesAMonkey Fri 10-Jan-14 23:31:58

What happened OP? <hopeful>

solosolong Fri 10-Jan-14 23:05:19

Duck, just wondering if you are out there and if you met 'him' today as planned - if so, how was it?

solosolong Mon 06-Jan-14 21:15:51

Sounds good. I could have done with something to take my mind off things too. Unfortunately, I woke up with a stinking cold, which was the last thing I needed, so have been feeling a bit sorry for myself whilst trying to prepare for a big meeting tomorrow. Bit of a crappy day, but hopefully the week will get better. Onwards and upwards...

duckandcover Mon 06-Jan-14 20:00:27

Good for you solo - I had was on a totally engrossing course today so the pain has been at bay. Also started watching Breaking Bad - odd therapy but it's so absorbing it works!

solosolong Mon 06-Jan-14 01:06:48

Good advice. I did a bit of DIY myself today - just a few small jobs that I had been waiting for 'him' to do. It did make me feel better.

iamonthepursuitofhappiness Sun 05-Jan-14 22:56:18

I have had my heart broken this year too. How to Heal a Broken Heart is a good book to put things into perspective.

Try and keep busy, my house has never been so clean or organised....

solosolong Sun 05-Jan-14 20:42:12

Duck, that's such a lovely turn of phrase about your love being shaped for him. I hope he knows what he will be missing. Silly man!
I do hope that Friday will go well for you and at least give you some clarity to move forward if nothing else.
Yes, busy week for me too - forgetting is good, but then sometimes you need to wallow as well. Sounds like that was what you were doing today.
I am calmer today - last night was a bit of a low point and I got in rather a panic about it all. Today I have been in a much better frame of mind. I got a lovely email from 'mine' - probably not helpful as it doesn't resolve anything really, but it means that there is still some hope. If we can talk tomorrow maybe we can make some progress.
It is so hard to know when to carry on hoping and when to give up....
Let's hope we can both work that out this week at least.

duckandcover Sun 05-Jan-14 17:24:59

wild well done. I'm seeing 'mine' on Friday so I guess that's my big chance to see a) if it really has died a death and b) have the bravery to make that day one of the timeline of recovery. I've been a classic case of heartbreak today, wafting around an art gallery looking for sad stories and thinking of cards I would buy him and things I would write. I had so much more love for him if he wanted it. And it's shaped for him so won't fit anyone else. Plenty to focus on next week though so will do my damnedest to forget until Friday. How are you both west and solo ?

solosolong Sun 05-Jan-14 11:44:24

Well done, Wildwest. I am trying hard to find the strength to do the same. It's so hard though. I would feel much better if I could do it face to face but that doesn't seem possible as he's too far away. Hope you're feeling OK today. I will try to feel stronger so I can do the same thing.

wildwest Sun 05-Jan-14 02:33:08

I've just officially ended it. Told him I won't be in contact again. And after no reply - I've deleted everything - deleted him off facebook, his emails, his text messages, his phone number. Will be staying away from places I know he'll be. I don't want to hang around in Limbo over a guy who clearly thinks I'm not worth it. I'm done. And feeling good about it. Silly man. Definitely lights out for me now. x

solosolong Sun 05-Jan-14 01:49:25

I actually wish he would just end it properly now. I don't think he is strong enough though, so I guess I need to find some strength from somewhere. Hope you can too. Sleep well!

wildwest Sun 05-Jan-14 01:46:22

I know what you mean about not facing the fact that it is over. I'm the same. Maybe that's what we need to do though - accept it. That way we can at least start moving on. Bed for me too!

solosolong Sun 05-Jan-14 01:22:33

I know you are right. I know what I need to do, but I just don't seem to be strong enough to do it. I can't face it finally being over, even though I know it is. I do know that I will feel better eventually, but right now I just feel so sad and so bloody tired.
Maybe tomorrow - if I manage to get some sleep - I'll feel a bit better...
Thanks for the kick up the arse though. I know you're right really!

sparklysilversequins Sun 05-Jan-14 01:13:16

They do get worse I agree.

I had a relationship a year or two after my second marriage ended and he dumped me, but some reason it affected me horribly, utterly heart broken. Foolishly at the six week point I drunk texted him and ended up meeting up <<ahem>>. It was still over though but by doing that I had put myself right back at the start.

Get that time line started lady! wink

solosolong Sun 05-Jan-14 01:08:00

Sparkly, I fear you're right. I'm still in the not-accepting phase where it's not clear if it's finally over. I think in my heart I know it is, and I should probably be the one to walk away, as he is just keeping me dangling on a string at the moment. Also, I know that your time-line won't even start properly until one of us finally ends it. At the moment, the first horrendous phase is just being strung out...

I can't help feeling I should know better by now. You imagine these things should get easier as you get older (and possibly wiser) but actually it seems worse...

Twinklestein Sun 05-Jan-14 01:00:16

Some people are lovely as friends but awful as lovers...

sparklysilversequins Sun 05-Jan-14 00:54:32

This is my heartbreak time line:

First three days - horrendous, can barely get out of bed, can't tell anyone without bursting into tears.

After three days a smidgen better, but only a smidgen.

Two weeks - still feels horrendous but you've accepted it.

Six weeks - you're kind of getting there - feeling relatively normal, but if you heard from him or about him you'd be utterly crushed.

6 months - 2 years depending on length of relationship, you may feel ready to start dating again.

I've been married twice and lived with two others and this is roughly how it's gone. Obviously it's extended if its all messy and you have to stay living with them while finances etc are sorted.

No contact of any kind is the only way to speed up the process as hard as it feels initially.

solosolong Sun 05-Jan-14 00:42:30

Yes, so suddenly. The thing is he must be lovely otherwise you wouldn't have fallen in love with him, but that doesn't mean that he is capable of making you happy, or that being lovely is enough.
The thing is we all know this stuff - but it is one thing telling someone else and another being able to use it to make yourself feel any better!
All the what ifs and if onlys are really hard though.

duckandcover Sun 05-Jan-14 00:37:13

solo I'm so sorry - the landscape certainly changes suddenly doesn't it? And of course your point about inevitability is true: so it happened now? It wd always have happened at some point. Must stop telling myself that he is lovely too, I only knew him as a lover for two months, and he hasn't proved lovely in that role :-(

solosolong Sun 05-Jan-14 00:30:49

Oh yes, that magic bullet would be great!!
Don't blame yourself Duckandcover, I think that in the end if something is going to go wrong it will do, one way or the other.
I can be absolutely fine and then just fall apart at something insignificant. And I know exactly what you mean about things feeling strange - I keep having to check myself, because it just feels like a nightmare, and I am going to wake up and it will all be ok - and then other times I can't believe that we were ever together in the first place.
Good advice, Grumpasaurus and Saidthecat
Thanks, everyone it feels better just knowing I'm not the only one...

duckandcover Sun 05-Jan-14 00:23:31

Should have said: thank you for advice. It's all the sane stuff I should be telling myself but can't - so thank you.

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