Threesome got complicated...

[Honeybee88x]

Hi I am new to mumsnet. I have browsed the site many times before but never signed up but I just wanted some input about a current situation I have. I am sorry but this is going to be a long post and i am very grateful to anyone who reads it all and can help me...well i dont really know what i want from posting this i think i just want to get it all out of my head.

I will be 26 soon and have an amazing husband, who will be 28 soon and 2 kids, DD who is nearly 2.5 and DS who is 8 months.

I know that when some of you read the rest of my post you will probably think that I am lying to you or myself but My husband and I have a very good relationship we have been through alot together over the last 6 years of our relationship and we have so much respect and love for each other we talk about everything and dont really fight much. My husband has in the past been very ill and I have had to deal with the very real threat that he would be taken from me without either of us wanting that to happen and it has a way of making you appreciate each other.

My husband has always liked the idea of seeing me sleep with other men or having a threesome. we talked about this for along time and decided to make this fantasy a reality this summer. We researched this and all the sites said not to do it with someone you know as i more often than not getting complicated, but i wasnt comfortable doing it with someone I didnt know and trust so we eventually decided to ask my husbands best friend, he is 30 and single, he lives down south (we live in the East Midlands) so we dont see him all the time anyway. Ill call him D.

He agreed to experiment with us and we had alot of fun between june and august. but after having my little girl in 2011 i have been battling postnatal depression and i hit an all time low in the middle of august and after not being able to sleep for 36 hours i ran off not really thinking of what i was doing or where i was going i ended up closer to D than the East Midlands. as my husband needed to stay with our kids and i cant drive and i did not want to come home and cope with things D came to find me at the hotel i had booked myself into and after listening to me for a while he took me out to get something to eat and drove me around pointing out landmarks and we went to his house for a few minutes, we didnt stay long as his dad lives with him and didnt want to explain why i was there and my husband wasnt as this was also the first time i had been to his house (D finds it hard to get close to people so i think he wanted to get out of the hotel cos he didnt know what to say to me to make me feel better).

He took me back to the hotel and we ended up kissing and getting in the shower together until i said i had promised my husband that we wouldnt do anything sexual when he wasnt there and we stopped. D was very upset with himself for letting my husband down. as i said he is very closed off but he was visibly upset when he realised what he had done. my husband was understandly very upset and angry mainly for the fact that he felt D had took advantage of me when i was in such a vulnerable state.

my husband decided he needed some space away from him. D keep sending messages and a letter. and eventually my hubby let him back in, he is a very big part of our life our families see D as family and our kids love "uncle D" to bits and he loves them and my hubby didnt want to shut him off from all that and he missed his best friend.

we all agreed that things were getting to close and decided to stop the threesome.

my problem is that I was getting emotionally attached to D while having sex and we would cuddle afterwards sometimes for hours. I feel like i have now got to the point where i think i have fallen in love with him. i thought at first it was just because of the intimacy of the sex but it hasnt gone away. it is starting to hurt being around him and not being able to touch and kiss him. it hurts so badly to think he is going to be with someone else at some point and i cant and shouldnt do anything about it but it is still going to phsyically hurt to see someone else in his arms, kissing him and getting close to him. i am so confused it is hurting to feel this way and not being able to be with him.

but on the other hand when i look at this logically i know that i love my husband more than anything and he is my soul mate, he matches me perfectly, we have a good, close, intimate, respectful relationship and i know that if i left and had a relationship with D (thats if hed have me!) i wouldnt be happy as D has issues with intimacy and getting close to someone, he does somethings that annoy me so much and i just know that it would work for a while and then the relationship would go bad.

my husband and me have talked about all this. he knows everything about what i am thinking and feeling and he is so supportive and listens to me and tries to help me feel better but i am hurting because i know how much it must be hurting him to hear about my feelings for another man.

I have thought about this and the only way i can think of is like you broke up with someone (as thats what is feels like but worse as i shouldnt feel this way and cant really talk my feelings through with anyone) i am so confused i feel rejected and unwanted by him because he doesnt tell me he wants me or how he feels about me but my hubby always says to me that its not that he doesnt want me its just that he knows hes not allowed to show it.

but when you break uo with someone you distance yourself and have time to heel and dont usually see them again to bring up the feelings or not being wanted and you cut them off. i said to my husband i want to cut D off and have no contact so that we can deal with my feelings but he is resistant to the idea as he doesnt want to lose his best friend and doesnt want our families to question his absence as he is so ingrained in family events and have our children miss him.

I just dont know what to do anymore. i am still trying to get myself out of the black hole that opened up in august and this is another thing getting me down.

I think about D soooo much and imagine being with but i cant (and actually really dont want to ) but i cant make the feelings go away no matter how hard i try :(

[antimatter]

I can only advise to look for sex/couples counselling.

I feel your dh wants to perhaps control you or maybe have more threesomes weith this friend in the future.

[MadameDefarge]

I have reported your post because you have mentioned your children by name and age. Not a good idea.

[maras2]

Me too.Poor kids.

[Cerisier]

Don't act on your feelings if you want to save your marriage. Also step back and think carefully what you really want going on, don't go along with things to appease your DH as he sounds controlling from what you have said.

You are very young really and sound quite vulnerable. Please put your children and your mental health first before some fantasy of your DH's.

[paxtecum]

Threesomes do often go wrong in this way.

These fantasies are best kept as just that.
Your DH has caused all this for wanting his fantasy to be a reality.
It is much harder for women to keep their emotions out of sex.

I think you need to concentrate on yourself and your family, the hurt will go away with time.

There would be a massive problem too if you got pregnant.

Like others have said, do not go along with your DHs suggestions in future.

Best wishes to you all.

[paxtecum]

Reading your last paragraph I think your DH is a complete fool.
He is more worried about family wondering why D isn't around than your mental health.

He really isn't putting you first.

All this has happened because of his bloody dick.
Just having making love with the woman he loves wasn't enough, HE wanted to make it extra exciting and live out his fantasies and now you are in a complete mess and he's not helping.

If you want to talk to someone annonymously the Samaritan's are wonderful and they do not judge.

You will get some harsh comments on here.

[Lazyjaney]

I don't believe anyone for real would name their kids. Reported.

[paxtecum]

Maybe the OP has changed the DCs names?

[MirandaWest]

On other forums I have used in the past it was common to give your children's names and ages - I don't feel this suggests anything untoward about the OP.

I don't know what to suggest - I do know that depression can make people act in different ways which aren't always rational. Or it could be that you and your husband aren't going to stay together. I don't think blame can be put totally on either side.

[AuntieStella]

Your DH doesn't have to lose his best friend. He just sees him without you.

I think you need to work out what you want from this marriage, and relationships in general.

[ArtVandelay]

Op, please report your post to MN HQ and get your post edited. Names, ages, locations etc. make it very easy to identify you. In future, please dont include these details, they are not umportant for the 'story' and could cause you and your family a lot of trouble and embarrassment.

[Wishfulmakeupping]

Reported for including the childrens names and ages -/which may or may not be real--

[EirikurNoromaour]

Your husband needs to support you in this if he wants things to recover between you. His reactions are very odd actually, in most cases where there is an other woman/man the hurt spouse cannot bear the idea of their partner seeing the object of their affection but he won't let you cut him off?
Also, if your kids are seeing enough of him to 'miss' him when he's not around they are probably seeing too much of him. My DS doesn't miss anyone apart from his parents. (And nursery staff since he went to school but that's different)
It's hardly surprising this has happened. You were mentally low and vulnerable and you started what is basically a triple relationship and now there is fallout. You and your husband have both been very naive and immature.

[Santaspelvicfloor]

Wake up OP. You are living in the real world but appear to have not noticed. MN threads go viral across the internet and your whole family, school friends, other parents, teachers, neighbours will know you've been shagging D

Your blindness extends to other areas of your life. You're either naive stupid or an optimist?

[Ledkr]

The only time your husband showed any concern for your feelings was when you and his friend broke his rules!
This is the result if our pornifued society where lines get blurred between fantasy and reality.
This is real life though my love and most people don't have threesomes or suchlike.
They are most definitely a head fuck especially when you are already mentally ill.
I'd also recommend some counselling.
You maybe projecting your feelings for "d" because you feel let down by your husband or it may just be because of the intimacy you have shared together which is ultimately what sex is really.
If your husband values your marriage then he would make sure you aren't around his mate for a bit but he also needs to grow up and stop trying to get his wife and friend to act out his sexual fantasy.
Are you getting treatment for your pnd

[Meerka]

I'm afraid that you have limited options, none of them without pain.

1. go for with D. It will have huge effects on your DH and kids.
   
   
2. Cut off D.
   
   
3. Remain friends with D but nothing more
   
   
4. ... is going to cause a lot of trouble. It doenst take a genius to see what will happen. Plus D has intimacy issues 2). Is going to upset people but a lot less than 1). Can your husband see him alone, or is that not on the cards? Or can you arrange not to see him for a couple of years ? 3) Causes least waves but will be very hard emotionally. Maybe impossible, for a while.
   
   I'm afraid you're simply going to have to put up with the feelings if you choose 3. If you choose 3 then you need to make sure you're never alone with him and always treat him coolly. I do think that you owe him an explanation for the sudden chilliness and then both of you have to keep to that distance. No option, no weakening. In the long run it'll get easier, but it'll take a long time.
   
   I would say keep in mind that I .... imagine being with D but i cant (and actually really dont want to ). Your head is telling you something you should listen to, I think.
   
   Its also very possible the strength of your feelings can come from the other stresses you're under atm. New baby, PND, the whole mess here. A 'way out' emotionallly can be that you reallly develop strong feelings for someone else, but it's more about your current situation than about them. Follow on those feelings and you'd be running away. Hence in this circumstance, I say listen to your head.

[Peekska]

I think that both you and your DH have been incredibly stupid.
If I've read the post right, you both invited another man in your bed when your youngest DC was between 6-8 weeks old? What were you thinking?
Also agree that naming your children, and giving the other personal details on a thread like this is also incredibly naive and/or stupid.
All of that said,I don't expect we'll see OP again.

[TheHippyWhoWearsLippy]

How do you know it's a fake post.... some people really are this stupid!