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Tips on getting over a broken heart please

(66 Posts)
duckandcover Wed 18-Dec-13 16:27:43

In the space of 24 hours a new relationship with a man I absolutely adore seems to have gone tits-up - and I am heartbroken. I don't want to go into because I'm scared it boils down to the fact he is just not as bothered as I am. He is absolutely not a bastard, in fact he is lovely. Well, I would say that as I am mad about him still. Please distill what life has taught you about surviving this awful, insistent, bleak sadness for an old fool who can't help herself.

duckandcover Wed 18-Dec-13 20:07:09

pyjama and other NC recommenders : thank you. All trace of him has gone , and I certainly wd have sent him some hideously brittle text by now otherwise.

JeanSeberg Wed 18-Dec-13 20:18:15

Take care duck and here's to a great 2014 for you.

duckandcover Wed 18-Dec-13 21:01:49

jean thank you - the concept of a new year made my heart lift a little!

JeanSeberg Wed 18-Dec-13 21:13:13

Great! Only 2 weeks to go!

tiamariaxxx Wed 18-Dec-13 23:36:59

All i can say is times a healer. I ended up back with the guy who broke my heart and hes now my hubby and things arent perfect but we are happy (most the time)

At the time i just gor peed out of my head and would go out finding new guys makes you feel better for a little while until you wake up and realise you still miss that person sad

MeMySonAndI Wed 18-Dec-13 23:47:43

The best advice I was given was to write down all the things I hated or found worrying about him. It was a wonderful reminder or why the end was for the best at times when due to so much nostalgia I started to idealise him.

And remember, someone that goes from great boyfriend/husband/friend/partner to nothing in the space of 24 hours is not worth staying with. You need someone that knows relationships are not to be left without warning, you either try to work things through together or the one leaving starts giving some hint about the incoming end. Dumping someone unexpectedly is very cruel, so he couldn't be such a good guy unless you have done something bad enough to break the deal.

Stupidhead Thu 19-Dec-13 05:55:01

http://breakuprecoveryguide.com

^^ this kept me sane. We split after three years and I was heartbroken. I removed everything of his, bought new bedding, rearranged furniture, treated myself as best I could, threw myself into work. We were, I thought, perfect. We stayed in minimal contact, he'd text two or three times a week and I'd reply but I'd never initiate. He'd call in for a cuppa occasionally. I tried dating (I'm also of the mindset get over one by getting under another..couldn't bring myself to actually 'do it').

After 8 weeks he asked to call around and we talked for hours. We'd lost 'us' somewhere and I agreed. Within a week he'd moved back in and we're officially engaged and due to marry next year smile it has NEVER been better!

duckandcover Thu 19-Dec-13 08:04:16

tia and stupidhead - am so pleased for your happy endings! I've not totally abandoned hope of my own. Made a concerted effort to keep busy yesterday ( hard as the weather was horrific and neither DDog or DD were keen to get out. I've starting writing down all the projects I could lose myself in and it's quite a list, so today is day one of pulling myself together. The pain is a hard knott today, not so generalised, so I feel I have a fighting chance of ignoring it.

solosolong Sat 04-Jan-14 23:28:44

I know this is an old thread, but I just discovered it whilst attempting to patch up my own broken heart. How are you doing? It would be good to hear something positive...?
My heartbreak dates from around the same time as yours - and sounds quite similar. I managed to get through Christmas and New Year by pretending everything was ok. It isn't though. I don't even know if it's definitely over but it feels like it is and I am devastated and just don't want to feel so shit.
Any advice greatly appreciated.

wildwest Sat 04-Jan-14 23:50:51

Mine happened out of the blue New Years day! I told him I loved him and he said it was too soon. That he wasn't there yet. Which was fine. He's taken me on loads of dates, we've been in constant contact. When I wasn't with him he told me how much he missed me. Monday the 30th December we had a four hour lunch date which was perfect. We laughed the whole time. He had invited me to spend christmas next year with his family at their holiday home in France. We talked babies. Now I get 'we want different things'. I feel so hurt. I'd also like to know how op got on. Men are shit aren't they. Even the ones you think won't be. :-( Feel really sad right now.

solosolong Sat 04-Jan-14 23:57:29

Me too! And yes, they really are shit. It took me so long after my last break up to trust someone, and I think I picked the wrong person - again!
After spending a year together - during which he was constantly asking me to marry him - he is now staying with his ex and telling me to forget about him. I know it's not good to keep trying to understand it, but it's so hard when it all seems so sudden.
Sending a big hug!

wildwest Sun 05-Jan-14 00:10:51

Big hug back.

I have no clue as to the sudden change of heart but what I do know (from my split with my xh) is that with men - you never get the answers anyway. I don't think there is such a thing as 'closure'. You have to move on without the answers you want. So crappy.

I'm not sure I'll be able to trust again. This one has really flawed me. I thought this was 'my guy'. X

solosolong Sun 05-Jan-14 00:16:18

Me too. I really thought he was the one, after all these years of waiting.

I agree. Often there are no answers, or none which make any sense.

I feel exactly the same. I trusted this one against my better judgement and after years of feeling deeply cynical. I feel like he persuaded me to fall in love with him. He went on and on about how I hadn't been treated properly in the past, and should learn to trust again - and then completely betrayed me.

Nope. I won't be trusting anyone else in a hurry.

saidthecattothemouse Sun 05-Jan-14 00:16:48

Be very kind to yourself
Avoid watching or reading sad things
Keep up with your friends
Avoid contact woth ex or his friends
Feel free to cry as much as you want.
drink wine and eat chocolate
have long baths
x

Grumpasaurus Sun 05-Jan-14 00:18:12

Broken hearts are just the worst things, aren't they?

My advice would be to remember as often as possible that you won't feel like this forever and you will start to recover over time!

In the mean while, surround yourself with friends and family who make you laugh, force yourself to do things you enjoy, and try to remember that you were once fulfilled and happy before him and you will be those things again after him!

duckandcover Sun 05-Jan-14 00:21:55

Hello again! I'm so touched that you've thought of me, folks...but so sorry you're feeling it too. Still in touch with this man - but realising slowly that whatever lovely magic was there has gone :-( we had such a wonderful friendship for so long, but maybe that is how it should have stayed. I have the vague feeling that he perhaps wanted me for longer than I knew and that's what kept our contact going rather than real feeling. Today has been bad...you know days when everything just feels bleak? I've just cried at The 40 Year-old Virgin for God's sake! Not drinking in January is another challenge, all I want to do is get a good night's sleep, but I really need to work at this. I was initially asking for a magic bullet, I think, but I know this is childish. Cannot get over how everything looks and feels strange though, not how it looked three weeks ago when we were 'in love.' I have to admit: there is a large age gap and part of it going wrong was my falling apart in front of all these sophisticated 50-somethings and feeling like a bloody dumpy mistress :-(

duckandcover Sun 05-Jan-14 00:23:31

Should have said: thank you for advice. It's all the sane stuff I should be telling myself but can't - so thank you.

solosolong Sun 05-Jan-14 00:30:49

Oh yes, that magic bullet would be great!!
Don't blame yourself Duckandcover, I think that in the end if something is going to go wrong it will do, one way or the other.
I can be absolutely fine and then just fall apart at something insignificant. And I know exactly what you mean about things feeling strange - I keep having to check myself, because it just feels like a nightmare, and I am going to wake up and it will all be ok - and then other times I can't believe that we were ever together in the first place.
Good advice, Grumpasaurus and Saidthecat
Thanks, everyone it feels better just knowing I'm not the only one...

duckandcover Sun 05-Jan-14 00:37:13

solo I'm so sorry - the landscape certainly changes suddenly doesn't it? And of course your point about inevitability is true: so it happened now? It wd always have happened at some point. Must stop telling myself that he is lovely too, I only knew him as a lover for two months, and he hasn't proved lovely in that role :-(

solosolong Sun 05-Jan-14 00:42:30

Yes, so suddenly. The thing is he must be lovely otherwise you wouldn't have fallen in love with him, but that doesn't mean that he is capable of making you happy, or that being lovely is enough.
The thing is we all know this stuff - but it is one thing telling someone else and another being able to use it to make yourself feel any better!
All the what ifs and if onlys are really hard though.

sparklysilversequins Sun 05-Jan-14 00:54:32

This is my heartbreak time line:

First three days - horrendous, can barely get out of bed, can't tell anyone without bursting into tears.

After three days a smidgen better, but only a smidgen.

Two weeks - still feels horrendous but you've accepted it.

Six weeks - you're kind of getting there - feeling relatively normal, but if you heard from him or about him you'd be utterly crushed.

6 months - 2 years depending on length of relationship, you may feel ready to start dating again.

I've been married twice and lived with two others and this is roughly how it's gone. Obviously it's extended if its all messy and you have to stay living with them while finances etc are sorted.

No contact of any kind is the only way to speed up the process as hard as it feels initially.

Twinklestein France Sun 05-Jan-14 01:00:16

Some people are lovely as friends but awful as lovers...

solosolong Sun 05-Jan-14 01:08:00

Sparkly, I fear you're right. I'm still in the not-accepting phase where it's not clear if it's finally over. I think in my heart I know it is, and I should probably be the one to walk away, as he is just keeping me dangling on a string at the moment. Also, I know that your time-line won't even start properly until one of us finally ends it. At the moment, the first horrendous phase is just being strung out...

I can't help feeling I should know better by now. You imagine these things should get easier as you get older (and possibly wiser) but actually it seems worse...

sparklysilversequins Sun 05-Jan-14 01:13:16

They do get worse I agree.

I had a relationship a year or two after my second marriage ended and he dumped me, but some reason it affected me horribly, utterly heart broken. Foolishly at the six week point I drunk texted him and ended up meeting up <<ahem>>. It was still over though but by doing that I had put myself right back at the start.

Get that time line started lady! wink

solosolong Sun 05-Jan-14 01:22:33

I know you are right. I know what I need to do, but I just don't seem to be strong enough to do it. I can't face it finally being over, even though I know it is. I do know that I will feel better eventually, but right now I just feel so sad and so bloody tired.
Maybe tomorrow - if I manage to get some sleep - I'll feel a bit better...
Thanks for the kick up the arse though. I know you're right really!

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