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Have you left and been happier?

(60 Posts)
Fairy1303 Tue 10-Dec-13 12:24:32

Things are not good with DH and I. In fact they are awful.
I am finally seeing things for what they are.
It's a really horrible environment for me, and the children.
He is lazy, difficult, rude, verbally aggressive and he does nothing really to help me.

I am 90% sure that I need to leave, but I am terrified of making the wrong decision.

I keep being told by those around me how difficult leaving will be. The financial implications, the impact on the children, the reality of being a single parent, etc.
It will be messy and hideous.

I suppose I'm looking for some positive stories from people who have left, to help me with my decision. I have a step daughter full time who I will miss terribly if I go, it will mess up her whole life and I will miss DH but I can't see an alternative - these must be factors in most seperations so was leaving worthwhile?

Not sure if I make sense, my head is not very clear at the moment.

dunfightin Tue 10-Dec-13 20:11:47

Yes, yes, yes. A million miles better. One day you will wake up and realise you are a little bit happy for a little bit of time and gradually the happy bits grow and grow.
You will do something new and wonderful you never dreamt you would do, find strength you never knew you had, make friends with people you would never have met and most importantly you will be growing and creating a home without the stress and distortion of someone who saps the joy out of your existence

Hassled Tue 10-Dec-13 20:16:41

It's a hell of a decision to make, and you have to be sure. You don't want "what ifs" and "maybes".

I left ExH. Had a rough couple of years on my own with oldest 2 DCs, met now DH and after 16 years together (and with more DCs) we're still happy. So much more suited, so much happier than I ever could have been with Ex (who was a decent man - just a crap husband). And even in those rough years working FT on my own with young kids - I was still happier than I had been.

LivingWellNow Tue 10-Dec-13 20:21:08

Another one saying yes. Most definitely yes.

octopusinasantasack Tue 10-Dec-13 20:21:47

Happy but not necessarily happier IYSWIM.

KingRollo Tue 10-Dec-13 20:22:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tinkertaylor1 Tue 10-Dec-13 20:26:25

YES!
Left with my dd1 wrapped in a quilt and two black bin bags in a taxi! He was horrible, a bully, abusive and it was the hardest fucking thing I have ever done in my life because I think I still loved him a little. Cried my eyes out.

It was the best thing I ever did getting away from that twat.

Bumped in dh a couple of years later, absolute love of my life. More than happy.

Do it. Good luck

MonsterMunchMe Tue 10-Dec-13 20:29:49

Yes.

I was 20, he had emptied our joint bank account, I had £10 In my pocket and walked out at 4am, after he had come in drunk and held me up against the wall with a knife to my throat, with just 1yo DS and our clothes. All I had was a minimum wage 20 hour a week job and my parents box room.

He made my life miserable for nearly 2 years. But now 4 years on and it was the best decision I have ever made. It was hard, lonely, frustrating and exhausting, but I'm so glad I did it.

PoshPaula Tue 10-Dec-13 20:32:17

These stories are inspiring and strangely comforting, and I went through this years ago!

There may be times when you feel lonely, after you've left, but there are few things lonelier than being in an unhappy marriage.

redmapleleaves Tue 10-Dec-13 20:37:52

Yes. I only left in July, big upheaval, abusive relationship, moved to new area. Things aren't easy.

But I feel so much calmer. Things, even the difficult things, are my-sized. I can choose what to prioritise without consulting with someone who doesn't listen, or DO any of the action points. Someone else said its like no longer pulling a concrete block, I feel like that too. The DCs while struggling because of the changes, are more relaxed. They like that life is more adapted to them and their needs, not his needs. Working full time, having less money, being a single mum without local support, doing everything, is so much easier, for me, than an outwardly far easier existence but feeling so isolated next to him and overworked while he did nothing, and basically where his needs were prioritised again and again. We live a quieter life, but we giggle together.

No one takes this decision lightly. A line of poetry that influenced me, 'What will you do with your one, wild, precious life?'
I don't yet know what I'll do. But I sure wouldn't have found out propping him up any longer.

Layter Tue 10-Dec-13 20:46:44

I left at the beginning of the year and promptly discovered that I was pregnant. I can't describe how much more fun and stress free this pregnancy has been without my ex.

My DS toddler spends better time with his father, and ex and I have a good working relationship regarding children because I can step back when he is trying to be manipulative.

Even now with a 3 week old and a poorly toddler I am relieved to be on my own, there is a lighthearted element to life again.

Financially I am better off and I no longer need to claim benefits.

Ds isn't exposed to appalling behaviour between his parents, nor is he being given a constant example of how to treat women badly.

I could go on. The worst moment is taking that huge leap and saying the words. As a pp said, after that you can walk upright again.

Good luck op, whatever your decision.

LeFreakCestChic Tue 10-Dec-13 22:39:23

I think so.

Have been on my own for 4 months. Everyday I feel sad, hurt angry and guilty. The first three because his emotional neglect of me for several years and particularly during my last pregnancy wounded me deeply. Guilty because I worry everyday that my kids are being affected by it, guilty because our toddler will never know his parents together.

But better I suppose because I no longer expect him to offer me support and interest and conversation and then feel hugely disappointed, let down and worthless because he can't do it.
I just have to believe it will get better.

Meerka Wed 11-Dec-13 07:50:12

It's a funny thing. I've noticed that the people around you will say 'stay, stay, stay for the children, the finance and everythign else will be so hard' to someone deciding to separate.

But if you listen to the people who have actually left the unpleasant OH themselves, they generally say they are a lot happier.

1983mummy Wed 11-Dec-13 22:42:43

My seperation made me miserable, depressed and everything in between. I questioned everything about myself. After 10 months, I cannot believe how far I've come. I may be lonely, but I'm one heck of a strong independent woman.

I posted the other day that my ex has been sniffing around and I got drawn in a bit. But having not seen him for a week I go back to my strong self.

I'm nervous about life, but excited about what it holds for me.

Being with my ex would be me compromising on potential happiness with someone who has never hurt or betrayed me. In life you have no dress rehearsal so never settle xx

BeCool Wed 11-Dec-13 23:17:52

Yes yes yes.

I got P to leave. I stayed too long willing him to change and be the man he was 70% of the time 100% of the time.

The DC and I have been much happier. It was the right thing to do.

You think being SP will be so hard, it's a cliche in so many ways. Being a parent is hard. Being SP without moody shouty unsupportive deadweight is a piece of cake. smile

impulsepineapple Wed 11-Dec-13 23:22:54

I left. I agonised over it for years. It was the best thing I ever (eventually) did, my life is now brilliant smile yours will be too without someone who is lazy, difficult, rude, verbally aggressive and ... does nothing really to help. How could it not be? x

impulsepineapple Wed 11-Dec-13 23:24:16

I'm 2 and a half years on, BTW. The first bit was bloody difficult, but so worth it.

mineofuselessinformation Wed 11-Dec-13 23:25:11

Oh god yes...
My situation is different in that eventually I made him leave. Long story.
Anyway, the result was better relationships with dcs and no longer doubting that I was at fault really in our relationship (I am human!)
I won't lie, it was very difficult at first, but I look back now and wonder why on earth I tried to keep things going for so long,

This: *Being a parent is hard. Being SP without moody shouty unsupportive deadweight is a piece of cake."

I left one year ago today and it's bloody great. smile Nobody spent any of my money today on amplifiers whilst begrudging me a lunch out with a friend, nobody has moaned that I haven't done all the washing up (despite the fact that I've been working all day and they don't work at all, or indeed do any washing up) or shout and swear at me in front of DS for not putting said child in the bath in the exact way prescribed by them.

BeCool Thu 12-Dec-13 15:36:37

YY - it's nearly a year for me too.

An entire year without at least a week of moodiness being inflicted upon us all in the run up to every family celebration - birthdays, Easter, summer holiday. Right now if I was still with XP we would be starting to be inflicted with the Xmas 'mood/grumpiness' - for no reasons at all, other than that is how he choose to act.

I would have had a month of "I'm in debt - pay this debt for me or else I will be a fucking nightmare forever" at some point in the year.

These are in addition to the endless and erratic "I'm fucked off/angry/going to get abusive because you said something in the wrong tone to me" moments that could last for a week at a time or more.

Oh yes Fairy - I am happy after whole year without this draining aggro. I'm still working me out, myself out - that is a work in progress, but happy to be freed from the moody aggressive head fuck of living with XP - yes indeed!!!

The thing that cracked it for me was realizing I didn't have to figure him out!!!! HE CHOOSES TO BE LIKE THIS! The only mystery for me was why I was still with him!

Once I got there in my head, the rest was a piece of cake. I'm not saying life is perfect - I'm still tired etc. But no more tired that most Mum's of young children.

gingermop Thu 12-Dec-13 16:56:36

I got out about 3 years ago, was hardest decision of my life, we have 4 dc, like u I worried about money, being a single parent, how I would cope.
best thing I ever did, my child r happier than ever.
dont get me wrong it wasnt easy, few times I had wobbles and thought I should go bak, I kept strong for sake of kids.
now mummys happy they r much happier.
if ud wanna chat/need a shoulder pm me x

FluffyJumper Thu 12-Dec-13 17:56:27

Yes. Short term pain, long term gain.

Mumtoh Thu 12-Dec-13 22:33:32

Finally told my husband in Jan 2011 I wanted to split up after three years of wanting to. Took so much courage to do it, but I can honestly say I have never regretted the decision, not once. He was a lazy selfish husband and father and I fell out of love with him. We went to relate twice during our marriage, but in the end it couldn't be saved. For a period of time after we split I thought he might be changing, for the good of our son, but he has eventually reverted to type.

I am such a different person now to how I was, I realise I spent years with such low self esteem because of the way he treated me. There is no denying it has been hard at times, and still is in lots of ways, but what I had dreaded was financial difficulties and that's actually been ok. What has been difficult is the effect on DS, who took it harder than expected. Having said all that, I believe DS is much better off with two parents who aren't in a corrosive, loveless marriage, and I know I certainly am.

Only you can make the decision, but just remember that life is too short to be unhappy. And you certainly sound it. Everyone deserves happiness.

Good luck. You are stronger than you think.

tightfortime Thu 12-Dec-13 23:25:26

Yes definitely.

Over two years out the other side - two years that have been so tough, very upset child and stepkids - but now I find myself financially better off, running my lovely new home the way I want and living life for real with lovely new partner who gives me space.

Ironically, ex and I, we are now civil to the point of friendly, where I can now see the nice traits re emerging in him that I once fell for. And he is envious of the lifestyle I now have that I so desperately wanted him to share with us as a family. But he wouldn't budge. So desperate was his need to control me.

And still I don't want him back. I am happy that we are over the worst of it, prioritising our child and will be friends long term, he is not all bad but I still don't want him. I am much happier and he is kicking himself at what could have been. I take little pleasure in that, I just feel sorry for him.

Best move I made. Extremely stressful but worth it.

I am definitely happier once I made him leave.

I had forgotten who I was. I was so cowed. I found myself asking permission to open the back door. In I house I pay the mortgage on. Now he's gone it's like waking up from a coma. Remembering who I used to be. Not living in fear of having every little decision, however mundane, questioned and challenged until you think your judgement doesn't work any more.

"one wild, precious life" is my new favourite phrase. it is precious. If someone is not treating you like you are precious, get rid.

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