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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Is it unsustainable to be the perfect wife?

158 replies

flummoxedbanana · 10/12/2013 23:02

A friend commented today that I need to stop the 'perfect wife act' at some point. I'd never thoughtof it being an act, though perhaps it's quite old-fashioned.

I do literally everything for the children. Dh has never been woken or dealt with them at night, I organise and do absolutely everything for them. I do all the cooking and housework, including jobs like putting the bins out, cleaning pets out, going to the tip etc. I do all food shopping, buy all presents, send relevant cards to his family members. I buy his favourite things and stock the fridge with beer for his days off. I make the effort sexually to send flirty messages and pictures, dress up, take charge etc. I take an interest and support him in his career. I encourage him to go out with friends, I don't lecture him or anything.

I don't feel obliged to do these things. I love him, enjoy my life and am the sort of person that gets most enjoyment from making others happy. Is it unsustainable to remain this way do you think?

OP posts:

Report

Ledkr · 10/12/2013 23:03

Nice try 9/10

Dontlaugh · 10/12/2013 23:04

1950 called, they missed you.
What does your husband contribute to this family?

Tinks42 · 10/12/2013 23:05

Well, he sounds very lucky. What does he do for you?

Cutitup · 10/12/2013 23:05

I don't get Ledkr's answer. I assume she thinks you're a journalist.

If you really do these things and it works for you, then carry on. If you're happy, then carry on. What is the problem?

NotAnotherStuffedTurkey · 10/12/2013 23:06

wonderstuff · 10/12/2013 23:06

Wow. I wonder if there are any perfect husbands out there?

Mellowandfruitful · 10/12/2013 23:06

Well, first off, that wasn't a very nice comment by your friend. If she'd said 'you need to stop putting everyone else before yourself and your own needs' that would have been quite different to calling it an 'act'. Does she have an axe to grind with you?

I don't think I could live as you do, but then it's not my life. If you are genuinely happy then that is important. A lot of people live through their partners and children and are deep down quite unhappy about it but don't realise that for a long time, if ever. So I suppose the question is, are you sure this makes you happy? And another question would be, do you have any dreams or desires of your own that you don't get to do because of the comprehensive support you offer to your family? If so, why not pursue some of them - I hope your DH and family would be glad to see you do that. Do you feel appreciated for what you do?

Cutitup · 10/12/2013 23:06

I assume he provides for you. You also provide for him. This used to be normal and I think it's just fine if it works for you.

wonderstuff · 10/12/2013 23:08

I do wonder, what does he do for you? And how do the children feel about him?

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange · 10/12/2013 23:08

My colleague and I had a 'get hit by the bus' rule. If one of us got hit by a bus, the other knew where things were, could cope, had enough information to deal, knew the skills. If my job is important, so is my home life. If you got hit by a bus or turned out to be imaginary, what would happen.

TheHippyWhoWearsLippy · 10/12/2013 23:09

If you are genuine & you enjoy it then I don't see why not. As long as your not mentally exhausted, you don't desire your life to be different then why should it be. that's how it was not so very long ago & my grandparents are still going strong with a marriage just like this 65 years later & very much in love.

I've tried to be like this but it's bloody hard work doing it all by yourself. My husband felt a bit left out so we try our best to help each other where we feel we need it most. It's working for us. Each to their own. As long as everyone is happy then there is no problem.

waltermittymissus · 10/12/2013 23:11

So which are you?

A journo or the other thing we're not allowed to ask you?

NotAnotherStuffedTurkey · 10/12/2013 23:12

Just a thought... Is Matthew Wright back from the jungle yet?

waltermittymissus · 10/12/2013 23:14

Yes he is.

Despite my fervent prayers that he'd be eaten by a jungle cat.

Or maybe have some sort of freak accident whilst doing The Carlton.

NotAnotherStuffedTurkey · 10/12/2013 23:17

I couldn't bring myself to watch, but did they make him do lots of horrible things?

waltermittymissus · 10/12/2013 23:19

I didn't really watch it but he was kicked out quite early I think, which is marvellous!

flummoxedbanana · 10/12/2013 23:20

Nope not a journo or a troll.

Friend insists on everything at least being 50/50 in her house. She sees we are happy but thinks dh doesn't give as much as he gets. He works hard, is kind, patient with the children, he prioritises them, he is loving and attentive to me, he is my best friend and I trust him 100%. In my opinion, what more could I want? I would like more time to myself/alone with dh but I'm content to wait until the children are older.

OP posts:

nailslikeknives · 10/12/2013 23:20

Are you happy? If so, crack on.

TweaselsDrankMyGluhwein · 10/12/2013 23:22

I try to be like this. I dressed up for DH but he just wasn't turned on by the Scooby Doo costume and the giant head kept getting in the way when I tried to give him a blow job.

flummoxedbanana · 10/12/2013 23:22

And yes, I do feel appreciated. He does/says lots of things to show it and my older daughter often voices it too. I like to be busy and I like helping others.

OP posts:

KouignAmann · 10/12/2013 23:23

Yes it is unsustainable. I managed 27 years before I ran away to live on my own. It is lovely! And now I have a DP who SHARES all this stuff and life is so much better.

Dontlaugh · 10/12/2013 23:23

It is interesting that you are posting though, asking/seeking opinions on this.
I find if I am satisfied with a situation then I don't seek opinions on it, whereas if I am not I will happily ask the postman what he thinks.
Is this ringing a bell at all?

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Mellowandfruitful · 10/12/2013 23:23

Can you afford babysitters to cover the time to yourself / alone with your DH? If so that ought to be pretty straightforward.

I still think friend's remark was phrased unpleasantly. She could have put it in terms of concerns for you, but didn't.

NotAnotherStuffedTurkey · 10/12/2013 23:26

Tweasels What other costumes can you recommend?

Onefewernow · 10/12/2013 23:27

I'm wondering how much he respects you, whilst he relaxes on the sofa .

Flip

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