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Relationships

Emotionally distant wife

58 replies

SomeUsername · 10/12/2013 01:01

I've been married to my wife for 6 years, and before that we were together for 7 years.

In the beginning, things were great. We would share lots of hugs and kisses, hold hands and have regular sex. We were best friends and shared everything.

Around the time we were married, sex became less regular but we were still emotionally close. I've always had a high sex drive, so the infrequent sex did start to cause some tensions. We went from sex a couple of times a week to once or twice a month (now it can be 2-3 months plus between sex).

We've always shared the housework 50-50, and as my wife can't drive, I'd take her to work and pick her up. She's a nurse so works all hours - but I'd happily get up at 6 to take her, and pick her up at night. I mention this to show I'm not a lazy husband who takes my wife for granted.

My wife has always wanted children but suffers from polycystic ovary syndrome, so before we could have children we attended a fertility clinic. Once we were given a course of treatment she wanted sex all the time.

If I'm honest, this stirred a bit of resentment within me. Sex had become non-existent, but because she wanted a baby, she attempted to initiate sex pretty much every day. We were lucky and she conceived. Her sexual appetite continued up until the birth.

After the birth, understandably, we didn't even attempt sex for 6 months or so. My daughter is now two and a half, and is a joy. We both love her to bits and I've surprised myself at how much I enjoy fatherhood.

I do the majority of the childcare due to my wife's long days and frequent nights. Because she doesn't drive, I do all the nursery runs and taking my DD to and from grandparents, who help look after her a couple of days a week. We still share the housework 50/50.

As I mentioned previously, since the birth, sex has diminished to nothing. At first this bothered me, and we did argue about it on occasion. But my wife finds it incredibly difficult to open up and talk, especially if the conversation regards serious matters, or is emotionally charged. She just goes silent and cant get any words out.

This makes it incredibly difficult to resolve anything; I like to have things in the open rather than leave them festering inside me.

A bigger issue than the lack of sex is what I feel to be an emotional distance developing. We no longer hold hands, hug or kiss unless I initiate it. Because I don't want my wife to feel compelled to have sex, I've even started waiting for her to initiate it because I'm tired of being rejected. The fact that I have to initiate any emotional contact is also making me feel resentful.

We can go days now with barely saying a word to each other, or even seeing each other. I try to let her know how I feel but the conversations go nowhere.

I'm at a point where I constantly feel sad and partially depressed. When with my wife I feel I'm being more distant and unresponsive. She seems oblivious to any of this and carries on as if there are no issues in our relationship. What worries me more is for the past 6 months or so, even though I pleasure myself regularly, I've felt no desire to have sex with my wife. I've given up attempting, and have stopped going to bed at the same time.

I told her this evening I want to talk about the relationship, but because she had other commitments, she said we can't really do it today. After dinner, she wet out to a meeting. When she got home she just went straight on the computer and then came to bed, not mentioning anything I said earlier. I feel like sleeping downstairs tonight to try and force a conversation and show her I feel there is something seriously wrong at the moment.

I had a emotionally abusive childhood, with a suicidal mother and an alcoholic father who would occasionally be violent towards my mother and me. After years of abuse this cumulated in an attempt to kill me when I was 15 to which I had to escape through a second story window and not go home for a month. He was roaring drunk at the time. This was a turning point for him and not long after, he asked for help and has been sober for the past 17 years. I am good terms with my parents now, but there is a distance between us, and if I ever mention the past, my mum bursts out crying and my dad acts as if I've said nothing. I once went to therapy, but because I was under 16, my parents sat in on the sessions. This made it pointless.

I mention this because I acknowledge I have issues getting close to people, and once I drift away, I shut off emotionally. I've lost many friends due to this. I'm worried that the emotional drift I'm feeling with my wife will cause my emotions to shut off and there will be no going back.

I've no idea how to set things right. I do Love her, even though right now I'm not sure how much. I'd love to suggest going to counselling, but I know my wife would close down and become unresponsive.

I'm at my wits end and am feeling increasingly alone and depressed. Is there any hope for our marriage?

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custardo · 10/12/2013 01:07

if she wont communicate with you about this in any way - i can't see how this will be resolved, but you can still go to counselling on your own - and i think you should