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Is it unsustainable to be the perfect wife?

(159 Posts)
flummoxedbanana Tue 10-Dec-13 23:02:16

A friend commented today that I need to stop the 'perfect wife act' at some point. I'd never thoughtof it being an act, though perhaps it's quite old-fashioned.

I do literally everything for the children. Dh has never been woken or dealt with them at night, I organise and do absolutely everything for them. I do all the cooking and housework, including jobs like putting the bins out, cleaning pets out, going to the tip etc. I do all food shopping, buy all presents, send relevant cards to his family members. I buy his favourite things and stock the fridge with beer for his days off. I make the effort sexually to send flirty messages and pictures, dress up, take charge etc. I take an interest and support him in his career. I encourage him to go out with friends, I don't lecture him or anything.

I don't feel obliged to do these things. I love him, enjoy my life and am the sort of person that gets most enjoyment from making others happy. Is it unsustainable to remain this way do you think?

Onefewernow Tue 10-Dec-13 23:27:50

I'm wondering how much he respects you, whilst he relaxes on the sofa .

not that this should dictate whether or not you do all the housework, but do you work? if so the distributiom of labour def unfair.

Diagonally Tue 10-Dec-13 23:28:28

Is this a good friend, how long have you known each other?

Friends can sometimes pick up on things. Why do you think she mentioned it?

RhondaJean Tue 10-Dec-13 23:30:06

Bloody hell. I suppose it's sustainable as long as you keep going but surely your life is worth more than just facilitating other people to swan through theirs with ease. Don't you want to achieve anything for yourself? How old are your kids? Are you reaching them how to look after themselves if old enough?

Men are one thing (and my preference is for an adult man who can shoulder his half of ALL types of responsibility) but it is surely an unkindness to do "everything" for children and IMO is more about you making yourself appear invaluable than supporting them to become fully functioning adults.

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange Tue 10-Dec-13 23:30:13

I would be confused as to why DH didn't want to step up sometimes. His DM would have bloody killed him sooner than watch him eat a meal and not clear/wash up. I [heart] my late MIL.

Heathcliff27 Tue 10-Dec-13 23:30:31

tweasels fgrin

basgetti Tue 10-Dec-13 23:31:22

It is up to you how you live your life but I'm not sure that waiting on a man hand and foot sets a great example for your children.

flummoxedbanana Tue 10-Dec-13 23:31:48

I've known her for twelve years. Yes I do work but from home. There's been a few comments that it's all too good to be true and bound to go downhill one day confused

wonderstuff Tue 10-Dec-13 23:33:33

How long have you been living like this?

TheZeeTeam Tue 10-Dec-13 23:33:59

I guess the only concern would be that if you derive so much of your happiness and self worth from making your family happy, what will you do when they grow up and don't need you quite as much any more? That can be a real bash to one's self esteem.

wonderstuff Tue 10-Dec-13 23:34:57

I know one woman who lives like this, I wonder if one day she's going to wake up to how unequal it is. I worry about her self esteem.

flummoxedbanana Tue 10-Dec-13 23:35:02

I have a degree and a successful career. Kids are 6 yrs and 18 months but very confident and capable.

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange Tue 10-Dec-13 23:36:57

Does the 6 year old have chores because studies show that chores are good for children's development?

TheZeeTeam Tue 10-Dec-13 23:36:58

There you go then, you're sorted! Well done! You know, there are literally thousands of people on MN that are happily married though. It's not that hard!

stickysausages Tue 10-Dec-13 23:37:54

Hatie Kopkins... is that you??????

flummoxedbanana Tue 10-Dec-13 23:38:20

Yes, TheZeeTeam, I have considered that. I find myself now feeling like a spare part at times because my six year old is fairly self-sufficient and 18 month old has become more independent. I do derive fulfillment from my career too though. I guess my life and priorities just changed when I first fell pregnant.

flummoxedbanana Tue 10-Dec-13 23:40:10

Chores?? Um not as such. She is helpful and considerate - I.e. Setting the table, taking plates to the kitchen, putting washing in basket, picking up after herself etc.

ilovesmurfs Tue 10-Dec-13 23:41:18

Well I don't a think much of a man who doesn't do anything for hsi children, it's not exacltys ettogn a good example is it I'd you do all the housework and childcare. I want my sons to grow up with a hands on father who see that men can do this stuff as well, I certainly dotn want thm growing up thinking its 'women's work' which is essentially what your kids are learning.

TheZeeTeam Tue 10-Dec-13 23:41:32

LOL at the independent 18 month old. Do they take themselves off in your car to meet their mates at the mall?!! grin

flummoxedbanana Tue 10-Dec-13 23:43:54

Considering she was unputdownable til she could walk she feels bloody independent now smile

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange Tue 10-Dec-13 23:44:03

Does the 6 year old do more around the house than her DF then? Yikes.

If your sux your old was a boy, would you expect him to do chores?

RhondaJean Tue 10-Dec-13 23:52:51

Ok, so, you work, you do everything - what exactly is the purpose of your dh?

You aren't being a perfect wife, you're being a doormat IMO.

Twinklestein Tue 10-Dec-13 23:53:49

If you work OP, why do you do everything at home?

Surely that means you are working, in all, more hours per week than your husband? Do you feel comfortable with that?

I think there's a difference between being a SAHM and being a servant.

HerrenaHarridan Tue 10-Dec-13 23:56:53

People suggesting op might not be genuine should search her posting history or report rather than troll hunt on the thread.

Bizarre as this thread may seem I recognise the nn as its always made me laugh.

Wrt to the op.

It's not so much that its unsustainable, its unhealthy! You may not feel the urge to strive for 50/50 but you should at least be conscious of the example you're setting your kids.

Personally I couldn't maintain a relationship with someone that thought nothing of me doing all the donkey work. Even if they made me feel appreciated shock

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