yet another failed relationship attempt - sex issues

[evuscha]

I met this lovely guy online and at first it was all going well - sweet texts, nice dates, always something to talk about....he also said right in the beginning he does not want to have sex with me right away and I found it so refreshing (since many guys I meet are just after sex)....and since he was always a gentleman and really nice to me, I was actually very excited about our first time almost 2 months later, when I came to his place and he cooked for me. It all started nicely, a gentle back massage, kisses on the neck....but then he was really rough in sex! (not violent rough, but just fast and insensitive) I really didn´t see that coming and was taken aback and he noticed I didn´t enjoy it (plus I told him many times, could he be more gentle) so it was a bit awkward afterwards....I didn´t read too much into it, just thought we need some time to find out what each other likes and over time the sex would become much better. But it seemed to bother him a lot, he said how upset he was and how it seemed to him I wasn´t sexually attracted to him and how he has bad experience with this from past relationships (I wonder why!) and was generally negative about it. We met again just for dinner and a walk and we discussed it but it wasn´t very obvious what he wants...he just kept talking how he had bad experience and how he is unsure this can be sorted out, didn´t really listen to my reasoning (that we have different styles and need to align and I was just surprised but doesnt mean I am not into him) and was even making some jokes ("So I was too rough?" in a jokey way) making me feel like some kind of frigid, just because I prefer gentle. (ok this is maybe me being overly sensitive to some jokes) When I got back home, I was quite upset and texted him that maybe he was right and we are not compatible after all....he took it as a break up text and didn´t reply. (which I found even more upsetting, after what I thought was lovely 2 months, he wouldn´t even say good bye to me if that was the case and we broke up)

Now we are texting a bit during the day but haven´t really resolved much. I have no idea what to do, what went wrong, why he took it so seriously, should I give up on him, should I try to work on it a bit longer... Not sure anyone on MN can really advise (although any experience will be helpful), I suppose I just needed to rant...

[Vivacia]

Am I the only person who keeps texting for things like "running late, see you in 5 minutes"??

[Vivacia]

Argh, sorry, lost the rest. I meant to say that the thing with texting is it means you fire off a thought as soon as it comes in to your head. Some things are best done face-to-face, or at least over the 'phone, so you can respond to non-verbal communication.

I'm not saying that's the best bit of advice for your situation, it's just all of the texting stood out for me.

The other thing was how much you wrote about him, and his thoughts and wondering what he wants.

[evuscha]

Sorry, I may have highlighted the texting too much, but otherwise we see each other quite often and we discussed it in person too. But in person he kept trying to make those jokes so we really didn´t resolve much.

I know what I want for me - I just wonder if it is possible to achieve this with him. Perhaps, generally speaking, if guys see the sex style as non-negotiable or if they are happy to change it (so that it is enjoyable for me). And if his reaction to my (perhaps) overreaction is normal or should I take it as he is not bothered and I should let him go. This all surprised me after how nice he had been before.

[Thisisaghostlyeuphemism]

You're not over-reacting.

You pointed out that the sex didn't do it for you.

A nicer guy would say, ok, lets see what we can do to make things better.

A shit guy would say, oh, like it or lump it.

Unless he acknowledges your feelings then you are on a hiding to nowhere with this one.

[Vivacia]

if guys see the sex style as non-negotiable

If that's the situation, then the relationship would be off for me. There should be exploring and learning and compromising in my opinion. I don't think it sounds as though you over-reacted.

You may not want to answer this, but was there no clue from the kissing and heavy petting you did before having sex with him? Writing this, I'm conscious that it's a long, long time ago for me. My memory may be fading, but I definitely dumped men because the kissing and petting didn't do much for me.

What's the word for "petting" nowadays??

[Joysmum]

How about suggesting a nice romantic night where you show him what you really love and that you have another really nice romantic night for him to guide you in what he really enjoys.

If you put it in a way that you have a great relationship that you think you can both build on by exploring your sexual preferences together to be the best it can then that's got to be appealing.

Hubby and I took a while to get where we are in our sex lives. I have past history which I needed to work through and he needed to understand. Both of us likes things the other doesn't or doesn't like things the other does but that certainly doesn't make us incompatible. Any relationship and sex life is best if both take the time to get to know each other, appreciate the differences and work together to make the most if things you have in common. There's no magic fit.

[evuscha]

Well, the kissing was sometimes overly passionate from his side but softer once I reminded him, and then really nice. The petting on the other hand was really nice and gentle (as was the kissing on the neck and back massage and all that) so really no idea where his roughness suddenly came from!

I definitely agree that if he doesn´t compromise, then there is not much to discuss.... Just wondering why is he so defensive about it but I suppose his ego comes into it (he is probably upset I didn´t enjoy it, and talking about his past relationships some girls before me probably disliked it too)

[Joysmum]

X posted with you but I think your wrong in seeing sex style as non negotiable god a bloke.

Ask most blokes what they think their biggest turn on is and it's the woman taking control and showing she wants her man! That's how to show him what you like and need. You take control for the night and I'd be surprised if he didn't find your demands horny as hell.

[evuscha]

Joysmum that was exactly my point, it takes time and learning to actually become compatible and enjoy it....it certainly took me a while in my past relationships but then it was great. So I was even more freaked out by his "all right, it didn´t work the first time, you are not attracted to me, we are not compatible" attitude...

[Thisisaghostlyeuphemism]

He sounds pathetic, really. He's not listening to you and he's not interested in how you want to do things.

[CinnamonPorridge]

You didn't enjoy it, so you are not attracted to him and it's your fault?

Well, if he cannot take on board that you don't like it rough, I would run for the hills.

[Mabelface]

I'd let this one go. He's not interested in what you've got to say. Imagine how it would be 5 years down the line?

[evuscha]

So he apologized and admitted he was overreacting as he spent 3 years in a relationship trying to resolve the incompatibility and it didn´t happen, so he was being paranoid it would be like this with us as well.

I am still a bit puzzled about the whole thing but I think I will give it a bit more time to see how it goes. Of course if he doesn´t listen or tries to change things, then I will let him go.

[evuscha]

MatryoshkaDoll I also immediately thought porn, but how to put this to him without hurting his ego further :))

I will see how it goes...I am definitely not planning to settle for a sulky knob so I hope this was just a one-off due to his past issues...

[CarryOnDancing]

I agree, it sounds like he's for his sex "technique" from porn. Surely part of the turn on is seeing the other person aroused-so maybe he can't relate the real life reactions he's seeing, to the "actresses" in porn.

I'd you really like him and want to give it another try then maybe try and get back to some flirting and tell him you will take charge. He obviously needs someone to show him a different way.
I suspect at present it's all just sex bravado (backed up by his joking about it) and he doesn't feel at all confident and has no idea how to really stimulate a woman.

Talking is good but if he's not going to open up (you probably don't know each other well enough to discuss sex in real depth?) so maybe a demo is required.
You might be able to put his guard down a little if you guide and show him what to do?

[Jan45]

He sounds bad news - you don't have rough sex with someone you're only with for a short time and if you do, you rectify it right away and fall over yourself to apologise - by the sounds of it, he's not interested in what you actually think, he's too busy thinking about himself - this would be a complete turn off for me and I would no longer be interested.

[Joysmum]

See how you go with a training night. If he wants to try and be adaptable then all's well and you just need time and lots of fun sessions to work out what works for you both.

If he's not interested or defensive then run for the hills. It's ok to like different things or have nights of raw animal passion or soft sweet lovemaking. If you are both willing to get to know each other and not take it personally if what you are doing either isn't liked or could be improved then you're both in for some fun times.

If either of you has the wrong attitude I don't think anything could help with that and it's time to run a mile!

[justmethen]

This sounds so off-putting. It doesn't sounds like you want to see him again - so don't!

[Anniegetyourgun]

Some poor mug spent three years trying to get him to slow down and take it gently and he still didn't get it? You want to be the next poor mug? You're on a hiding to nothing, OP.

I suspect that "oh we're incompatible, let's break it off" was on purpose to get you grovelling.

[evuscha]

I should stress out that he didnt say anything that would mean straight away that he blames me - this is me probably overreacting and seeing criticism where there is none (my issue due to growing up with overly critical parents). He also didn´t do anything to hurt me, but it meant I had to keep asking him to stop/slow down. As a consequence I didnt really relax and didnt really reciprocate as much as I would if I actually was relaxed....and so he thought I was not into him. I see where he was coming from (I really probably didnt appear excited or into it) and he said he understands my reasons too now. So I guess I only have to try again and see if he wants to improve. (not sure what the issues with his previous partner were)

By the way, the "yet another..." in the title implies that I am particularly lucky with complicated guys! The last guy I dated couldn´t get it up for the first few times (but then over time the sex became really good). Nice guys in general but complicated in bed. Few more and I will actually think it´s me!

[Jan45]

I had to keep asking him to stop/slow down

This would be enough for me to turn me right off.

[Thisisaghostlyeuphemism]

And me. Op, it's not you. He sounds lousy. Only give him a whirl if you can stand to and you are convinced that he is going to listen/respond this time.
I wouldn't bother but hey.