Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Lying cheating whoring husband

(70 Posts)
PPaka Mon 09-Dec-13 12:29:10

Marriage is a sham
He is just a pathological liar
He's saying he won't give up, wants me back
Can't live without us
Will kill himself
Meantime he's still texting some woman

I cannot believe what he has done to this family

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 09-Dec-13 12:42:33

Have you separated? Has he left the family home? If he wants you back then he'll just have to be disappointed. If he won't give up then be assured that the police take harassment very seriously. If he kills himself it'll be entirely his own decision. FWIW your family - you and the DCs - are stronger without this dead weight dragging you down.

DuchessFanny Mon 09-Dec-13 12:44:56

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I have no wisdom to impart but wanted to hand hold until someone useful comes along ...

PPaka Mon 09-Dec-13 12:49:50

He won't leave
I thought once he realised I was serious, he would accept it
But he won't
I'm going to my parents as soon ds breaks up from school, this weekend, then I've said I want him to find somewhere for new year

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 09-Dec-13 12:52:43

Keep telling him to leave. Make his life unpleasant. Exclude him from everything to do with the family. No domestic favours like meals or washing. Be persistent on this - no arguments or discussion - just 'get out now'. Have you taken legal advice?

onetiredmummy Mon 09-Dec-13 13:33:36

Ignore the suicide threats & any games he's playing to get you back.

Perhaps get a free consultation with a solicitor about a divorce or see CAB. If he knows you are looking into divorce then he might believe you're serious. You do need some advice anyway about where you are living, if its best for you to stay & he moves out or whether you move out. Get some proper advice & you will know what to do next.

Concentrate on you & DS & put him out of your mind. As Cog says, no meals/washing or any domestic favours.

Is the house in both your names?
Is it mortgaged or do you rent.
As others say, no more washing for him, cooking, cleaning - anything at all. Act as if he isn't even there.
And if he threatens suicide again, call the police. He won't do it again in a hurry.
Well done on being so strong and knowing you want out.
You deserve so much better than this.
Good luck!

PPaka Mon 09-Dec-13 13:51:25

Joint mortgage
I've spoken to solicitor and had the house valued
He was a bit taken aback that it only took me 2 days, but I had to do something
Just feel a bit stuck now
Last night I didn't say goodnight in the 'right' way and he kicked off 'is this the way it's going to be'
I don't have the stomach for more confrontation

If all else fails I have a v small flat I can move into end of jan, but solicitor advised me not to move out
He's fooling all his/our friends into thinking he is heartbroken, but they don't know the extent of what he has done

LEMisafucker Mon 09-Dec-13 13:54:39

You need to tell them what he has done - dont let him paint you as the bad guy. Does he have somewhere to go? (i know this isn't your problem but it would obviously be easier) Can he stay with his parents?

Vivacia Mon 09-Dec-13 13:59:59

Last night I didn't say goodnight in the 'right' way

Fuck that, tell him all communication better be via your lawyers.

He's fooling all his/our friends into thinking he is heartbroken, but they don't know the extent of what he has done

Tell them.

PPaka Mon 09-Dec-13 16:38:44

I thought that if I stayed quiet, I could keep it amicable
If I tell everyone the real truth, he will kick off
Mind you, some friends know and have encouraged the whoring, how can I fight that kind of mentality? And they're still slagging me off.
I though I was doing really well

Vivacia Mon 09-Dec-13 17:53:31

I'm sure you are doing really well. I think you just need a change of tack to deal with the change in circumstance.

Abbykins1 Mon 09-Dec-13 18:49:43

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

EvenBetter Mon 09-Dec-13 19:03:30

'So this is how it's goin to be' means he thinks you'll 'get over it' . Don't keep his filthy secrets.
If he kicks off just phone the police to remove him.

WitchOfEndor Mon 09-Dec-13 19:18:26

He is fucking someone else but kicking off at you for not saying goodnight the right way? At least he is making it nice and clear that he has no concern for your feelings, whilst requiring you to show him every respect. makes it easier to walk away.

Vivacia Mon 09-Dec-13 20:01:07

Blimey Abby, there was no need for that.

PPaka Mon 09-Dec-13 20:09:35

Oh, what happened there?!

Going to have a chat now
Wish me luck

Vivacia Mon 09-Dec-13 20:17:18

Good luck PPaka!

Fairenuff Mon 09-Dec-13 22:01:23

How's it going PP are you ok?

PPaka Mon 09-Dec-13 22:27:03

Yeah sorry didnt really have the chat
Had to discuss something about ds
I think last night he'd had a few drinks and got a bit bolshy.
He was back to being sorry tonight

I just have to remember that it's all bullshit
I can't believe a word he says
I think human nature has made me think that no-one can be this bad, but he is
He's lied and cheated throughout
I don't know what's wrong with him, he has to be wired up wrong to think he can do this, to not know that it's wrong. And to not feel guilty

MistAllChuckingFrighty Tue 10-Dec-13 00:32:29

The sooner you get away from him, the better

In your situation, I would sing like a canary. Why should you keep his dirty secrets for him. Yes, he will kick off but it will force the issue. You want rid, he won't go = stalemate.

Blow the whole thing sky high (if you don't fear for your physical safety)

Fairenuff Tue 10-Dec-13 08:20:33

If he was really sorry, he would agree to do whatever you wanted. You have asked him to move out and he refuses. So he is still just thinking of himself. Until he agrees to move out you need a plan.

Firstly, separate bedrooms and absolutely no physical contact with him. Treat him as if you are already separated.

Do nothing for him. Don't wash his clothes, cook him meals, buy him food, pick up after him, etc. Treat him as if he doesn't live there.

Be courteous to him but do not get drawn into any discussions. Tell him that you will talk once he has moved out. Tell him it's not forever, you just need some space - this doesn't have to be true, he just needs to think you mean it.

Tell him that if he really cared and he was really sorry, he would do this one thing that you have asked of him - give you some time and space to 'cool down' (or whatever phrase you think he will go with).

Talk to your trusted friends, you do not have to keep this to yourself.

Get some legal advice about whether it's possible to have him removed from the house if he won't go.

Keep posting for support, or to just have a rant or talk it over.

PPaka Tue 10-Dec-13 09:27:04

That's what I think Fairenuff, if he was sorry he would anything I ask
He's supposedly devastated that he's done this, but I've heard it all before
It is all still about him
HE can't get his head around having to get a new home
HE can't bear to not say goodnight to ds every night, even though he never makes it home to say goodnight, so it's not about ds, it's about HIM kissing him goodnight when ds is sleeping
He doesn't think it's fair that when a couple separate, the dad loses out.
Well, quite frankly I'm going to have to share ds with him, so I lose out. And that's all because he's behaved appallingly.
I've told him that if I was in his position I would be doing everything I could to prove that I could be a better man. Not to get back with me, but for ds, and maybe to earn some respect
He doesn't get it because all he thinks about is
himself
He's opted out of Christmas with my family because HE can't bear it. Never mind what ds wants
BE A MAN, fgs

Fairenuff Tue 10-Dec-13 16:27:49

Are you going to have Christmas with your family anyway PP?

PPaka Tue 10-Dec-13 18:59:09

Oh yes!
Will be there for best part of 3 weeks

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now