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Leaving but no support....am I mad?

(11 Posts)
Shellywelly1973 Mon 09-Dec-13 12:08:03

Ive been with ny dp for over 14 years. I am 33 weeks pregnant. 3 older dc, 2 have asd.

Dp isn't a bad person but he isn't really a partner. I do everything. I organise everything. I deal with all the dc stuff- medical appointments, which are vast for youngest dc. The 3 schools etc etc.

I ask very little of dp as he works very long hours & not for great money.

I ask him to do specific diy or job's. Never hoovering, washing or ironing. He doesn't even do the small things I ask of him anymore.

Im hardly ever ill but ive had 2 severe UTIs & now I think I've got flu as I feel so ill. Yesterday, I asked him to take dc out so I could sort the dc bedrooms. He got up but then went back to bed! I totally lost my temper & went to bed from lunch time til the evening...unheard of but I'd had enough.

He's just so lazy. He doesn't support me or make me feel cared for. No help during the pregnancy. Never takes me out- says it because I don't organise a babysitter. I never go out not even for my 40th. I can't talk to him as he just doesn't engage or respond during a conversation.

Why am I still with him? Fear that it will be worse on my own. No family or friends. No support at all. I would end up on benefits. There's no child care for dc with asd. If I lose the car I would be literally trapped in th house. I don't even have a birth partner, that in itself explains how isolated I am...

I don't even want the baby anymore. She's just another person to look after. I had a surprise pregnancy at the start of the yesr but had a MMC. I was devastated. I quickly became pregnant again but I think it was more about the mmc then wanting another dc.

My mil was a great help but she died 3 months ago.
My sister also was helpful but we fell out 6 months ago & now have NC.

Its all such a mess. Nothing is ready for Christmas. Ds gets holidays this Friday. Other 2 next Wednesday. We haven't even a tree! Dp is working up til Christmas Day.

Ive nothing for the baby. The house is hideous. Clothes & paperwork every where. I give up. I can't do it all anymore...

How do I csrry on?

whitsernam Mon 09-Dec-13 12:31:04

You sound overwhelmed, and no wonder! Plus this time of the year we somehow expect everything to be so brilliant! Fun! All decorated and papered over.... NOT.

On top of it all, you lost your MIL only 3 months ago, and she was a great help to you.... Anyone would be struggling in this situation. Can you talk to a HV or your GP? Or a social worker? There must be some sort of help that can be organised! Midwife? And do get a birth partner - someone on here arranged for a doula and was really pleased with her support.

You have my total sympathy, and I'm throwing out suggestions just hoping something sticks and will be helpful; but mostly I think your sadness and despair come through loud and clear and I want you to know someone "out there" gets it and wants something better for you.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 09-Dec-13 12:36:02

I'm also struck at how stressed and end of tether you sound. No wonder your body is protesting. FWIW, I think if he wasn't there you'd actually be less stressed than you are now because you'd only be running around after the DCs 50% of the time rather than the DCs and him 100% of the time. By splitting he'd actually be forced to be a parent for once. I don't understand why you'd lose the car?

Shellywelly1973 Mon 09-Dec-13 13:26:18

Thanks. I worry I would lose the car due to cost. He wouldn't have the dc 50% of the time. He'd have no where to go & very little money. We're in London. He was made redundant 5 years ago & has never managed to earn what he used to.

I don't have a HV & ive not seen my GP for 4/5 years. Having dcs with SNs I know how little help there is 'out there'. We haven't a Social Worker as there are no child protection issues... I live in the most notorious borough for incompetent social workers...

Its all too much. Dp took our youngest to an appointment this morning. Agreed to a totally different treatment path that I have refused for ds for months as it involves surgery & made the next appointment for beginning of February. The baby is due end of January! He's an idiot!

Shellywelly1973 Mon 09-Dec-13 16:27:51

He's leaving tonight.

He's totally confused & is blaming my hormones. He could be right. I just feel anger...

cjel Mon 09-Dec-13 19:09:37

hang in there Shelly,If you go to gp they will be able to advise.It may well be hormones who knows or it could be that this man is a drain on you and your family and it is time for you to change your life for the better. You can ring the samaritans for a chat about anything - you don't have to be suicidal. Also try WA to see if they can help you. Reach out to anyone you can think of, even if you don't think they can help you will be amazed how much support you can build yourself.xx

Shellywelly1973 Tue 10-Dec-13 00:52:38

Thanks but there really isn't anyone. Im on my own with 3 kids- soon to be 4.

Its pathetic but I don't have a friend to call- no one. No family in London.

I don't know my gp & wouldn't go to a hcp about something like this. I am considering my long term options. I am very concerned I won't be able to cope & care for the baby...I should never have planned another pregnancy.

I really wish I had somewhere to leave all of them !

bragmatic Tue 10-Dec-13 06:32:04

Are you sure your sister can't be of some help? Were you close before the falling out?

Shellywelly1973 Tue 10-Dec-13 08:07:43

I had nc with my sister since May.

She would only ever have my dd never the ds. Its not relevant now as she moved in September. She lives over an hour away. Now has a full time job etc. She only say, I told you so. She's alwsys disliked dp.

Shellywelly1973 Tue 10-Dec-13 08:08:19

Excuse typos!

cjel Tue 10-Dec-13 09:03:52

I'd go for a told you so myself, an hour away is not very far and once you get over the I told you so you may find you have a brilliant sister.

You really must go to a HCP to find out what support you can get even if only to a gp to get referred for counselling to help you through this hard time.

Have you phoned WA yet to get advice.

Taking the first step is the hardest. Email or text sis and WA and GP today. It really will help. YOu aren't the only one to have been in this situation and you will be another who gets through it and has a good life.flowersPlease reach out.

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