Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Finally leaving..

(33 Posts)
sparklysausage Mon 09-Dec-13 11:16:55

Hello,

I have been lurking on this board for a very long time. I have been having problems in my marriage for even longer. A general overview is my husband is a lazy drunk, who is very Nasty,verbally abusive, jealous, but to the outside world a perfect Dad and husband. He has threatened to kill me a couple of times.

Recently, I have been poorly which was mainly triggered by stress. Stress of living with my husband, I think. This has given me the push to leave and make a new life for my children and I.

We have two children age 4 and 2. My youngest child has a learning delay and some behavioural problems, which are currently being assessed by various professionals. Baring this in mind I'm trying to make the move as stress free for them as possible, because my 4 year old can be very sensitive. My husband has refused to move out of our jointly mortgaged home. My solicitor advised me to move out, due to the stress it is having on me and the impact it is having on my health.

So, I'm moving on Friday!! I have told my husband and since then he has turned into a vile, vile person. My 4 year old told me that he had told him our new house is full of monsters and it's horrible and he will never see him again if he moves. I'm deeply shocked that he has said these things to a 4 year old. How utterly vile,, my 4 year old explained to me that his "dad is lying, because monsters are only in stories".

I could write an essay on the things he has done, but it just makes me think that my moving day can't come quick enough. I'm sure he will try and up the ante this week to try and stop us from going. Which I'm very scared of, I keep thinking he is going to do something so I won't be able to go.

Thanks for reading

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 09-Dec-13 11:20:51

Please call Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 urgently. Your situation is acutely dangerous and need to get yourself and your DCs safe. Your solicitor gave you well-meant advice but I'm worried that five days is five days too long and too risky with a man that has already threatened to murder you.

caramelwaffle Mon 09-Dec-13 11:23:40

Sorry to hear you are going through this.

You are doing the best for you and your little ones in the long term.

Do you have any people who can be there when you move, or help you move earlier in the week when he is not around?

If you think you may be at serious risk of physical attack, you can ask for the police to be there to remove him from the premises whilst you take your belongings: the Domestic Violence Unit at your local police station should have all the information you need.

caramelwaffle Mon 09-Dec-13 11:24:55

I agree with cogito

Five days is really too long

sparklysausage Mon 09-Dec-13 11:33:19

My sister, is staying with me this week and he really likes to keep up the bravado of being a nice guy in front of most people. I have a very supportive network and my Mum feels the same as you all. That I should take the kids out of school this week and stay with her until moving day.

My friends and family are helping me move and he wouldn't do anything in front of them.

I have asked his Mum to speak to him, regarding his behaviour towards my four year old. I'm not sure if she has spoken to him yet. Although, she doesn't believe me when I say what he's said.

He denies all of his horrific behaviour and I end up thinking I'm bloody imagining it. Honestly, I feel like I'm going mad.

He keeps on mentioning an ace card up his sleeve and I should just wait and see.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 09-Dec-13 12:39:52

I'm glad you've got 'human shields' in place at least. Asking his mother to help you is a vain hope unfortunately. She's bound to be on his side when it comes to the crunch. As regards an 'ace up his sleeve' that's just a thinly veiled threat designed to keep you nervous and on the back-foot. The ace up his sleeve in reality will be more sleeve.

Lindt70Percent Mon 09-Dec-13 12:52:27

What a thoroughly nasty man. I'm so shocked that someone could say that to their own child.

Thank goodness you have a good support network. I'm with your mum, move now before he can do or say anything else.

You must be a very strong person to have coped with this for so long. You're all going to be so much happier without him.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 09-Dec-13 12:58:28

Actually, thinking again about the 'ace up the sleeve' remark. Do give the 101 non-emergency police number a call and talk to their DV unit. I'm assuming it's hot air but, if he's already threatened to kill you on other occasions, it may not be worth taking any chances.

Cantabile Mon 09-Dec-13 13:50:31

Yes, please call 101 and ask for the dv unit. Then tell them everything. At the very least, they can ensure rapid response if a call comes from your phone or your address.

TBH, I would move to your mum's now with the children. Ensure that you are accompanied if you need to pick things up from your place.

sparklysausage Mon 09-Dec-13 23:51:36

Well, you were right about his mother. She came round tonight and screamed and slammed about calling me a liar!! 'Billy Bull shit'denied all of what he had said to my Ds1. She screamed at me about things that weren't true, that I've apparently said. She also said I shouldn't get maintenance, we should just leave it as we both have to live. I was going to ask him for 20 pound a week, despite the CSA calculator saying I'm entitled to 70. Because I felt bad for him. Well now I think everything must go through the proper channels.

So my poor children had to hear all of it.
I'm now at my mum's house...going to book solicitors appt.

I don't know how I managed to stay calm.My sister stayed upstairs with Dc while it all went on.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 10-Dec-13 07:16:58

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, does it? hmm In a way though. she's done you a favour by making you more certain about the CSA and solicitor approach. Personally I'm also hugely relieved that you're at your Mum's. When you're dealing with unreasonable people like your ex and his mother, take a big step back from them, keep yourself and those you love safe, and send in others to cut them down to size on your behalf. Good luck

Jux Tue 10-Dec-13 08:28:32

I'm so sorry you were all subjected to that. It must have been very upsetting, especially for the children.

I think you need to write everything down, make a diary of everything that has been said and done by him and any of his family. Start with what happened yesterday, but then write down as much of everything else that you can remember. Dates and times if you can (Spring 1964 wink, for example, if that's all you can remember). If you can take photos too, even better.

So glad you're at your mum's now. Have you got a couple of big strong chaps who can get your stuff?

caramelwaffle Tue 10-Dec-13 08:29:48

Keep safe.

Good luck.

sparklysausage Tue 10-Dec-13 12:43:03

Thanks for your comments.

I have downloaded a diary on my phone which I've been updating since September. Whenever I feel a stab of guilt, with a ridiculous notion that I'm ruining my kids lives, I have a read. Puts it all in perspective.

I've come back to the house today to pack. Plus, ds1 has special Christmas things at school, the Nativity etc.He wouldn't want to miss it.
My Mum lives an hour away, I currently can't drive, due to my health condition. So my sister is driving us back and forward every day. Luckily, I've been signed off work till January. I couldn't deal with this snd work.

I spoke to Ds1's school teacher this morning and my Health visitor. Both very supportive. Felt really embarressed telling them about it. It all seems a bit jeremy kyle iyswim.

Regarding moving day. I have 6 friends helping me and I have booked a removal van for the big things. I'm also going to phone the local police to explain the situation in case if any trouble from him or his family on the day.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 10-Dec-13 17:10:43

Can I say that I'm thoroughly impressed with how well you're holding all this together? It must be a huge strain, massive upheaval and I don't know if it's sheer adrenaline powering you at the moment or what, but you're doing all the right things. Very smart move to talk to school and the HV. Do make sure you find a little time for yourself in all this. Let others take care of you. Good luck

Jux Tue 10-Dec-13 19:38:16

Agree with Cogito! You are so well organised and seem so calm in spite of all this upheaval, and trauma, and his utter vileness. I hope you get some time to yourself, that someone gives you a spa day, or you get some pampering over Christmas!

sparklysausage Tue 10-Dec-13 22:16:57

Thanks cogito and jux. Definitely an adrenaline thing keeping me going, but it's either sink or swim right now, he's sucked to much life out of me over the years already. Well screw him, I won't be bullied anymore.

Billy bullshit has been texting demanding I bring Dc home. The threats have included
"I'm going to phone the police and get you arrested for kidnapping".
"I'm going to get you fined by the school, for taking dc1 out of school" (He's not missed any school as I'm travelling every day).
" He is going to bankrupt himself getting custody of the kids".
"I'm an unfit mother because I take antidepressants".

I haven't answered any texts, I don't think I would gain anything from answering him.

caramelwaffle Tue 10-Dec-13 22:19:01

Don't answer the texts.

I'd suggest getting a separate phone/number just for his calls.

Keep going forward thanks

Jux Tue 10-Dec-13 23:03:18

Make your mantra "ignore ignore ignore". You keep your dignity, don't let him take that, too.

Keep all communications from him though. They are good evidence should you need it; also keep a diary of everything connected with him. That becomes good evidence too.

You are handling this so well, adrenalin or not. thanks

sparklysausage Wed 11-Dec-13 20:39:16

Today I met with the HV who was really supportive. She is going to visit me every couple of weeks. She wss appalled at ex's behaviour.

I also had appt with my solicitor, who is writing a letter to warn ex about threats etc also to outline an offer of contact.

Did some packing at the house and I'm nearly ready to go. I was feeling quite positive untill I got a text from ex... stating if I don't bring the boys back tomorrow, he is changing the locks. He knows my moving day is on Friday, which throws a huge spanner in the works!! The house is in both of our names.

I'm flaming fuming!!

sparklysausage Wed 11-Dec-13 20:41:44

By the way, I still haven't answered any text messages. I'm hoping if I don't react he'll give up.

caramelwaffle Wed 11-Dec-13 21:41:06

Don't respond is my advice.

Do ensure you have other people on hand to help you to move.

Good luck on Friday.

Jux Thu 12-Dec-13 15:12:09

I wonder if it's worth calling the police on 101 and warning thtem about tomorrow. Then they'll be on alert for any calls to that address and will get there faster. It's an added layer of protection for you, and means that your friends can concentrate on getting the move done and won't have to get involved with him or any shenanigans that he may try to kick off.

sparklysausage Thu 12-Dec-13 17:29:57

I have been to the police station today and explained the situation. They were really helpful and advised that if he is home when I try to move, that I request police to be present. Which I will do.

Regarding changing the locks, I'm entitled to gain entry. So I'll just get a locksmith if I can't get in.

Fingers crossed all goes smoothly tomorrow. I'm just waiting for the evenings round of nasty texts to start.

VodkaJelly Thu 12-Dec-13 18:02:25

Good luck for tomorrow, hope it all goes smoothly

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now