Aargh have I blown it by having sex on first date?

[Laurel1979]

I would really appreciate some impartial advice......

I've been single for 6 years and have an 8 year old DD. I met a lovely guy online recently and after texting for 2 weeks we arranged to go out for a meal. He's the same age as me but has no DC. We had chatted a lot on the phone before meeting and we seemed to have a lot in common, etc. There was a lot of sexual chemistry on the phone, but we agreed we both liked each other and on the first date would only kiss. We went out at the weekend there and immediately hit it off. I really like him and had a good feeling about him straight away. But...... after dinner he left me home and we ended up having sex (it was amazing sorry TMI... but definitely not typical awkward first sex). In the middle of it we both said we shouldn't be doing this but in the end couldn't keep our hands off each other. Wen he left he texted me saying what a great night he had, and yesterday he texted 3 times, just things like "good morning xx" etc.

But today - I've had a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach all day, worrying he'll think I was too easy and that we've blown it - then tonight he texted apologising for what happened, said it was fantastic but not like him at all and he didn't want "anything too heavy too quick." I texted back agreeing and said I knew we shouldn't have done it so soon, and that I hoped we hadn't ruined things. He replied no, but just didn't want anything too heavy. I jokingly texted back that we should start again and next time meet somewhere neutral and have kiss on cheek only, he agreed. Prior to meeting we had talked about going to Christmas market some day, so I suggested that we do that this weekend (he'd asked me last week about it but until today I hadn't been able to get a babysitter). S he texted back, saying he would like to but "needs to get out of a sport thing" he has on Sunday but he would definitely know on Thursday. I said no problem just let me know, he said he will. I'd say this is genuine as he is in the local sports club where he lives and helps run events.

Sorry this is so long but I'd be so grateful for your opinions as to whether I've ruined things!! Many thanks in advance.

[TheCrumpetQueen]

Don't worry, sounds like he's into you so shouldn't matter

[Laurel1979]

Thanks I really hope so, I'm trying hard not to physically kick myself if that were possible! I think I can survive until Thursday when he lets me know, but will be so disappointed if it doesn't work out....

[DisappointedHorse]

He sounds keen.

But - If a man is put off by you having sex on a first date, you're better off cutting your losses. He's having sex too and it's outrageous. neanderthal double standards.

[PoppadomPreach]

I think it all sounds very promising and I'm a real sceptic! Hope it works out for you.....

[CuntyBunty]

I had sex with DH as a one night stand, never mind the "respectability" of a first date. Here we are, 20 years later, still at it like knives.

If he keeps going on about "nothing too heavy", he probably means emotionally. If you both enjoy the sex (you obviously have the chemistry) go for it! I would in your situation.

[Mumsyblouse]

Sometimes if there's a very powerful chemistry, I think it's better out of the way!

Not always, and not if you are dating a few people at the same time, but you met him you talked loads already you liked him, I don't see this as a big issue.

I wouldn't go on and on about it next time you get together, just go with the flow. See if he lets you know about Thurs or pursues another date and take it from there.

If not then for whatever reason he's not looking for a relationship and I doubt that it will be down to you having sex first time.

[SweetSeraphim]

What Disappointed said.

BUT - I don't like the post sex guilt thing much, tbh. I don't really understand it - it's like men assume that as soon as we've fucked them, we're going to get all emotionally involved so they have to make their position clear. Pisses me right off.

[Laurel1979]

Oh thanks, I'm loving these replies! I am a nightmare as I tend to over-analyse things, having been out of the dating scene for so long I had forgotten the pain that is the first few days after a first date.......

I guess I will have a better idea tomorrow how he feels, he usually texts first thing in the morning to say good morning and then later that day, so if he doesn't I guess it may mean he's cooling off.....

[Fairylea]

It's 2013. Shouldn't make any different whatsoever!

You still like him, why wouldn't he still like you?

Give him a chance :)

[Laurel1979]

Yes I think he might be trying to let me know about not wanting to get emotionally involved too quickly.... I think my texts today have hopefully been cool/casual enough not to scare him, so hopefully another date will happen!

[BertieBowtiesAreCool]

No you haven't, don't worry!

As Horse says if he's put off by sex on the first date then he's likely to be a misogynistic arse. (and you've saved yourself time!)

If he was only around for sex and is going to leave now, then he was a misogynistic arse. (and he would have done later)

Decent blokes don't care if you have sex on the first date or the 50th, they care that you're having a good time and are happy with the speed things are going.

Although - I would be wary of the "don't want anything too heavy" comment - I wouldn't bring it up in a text but next time you see him it would definitely be worth having a conversation about what he wants from a relationship, because "not too heavy" can mean anything from "I want to see how things go, I don't want to sign up for marriage and children just yet, but am open to the possibility once I've got to know someone for a long time" to "I've just come out of a serious relationship and don't want to get too involved" or even "I just want something casual". Make sure you're on the same page before you let it go too far, and don't fall into the trap of thinking he might change his mind - be upfront and it will save you both a lot of heartache.

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

The thing is that the ONLY way to find out if you're with the kind of wanker who'd judge you for sleeping with them on the first date, is to sleep with them on the first date.

So let's see whether he passes the first wanker test.

I'd already be a bit at his need to keep saying that you shouldn't have done it.

It's sex. You both enjoyed it. There's no reason on earth why you shouldn't have done it.

I'd also be a bit about his repeated stressing of "nothing too heavy", like now he's shagged you he wants to keep you at arm's length in case you get "ideas".

[ThisIsMeNow]

I would be worrying more about him saying 'nothing too heavy' as it seems he's said this a few times?
Obviously neither of you want to get married on your second date but is he actually looking for a relationship?

[Laurel1979]

Thanks Bertiebowties, yes I admit I was slightly alarmed by his comment.... As far as I know he hasn't been in any recent relationships, I think one ended last year. I would like to know what he's thinking, we hadn't had that conversation although he'd said twice on the phone that he'd like us to go on holiday next summer together, and had even been talking about which dates we can take annual leave.

[ALittleStranger]

You're adults, why do you both keep apologising for having sex?

If he disrespects you for it then why would you want a relationship with him anyway?

[BertieBowtiesAreCool]

I don't think so Join, because if said guy is a wanker they will usually find something else to let you know they are a wanker. Like, waiting "too long" for sex can be a nice wanker-test too. But generally, being yourself and watching out for red flags is best. No need to act in a way you don't feel natural acting just to spot wankers!

[nomorecrumbs]

"nothing too heavy" means he hasn't fallen for you yet, in my book.

You just need to wait til he does!

And preferably keep him lusting after you until he does.

[Confitdecanard]

Don't worry - the fact you couldn't keep your hands off each other is good news! I did it with DH on our first date, made no difference in the long run. I did worry for a few days that he would think I was too easy and he spent those few days worrying I thought he'd taken advantage. Once we talked it through it was fine. Still at it nine years later.

[ALittleStranger]

x-post. Sorry OP but there are a few red flags waving. Hopefully they'll turn out to be red herrings but I am very, very wary of anyone who makes longer term plans before you've met. Even talking about a second date before a first is presumptive in my mind. I'd be wary that he's trying to sucker you in with a vision of a future he never intends to give, and more importantly can't possibly know if either of you want yet.

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

Bertie - that was a joke! :o

The OP has already shagged him, so it obviously felt right.

I was just saying that, far from doing the wrong thing, there is a hidden benefit of finding out early whether he's that kind of wanker.

[BertieBowtiesAreCool]

Don't be alarmed by it - he's just being honest and upfront with you which is fair. You really NEED to ascertain what it means, though.

Don't be put off by the fear that he might say "Oh, sorry, looks like we're looking for different things then" - it's FAR better that you do that with just a conversation, than get involved, go on holiday etc and after a year or so realise he doesn't want to go anywhere with you - waste of everyone's time. Figure out what YOU want from a relationship and then see if his aims are compatible with yours.

[BertieBowtiesAreCool]

Oh sorry Join

[niceupthedance]

I would take the 'nothing too heavy' to mean he doesn't want you to assume you are exclusive now because you have had sex.

[Laurel1979]

Thanks again, this all sounds like good advice! I'm going to have to try to stop checking my phone until Thursday! Thank goodness Im working somewhere tomorrow which has terrible mobile phone reception so I'll not be able to keep looking for a new message!

[BertieBowtiesAreCool]

Keep yourself busy! It's multi purpose - distracts you from constantly checking messages etc, and also makes you more interesting in general because you're doing stuff. And it means you have other interesting/fulfilling things happening in your life apart from just him, so you don't feel so dependent on the relationship working out which is the best attitude to have.