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My relationship (long sorry)

(638 Posts)
Packupyourtroubles Tue 10-Dec-13 19:15:45

Hi
I posted on chat about what I now know to be 'gaslighting' that my partner does. I was advised to start a thread in relationships.
Last night I was reading a thread and went to reply thinking 'how would I feel in this situation' then realised that actually I have been many times.

Since then it's like the floodgates have opened and I'm realising just how dysfunctional my relationship is.

I met my partner 6 years ago aged 17. He was my first love, etc.
when we first got together I was confident, sure of myself and my values, and knew what I would and would not stand for. Since then I feel I have lost every element of myself.

He is aggressive in words and actions. He has shaken me at times and once a few weeks ago slapped me. Most of the time he just punches objects- the dashboard in my car for example, so not hurting me.

He will always, after an argument say 'why did you make me say/do whatever'. I always end up apologising purely so I am not making him angry any more.

If there is something I don't like, for example he talks to lots of females, has stayed the night at their houses- he will say 'I don't have male friends, do you want me to have no friends'- and I will end up agreeing with him, or I make a point and he twists it so much I have no idea what I was trying to say in the first place.

He has cheated on me but I forgave him both times and he did seem to change his behaviour but now I'm realising he probably didn't.

He has sex with me knowing I don't want to, he is controlling and insists I see him every day and wants me to do sexual things I am not comfortable with. I have sort of given up saying no so I realise I am to blame for that.

I got pregnant a year ago and he insisted on me having an abortion. I wanted to keep the baby and know that before I was with him I would not have let anyone tell me what I could or could not do but I didn't question him.

Just for some background we don't live together as I look after my DNephew full time. I care for my partners mum but not full time. We have a joint account and loans but no mortgage etc.

There is probably more that I have left out. I am not sure what I am asking. I feel like I am to blame for a lot of this. I can't see a way out, I cannot imagine a life without him, and at the same time all I want is to be by myself. Since the first realisation last night it has all been pouring into my mind- memories I didn't know I had. I feel terrified but also as if my eyes have been opened- but I can't work out what's next.

Sorry for length

Tuhlulah Thu 26-Dec-13 14:01:06

I am so pleased to hear that she is OK. I had begun to imagine lots of unpleasant things, from her being injured, dead, back with him or that the entire post was just a figment of someone's imagination. I am really grateful to you Paula, for what you have done. Thank you.

I am glad the little wanker has read this thread, so he can have some idea of what other people think about him. Inadequate little coward. But I am sorry for Packup, because I suspect it's had dreadful repercussions for her.

I hope she can get some respite from the fear and horror and manages to extricate herself from what he has done to her life. I hope she can manage to get rid of him financially, emotionally, psychically and physically.

Best wishes to you Packup. I hope you have had some peace over Christmas, and that you get some joy back in your life soon. XX

moodymai Thu 26-Dec-13 09:10:11

If the loans are in his name, when/if you separate from him you can write to Experian and dissassociate from him financially. Then you shouldnt be linked.

Jux Wed 25-Dec-13 22:46:35

Hope you had a good Christmas day, Pack, and that you are recovering and healing.

I shall not forget you. thanks

AGypsiesWife Sat 21-Dec-13 17:22:16

So glad to hear she is ok. Touched a lot of hearts.

PyroclasticFlo Sat 21-Dec-13 11:09:53

So pleased to hear that Pack is safe, thank you for updating us.
Do send on loads of love from us all x

Lavenderhoney Sat 21-Dec-13 07:30:24

Thanks for the update. I hope op gets the support she needs and he stays inside for a long time.

Just think, op of what you can achieve at work in the future- to get to your position held back by home troubles shows your tenacity.

And I hope your you, family become closer in time, and your can continue to be such a lovely auntsmile

clippityclop Fri 20-Dec-13 22:41:57

Fantastic . So relieved that she is safe and has support, thanks for letting us know. Please wish her the best of everything now and always.x

LoisChristmasPuddingLane Fri 20-Dec-13 22:12:17

Poor girl. If you are reading this, Pack, take good care of yourself x

nauticant Fri 20-Dec-13 21:26:40

Thanks for the update. Please let the OP know that she shouldn't feel an obligation to return to the thread and should keep a low MN profile for however long she thinks she needs to.

sadwidow28 Fri 20-Dec-13 21:04:55

Thank you for letting us know that she is safe. She has been on my mind a lot recently.

Wish her and her nephew a very happy Christmas and a joyous New Year.

nobeer Fri 20-Dec-13 20:59:13

Thank you for the update, Paula. Please send her a hig from me too, and I hope she has a peaceful Christmas.

SuburbanCrofter Fri 20-Dec-13 18:57:44

Glad to hear this, than you Paula.

Jux Fri 20-Dec-13 18:45:31

Was so worried he'd broken in etc. very glad to hear she is safe now and he's behind bars. Give her our best, and happy Xmas with her lovely nephew.

IrishBloodEnglishHeart Fri 20-Dec-13 18:30:25

Thank you Paula. I have not been able to stop thinking about Pack. I am so glad you will be seeing her. That really is a great outcome from all this. Send her our best wishes when you see her.

MerryFuckingChristmas Fri 20-Dec-13 18:24:53

thanks paula

hope pack will be ok, send our best wishes

Vivacia Fri 20-Dec-13 18:07:54

Thank you so much for letting us know Paula. Please do pass on just how much we are all thinking about her and wishing her well.

Is there anything we can do to help?

alphabook Fri 20-Dec-13 18:03:13

Massively relieved to hear that she is doing OK and is safe. I've been thinking of her x

Thank you for letting us know Paula, I hope she'll be ok, and that she can get the support she deserves and needs.

He is evil. I also hope he gets what he deserves.

cafesociety Fri 20-Dec-13 18:00:30

paula I am so relieved to hear this news, although very sad she has had such an awful time.

I have been thinking about her as have many, many others and truly wish her a better future for her and her N.

So glad you have contact and will be able to meet up. Give her my best wishes, and I hope and pray for a happier New Year for her.

thank you paula. Please let us know if we can do anything else to help

Hello all, I have been talking directly to Pack today, it turns out we live in the same city.

She has asked me to let you all know in her behalf that she is ok. Things have been very tough this week, and without going into detail, ex is back in jail. This was not unfortunately before he accessed her computer and read this thread, which is why she hasn't been back.

She is getting lots of support from the Police and other agencies, and is taking things one day at a time. She wants to thank you all for your support, and I told her that you'd all be glad to hear that she is safe.

We will hopefully be meeting up sometime soon for a coffee, where I will give her a big unmumsnetty hug from all of you!

clippityclop Thu 19-Dec-13 21:34:23

You've been in my thoughts. Hope you realise how much you are needed,at your work and of course by your nephew. You have so much to offer. I just hope you are OK, and come back here when you are ready.

Jux Wed 18-Dec-13 19:23:12

Hey Pack. Hope you're managing, whatever. Thinking of you.

flapinko Wed 18-Dec-13 18:35:10

Still thinking of you Pack, more hugs coming from me xx

Vivacia Wed 18-Dec-13 16:19:33

What Lois said. This is your thread, you don't owe us any explanation, but I can't help but ask you to post or send one of us a private message to let us know you're there.

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