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yet another failed relationship attempt - sex issues

(43 Posts)
evuscha Tue 10-Dec-13 11:17:43

I met this lovely guy online and at first it was all going well - sweet texts, nice dates, always something to talk about....he also said right in the beginning he does not want to have sex with me right away and I found it so refreshing (since many guys I meet are just after sex)....and since he was always a gentleman and really nice to me, I was actually very excited about our first time almost 2 months later, when I came to his place and he cooked for me. It all started nicely, a gentle back massage, kisses on the neck....but then he was really rough in sex! (not violent rough, but just fast and insensitive) I really didn´t see that coming and was taken aback and he noticed I didn´t enjoy it (plus I told him many times, could he be more gentle) so it was a bit awkward afterwards....I didn´t read too much into it, just thought we need some time to find out what each other likes and over time the sex would become much better. But it seemed to bother him a lot, he said how upset he was and how it seemed to him I wasn´t sexually attracted to him and how he has bad experience with this from past relationships (I wonder why!) and was generally negative about it. We met again just for dinner and a walk and we discussed it but it wasn´t very obvious what he wants...he just kept talking how he had bad experience and how he is unsure this can be sorted out, didn´t really listen to my reasoning (that we have different styles and need to align and I was just surprised but doesnt mean I am not into him) and was even making some jokes ("So I was too rough?" in a jokey way) making me feel like some kind of frigid, just because I prefer gentle. (ok this is maybe me being overly sensitive to some jokes) When I got back home, I was quite upset and texted him that maybe he was right and we are not compatible after all....he took it as a break up text and didn´t reply. (which I found even more upsetting, after what I thought was lovely 2 months, he wouldn´t even say good bye to me if that was the case and we broke up)

Now we are texting a bit during the day but haven´t really resolved much. I have no idea what to do, what went wrong, why he took it so seriously, should I give up on him, should I try to work on it a bit longer... Not sure anyone on MN can really advise (although any experience will be helpful), I suppose I just needed to rant... sad

issey6cats Fri 13-Dec-13 18:17:50

agree with everyone else if he wasnt selfish he would do what he could to make you enjoy sex aswell, the last guy i was seeing was a great guy spoilt me with his generosity, took me out was ace to get on with till we got into bed he thought 1 minute of foreplay and straight in bang bang bang till he came was lovemaking, this guy is 54 and when i had the talk about theres a world of difference between sex and lovemaking he said ive been having sex for 40 years i know what im doing, what! no you have been banging women for 40 years and still havent learnt how to pleasure a woman, the guy im seeing now really knows how to turn a woman on big difference

ImperialBlether Fri 13-Dec-13 11:41:02

God, he's horrible! He clearly wasn't taking any notice of your reactions, was he? You might as well not have been there.

Be glad it's over. Don't be so desperate that you keep in touch with him.

Ugh. I keep shuddering at the thought of this.

PottedPlant Fri 13-Dec-13 11:13:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Leavenheath Thu 12-Dec-13 01:59:09

I agree he sounds like a porn hound which would be a deal-breaker for me anyway and I wouldn't give two hoots about denting a porn slaverer's ego.

What you seem to be making less of is how he completely ignored your boundaries. You kept asking him to slow down and to be more gentle and he just ignored you and carried on.

Life is really too short to give blokes like this 'a chance'. You did that already and he blew it.

He obviously is mortified and ashamed (has not been in touch again since yesterday) but his ego doesnt let him admit he was no good and needs to change...

I disagree he is ashamed..he'd have worked on this in the past if he were ashamed. He thinks you are in the wrong for not reacting like his porn women.

The last guy I dated couldn´t get it up for the first few times (but then over time the sex became really good). Nice guys in general but complicated in bed. Few more and I will actually think it´s me!

Totally different scenarios! Can't get it up from nerves are not the same as not caring that you aren't enjoying sex with him. The fact that you had to repeat yourself shows he doesn't care. the fact that he has no intention of changing shows he doesn't care.

evuscha Wed 11-Dec-13 19:46:32

He obviously is mortified and ashamed (has not been in touch again since yesterday) but his ego doesnt let him admit he was no good and needs to change...

justmethen Wed 11-Dec-13 19:22:11

Well you told him he was too rough and obviously his previous partners told him too and he is still not willing/able to change? He should be mortified not making you feel frigid.

evuscha Wed 11-Dec-13 18:55:59

Haha, I should tell him, shouldnt I smile Seriously, the more I think about it, the more put off I am. Although I am not somehow scarred by it (and take it as a funny story to share with friends), I guess I am just still disappointed how he turned out to be, as he was a lovely person before and now is a complete tosser....

Yeah, I hate porn too, but I am also surprised that any semi-intelligent man can think that those things are enjoyable for everyone? I personally don´t know any woman who would enjoy it rough (even some of my very sexually active friends like it more gentle) so how can those men not figure out in time? Not that I would give him an excuse of not enough experience....I dated a very inexperienced guy recently and he was so gentle and always making sure I enjoyed it....

MatryoshkaDoll Tue 10-Dec-13 21:55:03

You should tell him. Especially if you don't intend to see him again. Just say: 'you fuck like you watch a lot of porn and it's a massive turn off.'

Itstartshere Tue 10-Dec-13 21:51:05

I slept with a guy like this recently. He was so rough with me, my one thought throughout was 'this is someone who watches a lot of porn.' It was not good. I was fine, not scathed by it other than being a bit shocked, and I am not seeing him again but really it makes me so sad that some men think this is ok. My feelings didn't really come into it. They're just so used to seeing women being treated as if they have no nerves at all and who have anything and everything done to them with the women just moaning in supposed pleasure and taking whatever is done to them.

He's baffled as to why I don't want to see him again!

Reason #621 why I hate porn.

OP if this man can't understand that being rough is not ok, WALK AWAY.

Life is too short to put up with shit sex, dump the loser

Darkesteyes Tue 10-Dec-13 21:43:40

Id dump too. Rough sex wouldnt give me an orgasm and i wouldnt be able to see why he should get one if i dont.
Sounds like a previous partner spent ages trying to get him to see the light.
Dont waste your time OP

mcmoonfucker Tue 10-Dec-13 21:35:58

I agree, he sounds gross. That whole joking thing about it being too rough.
Yeah ha fucking ha, loser.
I'd dump for sure.

nopanicandverylittleanxiety Tue 10-Dec-13 20:46:14

I agree with hissy. You should only have had to ask him to be gentle once.

spindlyspindler Tue 10-Dec-13 20:03:40

I don't think it'll ever get much better on the sex front if he really doesn't want to be more gentle. I mean, maybe he will find the rough sex loving lady of his dreams, but if that's not you and he won't moderate his style for you then what's the point?

Hissy Tue 10-Dec-13 19:47:43

Jesus christ, why do you set such a low bar?

He's AWFUL! FFS, you tell him be gentle, he slows the fuck down or fucks OFF!

and the mind play with ending it, making you panic and run back to him? Don't fall for it.

Life is too short to be training guys to have OK sex fgs, he hasn't got the hang of it now, he ain't going to get it now is he?

He has failed in relationships, not you. You are not demanding as good as you deserve.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Tue 10-Dec-13 16:55:25

And me. Op, it's not you. He sounds lousy. Only give him a whirl if you can stand to and you are convinced that he is going to listen/respond this time.
I wouldn't bother but hey.

Jan45 Tue 10-Dec-13 16:48:02

I had to keep asking him to stop/slow down

This would be enough for me to turn me right off.

evuscha Tue 10-Dec-13 16:17:53

I should stress out that he didnt say anything that would mean straight away that he blames me - this is me probably overreacting and seeing criticism where there is none (my issue due to growing up with overly critical parents). He also didn´t do anything to hurt me, but it meant I had to keep asking him to stop/slow down. As a consequence I didnt really relax and didnt really reciprocate as much as I would if I actually was relaxed....and so he thought I was not into him. I see where he was coming from (I really probably didnt appear excited or into it) and he said he understands my reasons too now. So I guess I only have to try again and see if he wants to improve. (not sure what the issues with his previous partner were)

By the way, the "yet another..." in the title implies that I am particularly lucky with complicated guys! The last guy I dated couldn´t get it up for the first few times (but then over time the sex became really good). Nice guys in general but complicated in bed. Few more and I will actually think it´s me!

Anniegetyourgun Tue 10-Dec-13 15:34:16

Some poor mug spent three years trying to get him to slow down and take it gently and he still didn't get it? You want to be the next poor mug? You're on a hiding to nothing, OP.

I suspect that "oh we're incompatible, let's break it off" was on purpose to get you grovelling.

justmethen Tue 10-Dec-13 15:28:38

This sounds so off-putting. It doesn't sounds like you want to see him again - so don't!

Joysmum Tue 10-Dec-13 15:24:59

See how you go with a training night. If he wants to try and be adaptable then all's well and you just need time and lots of fun sessions to work out what works for you both.

If he's not interested or defensive then run for the hills. It's ok to like different things or have nights of raw animal passion or soft sweet lovemaking. If you are both willing to get to know each other and not take it personally if what you are doing either isn't liked or could be improved then you're both in for some fun times.

If either of you has the wrong attitude I don't think anything could help with that and it's time to run a mile!

Jan45 Tue 10-Dec-13 15:12:37

He sounds bad news - you don't have rough sex with someone you're only with for a short time and if you do, you rectify it right away and fall over yourself to apologise - by the sounds of it, he's not interested in what you actually think, he's too busy thinking about himself - this would be a complete turn off for me and I would no longer be interested.

MatryoshkaDoll Tue 10-Dec-13 14:47:41

I dunno you should be all that worried about protecting his ego. It's his ego that's causing him to ignore your feelings and make this all about him rather than the two of you as a couple.

Maybe it'd do him good to know that hammering away at the porn is making him a crap lover.

Imagine if the situation was reversed and he told you that you were too rough with him. Would you be mortified and willing to explore ways of having sex that were pleasurable for both of you? Or would you do what he's done and throw a tantrum and try to blame him?

When you look at it like that, he seems like a bit of a twat.

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