Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Friends to lovers question

(23 Posts)
Charcoalbriquettes Wed 18-Dec-13 00:15:04

So, I am separated, and since about August, I have been seeing a bit more of a friend I knew from 15 years ago. He is an incredible guy... Has been a single dad for years, and is a wonderful parent, hardworking, talented, intelligent, and we can discuss anything and agree with each other about the important things. He makes me laugh and we have really happy times together. He is kind, respectful and really caring.

He would be as near to a perfect lover/ maybe more that I could meet.

But he is quite a bit older than me, and it puts me off. I have always fallen head over heels and got involved with people I am overwhelmingly attracted to... And this is not like that at all. However all my previous relationships have not exactly worked out... So maybe I need to do things difffferently?

Can attraction grow in a friendship where there was none previously? Or in friendships which bloom into romances, was that attraction always there but maybe not acknowledged?

beaglesaresweet Wed 18-Dec-13 00:26:08

attraction for women is not always there to start with (sometimes applies to men too). But you obviously have to find him at least pleasant to look at, especially you should find his face attractive, and pleasant enough to touch/hug. If you feel it would be actually an effort to want to hug him, that's not going to change, but just lack of mad fireworks from the start is actually a good thing imo, if you really are compatible on all other levels, it will come.

TwistedRib Wed 18-Dec-13 00:31:44

Yes! I knew DH for 10 years before we got married. The love thing was slowly grown but we're still together after 16years

Charcoalbriquettes Wed 18-Dec-13 00:33:52

lack of mad fireworks from the start is actually a good thing imo,

Really? Do go on!

We hug a lot. But he has aged so much since I first knew him! I always find that a little shocking when I look at his face sad

Charcoalbriquettes Wed 18-Dec-13 00:34:57

So twisted rib, you didn't fancy him at all in those 10 years? And then what brought it on?

beaglesaresweet Wed 18-Dec-13 00:40:09

btw the fact he makes you laugh and makes you feel happy is hugely important, I'd say you're half way there. Do you flirt with him? Try and see wheter this sparks some amourous action from him.

beaglesaresweet Wed 18-Dec-13 00:45:24

to answer your last post, as you know from your past r-ships, the mad fireworks are really lust and no sign of anything deeper or lasting! Some psychologists say that if you immediately fancy someone you should especially take time to know the man, as the lust just blinds you to all sorts! That's if you aer looking for relationship, not just sex.
Age thing - I see that it can be a bit off-putting, esp if you see it as a long term prospect. But when it comes to chemistry, many men have still high sex drive and can be a good lover regardless of te aged face, you won't know until you ar intimate with him? I think you'll know a lot from kissing tbh.

Charcoalbriquettes Wed 18-Dec-13 00:47:23

I like the idea of flirting in theory, but can't put it into practise.... I tell myself that I am not really ready yet, as have been separated for less than a year. But. There is another friend from about 15 years ago who would make a hopeless partner, and who I am studiously avoiding as I know what will happen if we are both single the next time we see each other blush

beaglesaresweet Wed 18-Dec-13 00:47:35

what I meant re kissing - it's the energy and the right vibe for you that's either there or not.

Charcoalbriquettes Wed 18-Dec-13 00:49:34

Which maybe means I am ready for a lover but nothing serious....

Charcoalbriquettes Wed 18-Dec-13 00:50:47

The kissing vibe is not there. Yet.

beaglesaresweet Wed 18-Dec-13 00:51:56

give the good guy a chance, avoid the othre one grin - sounds like you need to be told this! As I say, sometimes when you become intimate, you really can see him differently if the tactile side works for you - and especially the case that he cares about you - I think this translates into passion. Just try kissing first, what's there to lose? Assuming he's showing interest already! Did he say what he feels about you?

beaglesaresweet Wed 18-Dec-13 00:53:20

Well, ok, but then why the thread? if you just want lovers, then tell him you want to stay fiends for now while you sow you wild oats.

beaglesaresweet Wed 18-Dec-13 00:55:01

I meant the vibe may start when you start kissing - unless you think it would not be even pleasant, in which case, he's not for you!

Charcoalbriquettes Wed 18-Dec-13 00:56:44

Yes I think I have come on here exactly to be told that grin

I think he is interested, but a few attempted kisses have been a bit awkward.... blush

Charcoalbriquettes Wed 18-Dec-13 00:58:59

Bugger.... This is the problem! I wish I could fancy the nice guy! Why do I have to fancy the hopeless guy?

beaglesaresweet Wed 18-Dec-13 01:17:41

ah so you've already kissed! that's not so good, i.e, that nothing clicked. Sometimes it does improve (happened to ne a few times that first kissing was not great, but then spiralled), maybe you need a bit of wine to relax? I think you have an image in your head about how he should look and it really interferes. Maybe spend more time as friends with him then, see if you want to try again later. Or just decide that you don't want a r-ship and then leave him be.

beaglesaresweet Wed 18-Dec-13 01:18:53

it's kind of a safe option - hopeless guy means it won't be real, no commitment.

gleekster Wed 18-Dec-13 08:34:53

beagles, I really do understand your pain here, but you are less than a year single.
There are more than two men in the world. Get out there and enjoy yourself. Forget these two and make a NY resolution to make new friends of both sexes.
I am a little worried that you may have fallen into the "trap" of going through your mental rolladex of "men from my past" as you say both your candidates are guys you have known for 15 years?
New Year. New You. New Men.
Good Luck!!

Charcoalbriquettes Wed 18-Dec-13 09:54:39

you have an image in your head about how he should look and it really interferes. so true... 10 years with the same guy will do that for you!

the "trap" of going through your mental rolladex of "men from my past"
Tell me more about this as a trap.... It is rather easy! After all I know them and trust them.... And I don't feel confident about making decisions about new people I meet now, after all it's not just me I have to make the decisions for, I have 2 dependent dc as well. And clearly some of the decisions I have made in the past were questionable. Sigh.

Charcoalbriquettes Wed 18-Dec-13 09:59:09

I don't know how safe an option hopeless guy is.... Part of the reason that it would be hopeless is that he lives in a city 4 hours away, and I an't see him moving. I am not moving until my dc finish school... So that is a major stumbling block. The potential to get emotionally involved and heartbroken is definately there. I wonder if I am looking to the past because the relationship is already half formed and the idea of getting together with someone who I don't know and who doesn't know me is frankly very scary.

TwistedRib Wed 18-Dec-13 17:02:28

Charcoal we went on holiday... Prior to that we were each involved with other people, but we were always in contact as friends during that time

Joysmum Wed 18-Dec-13 17:10:40

My hubby was my best friend. I never thought of him as anything else, didn't fancy him, didn't think if him in THAT way. Then he made a move on me and it was immediately clear we were compatible, as well as best friends. We've been together 19 years and have a strong friendships hip, marriage and sex life.

Sad thing is, if he hadn't made a move, I never would have and we wouldn't be together.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now