He doesn't know I know, and the stress is eating me up, but Christmas is nearly here.
DH has a number of fetishes/vices I found out about in 2010. While I don't enjoy or participate in them, mostly it doesn't bother me and I don't care. He tends to indulge when I am away or out for the evening, and only if in the mood, so a few times a year. Crossdressing, while the most harmless of the lot, does bother me disproportionately. It makes my flesh creep and I cannot find a man who crossdresses sexually attractive. I first became aware of it in early 2010 but then it was only a prop for a particular fantasy/fetish, so I didn't pay much attention. However he started dressing up more and more throughout the year, and I asked him to tone it down because I was getting uncomfortable with the frequency and intensity. He didn't buy me a birthday card because he "didn't have time" but was always coming home with armloads of dresses from primark, new look and river island.
Anyway in February 2011 I walked in on him one morning dressed up, and I knew it wasn't for fetish purposes (because I'd accidentally surprised him an hour or so earlier, masturbating, in a different outfit). Something changed immediately, it just flipped my stomach and I got super uncomfortable and walked out and went driving for an hour or so. When I returned he tried to initiate sex and I just couldn't bear him near me. After an uncomfortable discussion he agreed to only do it while I was away or out. But I couldn't shake it from my mind.
I agonized for most of the next year. Collapsing on the floor howling at sad songs on the radio while he was at work, generally mourning my marriage, faking orgasms when we had sex but holding him tightly so he wouldn't see me crying over his shoulder, etc. it was a shit year. When I was home alone in the day I'd plan the conversation where I told him I was leaving, but be pathetically grateful to see him the minute he walked in the door. Every time he went to kiss me I'd see the costumes in my mind and just wish I was anywhere else. It killed my sex drive stone dead. I went away for work for a month and didn't even masturbate myself, I just got too depressed even trying.
We didn't talk about it. Our other conversations hadn't gone well and he was very defensive. Understandable that if you open up about something so secret, and your partner initially accepts but then rejects you, you're going to be defensive, right? So we didn't talk about it. I didn't want to hurt my best friend any more and I had nothing nice to say - so I said nothing. Eventually he saw me checking replies to a forum we both use (and I no longer do), which prompted a conversation. I stressed that I didn't want him to change who he was, I had no interest in in forcing him to be someone he wasn't, but I couldn't be with a man who crossdresses. He swore it was something he did, not something he was, that he could give it up straight away, bin the clothes and bear no anger or resentment toward me for it (one of my fears). And to be fair to him, it's been over two years now and he has only ever mentioned it once, indirectly, in an argument. I said I couldn't promise we could ever get the spark back, but we both gave it a shot. And soon afterwards I fell pregnant and the joy and excitement of having our son took over.
It was never the same for me again though. I've never felt the same way about my otherwise wonderful husband - 95% at best! but it was pretty good and I always felt that was a number I could live with.
And last week toddler DS pulled the loose panelling from the bath down on top of himself and roared. And when I had picked him up and comforted him, I went to replace it and saw the dress and the platform heels cached under the bath. I felt sick. But this time round, even though I can't sleep and am a bag of nerves, I'm not crying. I'm done mourning.
I don't know what to do, or how to get through Christmas (my parents are coming!). I'm sorry this is so long, but I'm sure you understand there is absolutely no one in RL I can talk to about this. I have only one friend who knew about it before, but she lived abroad at the time and now she lives down the road and is married to one of DH's friends. When I do talk to DH, it will change our lives and I'm not ready for that conversation yet.
Ugh. I thought this only happened to people in Take a Break. I hate that it is my life.
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Relationships
So, DH is crossdressing again..
DaddyPigInADress · 09/12/2013 14:59
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